Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Titanic: The Animated Movie (Part 3)

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This ship has had the HELL established out of it!
"Candygram."
Matthew Broderick and Nathan Lane in Some Like It Hot!
"You know, someone prettier and therefore better than you."
"We barely know you and one of my daughters is practically nude, but come on in!"
"Phew, I almost had to talk to ugly people for a moment there!"
"Let me flip through the Gideon Bible here for a moment and I'll tell you."
"At least I assume she is from the thirty seconds we spent together."
Oh, really?
"How many people can an ocean liner hold, anyway?"
Going?
"You're hornier than a field full of bulls."
"You're lucky he didn't start sniffing your underwear."
"So shut your weirdly deformed trap already!"
"That curls my sideburns!"
"I've ordered a kit from Hobby Lobby and everything!"
"Or a few hours, give or take."
I'm starting to question the wisdom of the "women and children first" philosophy.
"You are Mother Goose, right?"
"Well, she's on Facebook..."
"I just want to shag her senseless, what's wrong with that?"
Yum, slightly dirty water!
"My breasts couldn't be more ladylike!"
Don Bluth's "The Continental."
"A back for your dress!"
Officer Killjoy disapproves.
It's a little known fact that the recipient of the world's first boob job was on the Titanic.
Shom-pag-nuh?
"Yyyep, I'm da man."
With Harry Blackstone Jr. on piano!
o/...IT'S PARTY TIME, IT'S PARTY TIME...o/
She's a zombie! RUN!!
"Even though you can hear her out here."
"Mr. Goodbar."
MWA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Wow, I never thought I'd be nostalgic for Celine Dion...
"I'm from Narnia."
"Except maybe in a game of Trivial Pursuit..."
"Well, that and winning second place in the slot machine tournament."
Cleopatra thinks that eyeliner is a bit much.
"You caught me cause you want me, one day you'll let me go."
"Miss Jackson if you're nasty."
"I'll catch the garter for you!"
"Help me, I've been flying for three days straight!"
Hey, the ship has a hammock!
"No last name, like Prince or Madonna."
Quite easily, actually.
Whose dress is that? Is she hiding a thinner woman under her skirt?
"I'm going to be playing shuffleboard on the Lido deck."
"Not like I could wear anything designed to fit their grotesquely deformed bodies anyway..."
She's not so much sweet as diabetic.
"Some guy dropped a chandelier in the middle of the performance, it was really weird..."
"I was octagonal in my younger days..."
So her fairy godmother is a short, dumpy widow?
Beer nuts and whore tents?
"They are blindingly stupid, after all."
"Someone order a call girl?"
"Call me Snooty McSnideface."
"So I figured barging onto the bridge was the next logical step."
"It looks absolutely nothing like the Coeur de la Mer from that other Titanic movie, really."
"I'm the vaguely pretty one."
He makes that sound so sinister...
It's going to turn out she's Ursula in disguise, right?
"It's a trite enough plot twist."
"There's an engraving on the back that says 'property of a sweet girl who's kind to animals'..."
Someone's going to get an eye put out...and you know, I'm okay with that.
"Here, let me help you impale yourself."
"So I castrated myself for nothing, thanks."
*insert Also sprach Zarathustra here*
"Why am I doing this? I'm a mouse; I should be nibbling on people's snack stashes and spreading disease!"
Cirque du Soleil's "Tom and Jerry"
"This will work if we ignore the laws of physics."
So, seagull ass and mouse batch. Thanks, movie.
Wow, that is one top-heavy chair; I'm amazed it can stand upright...
The cat has jaundice!
"We're not looking for a lock, we're looking for a locket!"
"Damn, NOW you tell me!"
Azrael put on a lot of weight.
"There's a crystal goblet of Fancy Feast with my name on it!"
So, they brought two changes of clothes for the entire voyage...
He makes Snooch look svelte.
But they did remember a nice collection of trench coats, so that's something.
"A human, EEK!"
Because she's fat, get it?
o/...The Loooooove Boat...o/
Does Disney know they took a non-union gig?
"It's unusually pleasant, actually."
Dammit, this movie needs to set out some glue traps or something...
Iago could so beat the shit out of this guy.
An Ehrlich? Max or Paul?
"And I can't stand the sound of your voice."
Nothing says a dramatic heist like bongo music!
Is that the only song she knows?
"If I can't see her, she can't see me!"
"Hey, who turned out the lights?
Why is she keeping the locket in a snuf box?
"I'll just put this in my change purse..."
"Someday you'll return the favor..."
"Don't make me come over there!"
He makes a convincing argument.
Tommy Smothers is in the air vent!
"To steal is evil, and I want to be good!"
"And why do I have teeth?"
"It's got fleas and avian flu on it now, but here you go..."
And a little Bubonic plague for good measure!
She probably doesn't wash her hands after using the restroom either...




