Thursday, October 27, 2011

Legend of the Titanic, Part 8

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The Titanic is sinking, but the rave goes on.
"Let's get out of here before we trigger someone's epilepsy!"
Well, nothing else in this movie has obeyed any realistic or logical expectations, so why should water?
"It's okay, I'm only here to help and to violate your schoolgirls!"
"They want to know if they should send word to your next-of-kin..."
Yes, I'm sure the dolphins have several spare lifeboats and an efficient means of staving off hypothermia handy...
"He's a nice demonic creature from the pits of your nightmares!"
What are they going to do, offer whale-watching tours for the survivors?
"Damn, all those human sacrifices are giving me constipation!"
"We are the souls of men who drowned at sea, after all, and your prospects aren't looking so hot..."
"I just did what any horrible monstrosity with a childlike mind would have done..."
What happened to his voice? Is he going through puberty?
Suuuure, blame the humans, everybody else does...
"Well, THAT was random."
Why did the entirely aquatic creature need to take a breath and hold it before...you know what, it's your universe, you make the rules up as you go along all you like.
Wow, good thing the dog secretes a powerful adhesive from its paws.
There would have been enough room for everybody on the lifeboats, but NOOOOOOO, the band had to hog one all to themselves!
Regretful? Pensive? Bored? WHAT?
"Now the slaughter can begin!"
"Captain Stubing is still on board!"
What about dying because of stupid naval custom? That's still on, right?
"No please, I'm not a pubescent Japanese girl!"
This is the weirdest Sea World show EVER!
...What are they kneeling on?
Rodenta obvious
"At least we shall die together, person I just met yesterday and have spoken less than ten lines of dialogue to..."
"The mice kind of freak me out, though."
"We should have waited until the water was a lot closeeeeeeeeeer...."
"Oh no, I suddenly forgot how to hold my breath!"
Baby Beluga has come to save them!
"We did absolutely nothing useful, but we did it!"
Maybe the mystical moon magic allows their clothes and hair to remain dry, too...
.oO(And I sunk her but good!)
"Mine! Mine! Mine!"
"Well, I guess we'd better decide who we're going to eat first..."
The Castaway Olympics!
And they promptly capsize the lifeboats and drown.
"Kiss me, you fool!"
A moment of silence for the token redshirts.
Well, at least something good came out of this tragedy.
Don't cry, he's in the Dungeon Dimensions now...
Elton John's not going to rewrite "Candle in the Wind" again, is he?
He died the way he always wanted to: wreaking crushing death with his hideous arms.
WHAT? Oh God dammit, I forgot this was a bowdlerized kid's movie!
"Yay, the survivors are here! Now the over-publicized inquest can begin!"
New Yorkers celebrate by throwing more trash into the harbor!
"Animated film of Titanic sinking spits on the memories of the dead! Extra! Extra!"
"Don't ask us what the sister's name is, we're pretty sure the writers never gave her one!"
"Sorry, nameless sister, but you're the least relevant character which makes you first on the menu."
"Okay, maybe there are one or two flaws in this plan..."
Good thing there was a notary public on the ship.
I...guess that counts for irony? I guess?
"Villains get written off in half-assed manner! Read all about it!"
"Also, full color pictures are suddenly commonplace in the early twentieth century!"
Wait, so a Gypsy and a woman who's probably Anglican are getting married in a Roman Catholic church? The ecumenical movement goes back much farther than I realized...
Just because we're on land doesn't mean we still can't use gratuitous CGI!
Whoops, looks like she mixed up the dress with the wedding cake...
The mice were forced to use the leper's window...
Did they sell off the pews to pay for the wedding, or what?
Oh hey, it's...that girl mouse we haven't seen since the first scene!
Father Santa Claus!
Wow, you could store small curios on that decolletage...
"I love you, Sarah."
"Stella."
"Look, you're an extraneous character, you should be thankful they gave you a name."
Seventies light rock of the early 20th century!
They're stoned! That explains everything.
"Hurry, we're almost late for the garter toss!"
"There's a sequel to this movie, and it's even stupider than this one!"
"I'll meet you round the back with the cash in ten minutes."
Cinderella sold that ride after the second kid so she could buy an SUV.
"A dog! We've never seen the like before!"
"The honeymoon just took a VERY interesting turn..."
"No, Smiley, no!....Well, there goes the security deposit on this thing."
"I fart in your general direction!"
"I should have warned you, we'll have an 'open' marriage..."
Why is he dressed like an alternative lifestyle gendarme?


