Friday, May 3, 2013

William The Conkeror

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William's Wish Wellingtons is sponsored by the Alliteration Appreciation Agency
Did he wish to explode?
Bah dum tish
Except the teachers judging by that establishing shot, so not everybody.
"That was my mother's."
"Otherwise they would face the wrath of my boots."
Come one, there's no way there's an actual cup for conkers.
You won't be saying that in about five years kid.
They probably hurt a lot afterwards to.
Huh, I would've thought that the biggest conker in the world would be, well, bigger.
So does nobody notice the giant-conker bearing truck which suddenly vanishes into thin air?
Other animals could destroy it with ease, but not elephants.
Wait, the cup is REAL!?
I bet Joe is actually the Mekon in disguise.
I'll bet somewhere there's a shounen tournament manga about conkers.
These conkers are really flimsy aren't they.
And now the girl kissing commences.
Right, how long before it kills someone?
That must be some mighty car!
And William has now done several million dollars worth of damage.
Funny, I don't recall William wishing that his conker could survive re-entry.
And William gets expelled for damaging school property.
"Hey, there's nothing in the rule book against using super conkers created by magic."

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Dougal and the Blue Cat (the Magic Roundabout)

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From previous experience I wouldn't exactly call this movie a good time...
First Name: The

Surname: Train

Occupation: Steam powered public transport that runs on metal rails that is known for occasionally being late
This is bascially the British equivalent of Samurai Pizza Cats
Scenery by Stephanie form Lazy Town
"And my spit is acidic so you'd better watch out!"
Dougal starts channeling the end of a season of Doctor Who
"There is no grass to keep off and the election isn't for another week."
"But first I'll need to grow a pair of hands."
If you don't like it why the hell did you buy a talking Cuckoo Clock in the first place?
"She's human and you're a dog, it'll never work."
You know I get the feeling something happened last night
Wow, I didn't know Virgin trains were that bad!
Dougal has a hat for every nation
You're not even on any rails, you could just swerve round it!
Don't worry Train, I know what it's like to have your path obstructed by a cow!
"Alright then, Chaos."
Worst. Train. Ever
"On drugs as usual I presume?"
"Oh no, we're being attacked by an orchestra!"
"Middlesborough, how exiting!"
"And it you find the idea of a magic magic moustache hard to believe, please note that I am a man on a spring!"
"I have an ego you see."
"I mean they were all just standing on a big blue sphere congruatulating the emo kid for something!"
So there are much stranger things then men on springs in this world then
Says the talking dog who is currently relaying this information to a man on a SPRING!!!
"Yes despite the fact that I am a disembodied voice I somehow have a colour!"
"How that would make them think that though I have no idea!"
Something tells me there's going to be a lot of blue in this film
"I'm more of a green person."
"There are no psychiatrists in this world, the whole place just drives them mad!"
"Well...she's human at least."
Wait a minute, Florence isn't singing at all, it's the narrator!
(crack, crack, crack, shatter)
Now it's plainly obvious that she's not singing, who in their right mind would demand to themselves that they don't do song?
Wait, I've got was the flowers singing the whole time!!!
The Others? Are we watching Lost all of a sudden?
Which for some reason was now in the middle of a town even though it never had been before.
Yes, we played some dramatic music just for a cat.
Yeah, but in animal colouring 'blue' is a kind of grey.
Why are you doing that?
Well at least he's not rapping.
"What ever that was was very good indeed."
"Excuse me for a second, my moustache is having a seizure!"
You know I've just thought of something, has this roundabout ever demonstrated any kind of magical abilities in either this film or the TV series.

And no having an evil villain with the voice of Tom Baker sealed within in doesn't count.
"Watch, (shoves Florence who falls down), see I push them and they fall over!"
.oOHow am I managing to sing like this with a load of flowers in my mouth?
"Been demanding things of yourself in song?"
"I went there for a weekend once, it was really dull."
♪ Windy Miller
Windy Miller

Half a pile of corn ♪
"Except in August, August is a bit rubbish."
"You can find it wandering around somewhere."
"Meh, I see blue cats everyday. It's the drugs you see, they make me see things like that."
"All that name has got going for it is some nice alliteration."
"Oh come on, I can a very good Tony Blair voice."
Because you see, there aren't any hotels in this fact that aren't even that many buildings in general.
Yes he has plenty of room because he lives outside!!!
Why do I get the feeling that the narrator is going to sing again under the pretence that it's the characters singing?
"Oh you might want to evict the cuckoo clock at some point."
"With an attractive lady cat for company."
Well you see Florence, when a mummy blue cat and a daddy blue cat love each other very much...
She wondered if she should vote Conservative at the next election
Yes, but it was just the dramatic music. Ignore it and go back to sleep.
.oO Why I am saying all this out loud?
and now it's Sleeping Beauty
If you're two beings obsessed with the colour blue why is your headquaters in a pink building?
"I've been revising my history for days.