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Friday, October 16, 2009

Morning Musume - Kanashimi Twilight

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Human Instrumentality Continues
However, due to time constraints...
You can't beat the fit of a PVC blouse.
"YOU WANNA SEE UP MY SKIRT?!"
Who was in charge of the Pepto color scheme?
A zucchini sunset o'er Eden
You heard me: Eat that cumin leavened in air
Gecko went, "Coochie-coo, get more!"
That guy who covers Ood in tallow
It's a mole!
Come on man, Thayer's the sh*t; good day!
Ben wa? My toucan? Man, douchy.
Kick a tooth, get dumb and go and use a sheep
Guitar!
Oh take me! Not there. Not there. Sh*t, it's genetic?
Go back there, back there -- Ooh, super curry!
You'll need white cake or lying Sheens to meet the yob
Go get an anchor, an anchor, or soap from Goa
To keep your, keep your cheek out of doorbells
A book of crap, its name is Twilight
When in Japan, ride the Freudian pink tube.
Co-E.D. ocho to eat here
So let that coed tumble she next to me
In book of love, Coco's the tan dude
And I make that journey on your camel
What the f*ck!
Was your momma eating the loony?
Mocha ain't the key to collating
I'll suck your knee, Matt. Ooh, she-cat! Like her alchemy?
Nein!
White tushy manga marker, you made me better
Come on, come on, cut novels at bedtime
At your Islamic temple, Eid, then get married
You've got to keep those, keep those combos Naruto
The same, the same, but why can't I date him?
God that sh*t keeps going, those Twilights
"Hello? Can we get out now? We're wearing stilettos."
B-52s hair?
Why does she nag her, nag her? You made me taters
Nanka! Nanka! Normal set haters
Are you my long left demo? He begets nahin
He took a key to Quito: Domino Ludo
To tame the, tame the wild pair of tay-tays
Burn that sh*t. Quit talking those...
... Twilights
Paper!
Rock!
Six hours later...
A graphic reminder that biker gloves are about as "hardcore" as tattoos these days.
"Are... are we done? Is it over?"




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Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Jungle Girl: Chapter One, Death by VooDoo

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Hey Edgar, if you're just phoning it in these days, could you add some more tits? Thanks.
Starring
NOT ENTIRELY JOAN CRAWFORD
Starring
PUFF McMANMUSCLE
Starring
GOMER PYLE
And Featuring
DICK COCKY and WET STAINES
With
ONIONHEAD KLINGER and the BLACKFACE KID
A
DAVID DUKE
Production
Next Exit
GAS
FOOD
LODGING
Scene 3½
"Then how do we know about them?"
"Better schools," if you know what I mean. Posh assholes.
"An invisible plane!"
WE - MUST - STOP - WONDER - WOMAN - AT - ALL - COSTS
Speak of the devil...
Not so much scenes as notions.
Tag out.
"...monkey screwing little sh*t."
Marooned in the jungle with nothing but her wits and a book of Marks & Spencer dress patterns...
"In that python."
Shouldn't it have passed over by now?
Relax, they're just having a tailgate party.
Hands above your waist while running, that's a good girl.
JUNGLE GIRL!
"Jennifer Connelly too."
"Mom said it might get cold."
*thunk*

"Ow!"
It's been three seconds.
"If you know what I mean."
This'll be easy to smooth over.
Eventually...
Days later...
It makes you wonder why he didn't think of that.
Clearly, this is not southern California...
"How did you get here?"
"I think I know what you mean..."
Scene 17¼
Scene 17.999999999...
"If you know what I mean."

"That's my line!"
"If you... *cough*... know what I mean...."
"Well, besides that fiver..."
"Exposed her to fresh air, sunshine, and regular physical activity!"
Why is there a giant ear behind him?
Ice cream!
Well, he's secured TARP funds.
"Give up? A Hypocritical Oaf. Get it? Oh, I've got thousands of them."
"You just go start the plane..."
"Classic sitcom rules. Good."
"Stanton's not the sharpest pecker in the wood, if you... well, you know."
"Condoms..."
He should get some spackle for that wall back there too.
*click*
"You there! Are you chosen from the bravest men of the tribe?"

"No."

"See? Lying guards."
"Step through this awkward edit and I'll show you."
Did you get all that? It might be important later in the episode. Does anyone need a pencil?
"That should be enough white rice."
Anything?
"That shouldn't cause a problem."
PUSH IN
PUSH IN
PUSH IN
PUSH IN
PUSH IN
PUSH IN
PUSH IN
PUSH IN
PUSH IN
PUSH IN
PUSH IN
PUSH IN
PUSH IN
PUSH IN
PUSH IN
PUSH IN
PUSH IN
PUSH IN
Of course he does. You're playing him too, aren't you?
"...foxtrot."
"...freely exploitable workforce!"
Edited by a cokehead with his own used razor blades.
( JUNGLE GIRL! )
She'd probably laugh at the notion of a villain named "Bradley."
"Mercury is in retrograde!"
For what?
Even gunning people down he's got that hangdog "just finished masturbating" look.
(An even sillier sounding name than "Bradley.")
"What? Hey, that's brilliant!"
"I'll use my milkshake to bring them to the-"

"Don't put that in my head."
=0_0=
Man, the original Fitzcarraldo sucked.
JUNGLE GIRL!
At this point we're editing just to make it end sooner.
"Who?"
"What?"
"How?"
"Where?"
"Why?"
"Who cares?"
"Beat it!"
♬ ...you believe in life after love... ♬
They might as well be hiding behind a rack of postcards.
Their bow and arrows must have all jammed.
.oO(My friggin' hero)
ANTICIPATE
FOLLOW THROUGH
If you liked the daring stunts in 'West Side Story'...
"She should be cooked through."
"Well, I was burned to death, but..."
"What? What were you f*cknuts DOING out here!?!"
"To get knackered."
That we... saw.
(What spear?)Oo.
*BAMF*

"I'm here now!"
Chirpa? The chief of the ewoks?
Ooh. Awkward.
"Prepare to be nimble!"
"How fascinating."
"My nuts!"
NEXT WEEK
Chapter Two
A NIGHT ON SPLASH MOUNTAIN




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