Dougal and the Blue Cat - Part 7

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"And no, you don't get to vote for him."

"Has someone farted in here?"

"Especially if you're into that sort of thing."

"And yet so far I have done practically nothing as King except order my army to capture everybody."

Must be singing about the ET Atari game

Well either a dream or a drug trip

Yeah, keep telling yourself that, pile on the false reasurance!

"I mean we've already tried a round of eye spy and that lasted for about 10 minutes."
"We could try charades."

"And yes that includes my freinds."

YOU LOST THE GAME

Okay, it seems that the man on a spring has his tear ducts in the center of his eyes...in fact, it might just be one weirdly shaped eye with two pupils!

"Well I admit I was wrong about the world being flat but nobodies perfect."

Oh that's nice Dougal, what a great heroic friend you are!

No

Wait...did Buxton just call Dougal "dear"?

And that's the most creative insult he can think of

"You can mock Gordon Brown, but you are absoultely forbidden from mocking Blue Peter."

"I didn't vote for him."

Dougal should consider getting a job in the room with the scary masks

"Then again, considering that I'm the hero in disguise that's rather easy."

I sense Ho Yay

The Blue Voice likes her man love!

Oh, so the disembodied voice that could potentially be everywhere hasn't been paying attention to what's been going on for a while.

"He's my Primeminister, not your's, you can't have him, he's all mine!"

"I shall say this only once."

And suddenly we slip back into the original French version.

"Yes, we only need helmets, the rest of the space suit would just be uneccassary baggage."

(THUNDERBIRDS THEME PLAYS)

THUNDERBIRDS ARE GO

.oO Blimey I'm cross!

Stanley Kubrick and Arthur C. Clarke

PRESENT

DOUGAL AND THE BLUE CAT

"Oh wait, that's Mars, YOUR MAJESTY WE'RE GOING THE WORNG WAY!"

"Hi"

"Shame I stole it."

"Oh wait, I don't have hands so I can't."

"And what a horrible colour."

Oh so that's how NASA found it.

Congratulations Dougal, not only have you found water on the Moon you have also contaminated it with blue paint.

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PART 6 PART 8 (final part)

In Search Of...Atlantis (Part 3 of 3) Nimoy

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"Help me, Steve Irwin's fans are after me!"

Harry/Hermione, Bella/Jacob, Xander/Willow...

Another had gone down on her boyfriend after prom.

They're matryoshka ships!

The ocean uses 2,000 Flushes.

...having the name "Valentine" makes it impossible for him to be taken seriously by his colleagues.

"Hey Balthazar, I'll trade you this Mediterranean limited edition for your Caspian rookie card!"

...for the breakfast buffet at Cesar's Palace?

Or were they just really, really lost?

"Shouldn't have had Mexican before diving, sorry..."

Unfortunately, they ran out of extension cord and had to call the exploration off.

"It's a rock. Can't wait to tell my friends, they don't have a rock this big..."

...looks frantically for his lost contact lens.

Each of which ran in Marble Shooters' Weekly for several years.

Then they thought aliens did it.

Specifically, that some kid was dreaming and they were stuck inside his wacky Broadway nightmare.

Give or take 12,000 years.

And Legos.

Or it could just prove that all of this is hogwash.

HERE is a diver who really doesn't know what he's doing...

Crap, Nemo's lost again...

Sailors may have gotten drunk and done unspeakably dirty things to tavern wenches...

Here, guys carrying around placards saying "THE END OF ATLANTIS IS NEAR" may have been dismissed as loonies.

Wow, who knew licorice was so noisy?

While we prepare our next half-baked theory, please enjoy this Kitaro music.

Yep, still a moldy old column.

Or it really just could be ballast from a sunken ship, but who wants to watch a half-hour series on that?

Oh no, the cherry cobbler is going critical!

Reno?

Organic decomposition's a bitch, isn't it?

As was detailed in the epic Atlantis by Rolando Emmerichus.

Nobody has ever tried to find that wardrobe CS Lewis was going on about, your point?

All speculative pseudoscience has to involve the Easter Island statues at some point or another.

...Is a statue that looks nothing like the Easter Island heads, but it's huge so it must have come from the same people, right?

You're just throwing random shit together now, aren't you? Why not tie in the Roanoke colony and Elvis while you're at it?

