Saturday, April 30, 2011

The BFG (6/10)

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"We can't be lost, we have GPS."
Why does everyone in this universe leave their windows open?
"I'm past my sell by date."
Like in Spaceballs the dream of the movie has already been released before they'd finished shooting it
"DON'T LET THEM MAKE A FILM OF THE WITCHES!"
Sophie was never very good at hide and seek

Thumbelina, Part 9

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"That's your mom? Bitch stepped on my favorite cousin!"
William and Kate did it better.
Isn't this where pets are supposed to go when they die?
Half an hour into the honeymoon, he gets lost in a swamp and she's engaged to a possum...
*CRASH!*
"Buh-bye, stay shallow, pretty, and annoying!"
"We did it! Now off to haunt more nightmares!"
Unfortunately, he still can't get married in most states.
Why is she wearing a candy wrapper on her head?
Poor dopes think "honeymoon" means they actually have to visit the moon.
"--they ripped off Beauty and the Beast ever after!"
No, Thumbelina's still reading tha-
*squish*
So, whatever happened to that hootchie-mama toad, anyway? Did she ever get that gig in Branson?
The film looked in the Ark!
In order to help you leave the theater faster, here's the most annoying song in the show!
I'm not sure if this is just a blurry copy, or of the crew is just trying to protect its identity.
Eggman! He came out of the chicken coop to do battle with THE AMAZING RANDO!
Character aviators? What?
So, what was up with Hans Christian Andersen's characters not doing anything, anyway? The Ugly Duckling, The Steadfast Tin Soldier, the Little Match Girl, this chick...it's like a buffet of passivity!
Then again, we are talking about a guy who spent most of his life in a state of severe sexual repression...
Doesn't the guy on the bottom left need to get back to The Secret of NIMH?
Coat Check Co-Ordinator?
Awesome Carpet Questions?
Ink & Pants Chairoscuro Contacts...oh, I give up.
Where are the underpaid Koreans? It seems to me you can't make an animated movie of this, ah, caliber without underpaid Koreans...
Oh yeah, there was a bear in this movie for like, thirty seconds, wasn't there?
Yuk Yum? There's a confusing name for you.
And now, please welcome the End Credits Pop Ballad, complete with Mid-Ninties Electric Keyboard Opening!
"This is another fine mess you've gotten us into, Stanley."
Kangaroo Checkers? That sounds like a fun game!
*sigh* You're going to give every damn character with a speaking role a cameo in the credits, aren't you?
I'm dreaming of the ending of this movie...
Hey, the underpaid Koreans! And fittingly, a couple of them are named "Dang"!
Wait...you already did the cast! No fair, you can't repeat credits!
Taco was involved in this movie? I suppose we should be thankful we didn't hear Gilbert Gottfried singing "Puttin' on the Ritz."
Irish Film Orchestrations: Because you'll need a lot of whiskey to get through this score.
Let's see, there's the Electric Guitar Riff, we already had the Slow Cymbal Roll, the Soulful Duet, and the Soothing Synthesizer Chords...Hey, I got End Credit Song Bingo!
Skywalker Sound? Come to think of it, this movie could have benefited from a few lightsaber noises...
Sounds like someone put Aretha Franklin and Tina Turner in a gene splicing machine.
I can't read what that says, but I'm going to be charitable and assume it's an apology.
"Hi everyone, Hero the Dog here. I just wanted to say that I'm aware this entire movie could have been avoided if I hadn't been such a useless guard dog, and I humbly apologize for the pain you had to go through."
Did they do the part about not being able to rebroadcast without permission of the Major League Baseball Association?
She's shitting credits!
What, is Ferris going to come out now?


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Saturday, April 23, 2011

The BFG (5/10)

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And suddenly they're both burnt to death
"That tinkling sound means that this dream is about going to the toilet."
"You don't even understand endings, though that would explain Evangelion and the Prisoner."
Good thing the kid left his wondow open
"Woops, accidentaly blew in the 'Go to school naked' dream."
"Oh great, now I'm dead."
How are they able to see this kid's dream?
I think the kid just bonked his head and the circle of birds wasn't available
"Oh no, I's is terrified of clowns."
Giant Kilroy was 'ere
"Wanna watch another child die Sophie?"
Of course we were clearly in England just now as well
"Because if you do she'll have you executed."
"Can I call her a b*tch?"
Well I think introducing her to the BFG would convince her.
The BFG: mad scientist

