Friday, June 24, 2011

Legend of the Titanic, Part 2

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"Come and get it, boys!"
SOMEONE skipped elocution class in finishing school...
Still, it can't be easy to carry on a conversation when your forearms are getting lacerated like that...
Did he just speak in tongues?
Back in those days that was the equivalent of grabbing a woman's boobs.
"Your mild buffonery is amusing!"
"You moron, you KNOW this thing throws off my depth perception!"
"Who's a cute little public menace? Yes you is!"
"And you REALLY like my leg, for some reason!"
"If you want to injure someone, go play with the bumbling henchman again!"
NO ONE will be seated during the thrilling glove removal!
"And you have hardly any fleas at all!"
"They call me MISTER Tibbs!"
"Bad dog! Who told you to initiate a Meet Cute?"
Somewhere a production of Les Mis is missing its Enjolras.
He's got it! TOUCHDOWN!!!
Is he the romantic lead or a serial killer?
"What's that, boy? The lack of sufficient lifeboats could spell death for us all?"
"Oh hey, the girl I told you to run off and harass! What are the odds?"
Wow, it's like the dance scene in West Side Story, only I want to poke my eyes out with a fork.
"You can fall in love with mysterious rogues later!"
"Or he might just be looking for a quick lay, it's hard to tell right now."
"If you were a TI calculator, maybe..."
"And your neck tablecloth must be stowed in your cabin."
"But we call him Steve."
The Titanic was on the Royal Caribbean line?
"THAT will teach you to do your job and enforce regulations!"
The Ugly American...uh, Gypsies, I guess.
The good guys, ladies and gentlemen.
"Two more months until retirement, two more months..."
What the--when did this become a Farrelly Brothers movie?
So, let's see: so far the male lead and his buddies have stolen a lady's glove, sniffed in a creepily fetishistic manner, pushed around a steward, and urinated on the same steward's boot. Nice crowd.
"But only after you defecate in it!"
Awww, what did the poor hat do?
Is this foreshadowing, or just padding?
"Bye-bye! Enjoy our soon-to-be-ironic joy as the ship pulls out of port!"
There's a hat jumping on a trampoline back there!
Steve Guttenberg and Bob Villa see them off!
They're all shouting, "Can I have your room?"
A crowd scene that says "We only had enough money to animate about 2/3rds of the arms."
Oh great, Newsies is starting.
Star Magazine: The Early Years
"There you are, Mister Frakes sir!"
"Little bastard marked out all the articles with a Sharpie!"
"Evil evil dark plot evil machinations evil evil..."
"Because evil opportunity only knocks once!"
"Hey hey, I'll be doing the evil laughing around here, thank you very much!"
"Well, okay. These three couples die and go to Heaven..."
"I thought I made myself clear at the captain's party, Jeffries..."
You mean apart from the fact he doesn't actually have the authority to do something like that?
"And by 'his money' I mean 'her sweet boobs'."
"You amuse me. I'll kill you last."
Geez, Voldemort thinks he should dial it back a little.
I think this is an alternate scene from The Social Network.
"Don't make me pose dramatically at you again!"
"Look boss, you can't expect me to keep both my plot points straight!"
"We'll need to do some work in your tubes later on."
There's the problem: they've got steel wool coming out of the smokestacks!
Are they sailing on asphalt?
Maybe they shouldn't have made the ship out of balsa wood.
Hey, I think the guy from the "Money For Nothing" video was down there...
Okay, who replaced the crew with cardboard cut-outs?
"I'll go obey your orders, even though you are quite obviously not Captain Edward J. Smith..."
"But what happened to your beard?"
"Oh shut the fuck up. I've been eating hardtack for three weeks straight."
"The comic relief section of the movie is about to start!"
Okay, no more caffeine for the cutesy animal characters.
"Lend me your ears!"
Tone it down! You could cut haggis with that accent!
"A birrrrrd in the had is worth two in the bush, and visitorrrs and fish stink after thrrrree days!"
So there's a subplot about mouse OSHA regulations?
The Titanic was done by cheap immigrant labor? Explains a lot, really.
Another cheese name? What do you want to bet there's a Jack Gruyere-Swiss on board?
"His dishes have very little plague in them!"
"Hold still, I haven't finished with the boring part yet!"
Fun fact: there were, in fact, no cats on the actual Titanic voyage. This was unfortunate because cats are considered to be good luck on ships, as well as useful for keeping the annoying talking rodent population down.
Ronnie has a death wish? He's REALLY going to enjoy this crossing...
"Or the kind that are so pampered and well-fed that they won't bother to chase us and will play no part in the movie at all."
Stella is voiced by Brittney of the Chipettes!
"I just wanted to ask you to never speak to me again. Bye!"
"Heh heh...say, isn't that Ronnie dangling over the ship's boiler right now?"
"Evil, party of two, right this way sir..."
Well, on the plus side the ship has an abundance of apple cider.
It's not easy to talk while kissing someone's hand. Try it sometime!
When's Leo going to come in to teach these stiffs a good time, huh?
"I understand you're evil, Mr. Maltravers. How's that working out for you?"
Does anyone else hear Katherine Jenkins warming up in the background?
"It's the finest of the leftovers thrown into the trash from here on out!"
"What about wacky schemes? Or zany hijinks? Can I do those?"
"And by that, I mean I don't want to lose out on sleeping with your sister."
"You'll have to take my word for it because we don't have the artistic skill to portray it."