...the accountants, the part-time gyro stand employees...

Which somehow ended up looking EXACTLY like the culture and technology of the indigenous population!

Um, because they're all human?

Pfft, some pyramid. The one in Vegas has a casino...

Of course the revelation that the triangle is the most stable shape in architecture couldn't possibly have occurred in two different civilizations, so the Atlanteans did it!

Like enormous phallic symbols.

Wow, what an extraordinary thing for a temple that's, you know, dedicated to a sun god.

Or, in more colloquial terms, "Ramses' Tanning Bed."

...delicious wafer mints are made!

So in other words, using none of the same words as the Egyptians apart from the "of the sun" bit.

...are these souvenirs that have "I Survived The Destruction of Atlantis" written on the back.

o/...We come from the fire, living in the fire...o/

And monkeys.

See, this looks kind of like a black guy, doesn't it? DOESN'T IT?!

Silly Putty!

Um, yeah, we call that Africa.

People bury there dead all over the place--it MUST be true!

...with the citizens and officials of Rutland, Vermont...

Or maybe the Mayans just figured things out on their own...nah, that's crazy talk.

What about the belief that the sun is pushed across the sky by a dung beetle? Nobody ever brings that up anymore...

Admit it, this is just all cobbled together from your college essay on Jung, isn't it?

Or perhaps they were Leonardo Cimino...

"Some of the pieces didn't quite fit so we forced them in with a hammer."

"But in doing so, we also lost the lighting for my host segments."

"I'm just saying this because they paid me to."

"Except for the parts that are myth."

Hey, all the old paintings on the tombs--they really DO the sand dance, don'cha know!

Then they snickered behind their hands.

Horus has a bright idea!

Tawaret? So Atlantis is involved with Lost too?

(Makes about as much sense as anything else in the series, I guess...)

"Stiff as a feather, light as a board, stiff as a feather, light as a board..."

--Australia!

"This is Osiris. On behalf of the entire pantheon, have a Merry Heb Sed!"

"I'm not speaking to you. You're mean to me."

And his wife, V.I.

o/...Every post-production begins with Kay...o/

"Hey Herb, you think the pyramids and the Easter Island statues are connected to Atlantis?"
"Sounds good to me, Jeanne!"

Special thanks to the alien messages from the fillings in our teeth.

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Dougal and the Blue Cat - Part 6

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The Blue soldiers also double as wrapping paper

"Um...I'm not holding onto you."

Erm...what?

"Wow, that guy must have the srongest hair in the world!"

"Oh shut up."

"He's in his dressing room."

"Well I would if they had guts, I mean why would a load of toilet roll men have guts?"

"By the way, do you by any chance have a spare brain I could borrow?"

Captured: verb (used with object)
to take by force or stratagem; take prisoner; seize: "The police captured the burglar."

"Which isn't surprising considering this thing was originally made by the French."

"I knew I shouldn't have purchased those GM Crops."

Fortunately I don't eat salad so I'll be fine.

"That and I don't want to get sued if you end up with food poisoning."

Well at least he didn't say, "Today the garden, tomorrow the world."

I question the chaining up of Zebedee, I don't think that'll hold him for very long

"You see, as a villain I need a moustache, otherwise I've nothing to twirl. I could use my whiskers of course but it doesn't have quite the same effect."

"And no I don't know which is which so don't bother asking."

King Buxton's reign would last until his defeat in the battle against Roadblock

"I heard that Buxton."

.oO Now, how do I get rid of a disembodied voice anyway?

"ACK I swollowed some of it!"

"HAIL ILPALAZZO!!"

well at least he didn't have to go through the room with all the masks

Dougal's other potential aliases included Lord Tiwas, The Grand Duke Swap Shop or The Minister of Mayhem

"Well really it's because some moron left a great big trap door in my path!"

"Despite the fact that I've been king for barely two hours."

"And replace that red curtain with a blue one while you're at it."

.oO Who am I talking too?

"He also started to wonder, where exactly did Buxton find the time to collect all this sugar, did he really collect it just on the off chance that Dougal would sneak in disguise and needed a way of finding him out, and when did he learn of Dougal's sugar fixation anyway...it certainly hasn't been brought up in the film so far..."

Rather than Blue Peter the 50 year old kids show

"I should've done the sensible thing and got myself hooked on cocain instead!"