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

The King and I, Part 9

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"Um, my eyes are up HERE..."
Wait, when did he convert to Christianity?
"Not to you, though, since you're a stinking heathen polygamist..."
Well, that's par for the course for this movie.
Lemme check....yep, there in the corner, you can see the last little bit of her self-respect flying out the window.
"In my pants!"
"Shoo, you bother me."
"Like it? I had to evict the Banks family and their prissy nanny, but it was worth it..."
"You have adequately fulfilled my minimum expectations, you wonderful man!"
"What with the whole whipping servants to death and all..."
"Plus we still need to reference the iconic image of this musical."
"A queen, on the other hand..."
"Which reminds me, do you know where Sir Edward is?"
"Come on, we've got nothing left to do for the rest of the movie!"
"Do you have any beer barrels?"
Cover yourself, woman! Have you no shame?
No, no, not like that, you look like you're marking territory!
"That's right, pretend you're crushing the spirits of the oppressed masses!"
Please, please say goodnight and mean goodbye right now.
Is she hallucinating again?
o/...And wearing each other's underweeeear...o/
"I was thinking more unresolved sexual tension, but that doesn't scan with the lyrics."
Yes, you shall. Get on with it!
He dances like a six-year-old at a wedding.
Dancing With the Pacific Rim Monarchs
"To the dungeon!"
"We should have done this earlier in the movie!"
Okay, it's WAY too late to be building up romantic tension for these two...
"Ooooh, your scepter is so big..."
Okay, you just rotoscoped Yul Brynner and Deborah Kerr, admit it!
"Careful, don't slip on the Dutch tilt!"
Do you suppose they rent out this room for bar mitzvahs?
The camera's hoping to sneak away while they're distracted.
The King loved dancing so much, he had a disco ball installed in the royal pavilion!
And they all lived inaccurately ever after.
What are you waiting for, an invitation? Cut to black, already!
Couldn't you have got them a nice park bench, or one of those bricks at DisneyWorld?
I always wonder what these "special thanks" people did that was so special. Late night beer runs? Pet sitting? Sexual favors?
Oooh, bad use of the family fortune, Richie.
Bakalian? Isn't that that Middle Eastern dessert with the flaky layers?
The one part of this movie that did not completely suck balls, ladies and gentlemen.
Gary Barber of Fleet Street
Wait...is this Streisand? Haven't we suffered enough?
Completely Ripped Apart and Desecrated by
ARTHUR RANKIN
Oh great, TWO Babses. That's an extra level of Hell right there.
Guy Who Watched Everyone Else Do the Hard Work
JAMES D. KOFORD
Please, please, please don't put out a contract on us.
Well, at least they gave Richardson a voice double, which makes them smarter than Joel Schumacher.
Darrell Hammond now tops the Asian American Association's most wanted list.
o/...This is the Armi Arabe...o/
Mark's brother Mike got teased a lot in school.
At least half of the "Is forbidden!" lines were pure Brian Nissen.
Wow, a LOT of hard work went into dragging the score through the mud.
OR YOU COULD JUST GET THE ORIGINAL CAST RECORDING. THAT WOULD BE A BETTER PURCHASE. I MEAN BE FAIR, GERTRUDE LAWRENCE...
What's the point of putting pop single recordings at the end of kids' movies, anyway? Nobody ever listens to them; they're too busy hauling the little rugrats to the theater bathroom...
And whose idea was it to list every single friggin' song in the credits, anyway? You've already told us who wrote the music and the names of the people who sang it...
Oh, she's singing about John Madden.
"Character Design"? Don't you mean "Characters Copied from the 1956 Movie By"?
Heh heh, these guys, what a bunch of characters, the life of the party...
"Canuck Creations"? South Park was right, we should blame Canada!
Studio Clean-Up: SCRUFFY THE JANITOR
Now these guys, they don't put themselves forward much, they just kind of hang around...
Oddly enough. Young Kyu Rhim is the oldest member of his family.
I tried to call Hanho, but they kept disconnecting me.
And now, the Underpaid Korean Animators! Give them all a big round of applause!
And these are the guys who are kind of transitioning from job to job right now....
Let's see, I'll have the Yee Hyun Suk with Seo You Mi sauce...
o/...Sung Song blue, everybody knows one...o/
It's a nice day, why not take the kids to Mi Hee Park?
When in Kowloon, visit COLORLAND!
Mi Jung, Nam Hee, and...Susanna?
Poor Bijay couldn't understand why his new American friends kept teasing him...
Hey, underpaid Indian artists! Good to know all the outsourcing bases were covered on this film.
If they gave the last names of the Indian artists, the credits would be twice as long.
And now China? How many countries donated man-hours to this turkey turd?
Elektra Shock: "Surprise Dad, your daughter has the hots for you!"
Ajish and Kumar Went to Animation School
These are the Hindi equivalents of "Alan Smithee."
Finally, the crescendo of the music, that means the credits are almost over!
It's too costly to buy my film every day, I just bring mine from home.
Dancers? You're telling me the strippers for the wrap party get a production credit too?
Ah, Chris. I'm familiar with his airport.
Visit our website! Of course now, the address will just re-route you back to the Warner Brothers main page, but hey, you'll see the trailer for the new Harry Potter DVD, which si bound to be more entertaining than what you just witnessed...