Capped by TheDiva
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Thursday, October 20, 2011

Start & End Of The Greatest BBC Children's Video Ever! VHS

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That is until we release the NEXT greatest children's video ever.
Ah, VHS, how I have missed thee.
Hello. Anyone home?
And several YouTube users wonder what 'Video Recorder's Tracking control' means.
But since this is on YouTube, you've clearly ignored this.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!
.oO I really should stop doing this, it's not good for my groin.
His house used to belong to Wallace and Grommit.
"I meant to do that."
"Here's your daily cocaine supply Fireman Sam."
Man that title screen is tacky!
Sorry folks, you'll have to buy the video if you want tos see the whole episode.
This music is actually being sung in Pingu's native language.
How many of these 5 minute episode stop motion TV shows where there back then?
"You talk funny."
Hello again old friend.
"Somehow I survived that."
Impressive, but how does he get out again?
Remember this epiosde folks? It was on YouTube but not anymore.
Wait...that wasn't the song for this episode.
A title that's almost has hard to make a theme song around as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
So, is this the whole title sequence? Just kid wandering around and pointing out his wellies?
"I wish for some backgrounds for this title sequence."
Hey I remember this episode!
Including the teachers?
Yes William, we get it, you have wellies.
And now for the Master's favourite program.
Justin Bieber will be launched next week.
Finally, something on this tape I didn't watch as a kid.
Your singing is terrible, please stop.
When visiting Toyland be sure to indulge in a spot of fishing by Creator Credit Bridge.
And according to Alan Moore, Frankenstein's monster.
Thank you Noddy, your theme song is now stuck in my head.
Of course now this means we're going to have to listen to the song again as the end credits roll.
"Traitor!"
Noddy's car originated in the Herbie universe.
"...Jack the Ripper was waiting for his next victim."
"...there were the bodies of Health and Safety inspectors who had fallen down the dark dark stairs and broken their necks."
"I wonder if some space travellers will shoot their ship into my eye again."
I think I only ever saw one episode of this show.
So the entire premise of this show is based on the fact that this guy lived in a time before shaving was invented.
And I think this might be the episode I saw!
Why are nearly all of these episode I remember watching? Can't we have more then one that I havne't seen, please!
Sorry about the illegible credits folks, please enjoy the cute baby polar bear in the background.
Wait...you're NOT going to show us the title sequence. What a rip off!
And now to sit back and enjoy this wonderful music.
And why isn't this show on DVD yet (and the German one doesn't count!)?

Turbo Charged Thunderbirds - Martian Invasion (Part 2 of 2)

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And we're back...but why are you still watching?
Camera courtesy of Compensating for Something Enterprises
"Instead he'll be mad at me for not reporting it."
Well congratulations background music. You have somehow managed to make the arrival of a Thunderbird boring.
"Only really bland background music."
"And I'm talking about Turbocharged Thunderbirds here."
He's reading the viewing figures for this show.
"Drat, they drowned anyway."
"You don't need to use the radio Hood, I'm up here."
"Look folks, I know this show is terrible. Just please bear with us, it'll be over soon."
And why did we just have an establishing shot of Thunderbird 2 before cutting to inside Thunderbird 1?
"We must destroy any copy of Turbocharged Thunderbirds."
And I can't stand you.
Thunderbird 1 can travel at Mach 22.6, face it the Hood doesn't have a chance of getting away.
"SUCKERS!"
Please stop randomly cutting back to the tiresome twosome.
Well now that's over, here's a random explosion for your enjoyment.
Our heroes ladies and gentlemen.
Guy wise enough to have his name removed from the credits:
GERRY ANDERSON
Right there you can see where Gerry's name was.
But screw that music, what we've got is much better.
Pay attention folks, these are the people we have to blame for this.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Legend of the Titanic, Part 7