"You're never going to get the part of Hamlet, ever!"

.oO When did I weigh all of this?

What, all of it?

"He doesn't like being stood on."

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PART 5 PART 7

In Search Of... Atlantis (Part 2 of 3) Nimoy

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But could it run Doom?

When was the first non-sequitur invented?

(Except the stuff that is like it.)

Plato's metaphorical Atlantis...

"Ruined"

Maybe it was mixed in from another puzzle. Are any of your other puzzles missing a piece?

In an analogy, for instance...

"Beyond" in which direction?

Santorini must lie to the west, in the Atlantic ocean?

"But first, I'd like to sing a little song about the most famousest of all hobbits..."

YOU BLEW IT UP! YOU MANIACS!

These fish were once cockerel.

And impossible, if you're a Conservative.

Obsolete Science Bingo

Lamarckism	Miasma Theory	Telegony	Vital Essence Theory	Emission Theory of Vision
Aristotelian Gravity	Aether	Plum Pudding Model	Rutherford Model	Geocentrism
Newtonian Gravity	Steady State Theory	FREE God SPACE	Flat Earth Theory	Hollow Earth
Catastrophism	Expanding Earth Theory	Creationism	Land Bridge Theory	Freudian Dream Symbolism
Humours Theory of Disease	Homeopathy	Phrenology	Alchemy	Psi

Obsolete Science Bingo

Lamarckism	Miasma Theory	Telegony	Vital Essence Theory	Emission Theory of Vision
Aristotelian Gravity	Aether	Plum Pudding Model	Rutherford Model	Geocentrism
Newtonian Gravity	Steady State Theory	FREE God SPACE	Flat Earth Theory	Hollow Earth
Catastrophism	Expanding Earth Theory	Creationism	Land Bridge Theory	Freudian Dream Symbolism
Humours Theory of Disease	Homeopathy	Phrenology	Alchemy	Psi

Is ANYONE else seeing the giant loaf of uncooked bread dough?

Only to be wined, dined and disappointed, and left with a disease.

"And he stresses that it's for sale."

Like love.

I'm beginning to trust Dr. Ashur less and less.

So we sit and draw pictures for the tourists.

"And that they might have artificially inseminated cattle."

"But you're mean, and I'm not showing it to you."

Obsolete Science Bingo

Lamarckism	Miasma Theory	Telegony	Vital Essence Theory	Emission Theory of Vision
Aristotelian Gravity	Aether	Plum Pudding Model	Rutherford Model	Geocentrism
Newtonian Gravity	Steady State Theory	FREE God SPACE	Flat Earth Theory	Hollow Earth
Catastrophism	Expanding Earth Theory	Creationism	Land Bridge Theory	Freudian Dream Symbolism
Humours Theory of Disease	Homeopathy	Phrenology	Alchemy	Psi

Obsolete Science Bingo

Lamarckism	Miasma Theory	Telegony	Vital Essence Theory	Emission Theory of Vision
Aristotelian Gravity	Aether	Plum Pudding Model	Rutherford Model	Geocentrism
Newtonian Gravity	Steady State Theory	FREE God SPACE	Flat Earth Theory	Hollow Earth
Catastrophism	Expanding Earth Theory	Creationism	Land Bridge Theory	Freudian Dream Symbolism
Humours Theory of Disease	Homeopathy	Phrenology	Alchemy	Psi

"The E.U."

Obsolete Science Bingo

Lamarckism	Miasma Theory	Telegony	Vital Essence Theory	Emission Theory of Vision
Aristotelian Gravity	Aether	Plum Pudding Model	Rutherford Model	Geocentrism
Newtonian Gravity	Steady State Theory	FREE God SPACE	Flat Earth Theory	Hollow Earth
Catastrophism	Expanding Earth Theory	Creationism	Land Bridge Theory	Freudian Dream Symbolism
Humours Theory of Disease	Homeopathy	Phrenology	Alchemy	Psi

Obsolete Science Bingo

Lamarckism	Miasma Theory	Telegony	Vital Essence Theory	Emission Theory of Vision
Aristotelian Gravity	Aether	Plum Pudding Model	Rutherford Model	Geocentrism
Newtonian Gravity	Steady State Theory	FREE God SPACE	Flat Earth Theory	Hollow Earth
Catastrophism	Expanding Earth Theory	Creationism	Land Bridge Theory	Freudian Dream Symbolism
Humours Theory of Disease	Homeopathy	Phrenology	Alchemy	Psi

"And the Smiling Freak."