Capped by TheDiva
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Thursday, June 23, 2011

The BFG (10/10)

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"Even though you two didn't really do anything."
"And if this film hadn't changed things so that giant country was in another dimension I might be able to do that and live in Britain at the same time, but now I can't."
"Actually... I'm gonna have to carry on eating those aren't I. Screw this I'm staying in Britain!"
"We can share the suffering of eating snozzcumbers."
You guys do know that the Queen has a name right?
My, what a seamless transition.
...come's a change in the music
"So what work have you done in the past Mr Rowe?"
"Well, I once wrote a song about farts."

The BFG (9/10)

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Of course what they don't know is that giants are really into bondage!
Well, at least it's not as embarasing as hitting your head on a wall mounted cupboard!
How on Earth did the helicoptor survive that?
"And one helicoptor with a small dent in it's undercarriage."
"Okay, maybe we should've brought a tank or 2."
The insurance company isn't gonna believe this story.
So he's not gonna release his mates first then?
And when the BFG is correcting your English you know you suck at it.
"Okay, before I kill you I'll have a little snack."
"Hello, remember me?"
If she wasn't in mortal danger right now this might actually be fun.
"Eat bubbles you b*stard!"
"That's twice in the last few days that I've nearly died now."

Sunday, June 12, 2011

The BFG (8/10)

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"Besides, there's not enough room for you to send yourself flying."
Evil Laugh No. #113
And everyone in the building suffocates.
What? No lone wheel rolling across the screen? You disapoint me movie.
Wait, what do you mean by 'anymore'? Are there historical records of giants existing?
"Hi."
"Because you'll have to work out what he's saying since his English isn't that great."
"I don't know how anyone can like this Twilight cr*p!"
The giants have access to a 'Random Nasty Name Generator'.
Our military leaders ladies and gentlemen.
Three rights on the other hand...
I think I've already used up my quota of Doctor Who jokes.
"Bloodbottler you magnificient b*stard, I read your book!"
"Now I know how the Green Army Men from Toy Story feel!"

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Legend of the Titanic, Part 1


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Scarlet Letter Productions presents....
That's Orlando Bloom's mobbed-up cousin, right?
Ewww, the dog's peeing on Russia!
Is this the same legend that "Goes On" in the other movie? Cause I don't think I could take any more rapping dogs....
Hey, if we hurry we can still catch the second-act injuries of Spider-Man: Turn of the Dark!
Is this the opening to a Titanic movie or the Macy's Parade?
Fay Wray's not ready for her date yet...
"Or did your crippling PTSD leave you a shaking wreck for years to come?"
"You can find pleasure, search the world for treasure, learn science technology!"
"Apart from its outdated rudder, brittle hull, and insufficient lifeboats, anyway..."
Why is the paper written in Morse Code?
"Shhhh, ixnay on the eathday!"
...

