Thursday, July 29, 2010

Miley Cyrus--Can't Be Tamed

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Must be hard to walk with a concave spine.
"And the giant cream puff in the back..."
Lady Gaga!
"My pants!"
An honest politician? A well-adjusted Twilight fan?
Must be a bitch cleaning the droppings out of her hair.
"Someone who actually enjoyed The Last Airbender!"
Raise the giant petticoat!
"Mmmff, five more minutes, Mom..."
"Hey, that's just a common Avis popstarus disneyana with tarty makeup!"
"Fake!"
"Ripoff!"
Did Annie Leibovitz shoot this too?
"Um, yay, I guess...."
"Oooh, lovely CGI plumage!"
"They spent a fifty thousand dollar grant on this?"
Her species can spontaneously generate backup dancers!
When the pitch was "Miley Cyrus does a cage dance," I don't think this is what the producers had in mind...
Flying elves!
"Folks, we should have warned you this species has a rather irritating mating call..."
She's defiling Big Bird's nest!
Zoo security by BP.
The first Acrobatus cirquedusoleilus born in captivity.
Eww, no yiffing, please.
It's like the world's goth-est drag show.
Still, it must annoy Billy Ray that her career's already lasted longer than his did.
Your contract with Disney says otherwise.
But she can be Auto-Tuned within an inch of her life.
I notice the audience has wisely dispersed.
Cinderella!
With that outfit, your intentions are pretty damn clear.
Did Alvin do uncredited additional vocals on this?
The Creation Museum goes to extreme lengths to draw attendance.
o/...Do you wanna date my avatar...o/
This is one weird field trip.
The guy on the left's wearing an Elizabethan ruff!
Ah, and here comes the lesbian subtext!
It's only a matter of time before she's shaving her head and flashing her cocoh at paparazzi, isn't it?
You'd think all those feathers would tickle in inappropriate and uncomfortable places...
I gotta say, I don't think this sequel to Cats was entirely necessary.
Did she just admit she's into girls?
"Even though my every move has been orchestrated by a major entertainment conglomerate, I'm all natural!"
"I can go potty like a big girl!"
Orgy directed by Julie Taymor
*accidentally slits jugular*
He has to wear that so he won't chew on his stitches.
Hey, no climbing on the exhibits! What do you think that rope's there for?
So, I think what Miley's trying to say here is, she's a skanky ho and she's okay with that.
"My hair!"
Chinese pole acrobats!
Peek-a-boo!
And you can't SHUT UP either, apparently!
o/...I have no shame...o/
Buh-KAW!
Next year they'll have Hawking do the keynote address instead.


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Saturday, July 24, 2010

Strawberry Sex by Ken Hirai

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That must've been quite a wreck. Look at his pants.
← BECAUSE HE'S RICH
Passed over by the Steppenwolf tour. This had better be a new low.
"YOU'RE FANTASTIC, POWER LINES!"
Good. Stare at her boobs. American girls love that.
Failed cosmetology school on a 1.3 GPA
Is this seriously all the blonde they could afford?
*ejaculates*
"I like you despite your weird face."
Is it time for the racism then?

Roots











Guess not.
Don't you hate it when you meet a girl's mom, and the "After" picture ruins the "Before" picture?
↑              
(BLACK HAIR)          
                                               ↑
                                             (BLONDE HAIR)
↑              
(BLACK HAIR)          
                                               ↑
                                             (BLONDE HAIR)
↑              
(BLACK HAIR)          
The weirdface girl must be playing hitchhiker king of the hill.
"Ever ride in a lozenge?"
What did we talk about, dude?
Three more hits and he's dead.
Did the director have a fetish for creepy smiles?
*ejaculates painfully*
Enough with Mrs. Robinson poolside. It's time for the Jimmy Swaggart fantasy.
(Technically that's just strawberry foreplay.)
"Objectivism is the only logical philosophy!"