"It's a maths test."

"Oh b*gger!"
"You won't be able to get into university."
Wait...what's a death threat doing in the Magic Rounbabout?
see, this is why this plot wouldn't work with a dog...they're colourblind!
Hary Potter and the Deathly Hallows
"Hurray for genetic engineering!" exactly can a disembodied voice have a colour?
Hey, I like green!
I'm guessing the Blue Voice's favourite band is the Blue Man Group, and her favourite TV show is probably the Smurfs
Oh I dunno, its probably orange!
Oh you bet I'm f***ing frightend
"If you don't manage to become king Buxton, you could always start presenting the Sky at Night."
Getting a bit over ambitious there aren't you
It seems they decided to throw Doctor Frankenstein into this thing!
So the Blue Voice takes the Blue Peter approach to making armies
"Yes I'm sorry I put the conveyor belt right across the middle of the room with no way of getting round it, that really was silly of me."
Wait, that's not blue BURN IT!
"How did that happen?"
Shouldn't that red carpet be blue?
So for the time being, just this room
See, this is why we should vote for kings!
Not only is this cat blue, he can also levitate!
They wanted him to do a drum solo but he prefered the piano
"Only the king may dance."
And he loses his balance, falls off and breaks his back
Well at least this villainous dictator admits that he's evil
Yes, we get it you're the king!
"So don't destroy any of this red furniture or my crown."
"Because this is a kids movie so we can't kill anyone."
How can you be sure he's the best, he's barely been king for five minutes!
"Man I thump hard!"
" get ourselves a haircut!"
"You're not implying that the dog and the cat might be gay are you Brian?"
Which as you can imagine isn't very easy when you don't have hands.
"An explosion in a blue paint factory."
"That's because I can't!"
"I hope you don't mind me leaving a slime trail on your canvas."
"I need to make smarter friends."
Since when do snails have teeth?
You're an idiot
.oO Oh I should do Shakespeare one day
"But unfortunately I lost my copy of the script!"
"and Brian."
"He's probably going to tear it up to lay down a patio!"
"Trouble is, I don't have any hands so one of you will have to do it for me while I dictate."
"Someone has to be dotty in this place."
"Didn't I ever tell you about my secret stash of W.M.Ds?"
and because he's a cat, he can't get down!
"Oh wait, I said that bit already!"
Buxton's colour also caused him to be rejected from RADA
"Here I match some of the scenery."
"You damn racist!"
"Hello, remember us?"
"I'm being chased by weird boingy noises!"
"I can't find it now, I'm too busy taking a wizz behind this tree!"
"What did you say Buxton?"

"Oh er...nothing."
Oh god not this bit again!
"You are all tone death."
An entire army of siamese triplets
.oO Maybe I should recruit some Blue Meanies into my army instead of those weird toilet roll things
He's the leader because there's only one of him
"Ha, we get the easy one!"
The Blue soldiers also double as wrapping paper
"Um...I'm not holding onto you."
"Wow, that guy must have the srongest hair in the world!"
"He's in his dressing room."
"Well I would if they had guts, I mean why would a load of toilet roll men have guts?"
"By the way, do you by any chance have a spare brain I could borrow?"
Captured: verb (used with object)