Thousands more equally vague predictions that couldn't be shoehorned into anything are kept in a U-Store-It downtown.

Both vaguely.

No, when he was very sick, he predicted his death within the next four days.

Who didn't?

No, a death of a President... sometime.

And other loopy sh*t.

He was wrong.

When did he write "I'm Your Boogie Man"?

So not in '68 or '69, and not involving any geological upheavals then?

"...In the Atlantic."

This is the only somewhat regular-looking bit, by the way.

Groupers!

"Leonard, must you work huge white bottoms into every single script?"

"Shut it! And get me another f***ing Gandalf robe."

"And in other places with similar geology."

1. STFU
2. GTFO

3. They're the teeth of a giant space hippopotamus.

4. After Eight mints... OF THE GODS!

5. Some madman has leaked the secret of T-squares to the coral.

What could go wrong?

And the candlestick maker.

"Nothing gay happened."

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In Search Of... Atlantis (Part 1 of 3) Nimoy

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And according to Grey Weisman they're supposed to look like some alien dude

A wizard did it

maybe the people who made them thought "Hey, here's an idea, lets really confuse future generations by dumping these things in the middle of nowhere!"

LOOK ON MY WORKS YE MIGHTY AND DESPAIR

both this drawing and Stone Henge were at one point nomimated for Ye Olde Turner Prize

so aliens did it then

and by "so close" we mean "no where near"

you see in the past it was illegal to use modern science for this sort of thing, you had to use old stuff instead

Extraterrestrial what exactly?

in that episode we learned that witchcraft is not caused by reading Harry Potter books

even without this show we'd be searching for those

found one!

bummer

in other words, "don't take Spocks word for it"

and so begins Doctor Who: Inferno

however, lost to the mists of time is the first page of the book he wrote that in which reads "This book is a work of fiction, any resemblance to any real persons either living or dead is purely conincidental"

"And here it is, right behind me."

Well considering how much of a player Zues was that's not too much of a stretch

"then I'm a monkey's uncle!"

it is said that the people of Atlantis invented the internet

so we ignored it and went elsewhere

then again...Britain got itself a pretty big empire so it might be possible

Why someone had mixed the main characters from Pokemon and the Evil Dead movies with a load of a lava I have no idea

the volcano is now heavily shunned and mistreated by its fellow bit of geography

the volcano hid Atlantis behind the sofa

"I just relised something, this stuff is really really old!"
(rolls eyes)"Yes Spock, well done."

so Plato described Atlantis as being a totally ruined mess?

well that's normal

because today event Atlantis will be affected by the recession

the neigbours often complained about how nosiy Atlantis was

so the only bloke who got to have a bath was the king then

and here we see a painting of a traditional Atlantean response to an insult about your mother

but they always burnt the toast

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Titanic: The Animated Movie (Part 6)

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A ship so nice, they sank it twice!

She's weeping lemonade!

Those aren't fingernails, they're claws!

Damn, she startles easy.

"Here you go, little Newsie."

"Oh my God, she's wearing an Orphan's Plot Trinket!"

"And the devil will drag you under by the sharp lapels of your checkered coat!"

"No, I use it to hide my stash."

"But I'll probably never see her again...so who are you?"

[M. Night Shyamalan] WHAT A TWIST!! [/M. Night Shyamalan]

"Er, I mean, 'Are you my mummy?'"

"We just didn't like you all that much."

"Even though you obviously had."

"I mean, why are my earrings hovering just below my ears?"

"What kind of a name is that?"

No, on the Edmund Fitzgerald--OF COURSE ON THE BLOODY TITANIC!!!

"So in a way, he's kind of like your brother--damn, you're a sick freak, kid!"

"So, whatever happened to Dad, anyway?"
"Who cares? You don't have his picture in your locket, do you?"
"Point taken."

"What are the odds of that?"

"Cool! Let's go poke it with a stick!"

"This lifeboat can only hold the six of us!"

A rather sensible one, actually.

"Who died and made you captain, anyway?"
"The captain."
"Oh yeah."

"Never mind, it's just Carrot Top. Move along."