"No, behavioral psychology has laid waste to its fundamental tenets!"
Like he's never done a tranny in Thailand.
TRUST RENT-A-TUMBLEWEED!
For All Your Tumbleweed Needs
Special rates for low-rent Japanese exterior shoots.
Did he really want to ride in the hearse?
Finally! There's the racism. And a touch more homophobia because you asked nicely.
"Oh hey, you're bluffing!"
A bored Jersey housewife and a community college anthropology major. Aren't you straight pimping.
♥ ♥ ♥ ♠ ♣ ♦
That's smart.

If you lose enough they comp your room.
I'll bet anything the ball doesn't land on perineum tonight.
Welcome to America
"Hey, it's me. The gay guy from the car. This whole thing has been a repressed homosexual allegory. Why don't you party with me tonight?"
"A FIGMENT OF MY IMAGINATION IS REALLY HERE!"
*wah wah waaah*
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Friday, July 23, 2010

The Story of Menstruation

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Um, the film's in upside-down...
Sessions Presents: Classic Lullabyes
You bleed, your back aches, you do it again in a month. Next?
I hear Alan Menken wrote a great ballad for Tammy the Tampon in this.
Because she's one baaaad--
Shut yo' mouth!
--she'll send you to bed without dessert if you don't eat your vegetables.
Remember, girls should be seen and not heard.
--defecate, scream at all hours of the night--
Speak for yourself; I had mine on a tight schedule.
GAAAAH IT'S STARING INTO MY SOUL!!!
And an unforgettable weekend in Vegas.
Number fifteen: The thing that controls the naughty bits.
For those of you that need a little extra help, there's steroids.
"Hey, femur! Quit slacking off and make with the lengthening already! You too, tibalis anterior!"
--to iPods, to micro-butterlies...
--as a proper woman should.
Roman Polanski is smiling somewhere.
But all girls feel a crippling insecurity about their bodies.
.oO(Stupid Disney Princesses won't let me in their club...)
So it sends tiny chevrons into the bloodstream...
Was it illegal to say "estrogen" in the 1940s?
My Menstruation Barbie!
And like almonds, they can be roasted and served with chocolate.
You will receive the passcode to your ovaries at the conclusion of this seminar.
Except this one; it's a dud.
Ceci n'est pas une fallopian tube.
The uterus, right next door to Uranus.
Personal health films always manage to make your sexual organs sound as boring as possible. I'm sure this is intentional.
The whole thing looks kind of like a head-on view of an elephant.
But that's another film entirely.
The Ring Cycle!
You'd think Disney would have put in a talking rabbit or two here.
"And two hard-boiled eggs." *beep beep* "Make that three hard boiled eggs."
"You heard me, get cracking on those times tables!"
And delicious custard!
The uterus has its own upholstery?
Wow, it's a miracle anybody ever gets born with all this prep work involved.
Number twenty: The interior of the naughty bits.
It uses Mapquest to get directions.
Let's go to flow chart for this section...
...And never you mind how THAT happens, little missy!
Or it will just pass on through anyway, or get stuck in the fallopian tube, or...
That's right, you all started life feasting on your mother's blood. Sleep well!