To take by force or stratagem; take prisoner; seize: "The police captured the burglar."
"Which isn't surprising considering this thing was originally made by the French."
"I knew I shouldn't have purchased those GM Crops."
Fortunately I don't eat salad so I'll be fine.
"That and I don't want to get sued if you end up with food poisoning."
Well at least he didn't say, "Today the garden, tomorrow the world."
I question the chaining up of Zebedee, I don't think that'll hold him for very long
"You see, as a villain I need a moustache, otherwise I've nothing to twirl. I could use my whiskers of course but it doesn't have quite the same effect."
"And no I don't know which is which so don't bother asking."
King Buxton's reign would last until his defeat in the battle against Roadblock
"I heard that Buxton."
.oO Now, how do I get rid of a disembodied voice anyway?
"ACK I swollowed some of it!"
Well at least he didn't have to go through the room with all the masks
Dougal's other potential aliases included Lord Tiwas, The Grand Duke Swap Shop or The Minister of Mayhem
"Well really it's because some moron left a great big trap door in my path!"
"Despite the fact that I've been king for barely two hours."
"And replace that red curtain with a blue one while you're at it."
.oO Who am I talking too?
"He also started to wonder, where exactly did Buxton find the time to collect all this sugar, did he really collect it just on the off chance that Dougal would sneak in in disguise and needed a way of finding him out?"
Rather than Blue Peter the 50 year old kids show
"I should've done the sensible thing and got myself hooked on cocain instead!"
"You're never going to get the part of Hamlet, ever!"
.oO When did I weigh all of this?
What, all of it?
"He doesn't like being stood on."
"And no, you don't get to vote for him."
"Has someone farted in here?"
"Especially if you're into that sort of thing."
"And yet so far I have done practically nothing as King except order my army to capture everybody."
Must be singing about the ET Atari game
Well either a dream or a drug trip
Yeah, keep telling yourself that, pile on the false reasurance.
"I mean we've already tried a round of eye spy and that lasted for about 10 minutes."

"We could try charades."
"And yes that includes my friends."
Okay, it seems that the man on a spring has his tear ducts in the center of his fact, it might just be one weirdly shaped eye with two pupils!
"Well I admit I was wrong about the world being flat but nobodies perfect."
Oh that's nice Dougal, what a great heroic friend you are!
Wait...did Buxton just call Dougal "dear"?
And that's the most creative insult he can think of
"You can mock David Cameron, but you are absoultely forbidden from mocking Blue Peter."
"I didn't vote for him."
Dougal should consider getting a job in the room with the scary masks
"Then again, considering that I'm the hero in disguise that's rather easy."
I sense Ho Yay
The Blue Voice likes her man love!
Oh, so the disembodied voice that could potentially be everywhere hasn't been paying attention to what's been going on for a while.
"He's my Primeminister, not your's, you can't have him, he's all mine!"
"I shall say this only once."
And suddenly we slip back into the original French version.
"Yes, we only need helmets, the rest of the space suit would just be uneccassary baggage."
.oO Blimey I'm cross!
Stanley Kubrick and Arthur C. Clarke


"Shame I stole it."
"Oh wait, I don't have hands so I can't."
"And what a horrible colour."
Oh so that's how NASA found it.
Congratulations Dougal, not only have you found water on the Moon you have also contaminated it with blue paint.
"You'll 'ave 'ad your tea."
Yes folks, something you thought you'd never see...a fight scene in the Magic Roundabout!
My moneys on the cat
So a fight somehow manages to knock the spaceship out of the Moon's gravity, yeah that makes sense.
Wait...that's not Earth
Yeah, a parachute in open space that'll work
Wait, how'd the rocket get back her so quickly?
Well no not really
"Look all I did was get distracted from painting the moon because I suddenly got into a fight!"
"We're over here where you left us!"
.oO Good grief this rabbit is heavy!
"My trading card collection!"
"Hmm...maybe getting a cat to do my dirty work wasn't such as good idea, maybe next time I'll make a member of the Blue Man Group king, or maybe a Smurt...or how about one of the Na'vi."
"Ow and now a building's fallen on me, this just keeps getting better and better!"
And since there was no sign of a night we can only assume that all that happened within a single day.
"Oh we nailed him to a cross next to Eric Idle."
"No, wait, that wasn't help at all, he just ate everything!"
"I even had a song about how evil I am."
Now how the hell did that happen?
Yeah, because they're really going to kill someone in the Magic Roundabout!
Show off
"And don't ask me how I did that because I have absolutely no idea."
And thus round 2 begins.
Which has not in any way demonstrated any magic at all....ever.

