Thursday, January 20, 2011

Girls Beware

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It's Sid Davis and His Swingin' Band!
Boys are icky!
I know what you're thinking, men, but don't get your hopes up: there's no evil lesbians seducing innocent young girls in this film. Sorry.
Part of Inglewood City in the county of Ingle--look, will you just make with the scare tactics, already?
Norma Neufner, Policewoman! This fall on USA!
She doesn't get a badge or uniform or anything; those are for the real cops.
Since this is the 1950s, my duties are limited to answering the phone, getting coffee, and being available for quickies at the department Christmas party.
"We'll get to your daughter in a second, but first: how many tickets will you be purchasing for the Policeman's Ball this year?"
"My business card collection is now complete!"
Maybe she should socialize with people other than her parents.
Her ad read: Young, gullible teen available for rape and possible murder and body dump. References available on request.
She's dressed like an Italian restaurant!
Patty Duke in The Lovely Bones!
"Let's see...yes, I do believe I'd be able to fit in a crawl space that size..."
The vibraphone really heightens the sense of impending danger in this scene.
Hey, that's the same bowtie-wearing serial killer from "Boys Beware"! Dude sure gets around!
Dear Mom, getting dismembered, Suzie can have my radio and best sweater. Love, Judy.
That's a lovely mothball bracelet she has on.
The darker and edgier sequel to "Dial Comes to Town."
NO ONE will be seated during the thrilling phone dialing scene!
"Ahoy-hoy?"
"Wait, let me check--honey, what's the name of the girl on the sacrificial altar?"
"It's been three weeks; I'm starting to think something might be wrong..."
"Either this phone is dead or my watch has stopped."
Wow, that is the Mount Kilimanjaro of widow's peaks she's got right there.
"Okay, back to my article on Mamie Eisenhower..."
ARE YOU MY MUMMY ARE YOU MY MUMMY ARE YOU MY MUMMY ARE YOU MY MUMMY ARE YOU MY MUMMY ARE YOU MY MUMMY ARE YOU MY MUMMY
So she was found in a CSI opening scene?
I can never decide what dress to wear...
"Your daughter is no more! She has ceased to be! She has expired and gone to meet her maker! She's a stiff! Bereft of life, she rests in peace. If we hadn't found her abandoned by the highway, she'd be pushing up the daisies!"
"I'm very sorry, but this is why God doesn't want women working outside the home..."
"It's all my fault! I let her take that Red Cross babysitting course!"
I don't think anyone under the age of fifty who wears their hair like that is capable of good judgment.
"Candygram."
"Can I borrow a cup of rape?"
"Well, I'm sure you're a nice person and all, but you look a little too ethnic to be trusted..."
"Yes, Suzie Jenkins down the street would be dumb enough to fall for this trick--and you didn't hear it from me, but chances are the tramp won't scream too much when you mount her..."
"Crap, those robots in the front row are back..."
They look so bored and joyless; must be watching a Tim Allen movie.
They're both lost in their own private Tab Hunter fantasies.
Back before cell phones, jerks were forced to annoy fellow moviegoers by speaking directly to them.
Especially when all of you get tossed out for disruptive conduct.
"Hey, down in front!"
"Find sexual assault victims on your own time!"
"Why sure, I love tossed salad! I believe eating greens is very important..."
That popcorn cost them seven bucks.
"Come on, Liz, I want to meet this guy Sanchez he keeps talking about!"
Hayley Mills will just have to get violated another day.
"We'd better go inside, there's only five more trailers before the feature starts..."
"What happened to Janet Leigh? I stepped out for a bit..."
"I'm sure we can share a victim, right Bobby?"
"Go on, lie and endanger me! If you're my best friend you'll do it!"
They hired a movie theater full of extras, and dammit EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM is getting camera time!
"Great! Now we can go to that place where they pack fudge!"
The poor girl didn't head the Rock Guitar of Doom on the soundtrack.
Well, you know what they say about men and directions...
The Plan Nine From Outer Space dirt road is a major makeout spot in these parts.
"I don't understand, how are we going to get a sandwich all the way out here?"
No, not kissing! I bet they use tongue and everything!
Why do the parents always wait until midnight exactly to call the cops? Is there tax reasons?
Good thing she sleeps with the phone beside her.
It's the 1950s version of Spring Awakening.
"Now of course your harlot daughter will have to be stoned to death; we can arrange a nice private ceremony if you like..."
Oooh, they have fish-shrimp! Maybe they have some chicken-pork as well!
This Good Times off of I-70.
So...he was going to college?
So he stalked Reese Whitherspoon.
1970s hair of the 1950s!
"Thanks--put it on my tab."
"You a spitter or swallower, Mary?"
But not movie stars in cars. That would be too much for a first date.
"Great! I'll go get my Edsel..."
This could be the beginning of a beautiful domestic abuse.
"What do you think of my house?"
The music is mocking her impending assault.
"And over there is where I hid the body of my last girlfriend--but enough about me..."
o/...No one's quick as Bob, no one's slick as Bob...o/
--or any boy, for that matter.
"Bye! I'll let you know if I find my hymen!"
"And we're going to register at Macy's, and you should see the china pattern I've picked out..."
"Go get me a malt, woman!"
Wow, a guy who turned down a threesome? There's something you don't see everyday.
Date Rape Alley is busy on Fridays.
"Come on, I want to ride the see-saw!"
Does his passenger door just not work?
But since we're still under the Hays Code, we can't tell you any more about that...
How demanding can he be? They're in a public park! There's a big family reunion going on just offscreen!
"Tum-te-tum, nothing to see here kids..."
"I left my keys in Bob's car."
So it was against the law to get knocked up in the 1950s? They were stricter than I thought!
George Putnam uses the opportunity to promote his "Perversion for Profit" seminar.
So, basically rapists are motivated by low self-esteem.
"Don't worry, Mary, we'll send you to live with your aunt for a few months, and then you'll have a beautiful baby sibling and we'll never speak of this again."
And remember, nobody buys the cow when they can get the milk for free. Good night.