We figure if we keep you in the dark about this whole "fertilization" thing, you'll never be curious about it, ever.
You have failed your duties as a female. FAILED!
If your period looks like vanilla pudding, you should see a doctor.
Or, colloquially, 'being on the God damn rag.'
Like labor pains, or dying.
Tell your ovaries to quit staring at me!
--fifteen minutes.
That part of the narration was borrowed from the boy's film.
Where's the lucky bitch who only has a three-day period? I want to smack her face.
But they're not.
That's right, it's your pituitary's fault you're fat.
"Help, I think they're planning to eat me!"
So take a daily laxative.
Walt Disney's Watchmen
I don't particularly like the Nancy Drew Sundial.
Wake me when it's half-past October, will ya?
And remember, your biological clock is ticking so you need to find yourself a husband, now!
Only commies allow themselves to get sick or unhappy.
--then it's time for a nine-month stay with your aunt in the country.
Oh, of course.
Since you have absolutely no social life, this should be very easy.
This must be rhythm method-only education.
--Our Bodies, Ourselves.
Love Always, Your Period.
Including instructions and diagrams for the more difficult positions.
However, it will inform you that if you touch yourself, you'll go blind and baby Jesus will cry.
--you filthy whore!
*Psycho violins*
No, mine are unionized.
Make sure the water is set exactly at 72.8 degrees Fahrenheit.
Lead a dull, unfulfilling life.
--Well, it makes a great excuse.
Is it really wise to reenact the ending of City of Angels at any time?
"Oh no, my neck vertebrae are pulverized!"
You are, after all, just a girl.
This was the only work Supergirl could get in the 1940s.
*falls over laughing*
A feeling of pressure=the sensation that your lower spine is being squeezed in a vice
This may be more severe for girls with encephalitis.
"No way, I'm gonna become a crazy cat lady and you can't stop me!"
Says who?
--Bloody Mary will come through the mirror and kill you.
This was an orientation film in Stepford, wasn't it?
But what if I normally have regular contact with Levites?
Stop that at once, you hussy!
Mr. and Mrs. Bobblehead
Along with a demonstration of the basic ballet positions.
Betty Boop Aerobics!
You'll never catch a man looking like that!
Walt Disney's "Posture Pals"
Atten-SHUN!
Missionary?
And we're back to the laxatives.
Rectum? I hardly know him! *rimshot*
Number thirty: the things flanking the naughty bits.
So will carrying around ten pounds of fetus and fluid--deal with it.
I hate my body; it's so high-maintenance.
And lots of good American beef and butter.
--are any of you still paying attention or are you drawing naughty pictures in the booklet?
But not too smart; men don't like that.
She's dusting herself with corn meal!
The Teletubby sun didn't age well.
"Hmm, 'The Position of Indrani'...that looks interesting..."
You'd think being sponsored by Kotex, they would have brought up maxi pads at least once.
It's just irritating and painful.
Some of us still haven't taken off our training wheels.
"Mommy shakes my little brother like this."
She forgot the groom!
ROAR!
.oO(I'll wait until she's busy with something else, then make with the screaming!)
Geez, what a backhanded compliment.