"Just leave him to drown, I guess."

Yeah, I'm all for abandoning the annoying detective to the elements...

His leech fell off!

"You like me. You really like me."

Irritating to everybody.

"Uh, we changed our minds. Throw him back in the water."

Well, at least the cat has emergency rations...

How sad is it when you need the rats to save you from a shipwreck?

"You don't want them? Okay, back in my pants they go!"

"I know, I'll strangle him with this and steal his food!"

And the mouse throws the rope a mighty three inches!

"Um, how is this physically possible, anyway?"

"Good luck! Hope you're okay in the cold, unseaworthy Crock Pot!"

o/...daaaaa-DUN! daaaa-DUN! dun-dun-dun-dun...o/

Wow, good thing there were some dolphins vacationing in the North Atlantic, huh?

"We're saved! Dolphin steaks for all!"

"We're taking you to King Snorky!"

"Um, there were several hundred humans in the water, shouldn't we help them too?"
"Nah, they're fine."

"Water! Lots of it!"

"Whoops, my mistake, it's the dumb detective again."

He's drowning all over again!

"Hey look, a jellyfish!"

"I get seasick!"

"There's so much flotsam in the ocean..."

Yeah, you did a bang-up job with the jewel thieves...

Yes, pull him in!

"Hey, get your own toupee!"

"Um, is it okay if we leave the rest of him in?"

Geez, take a Midol already!

"Oh, so now it's MY fault we hit an iceberg, is it?...Seriously, could you tell me if it is my fault? The script's a little vague on that..."

Good thing his collagen kept him afloat...

"If I had a ruler, I'd smack you with it right now!"

Um, does anyone want to check him for a pulse, or...

"Woof! Woof!"

"Sorry, they've been rubber-cemented shut..."

Oh no, Kathy Griffin! I was better off dead!

"Is it me you're looking for?"

Is the rest of the movie going to take place in Limbo?

Geez, where's the snooty first officer shouting people down when you need him?

*hurl*
"Sorry, swallowed a lot of salt water while I was in the ocean..."

Did they lock up?

And they were rescued by...oh, let's say Moe.

To shoot the director.

Not really, no. Feel free to end!

The Board of Health is shutting us down on Tuesday.

And the cat and the chihuahua wound up in the daily special...

Actually the dogs did all the work and he took all the credit.

Which he bought for fifty cents in a pawn shop.

May the ghost of Telly Savalas never give you a moment's peace for this.

Wait, when did she get her cat back?

Did one of the Peanuts kids narrate this?

Because they...look, they just did, all right? Don't ask stupid questions.

Or scared shitless, it's hard to tell.

She can't believe this epilogue either.

Better than drooling with Bleak House, I guess.

In her bedroom.

Admit it, you just paired the characters off at random here, didn't you?

They must have had a hell of a time holding these poses for the photographer.

They already have grandkids? That was fast.

Actually she survived, they just couldn't stand her singing that damn song anymore.

Except for the few hundred people who died when the ship sank. Whoops, was I not supposed to mention them?

Is that a threat?

Boy, does it ever. Much like this song, really.

Oh Matt, look at what you did! Bad composer, BAD! No biscuit!

I can't imagine anyone wanting to take credit for these songs once, let alone twice...

Wha--?

Twenty minutes? Did they thank everyone in Italy?

Well, can't argue with that, really...

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Dougal and the Blue Cat - Part 5

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"An explosion in a blue paint factory."

"That's because I can't!"

"I hope you don't mind me leaving a slime trail on your canvas."

"I need to make smarter freinds."

Since when do snails have teeth?

You're an idiot

.oO Oh I should do Shakespeare one day

"But unfortunately I lost my copy of the script!"

"and Brian."

"He's probably going to tear it up to lay down a patio!"

"Trouble is, I don't have any hands so one of you will have to do it for me while I dictate."

"Someone has to be dotty in this place."

"Didn't I ever tell you about my secret stash of W.M.Ds?"

and because he's a cat, he can't get down!

"Oh wait, I said that bit already!"

Buxton's colour also caused him to be rejected from RADA

"Here I match some of the scenery."

"You damn racist!"

"Hello, remember us?"

"I'm being chased by weird boingy noises!"

"I can't find it now, I'm too busy taking a wizz behind this tree!"