Friday, July 13, 2012

MUNY presetns Aladdin

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Titles by Mrs. Hanson's seventh grade art class.
It's a precision yoga class!
Early Muslim architects did wonder with cardboard...
What sort of person wastes one of his three wishes on a kickline?
Did...did Genie just come on to him?
Still, I gotta wonder how they're going to do the turning-into-celebrity-caricatures trick...
o/...We don't have the budget for this scene...o/
o/...We'll have to just pretend there's neat stuff out there...o/
o/...And try not to look real stupid on this rug...o/
Maybe Genie wasn't imprisoned in the lamp, maybe he was just sitting tight until he reached a time period when his lifestyle would be acceptable.
Man, when your cast is snarking on the lyrics in the middle of the show...
o/...Hey hey, we're the Monkees!...o/
Okay, the subtext is becoming less and less sub by the moment...


Can I use one of my wishes to give severe intestinal distress to whoever thought using "BFFs" in a lyric was acceptable?
Ah yes, the cart of the Arabian sorcerers!
With Paul Lynde as the Genie
Okay everyone, big wordless chorus finish!
That's it, don't worry about the pitch, the percussion will make it sound impressive!

Capped by TheDiva

Monday, June 18, 2012

The First Man You Remember

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Last night I dreamed I went to Manderley again...
It's such a lovely day-for-night out...
Wait...Rick Astley? He did more than one video?
"Hey, give me my scarf back! I'm freezing!"
Can the moon actually go nova?
Meanwhile, at a funeral in 1985...
Gilda Radner!
Cut, cut! Could the drunken mime clear the set?
o/ do you up the backdoor...o/
Seriously, do they just not notice the Dread Pirate Roberts doing the Jerk back there?
"Hey, hey, I paid the dime for this dance!"
Everybody VOGUE!
She's like a less emotive Sarah Brightman...
"I also want to go to a party that doesn't have its own modern dance troupe."
"Okay." *kicks her legs out from under her*
"Even when I'm craving a Frosty at eleven at night?"
"Let's not get too hasty."
So, you want him to give you arrhythmia?
All right, Bebe Neuwirth, I'm cutting you off and calling a cab...
This must be what Bob Fosse's nightmares looked like.
"Wow, that was one fuckin' weird party!"
o/...Drifting, falling, floating weightless...o/
"Which explains the huge tsunami!"
She's pigeon-elbowed!
"Would you settle for being the first one I drunk dial?"
The mall security is going to be pissed when they see these two screwing around in the fountain...
"How romantic, it feels like we're walking on a plastic table barely underneath the water!"
Amy Yasbeck and Dustin Hoffman: A Love Story
Isn't the first man you remember usually the loser you're thankful you broke up with?

Capped by TheDiva

Monday, April 30, 2012

Backstreet Boys--Everybody (Backstreet's Back)

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Oh great, another live action Scooby-Doo movie.
"I turned up the radio to mask the rattling noise and everything!"
Quit trying to act! You're all embarrassing yourselves!
He is this close to being a minstrel show.
"Right after my Steppin' Fetchit routine!"
Eh, could be worse. Could be a Motel 6.
Dracula's brides come in, then decide they're not that hungry.
"What the....AJ?"
Meanwhile, at Hogwarts...
He's become Grizabella from Cats!
"Damn, puberty hit fast!"
Kristen Stewart?
Oh my mistake, this woman has pigment.
And now it's a Criss Angel routine...
And he's instantly got Gerard Butler beat.
Wes Craven's Ratatouille
"Have you tried the live rats? They're marvelous!"
I don't know the air-speed velocity of an overladen swallow, if that's what you want.
Pimp Daddy Lon Chaney Jr.
Did...did you just ask your fanbase of twelve-year-old girls "Am I sexual?"
o/...For I'll live inside you forever...o/
Damn, white monsters can't dance.
This is a fan trailer for Tim Burton's Dark Shadows, right?
Um, no. No, it's not all right.
"Ow, my back!"
"Yo, yo, where my angels of music at?"
What if I don't care enough to wave my hands?
The thing from The Abyss gets a cameo!
Is she entranced, or bored?
Was there much rejoicing?
So Mr. Hyde was actually some kind of fish creature?
If you rock your body wrong, see a chiropractor.
Somewhere a wrap fetishist is getting off on those girls.
Is the backing track losing battery power?
It's a prom attended entirely by Harlequin Romance cover models!
Imhotep's in da house!
Is that a threat?
Sweating bats is one of the lesser-known vampire powers.
So, this video is basically a cross between "Thriller," the Universal Monsters, and Teen Beat.
Still, it was nice of Tim Burton to let them shoot in his foyer.
Do the Awkward Geek!
"Now, on the floor for leg lifts! And one, and two..."
"Fear my open shirt!"
"No, if I hit puberty my career will be over!"
"I dreamed that Michael Jackson sued us..."
"I had a terrible dream too! We were in a framing scene for a video, and they forced us to recite lines!"
"We are confessing the homoerotic ones, right?"
"I'm your bus driver now!"