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Sunday, July 11, 2010

The BFG (1/10)

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OOOOOWAAAAHHWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH
DANGERMOUSE: THE MOVIE
a movie about a really large fire-arm
let's hope that he actually likes this one then
Brian could never work out why he came second for the Produced by credit despite the fact that it came first in the studios name
"It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents — except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness."
NO BOYS ALOWWED, NOT EVEN CROSSDRESSERS
"I'll just take a dump on the Santa entrance."
RULES
NO VIbES
NO bEVIS
NO bEVIS
NO VIbES
"I'm sorry Miss Offscreen."
"I just realised...I'M A CARTOON!"
ATTACK OF THE 5Oft DEATH EATER
Kilroy was here
The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come had made a terrible miscalculation of scale
a giant Vuvuzela
so the giant is in fact a made scientist
that face looks like it should be in a Monty Python cartoon
"I'm not here, honest."
Audience, will you please give a big hand to...
"Finders keepers."
"I regret nothing."
I don't remember there being anything about passing through the space/time vortex in the book
So giants come from Tattooine then
Giants obviously aren't aware of the concept of dental hygiene
"Whatever it is, it obviously likes to play hide and seek."
"That's called racism young lady."

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Egyptian Phantom of the Opera

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Um, the tissues are supposed to go inside your dress...
Is that acting or epilepsy?
"That's nice, miss, but this is the "At the Ballet" number from A Chorus Line..."
Their first mistake was hiring Katie Holmes to play Christine...
*truck backing up beeps*
o/...Like buy a fridge together...o/
"Back off, Giselle, this is MY solo!"
*winces*
Why does the boat have ram horns?
Well, he's instantly better vocally than Gerard Butler, give him that.
You don't have to sing all twelve tones in a single syllable, just pick one!
The Spastic Limb Treatment Center presents Phantom of the Opera
"I'm moving the gondola with my MIIIIIIIND!"
That's not Christine, it's Riley from The Guild!
Don't blink!
"Dammit, you knocked my contact out!"
"Well, he might be hideous, but with all that flailing around I can't tell..."
Your little zing?
"Feast your eyes, glut your soul on my eczema!"
"Now vipe my vindows!"
"Um, sorry, what were you saying?"
Gesundheit!
Unfortunately they got the performance rights for all the lyrics, but only half the music.
Golson gargle?
Wow, even from back here he's overacting...
They shouldn't have hired Ben Stein as their dialect coach.
"But I'm in my bathrobe!"
"And I have a bhangra number to rehearse!"
"That that that that that!"
When your parts sync up, let us know.
"That's just decadent Western propaganda!"
Featuring Jon Lovitz as Bollywood!Raoul.
"His acting!...Horror! Horror!..."
"...that could be called hideous; we really need a better makeup budget..."
The Phantom of the Opera will not be seen today. In its place, we present the dream ballet from Oklahoma!
"Whee!"
So that's what happened to Jennifer Gray's original nose.
Touchdown!
"Nice cooch!"
And a random rhythm gymnastics move for no reason.
Raoul's singing dubbed by Perry Como
Wait, is this another production done with cross-dressing women in the men's parts?
It's the Sayid/Nadia pas de deux from Lost: The Ballet!
"Look at my granny panties!"
Cirque du Soleil's Phantom
*vvvvvvroooom!*
Wonder Twin Powers ACTIVATE!
o/...Masquerade! We're lip syyynching toooo the caaast re-cor-ding!...o/
Wow, Marie Antoinette didn't have this big of a powdered wig budget!
Are they doing the Electric Slide?
Who needs choreography when you can wander around sort of in time the music?
They had to hire specialty dancers to do the complicated half-turn-around-the-other-guy maneuver.
The Sir Percy Blakeney Dance Troupe!
o/...Amadeus Amadeus, oh oh oh Amadeus!...o/
"To beehives!"
o/...Ring around the rosey...o/
Hair by Cake Wrecks.
"That's our one jump! Goodnight everybody!"
"Mom made me wear this shawl 'cause it's cold."
Teacher's trying to get their attention by flipping the light switch.
"So you didn't get the powdered wig memo, huh?"
"Which I have right he--oh, dammit!"
His mask is made out of fondant!
"Hand me my top hat!"
"And I have some criticisms about the kettle as well..."
Not Diors?
Why did the Phantom come to the masquerade dressed as a bellhop?
"Fine, Raoul, just let the insane guy in a mask walk away with me. I'll be okay, really..."
"--Dev Patel!"
"Oh crap, this was supposed to lower a lot faster..."
"Next year we'll just have a company picnic."
Hey, it's the opera's biggest fan!
(Don't hit!)
Ole!
Meanwhile, in Strictly Ballroom...
Gender segregated tango kind of loses something.
So You Think You Can Dance?: Egypt Edition
o/...We are the Threeeee Aaaaaaamigos...o/
Special thanks to Lupe Hernandez' "Salsa Dance for Beginners" class.
o/...If you're blue and you don't know where to go to...o/
Wow, I've never seen anyone march a tango before.
Nice upholstery fabric coats, though.
"Really? I didn't know it was going to be that easy."
"Psych! I'm bombing the Opera House now."
"Um, could you return my stereo first?"
"But I'm following you on Twitter!"
*Stanislavsky Moment*
"You guys suck! I'm taking my opera and going home!"
"I want to see other opera singers."
"We can no longer fool ourselves about our acting ability."
Ta-daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!