"What did you say Buxton?"
"Oh er..nothing."

Oh god not this bit again!

"You are all tone death."

An entire army of siamese triplets

.oO Maybe I should recruit some Blue Meanies into my army instead of those weird toilet roll things

He's the leader because there's only one of him

"AAAAHHH TENTACLE RAPE!!"

"Ha, we get the easy one!"

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PART 4 PART 6

Christmas Shoes-New Song

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A tree in full leaf? Must be having Christmas in Australia this year...

That cymbal roll was legally required in all pop ballads from 1991 to 1996.

o/...You know it's true, everything I do, I do it for you...o/

Crap, Kevin Federline...

"I'm buying this shoe polish for my wife. I always splurge a little on Christmas..."

Well, it's your own damn fault for procrastinating on your shopping until the last minute. I mean, it's not like you didn't have advance notice...

.oO(Good, he's distracted. Now to pinch his wallet...)

Lace-up leather thigh boots with a 6" heel, to be exact.

Didn't Voldemort kill a unicorn somewhere around here?

Yeah, that kid's totally filthy...

*cha-click* "Give me all the money in the register, now!"

The Young Fourth Doctor Chronicles

"That is, I'm pretty sure she wears a 14 wide..."

"No, my shift ends in ten minutes; I'm just stalling..."

"...He said the store's closing in ten minutes and we've got tickets to The Nutcracker."

A rare photo of a Barenaked Ladies member in the wild.

SCROOOOOOOOOOOOOGE!!!!

I know the first thing I want to hear when I meet Jesus is "nice shoes."

The tinkly piano music is legally required in all Christmas pop ballads written after 1990.

"Sorry kid, you're twenty-three cents short. No present for cancer mom."

"Please sir, my dad lost his job and my sister died last year while selling matches and did I tell you about poor Tiny Tim?"

Yes, burn it! KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!

"Go home, kid. God isn't going to be looking at your mama's Reeboks."

"Her dying wish is to own a pair of Manolo Blahniks!"

"Okay, okay, here's a damn quarter. Now can we move the line along, please?"

.oO(Ha, sucker! My mom's dancing at the Diamond Cabaret right now!)

"Hey Dad, you were right! The mark fell for it hook, line, and sinker! Thank God for seasonal guilt!"

Does he live in A Christmas Story?

Home decorated by Cracker Barrel

Another tragic case of Ali McGraw's Disease.

Why is Mama dressed like an Amish woman?

Hey hey, no Michael Bolton-ing!

"Twice in the same night! This mall is full of suckers!"

"Hey, that little bastard stole my watch!"

Yeah, I remember in the Gospel of Matthew, the wise men brought gold, frankincense, myrrh, and shoes.

"Hey, there's a children's choir in the branches!"

This video powered by natural gas!

Hey Treebeard, give him a kick for me would ya?

I'll bet this song is in permanent rotation on Tom Batiuk's iPod.

Emily Dickinson?

"Well our insurance dropped us, we owe thousands of dollars in hospital bills, we've been living on cat food for three weeks, and I'm in terrible pain and will never walk again...but hey, it's the thought that counts, right?"

"You're a bit touched in the head, aren't you kid?"

"Don't worry son, we can return the shoes for store credit after Mommy kicks off."

"Here's your Christmas present: the swine flu that will soon kill me!"

Hopefully my wish will come true and the radio will stop playing this every twenty minutes.

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The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus - part 1

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Rankin Bass's The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus

(AKA: The really weird one you spent the '90s wondering if you'd imagined.)

Santa... there's a radio.

Original soundtrack available on 5¼-inch disk.

Being a Tale
of
Conquests Most Varied
and
Licentious

"Except maybe tits."

"Now we're talking tits."

The Persians?

"The BBC Stereophonic Workshop. They're here!"

First name: French

"...use contractions at random, whether it's logical to or it is not."

"Got lucky, to be fair..."

"Moo."

Kill it slowly.

"...and your tight little rack."

"Moo!"

** Zerline should not be taken without a prescription. Ask your health care provider if Zerline is right for you.

"STARRING" THE "TALENTS" OF
(IN ORDER OF OBSCURITY)

AKA
NEARLY THE ENTIRE CAST OF "THUNDERCATS"

I can't imagine why this song never caught on as a holiday classic.