Capped by TheDiva
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Friday, January 7, 2011

Thumbelina, Part 8

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Quite a coup getting the Death of Rats to officiate.
"I'll treasure them always, Teresa."
"Thumbelina."
"Whatever."
Wait, that was Cornelius' ring? Shows how much I've been paying attention....but can you blame me?
Uh-oh, trouble at the Longstocking wedding...
"Does this mean we get to keep the gifts?"
"Do I have to sing another song to set you straight?"
Well, she's already dressed for a clown wedding...
Where was this assertiveness for the past seventy minutes, huh?
"HOWAREYA!"
Wait, I thought he decided he didn't like her...oh who cares, the movie will end faster if they don't explain it.
"Af...lac...."
And our hero stumbles to the rescue!
"Damn, I can't leave that girl alone for a SECOND!"
"Your motor car can't save you now!"
"He was mostly dead, all right?"
Great, now a spider's gonna try to come alomg and bang her..."
"Wait...what was I doing?"
"My blood sacrifice brought it back after all!"
SO, basically Thumbelina suffered from severe seasonal affective disorder...
"I am not left-handed!"
"Hey, you're pretty good. Maybe you should have been the hero of this movie..."
"We're just going to go on ahead to the catered reception, if it's okay with you..."
There, a villain fell to his presumed death. Now that we've ripped off every single Disney cliche ever, can the movie please be over?
"Our honeymoon reservations are non-refundable!"
All I know is, those pirates are gonna be pretty pissed off when they see what happened to their treasure.
"Hooray, they'll be buried alive!"
Well, so much for that. Now what are you going to do about the fact you're dressed like a demented 18th century hooker?
"Aaagh, a dog! Oh wait, that's my shadow..."
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the deus ex machina!
"I'm forced to admit!"
"It was in Miami this whole time!"
See? Men can ask for directions.
Well, she's been abducted by every other male character in this movie, so why not?"
"He's a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in peace. If you hadn't frozen him in the ice he'd be pushing up the daisies. HE IS AN EX-PRINCE!"
"I almost agreed to star in a direct-to-video sequel of this movie!"
"I love Survivor!"
"Here we are--Fargo, North Dakota! Good luck!"
"Come out and pla-ay!"
"Ha-ha, humor him..."
Weed! THAT'S what would make this movie better!
"Sorry, your mom's already turned your bedroom into a sewing box."
"Okay, but my concert fee starts at ten large."
"La la la, gushy romance, can we go now?"
"Hellooo, who's that hot robin over there?"
"Let's forget about the prince and smoke this shit!"
"That's what the GPS says!"
Even the French can boss Thumbelina around.
I've heard of shattering glass with your voice, but icicles?
"Christ, it is FREEZING out here!"
That's the Vale of the Fairies for you: if you don't like the weather, wait five minutes.
Hey, can you move out of the way? I think Fantasia is starting back there!
If she starts singing Creed, I'm leaving.
"I mean, where are all the nightclubs?"
"Hi, what'd I miss?"
"You're never coming back, did I mention that?
"I want to date other fairies."
And the moral of the story is: always marry the first guy you're attracted to!
His kiss changed her dress!
Well, that makes perfect--huh? Oh forget it, it's almost over...
It was nice of the Keeblers to come for the wedding...
A duck! Oh wait, it's her hat...
"Winky, Tinky, quit messing with those flowers and help me play these chimes!"
Meanwhile, back at the lavish estate of the poor old spinster..."
Even the fairies know Wagner!
They got married at the Holy Cathedral of the Wiggles!
And now, an anthem in honor of the bride.
o/...THUM-BE-LIN-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!...o/