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Thursday, July 1, 2010

The Wizard of Oz--1910

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Wonder how they'll handle the prison rape scene.
...Wow, the really early movies didn't have sound OR images!
Baum created a lot of controversy with the "donkey show" chapter.
"Not again! Boys, help me get Henry out of that costume and give him his meds."
Hi, Meets. I'm Diva the Magnificent Riffer.
I've never had pantomime cow milk before, is it any good?
"Wow, you can move!"
"No, you're just getting a buzz from Aunt Em's 'special' crop."
"Thank you! Now I will teach the citizens of Gotham City the meaning of fear!"
A turnstile? Is there a subway station in the cornfield?
"Come on, you're needed to present opposing arguments on Fox News!"
"Hey, wanna see my Gene Kelly impression?"
I see a scarecrow, a girl, and a couple pantomime animals, but no turkey.
No, bad cow! Someone get the hose!
Misunderstood Euphemism Theater Presents A Roll in the Hay
Remember kids, a pile of grass out in an open field is the safest place in a tornado!
Oh no, the Blob!
Only at Lakeside Amusement Park!
So in Kansas, "cyclone" means "partially cloudy with a light breeze." Must be a regional thing.
This was filmed before editors were invented.
And so Dorothy and her friends were whisked away to Oz by a magical dust bunny...
Lousy cheap sets.
By an IED!
So, Oz=Leftover set from Tarzan
Knock it off, Fiyero!
Back then you could just film your family goofing around on Halloween and Hollywood would buy it.
"This sucks. I thought at least there'd be little people or a dead witch or something to greet us..."
Puck went a little overboard on Bottom.
The witch is from Kenya?
o/...We represent the LGBT, the LGBT, the LGBT...o/
The Siamese Twin Ballet, ladies and gentlemen!
They had the uniforms left over from Alice in Wonderland.
Maybe the Wizard would stand a chance against the Witch if he trained his army in martial arts instead.
Tchaikovsky's Public Domain Suite #3
What does that say? Something about doing the mambo with Omega?
Keeping it up there won't make it more legible.
You know, you can turn the camera off while setting up your next shot...
"I meant to do that!"
"Ha, I am Momba the Witch come to assert my power over you!"
"I know, I read the intertitle."
He shouldn't have hired the Keystone Kops for his royal guard.
What a poof.
"That wasn't me, it was the beans you had for lunch and you know it!"
"Darn, I was sure a random forward somersault would come in handy..."
"Hey, cool! When did the Wizard get a zip line installed?"
"Did anyone catch what she was shrieking about defying gravity?"
And has him bless the rains down in Africa.
Eww, the trees are checking out Dorothy's ass!
Knock that off, you pervs! She's only...um...
"Come on, I levitated up here, it's impressive!"
"Please, I'm not facing you and I can see the wires."
Just what Dorothy needed: more pantomime animals!
"Don't worry, Dorothy, I'll distract them with my impression of a Benny Hill sketch!"
"Okay, just ignore me then! If you fall asleep in a poppy field, don't come crying to me!"
If she had a few more people in animal costumes, she could start a theme park.
Damn, it's gotten even harder to read!
Remember, this big official proclimation which is posted everywhere in the realm is TOP SECRET!
"Let's try it. How hard can murdering one witch be, anyhow?"
o/...We're off to the next random scene,
the next random scene in this film!...o/
"Hey, at least buy me a drink first!"
Of course there are still people who deny the theory of grateful.
"Look, it's one of those living statue guys! I'm gonna kick him in the shin!"
"And here's his tip basket! Swipe it, hurry!"
The animals are arguing over who gets to mark the Tinman.
The Tin Codpiece is kind of freaking me out.
"Thank you so much! Now my ax will taste blood again!"
"Say, we're dancing around randomly pretending to act out a classic fantasy novel. Want to join in?"
So, this movie is basically strange characters in random dance sequences. It's like Glee without Jane Lynch.
Again! Step-kick-kick-leap-kick-touch, again!
I think a few pages of "The Pied Piper of Hamlin" got mixed into the script.
"Okay, enough goofing around, time to get down to business! You, run around in circles! You, point madly offstage like something interesting is happening! You, flail your arms a lot! Okay, go!"