*squik*... *squik*... *squik*

$30 if you off Tingler next.

Ooh. Snub!

Has any author ever been responsible for one Oscar winner and as big a pile of cinematic crap as L. Frank Baum?

Has any author ever been responsible for one Oscar winner and as big a pile of cinematic crap as L. Frank Baum?

Michael Crichton? Point taken.

Now they know a thing or two about "wood" imps.

"Whatever the f*ck they are."

"One of you will betray me..."

"Hang on. Just a few more credits here, I guess."

Well... bought.

[Evil Harpsichord]

"Just one. We don't have a Scrooge-sized intervention in our budget this year."

Mother Theresa?

"That you stop breaking wind."

"Ni!"

"NI! Ni."

*...everyone busts out laughing*

"Peas and carrots, Rankin Bass..."
"Peas and carrots, Rankin Bass..."
"Peas and carrots, Rankin Bass..."
"Peas and carrots, Rankin Bass..."

Start at Tingler's death.

"F*** you."

That's not Jennifer Connelly.

Buckle in kids -- we're retconning the hell out of the Rankin/Bassverse.

"Unfortunately, lions can't talk."

[Pause for laugh]

"Annoying."

Not really a direct answer to the question.

No elf sex? The internet is not going to like this.

"Noooooot given to fornicate/
By some asshole's decreeeeee!"

Ignoring the bizarre musical number momentarily, when did the immortal leaders all become pixies?

.
o
O
(God... dad... just stop)

"To drink one's lymphatic fluid..."

"Nuh? Derr... Whuz'appening?"

"Start the car."

Shouldn't something comical or entertaining have happened by now?

'Til the laaaast douche is bagged...

'Til the laaaast douche is bagged...
'Til the worrrrrrst Disney sequel...

'Til the laaaast douche is bagged...
'Til the worrrrrrst Disney sequel...
'Til the plotttttttt goes somewhere...

"While waiting and being silent, I must engage in some redundant exposition relating information still fresh in the views' minds."

Oh my god, they're eternally teenagers.

Hey! What happened to remaining silent?!

Not the first dumb teenager to have this thought.

"My wooooooorld is beginning today-
Wait, that's wrong..."

"...in the crisper."

So, Green Teen Fairy Queen: 1, Lion: 0

"That sh*tty music."

"I wet myself again."

Imagine what you have to pay for a knockoff David Ogden Stiers.

She looks fine.

"Whaaaat? Speak up! This ain't whispering jimmies."

"It happens every week."

"Why doesn't anyone carry Collier's Weekly anymore?"

Impulse to penance in exactly one minute.

"I'm open."

Sheigra's awfully lo-fi.

"Taste blood? Yes, I think you do deserve that."

Nor anyone else, for that matter.

"And Prohibition is the law!"

The Sultan of Agrabah Loophole

"I'd say shut your fat trap, Sugar Plum Barbie."

"You shall be, the Fellowship of the..."

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Titanic: The Animated Movie (Part 5)

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"Her transistor needed replacing."

"It suits me, don't you think?"

"This is from a claw machine!"

Well, enough of that plot line; let's see what else is going on...

After hours at Taco John's.

Oh yeah baby, yeah, oh right there ooooooooh...

"Now, where did you last see them?"

"So, um, do you need help taking that dress off, or..."

"Phew, he's actually leaving!"

"It's almost like you're on this very ship with me even as I speak..."

"Next to Jello shots."

"She can suffer for me instead!"

Someone hit the romantic lead, he's stuck!

Have we set an ominous enough mood yet? Good.

Somewhere out here a polar bear is drinking a Coke.

Everyone must be watching Mr. Magic's show in the Centurion Lounge.

"It's a big black thing with stars and a moon in it..."

Oh yeah, I can see how he wouldn't have noticed that.

That's not an iceberg, it's the Matterhorn!

"Or just spin the wheel whichever way..."

"I love you Bob Hoskins!"
"I love you Christopher Eccleston!"

"Happy, happy--hwah?"

"Well, this is the last time I splurge for a balcony suite."

Great, there's a T-Rex outside too.

Oh no, the stock footage is taking on water!

"Starboard, starboard...is that left or right?"

"You too, Officer Hitler."

Etiquette regarding mourning dress was rather strict back then, but I'm pretty sure you didn't have to sleep in it...