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Friday, April 15, 2011

The King and I, Part 8

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Chekhov's Gun engaged!
Oh, that must be from one of Siam's many volcanoes...
Yeah, unless Joe Don Baker goes after you.
"I LOVE the old suspension bridge cliche!"
"If the bridge is stable enough for me, surely it will hold an elephant!"
Movie OSHA demanded those ropes be frayed and about to snap.
One of the King's lesser known innovations--the themed water park!
The famous Orange Crush River of Siam.
Wait, so they just put up a death trap in the middle of nowhere? What, were they expecting Indiana Jones to drop by one day?
"It's only a bunch of rotten planks and decayed rope held up by a couple elephants, what could go wrong?"
Heh, the old holographic plank trick. Gets 'em every time.
"Somehow I always knew this was how I'd die--drowning in Tang."
Okay, who is he talking to?
"We're coming! Try to tread lava!"
"I knew putting in the random elephant thingie would come in handy one day!"
Somehow, I doubt cat power is the wave of the future...
"Hey, this is actually kind of fun!"
How can he see all that through a telescope? Is it a mini version of Evil Dude's gong?
Next on Jackass...
Roger Ebert was right: good movies rarely contain a hot air balloon.
"Your shirtlessness is not yet awesome enough for this task, my son."
"I've got it! Stare at a gong, rub my temples and overact embarrassingly!"
"I am SO leaving a hairball next to his bed tomorrow..."
"Oh yeah, you Siamese minx, take it all...um, I mean, no sign of them!"
I think the ink and paint guy was a Broncos fan.
"Wow, look at all that Gatorade..."
The Shrine of the Vomiting Elephant!
Why didn't they get the monkey to do this?
"Damn your breasts are firm, girl, no wonder my son's into you..."
"Good. Now Rama will prepare for us a pleasant brunch..."
"Why didn't someone tell me he had one of those..those...things?"
Hey, that voids the warranty, you know!
Unfortunately.
"God dammit, the monkey survived!"
"Gotta go, gotta go, please don't let there be a line..."
"I'm pretending I'm still actively involved in this plot!"
"Wait, this isn't right! Let me check the map by the food court..."
Eh, not like you could get through it with those hoopskirts anyway.
"Oh, I love the Fourth of July! Makes me feel like a little kid again!"
"I can't stop, I've forgotten how itAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!"
Oh, the inanity!
"The impact will still shatter every bone in your body, but there you go..."
"Crap, I forgot the Prince used to be a cliff diver at Casa Bonita!"
"Eh, I hate getting wet anyway."
Shouldn't have tried to fly through "Fantasmic!"
"Now to write naughty words with my sparkler!"
Well, so much for the sinister, dignified villain.
"See, he was already on fire when I shot him..."
Tragedy strikes the Albuquerque International Balloon Fiesta.
"Is he okay? Is there any way I can be totally useless?"
THIS is why we're not allowed to have the parachute in gym class anymore.
*snort* "Five more minutes, mom..."
Simba he ain't.
"Well, on the plus side he won't make me pedal the balloon anymore..."
Can we just skip to the point where he wakes up? Cause come on, if you didn't keep the sex slaves or the drowned lover you sure as hell aren't keeping the original ending...
"Don't worry, dear, I'm sure Angelina Jolie would love to adopt you..."
Aaaaand...his eyes open....nnnnow!
Oh get on with it!
"Damn, I thought I was done with this movie!"
If you're the Rodgers and Hammerstein Organization, the time was seventy-five minutes ago.
"Thank goodness for the G rating!"
Unfortunately, the balloon had been taken over by Armus...
"What a stupid name. I should have never let your mother insist on it."
"First, order me a better pillow--this thing's KILLING my lower back!"
What, they didn't know he was heir to the throne?
"Oh, are we still doing that running gag? Sorry."
"Well, my regal robes would be made of satin, not cotton, not chintz."
"I will distribute e-readers to the community!"
"The press will still be strictly controlled by the government, of course...we don't want people getting too many ideas."
"Instead, everyone will hop on one leg while saying, 'Boingy-boingy, your majesty!"
Great, it's spreading.
"Good. You will be my army of the night."
"And I choose Neil Patrick Harris!"
"Hey, that's MY scarf!"
"Of course I'm angry! Get the belt."
"Someday you too will have a giant egg roll for a headrest."
"You fuckin' dropped me in the water! I still can't believe you did that! I could have drowned!"
"Oh, who cares, as long as I get my Fancy Feast."
Dancing With the Royal Family
"Preferably hot crab artichoke dip--it's my favorite!"
Well, what do you expect after generations of inbreeding, anyway?
"Okay, forget it, we're going back to the kowtowing. AND you have to kiss my feet when you do it."
Wait, wait...so if you play kissyface with the prince, you get whipped to death, but treason and attempted regicide just gets you assigned to elephant dung detail? That's not barbaric, that's just bad priorities.
"Lots of free fertilizer!"
Well, at least THIS gag's almost over...
And he dies a slow painful death of malnutrition and starvation. So there's an upside to all this.
Oh that's nice--kid's movies need more poop jokes.
"Dammit, why is the movie still running? We've run out of things to do!"
o/....And it isn't mine at all!...o/
"Seriously, what do I gotta DO to get under those voluminous skirts of yours, anyway?"
"Actually, it's a very common name where I come from."


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