o/...Let me entertain you, let me see you smile...o/
"Oh, we are going to ROCK the next season of Oz's Got Talent!"
o/...We're off to film more filler, more filler scenes with no sense!...o/
"....Shoot, I was hoping to get paired with the donkey."
Tonight the role of the Tin Man will be played by Oscar Wilde.
And the Sugar Plum Fairy!
WHOOPS, OUR MISTAKE, THIS IS BILL THE LIZARD FROM ALICE IN WONDERLAND. SORRY.
...
...
The house is staring at me....
"My enemies approach! Quick, summon the other flying mon--er, geck--whatever the Hell you are!"
They bought a fly rig, and dammit they're going to use it!
QUIT LOOKING AT ME! GAAAAAAH!!
The Tin Cosmo Kraemer!
So, their plan is to flail around randomly until the Witch submits?
"Who told you you could go around trying to kill folks, young missy! Come here, I'm gonna learn you some manners!"
*whistles* Okay, break it up, time out! Let's try to figure out what the plot is before filming the scene next time, okay?
BY...UM...LOOK, SHE JUST DID, OKAY?
The poor witch thought her giant egg cup would protect her.
"Oh no, I'm cross-fading! Cross-faaaadiiiiing..."
"Well, that was easy! She didn't even get a chance to lock our cages!"
Was it just me, or did anyone else see the chorus from Yeoman of the Guard run in and back out real fast?
"Can we leave the donkey here? Please?"
"Nope, still can't read it. It's like a pharmacist's scrawl."
AND GET TWO FOR ONE DRINKS AT THE OZDUST LADIES' NIGHT!
"Welcome to the Cathedral of a Child's Drawing of the Sun..."
"I'm sorry, miss, only service pantomime animals allowed inside."
Oh, just turn the handle! No need to make a big production of your job.
"Welcome to the backdr--er, Emerald City!"
Just because you can have extras in every scene doesn't mean you should.
"Remember to take off your shoes, remove your laptops from their cases and have all liquids in a ziploc baggie..."
"That's it, Earl, I'm gonna take that transfer to Cair Paravel."
The intertitles were run through Babelfish a few times.
"Okay, people, just like we rehearsed! o/...Throw up your hands, stick out your tush...o/"
He hired those guys cheap off Dr. Terwilliger.
"Welcome, welcome! I shake you warmly by the hand!"
Wait, let me see...oh, here it is, chapter 20: The Lion humped the Wizard's leg enthusiastically. Go figure.
"Okay, we give up: what the FUCK does this proclamation say?"
"Now, you are eighteen, right?"
"There's been some confusion about that..."
"Are you kidding? That crown would totally clash with my parasol!"
He's brainless, malleable, and easily to defeat in an argument. The perfect politician!
"My first act: death to the crows!"
"Now I can chase my real dream: Broadway!"
"Buh-bye! Sorry about running the country into the ground!"
"Wow, he can do a stop trick with the camera! He really IS a wizard!"
"Sorry, I forgot my wallet. I'm really off this time!"
And the Christ Lutheran Bible School cast of Noah's Ark takes up the rear.
He's the Gerald Ford of Oz!
Ray Bolger he's not. Not even Ray Romano.
He preens his plumage for several hours.
"Come on, work! What do I pay you ten cents a day for?"
"Union? I'm going to have to call in the Winkie Strike Busters!"
o/...We work hard, but who's complaining? Thanks to the ILG we're paying our way!...o/
This is why you don't hire Rockettes in your factories.
o/...That's how we stick it to the Man in the merry old land of Oz!...o/
"I'll show them! It's the fire hose when they come back!"
And Buffy and Cordelia.
"Anyone want a cast member from Watership Down?"
"I can't stop it, it's caught in the rigging offscreen! Goodbye, folks!"
"Oh no, that was my hashish stash! Waaaaait!"
And Toto and the Lion went to San Francisco where they were free to express their love...
"Don't worry, Dorothy, I'm sure the Wizard wouldn't leave without thinking of--oh dear..."
"Watch this, I'm gonna brain her with a sandbag..."
Is he mixing Cream of Wheat in his hat?
"We're off to Rohan! Bye!"
"Well, we had to justify the camel rental somehow..."
You know, I've always thought Oz needed more offensive racial caricatures.
"Let's dance! That always seemed to work before!"
And Dorothy was taken back home by...oh, let's say, Moe.


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