"Aieee! Help! We're all gonna die!"
"Eh, it's probably nothing."

Great, so they'll be on deck in, oh, two hours...

Oh yeah, THAT will take care of it.

"OI!"

"Sorry, your accent's too impenetrable..."

That one part of the hull doesn't have a whole lot of integrity.

"What's going on? Does someone have an anachronistic musical number to help explain it?"

"Eh, don't worry about it, there's two thousand more where he came from."

Dammit, why do people insist on saving the annoying kid?

Eh, if they didn't have the sense to swim through the bars, they deserve to die.

How is his hat staying on?

"We're stuck in this shot!"

The cat's the better swimmer. That really is the most useless dog in the world.

The hull's been breached, what, sixteen times now?

"Shouldn't we, um, put people in them first?"

"They're lowering lifeboats with their MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINDS!

"Characters with speaking parts and children first!"

Geez, sorry I'm not saving my life fast enough."

"Aw Moooom, you never allow me to be recklessly materialistic!"

I always said, James Cameron never fully explored the slapstick potential of the Titanic disaster.

"Wow, my back feels great! This is better than chiropractics!"

"Ah-ha, soon her lunch will be MINE!"

Dammit, we're celebrating the Fourth of July NO MATTER WHAT!!

Our hero power walks to the rescue!

"What the--hey, that's the same staircase!"

Wal-Mart, Black Friday 1912

"If I don't reach the end of this stock footage soon, I'm doomed!"

They're pretty blase about this whole thing.

Walk in place to the lifeboats!

We're going to keep setting off this one flare until help arrives!

No wonder so many people died on the Titanic, it's taken them three tries to lower this one lifeboat!

"It's no use, we're not important enough to get a spot on the lifeboats..."

"I mean it, there's one of me and only several hundred of you!"

"And there's stock clips blocking the exits too!"

"This is a kid's movie, we're not allowed to die."

They hit an iceberg AND a time warp!

"Wait, how did I get back down here?"

"Don't loose hope! We will levitate to safety!"

Rosie O'Donnell?

"I'm not, I just don't want to go on emergency rations."

She's not worried; she has her own flotation device.

"And I'm French. That must count for something."

That's just what this movie needs--one more annoying selfish bastard.

"Last call? We haven't even been served drinks yet!"

Much like this movie.

"I'm a broad caricature too!"

"Sorry about the broken ankle, by the way."

Aw, it's like Ida and Isador Straus, only boring and laughable.

"We should reach the water sometime next week..."

"Damn, I'm a smug git."

I don't remember this verse of "Nearer My God to Thee"...

Oh God, it's starting over!

Did her voice actor quit mid-recording?

The running gag, ladies and gentlemen.

"Hey kid, we've got some candy in our pockets..."

"They're just working class, honey, ignore them."

Boy, this light comedy sure takes my mind off the fifteen hundred souls lost...

She's battling Our Lady of Soundtrack Sorrow for control of the music!

"We mean it, this is the absolutely final last call this time!"

"We'll never beat the Yale crew at this rate!"

"On the plus side, this is good for my abs..."

"Are you amused?"

"And Mary?"

"Yeah, everything's coming up roses right now, thanks..."

"Dammit, if only I could somehow break this thin pane of glass..."

I don't know if I'm more impressed by the fact they had safety glass in 1912 or that he's breaking it with a wicker chair...

o/...And I know only o-one song, so I'll sing it endlesslyyyyy....o/

Yes, we're still reacting!

"Oh, we're doomed. How gauche."

Last one to the lifeboats needs to turn out the lights!

The stock footage can't hold out much longer, Captain!

"Come on, I've had to load you people seven times already!"

"Yay, we won't be in the movie anymore!"

"Oh my stars!"

Shouldn't have built the ship on the San Andreas fault...

"Ow, dislocated my arm!"

"Hey kid, ever wanted to be a high diver?"

"Probation be damned, I'm going out happy!"

Did he just do Parkour?

o/...Contact, it's the moment, it's the reason that everything happens...o/

Wow, that was fast.

Hey, he came up with a different kid!

"I have no life vest and you're heavy and I'm tired and the water is freezing the blood in our veins as we speak, but we made it!"

"You can use him to pull the oars!"

"Allow me to levitate in the water as I hand him to you."

"Oh well, I tried."

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