Capped by TheDiva

Monday, April 16, 2012

Rebecca Black--Friday

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Great, High School Musical font. This does not bode well.
Quoting better songs isn't going to improve your crappy song any, honey.
Oh no, we've hit a time warp!
o/...Did my hair and makeup in my sleep last night...o/
Is she possessed by one of those creepy J-horror ghosts?
Starring Marilyn Monroe!
Amy Adams?
"Come on, we're going to get thrown from the car and into the side of a semi, it'll be fun!"
The existential dilemmas our young people are faced with these days...
I didn't think it was possible, but she's so Auto-Tuned it's wrapped all the way back around to tone deaf.
They pass a car full of Alanis Morrisettes going the other way...
That's great, kids, just keep pretending the car's actually moving!
o/...Till her daddy takes the T-bird awaaaaaaay!...o/
Highway? You're sitting in front of a Target Photo backdrop in a car none of you are old enough to drive; just accept it...
This is what ten-year-olds think being sixteen is like...
*girl on left* "Thanks Becca, what am I, chopped liver?"
Yes, if I've learned nothing else, it's that she's got this and I've got this.
What I wouldn't give for this to turn into a cautionary driver's ed film right about now...
You got into Mommy's makeup again, didn't you Rebecca?
Call me old-fashioned, but I prefer the classic Dragnet theme.
I'm looking forward to the end of the song.
Her youth group throws the BEST parties!
People prone to seizures should not watch Rebecca Black.
....Come to think of it, that's good advice for people who aren't prone to seizures, too.
"We pass remedial English!"
Maybe this is just a failed Sesame Street segment.
Oh no, another video is trying to muscle in on her territory!
Break it down, MC Lamer!
It was nice of them to give the pedophile hanging around outside the school a cameo in their video.
So, their junior high production of Bye Bye Birdie was having a cast party and just decided to make a music video, huh?
Wave your hands in the air like you just kind of vaguely don't care!
Parents, don't let this happen to you! Don't let your children watch Glee!
And there was much partying.
Is she in the Netherworld?
Even the extras are having a hard time looking excited at this point.
"Yeah, kick it girl. We're going to ride the bile of YouTube commentators all the way to stardom!"
*Weekend not available in all areas. Partying partying and fun fun fun fun results may vary. Offer not valid in VT.
*checks watch* And her fifteen minutes will be up just about...

Capped by TheDiva

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Get to Know the Features of Your Fijit Friend

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Fidge what?
This is strictly policed.
But it'll feel wrong somehow.
Dealing smack, joining the Moonies...
1. I'm concerned about your drinking.
Ew! Not like that!
I beg your pardon?!
She just doesn't care.
Fidget Friend is basically your grandma.
Smile warily...
1. Ooh it's so big.
2. I wore your present today.
3. No, I don't mind anal.
If it's talking nonsense, slap it.

Much better than you will, in fact.
She only has that one CD.
*reaches for the claw hammer*
Which will be shortly.
Who bought her a SNUFF tee shirt?
Just like your uncle.
You wouldn't want her to go accidentally into "chirp" mode after all.
They're all laughing at you
Down, not across
He'd love you if you put out
Condescending, borderline...
If this is your daughter's best friend, you have failed as an organism.
Capped by Space Toast