Yes, you heard him right. The deaths of fifteen hundred people, including some of the richest and most influential figures of the early 20th century, is all a misunderstanding. I'm sure he has some interesting theories on 9/11 as well.
"Summoning the ship's call girl."
"That's your grandmother's first pregnancy test; it's a priceless family heirloom!"
It summons Vanilla Ice? I can see why you wouldn't want to blow on it then...
"The year was nineteen-ought-six. The President is the divine Miss Sarah Bernhardt and all over America people were doing a dance called the Funky Grandpa..."
"Quick, find something bad to do before he starts talking!"
Grandpa, they can't hear your inner monologue...
o/...Finland Finland Finland, that's the country for me!...o/
"I said England!"
Oh...
Particularly for a young girl such as myself...
Abraham Lincoln sailed on the Titanic?
"Mustaches only this line; non-mustaches take the next ramp over..."
"Let's see...Hugh Jass, now boarding a Hugh Jass..."
No please, just drive to the front of the line; I'm sure the other passengers won't mind at all...
The 1912 Honda Element
Lord Cottonchops has arrived!
"Come on out; it's a beautiful day to be rich and white!"
Whoa, deja Winslet...
The cast of A Chorus Line is ready to sail!
"He'd also like to know what manner of towel animal you'd like in your cabin..."
"Such a big, strong, forceful ship...um, what are you doing later?"
"See? We can do the Kate Winslet establishing shot too!"
Still, there's been no seagull ass so far, so props for that...
Some random kids from Oliver! wander through the shot...
DUN DUN DUN!
Sylvester?
Bilbo and his friends make their escape.
"This bites. I'm going to go model for the Bad Kitty books."
Idiot, don't you know that every time you thought it was a goner the cat comes back?
He's dressed like the black chick from Saved by the Bell...
It's an open call for the next American Tail sequel!
"Heil Mousler!"
Annette! Tommy! Cubby!
"Mr. and Mrs. Crude Ethnic Stereotype..."
...Tell me I did not just hear that.
Really? They named their offspring after their favorite food? Imagine if humans did that:
"Hi, have you met our kids, Bacon and Eggs, Cheeseburger With Fries, and Chicken Parmigiana?"
*rimshot*
"Okay, nobody move back there, we don't have the budget to animate it!"
Hey, the mouse in the blue turban cloned himself!
"What, cheese names aren't good enough for you?"
Oh, she's so...exactly like the other mice...
"Cool, Diary of a Wimpy Kid! Can I read it when you're done?"
Tom Collins? Good, I could use a drink...
"You'll have plenty of time to stalk the passengers onboard!"
You got a megaphone or something? We can't hear you back here!
Did we really need a detailed explanation about how small vermin got onto the Titanic?
"Who cares? We're going on a cruise, not being press-ganged into the Navy."
You know, at this point I'd almost welcome the mariachi mice. Heck, I think I even see one of them back there.
"Ha-ha, your fear of hypothermia amuses us!"
"Step lively, wind in yer sails, and other generic sailor talk!"
Doogie Hawser?
"Just say the word and she sleeps with the fishes."
A PT Barnum mouse!
"Political upheaval."
"Though if I'd actually learned anything about it I'd know you call it 'football,' like nearly every other country apart from the United States..."
"But what the game really needs is hyperactive announcers who talk faster than cattle auctioneers and scream 'GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!' every time someone scores..."
*ball lands in water, floats away*
Okay, fine...now what are you going to do about the fact the game is boring as all get-out?
Don Bluth's Bend It Like Beckham
"Only not as lame."
Watch it, you almost hit Tevye Gigio back there!
"Just don't ask what we can do with tiny Speedos!"
I suppose it's too much to hope for that strychnine will play a major part in the plot?
"Not yet, there's still some exposition to get out of the way."
Ernst Blofeld's ancestors.
He's a pirate!
Maltravers? Too subtle. They should have named him Baron Evil von Evilton.
"No you don't, Daddy, but thank you for mentioning it to the audience."
"Well all right, death it is then."
Oh come now. Forty is the new thirty for disgusting evil serpents, I'm told!
"You kids these days, with your motorcars and your women's suffrage..."
"Now if you'll excuse me, I think I hear my tragically star-crossed love calling..."
"Tramps and thieves, too! Just like we heard from the people in the town!"
"I'm evil, by the way, have you picked up on that yet?"
Do Gypsies really dress like Victorian stage magicians?
They hope to go to America, where they will be free to love as they choose!
The cast of Les Miserables approves!
That's not a cravat; it's a tablecloth!
"You bitch, you said I was the only one in your life!"
"Or just leap spastically around, that works too!"
.oO(What was I supposed to do again?...Oh who cares? There's a fire hydrant I haven't sniffed yet!)
We never did discover who let them out, did we?
They have to make a Twilight Bark about some Dalmatians.


Capped by TheDiva
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