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"It is soaked in the blood of my enemies!"
No, please, no close-ups of it...
Look, YOU were on the sidelines cheering him, why didn't you say something before now?
"I get to slaughter innocents too? This day just keeps getting better and better!"
"Now go to your room and no more ice-throwing for a month!"
"Careful, lads, these waters are rumored to be the home of evil dog-octopus demons..."
So, that's your plan. Sink an entire cruise ship just to kill one guy, then make your escape on a minimally provisioned life raft while you hope none of the several people who can connect you to the crime make it out alive. I don't think you thought this out very well....
"Eh, it's not like we had sufficient lifeboats anyway. What's one more or less?"
"And try to get some video of it. We can go viral on YouTube with these morons!"
What exactly ARE those things, anyway? Every cartoon ship has them but I never quite knew what they were...
"Look, I can see into the dining room!...Ah shoot, they WOULD be serving the lobster tail tonight, wouldn't ya know?"
Special appearance by the opening credit music from The Final Sacrifice.
Now see, this is why you want to do routine maintenance on your cruise ship before a trans-continental voyage.
Of course, if they hadn't been aiming at the ONE ICEBERG IN THE OCEAN for the past ten minutes, this wouldn't have happened...
Ew, he's starting to melt!
They shouldn't have christened the rudder with a blood offering...
"The suspense is constipating me!"
Well, good job dolphins. Now instead of hitting the iceberg dead-on and minimizing the damage, the ship has taken a fatal blow along the side which will send most of its passengers to their icy deaths.
o/...Dear Liza, dear Liza...o/
Well, free snow cones for the passengers!
Oh no, not...um, that guy...
"Named characters and animals first!"
"Good thing we packed several days early and had our life vests already on!"
"Don't panic, there's room for you...oh, you all know that's a big lie, so go on, push and shove to survive!"
"Never mind, we don't want to be saved!"
Now is no time to do the Monty Python "Battle of Pearl Harbor" sketch!
And they get stepped on, the end.
"That earring makes you look like a pansy!"
"Gee, thanks, I wouldn't have been able to figure that out without your help..."
Oh, just have everybody stand on the other side of the ship to balance it out; it'll be fine...
o/...Walk like a ship captain...o/
"Except the men and most of the steerage passengers, there's room for everyone!"
"And I'm REALLY fucking stoned right now!"
"Very well, sir, I'll send an SOS to the world."
"Not even my impenetrable brogue can help!"
"Only Aquaman can save us!"
"Who knew that destroying our only means of communication would be the doom of us?"
"It's not our fault! The talking dolphins made us do it!"
Anyone catch any of that? I think his brogue just broke.
Isn't drowning in the middle of the north Atlantic punishment enough? It's not like a good flogging will make their situation much worse...
"And the plot of Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End is convoluted enough as it is!"
"I give up, all these backgrounds look the same. It's like an old Doctor Who episode down here..."
"Everyone knows when there's a maritime emergency, you turn to the ship's cook!"
Just because it's a disaster doesn't mean it can't be fun!
"I threw up in my mouth a little!"
Next on Wipeout...
"No, I'm going to die on an hors d'oeuvres platter, the way I always wanted!"
They don't have a very good IT team on this ship...
Yeah, there's a lot of people with that problem these days...
"You mean a CQD?"
"Don't confuse the audience, Jones; anyone watching the talking dolphin movie isn't going to know jack about distress code history..."
The wires are getting shorter just to spite them now...
"I know we're in a hurry, but I can't work the telegraph without listening to some Lady Gaga..."
Mice conduct electricity? I suppose after you've sold people on magic tear-talking dolphins, evil ex-convict sharks, and horrible dog-octopus demons, anything is possible...
"Hmm, the telegraph seems extra squeaky today..."
"Don't worry, Camembert, we'll have a full buffet at your service just like you would have wanted..."
"Wherefore are thou Camembert?"
Hey, West Side Story!
...Cause, they're sharks, you see, and...oh, come on, you try coming up with better jokes after this movie broke your brain!
Tentacles was kind of a bust, why don't you try calling on Shub-Niggurath instead?
No, you can stay there in the all-concealing shadows for the rest of the movie; don't move on our account, please...
Even sharks know not to antagonize a cephalopod with 'roid rage.
Maybe if his head wasn't so freakishly malformed, he could swim instead of running on the ocean floor...
"And believe me, the view of you from this angle is NOT pretty!"
"Thanks, buddy. I'll make your favorite sacrifice when this is over!"
"Fine, we'll just swim back in ten minutes!"
"My hat doubles as a distress flare!"
Oh, NOW we're worried about exposing the secret society of mice to the world, are we?
Oh yeah, like the men in this movie have been any better. This is the first film I've seen where the entire cast is The Load.
"Don't worry, people, we have some deck chairs you can rearrange while you're waiting!"
Okay, the water's deliberately chasing them now...
"But I'm far to British to ever show it, pip-pip and wot!"
"Good thing the water isn't actually soaking into our clothing..."
[Ahnuld voice] GET TO DAH LIFEBOATS! [/Ahnuld voice]
So wait, the Duke can understand the mice, too?...You know what, any explanation would just make the movie longer so I'm going to let it slide.
"If you'd told me we were going to be drowning people I'd never have agreed to sink a ship!"
"There should be a light rail station somewhere around here..."
"Screw this women and children crap, I'm outta here!"
"Help me, I'm looking for the Mad Men set!"
"Summon the Dark One!"
He looks like an ottoman with a tumor on top.
Gaaah, cutsey angry face!
*screams, ducks*


Capped by TheDiva
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