Sunday, December 4, 2011

The Adventure of the Wrong Santa Claus

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This is another one of Edison's propaganda pieces against Tesla, isn't it?
And see images from the film in the current Weekly Prose.
"I thought you said we were getting a Barrymore for this movie!"
"Yeah, abou that..."
"Can this wait? I'm still getting the script from the Pictoral Review..."
"Shoot, I just cut my unemployment check in half!"
"a Christmas pasty?" So all their kids get for the holidays is a pie shell filled with meat and veggies?
"Don't read over my shoulder! You know that makes me nervous!"
"Well, of course I'll help them out! Who better to play Santa Claus than a skinny, greasy-haired dandy?"
"Have fun, I'm sick of slaving away for your 1% ass so I'm joining the Occupy Wall Street community..."
"Welcome to Shelves O' Random Crap, what can I help you find today?"
"Whoops, this is our King Lear costume. Let me go back and get the Santa coat..."
"While I'm here, I'd also like to buy a washbasin and a lynched drum..."
"Ah, this must be Mrs. Randall's home in Oakville. See, it pays to read the title cards."
And he's greeted by the cast of Gosford Park!
Dammit, I HATE it when a movie drags the credits out through the entire opening sequence...
"Say the secret word and the main entree comes down."
"Now remember, Jimmy, what happened behind the tool shed is our little secret, right?"
Edision Pictures presents "A Date With Your Family"
No, that entrance wasn't suspicious enough. Try it with a black cloak and a mustache to twirl...
"Anybody seen my hat?"
"And then we got to go on a field trip to the textile mill to see the poor children get amputated! Yay!"
"Well, I'll just go asex-SIST! Assist your wife..."
"I'm not a burglar, I'm just looking for my hat. It was a nice hat, too..."
"Nice! Is the burglar over in the corner new, too?"
"Don't use the wardrobe, though. One of the kids went in there last week and came out claiming to be king of somewhere-or-another..."
"Now remember, Santa has to tell me I've been a VERY naughty girl..."
That's not Grace Randall, it's Amelia Earhart!
"He's going to be Santa? Well, I've been a VERY--"
"Wait your turn!"
"Look, I paid for the hour, I get first dibsies!"
"Dammit, that hat has to be around here somewhere..."
"I know, I'll hide in the garderobe!"
"Yyyyyyyep, still poncy!"
"Let's see, the g-string and the bit with the tassels should go on first..."
NO ONE will be seated during the thrilling unpacking scene!
"There's the corset, and the wedding veil, that should be everything..."
"Sit down, children, and I'll tell you all about my exciting adventures with Gertrude Stein..."
Dammit, they sold him the Dumbledore costume by mistake!
"Let's, ho-ho-ha! No, that's not right, shoot..."
Why is that one kid wearing an origami swan on her head?
"There, now I can go back to finding my hat in peace!"
"I'll take this basket of goodies to Grandma's while I'm at it..."
"I'm not sure what she proposed is anatomically possible..."
"And this is how I danced with Alice B. Toklas..."
"Hmmm, maybe my hat is in one of these presents..."
The monster! He's stealing their Swiss Colony gift boxes!
Well, when you have cookies at every stop om your route, you've got to expect a sugar crash...
o/...You're a mean one, Mr. Generic Silent Film Villain...o/
"I'll take this fruitcake too, in case I need a weapon in a pinch..."
"Ooooh man, whatever was in that eggnog was good shit!"
"This bites. I can't wait until they invent the 24-hour Christmas Story marathon..."
"I guess the intertitle was right; I AM locked in! Shoot..."
"I've got it! I'll write a sign that says 'Octavius miraculously escapes' and hold it up to the camera!"
Aaaand back to the incestuous dance party.
"Are you okay? We're still on for later, right?"
"God dammit, the dog piddled on the tree again!"
"Um, yeah, the dog did that..."
As a general rule, don't trust people who refer to themselves in the third person...
"Fear not, madam, I shall deploy my powers of dandydom and save the day!"
"I've got to find a bell to ring on a street corner, fast!"
Christmas comes to the set of Gangs of New York.
"Now to hitch a ride to the set of The Great Train Robbery, and I'm in the clear!"
D.W. Griffith's The Polar Express
He's a quick change artist!
Oh, this is the scene where he throws the Nazis off and then turns to the crowd and says "No ticket," right?
Just take our workd for it. There was an attempt, and it failed.
o/...I hear the sleigh a-comin', it's rollin' round the bend...o/
This was before they had lighting in movies...
"You gotta help me! Pitch is after me again and this time he's got a gun!"
This is going to end with one of them screaming "Shoot us both, Rudolph, it's the only way!" isn't it?
"Look, can't I just eat my Jimmy John's in peace?"
"Oh you are SO getting a lump of coal and a switch this year!"
He's trying to figure out a discreet way to ask for the latest issue of Hot Elf Girls...
"Hey, that was my lunch! First my hat, now this!"
"Come on, at least let me keep the bag of Doritos!"
Solomon would have just ordered the gift basket to be cut in two.
"The proper term is breast, thank you very much!"
Oh come on, all he did was ride down to the next train station and filched the guy's basket when he was distracted by the nudie mags. That's not exactly Sherlock Holmes-level detective work there...
"Christmas is saved! I've brought Quizno's for everybody!"
And after all this, that poor guy never found his hat. Well, at least he got a nice Santa costume out of the deal...
The first Bratz dolls were very different.
"And for you, young man, a replica of Leonardo's Horse!
"Okay, who ordered the Classic Italian on wheat?"
"It's toasted and everything! You shouldn't have!"
"Thanks, this is really good for my carpal tunnel..."
"Are you going to sex her up? Can we watch?"
"No, it's okay, go on with what you were doing. It's not anything we haven't seen a million times at the nickelodeon anyway..."
Damn, usually you have to wait to have your own kids to have this problem...
"If Grace won't let you do her up the backdoor, I'd be more than willing..."
"Don't worry, this will be much easier when they invent the Internet."
"Fifty cents says he fists her."
A fine wood varnish!
Helena Bonham-Carter in her private boudoir.
"Now, where were we? Ah yes, I was holding your arm out in a stiff passionless manner, like so...
Well, there was that incident with Psyche, but we'll let that pass.
"God dammit, you little pervs! Go watch Charlie Brown or something!"
These two kids later went on to write the Hays Code.
"There's a dime, it should keep you in candy for a month. Now beat it!"
A child's first extortion racket is such a magical thing...
"Dammit, who didn't put up the fourth wall?"
Hey, you've got the paragraph markings enabled on your credits!

Capped by TheCarolingDiva

Thursday, November 17, 2011

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic - Episode 1: Friendship is Magic (Part 1) Captioned

You need Flash player 8+ and JavaScript enabled to view this video. a galaxy far far away.
And considering this meant they had to rotate the planet that's actually pretty impressive.
She decided to make nocturnalism mandatory, anyone not awake at night would be executed.
So now it's Rock-A-Doodle with ponies.
With their powers combined they summoned Equestria's greatest champion, Captain Planet.
"You're not going to start making vampire jokes about me are you?"
"Man if only we had the internet in this world, I could easily look it up on Wikipedia."
Well they've got to compensate for the lack of hands somehow.
See also: McGuffin/Plot Device, Chekhov's Gun, contrast 'Deus Ex Machina'.
And now you've just broken her spine, well done Spike.
"What you mean that one episode of Thunderbirds where they get stuck on a mono-rail and..."
"No Spike!"

And those two words are suddenly cool again.
That must be really unpleasant!
"Try some dusty new books instead."
"In order to subtly ensure the defeat of your first villain."
You haven't read the script for episode two have you Twilight.
"This one is the most popular character in the show, at least make freinds with her."
"I'm a pony in a cowboy hat, what could possibly be more awesome then that?"
"I hope you don't mind if I apply the blur filter to your right foreleg."
"The apple family is almost as large as the cast of Bleach."
And now for the only members of the family that'll actually matter...
Was she always called that, even when she was young?
Mother Nature went "Sod it" a long time ago and left the pony population to deal with the weather themselves.
It wasn't that funny!
"How'd you guess?"
"No, just 'a' Wonderbolts, didn't you hear they come in six-packs."
And thus we have an instant videogame level.
"I am Rainbow Dash, and I am awesome!"
And how does she know it doesn't normally look like that?
You wouldn't want to go to Canterlot, it is a silly place.
.oO And I thought I had trouble socialising!
"And please don't let the first impression fool you, I can be kinda badass when I need to be."
"Well that was the most awkward moment of my life."
Says the talking pony.
"So what were you saying about crazy ponies?"
"This means I have to socialise doesn't it."
And fans are too busy looking at a background pony to pay attention to this scene.
I know how you feel Twilight.
So do ponies just not know what 'showing up late' is?
And after that dramatic cliffhanger here's some happy cheerful music.