Capped by TheDiva
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Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Thumbelina, Part 7

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(Folks, I'm sorry about the sound quality on this one, but it's the best copy of this section of the movie I could find. Also, you may notice we've backtracked a bit.)
(So why don't you just grab a drink, use the restroom, or just skip ahead to the next scene with the toad and the bug, and we'll pick it up there. Sound good? Good. ~TheDiva)
"Um, he was that way when I found him!"
"I prefer Madonna anyway!"
"That I know a way to get rich quick in just three months?"
He must go through mustache wax by the case.
"Now, she might be a little suicidally depressed when you see her..."
WHOA! Suddenly it's a Tarantino movie!
She's buried with a defunct reality series?
"You can't fool me! I don't HAVE a tail!"
For future reference, you probably shouldn't dress the heavy in your movie like Pulchinella.
From the mohel?
"It's worse than what he does to AMC Gremlins!"
They're relatively blase about the serial killer in their midst.
"That's your solution for everything, Billy Bob!"
FINALLY someone in this movie talks sense!
Of course it's the Gilbert Gottfried character, so it still sounds painful..."
"Yeah thanks, we totally didn't see that."
"That's your solution for everything, Billy Bob!"
Didn't David the Gnome live there?
"The door's locked, the walls are nice and soundproof...time for the skin flaying!"
"Money's like manure, you know..."
This from a mouse in baby blue bloomers.
"And there's that whole murdering beetles and displaying their mutilated corpses, but we all have a few quirks..."
She makes a lot of snap judgments about people.
Unusual music for a striptease.
o/...And it's public domain, so we can steal it all we want!...o/
Frosting and sprinkles on a hope chest?
o/...And change his ways tomorrow!...o/
o/...He's kind of insane and he kills just for fun...o/
o/...But that's what Altoids are for!...o/
Ew, old mouse funk!
Did the house from "Hansel and Gretel" just manifest briefly back there?
"And there was a kissing fish too, at least in the version I saw."
At least SOMEONE in this movie has actually read the classics.
No arguments here.
"Getting marries to psychotic recluses builds character!"
"Plastics."
Ew no, that was the maggot nest!
"And wear this tabard!"
"And go to the ceremony dressed as Lady Gaga!"
o/...Heeeeeey, Macarena!...o/
Ah, Minnesota in May...
Still comatose? Good.
"I'm gonna put his wing in warm water..."
"Well, I was planning on dying of hypothermia, but I'll raise my body temperature just for you. Twit."
His beak gloss hasn't even smudged!
"If only I had some basic competence, you wouldn't be in this mess..."
Well, Tom Cruise has done all right for himself...
"Like have the great taste of cream cheese with only half the fat!"
"He has a handsome life insurance policy, and he's blind so arranging an 'accident' would be easy..."
"I suppose I could try taking care of myself...naaah, that's crazy talk!"
"Geez, I can't sleep with you yammering on like that!"
"No, I'm Thumbelina."
"Let me strangle you in my joy!"
"No, no, it's okay, I'm only half frozen and have several broken bones..."
"Oh hey, where did that come from?"
"Now if I pull this, you'll rescue me from being devoured in the Colosseum, right?"
"Oh, your pus is delicious!"
"I'm okay! I'm not as think as you drunk I am!"
"I thought the nice men in white coats helped you with this 'Vale of the Fairies' nonsense..."
Oh yeah, said the three-inch tall girl to the French-accented swallow in Harlequin drag.
There's a fine line between enthusiastic and insane. He's over it by several miles.
"I've had it with this lousy score!"
"He forgot to check out with the front desk...."
Did she say that or did I?
"But if I'd actually told him that, the movie would be over..."
"I told you we should have taken this thing out of the fridge sooner!"
"Oh yeah, the solid block of ice totally has wireless access."
*finger snaps off*
"Quick, you steal his wallet while he's still groggy!"
Hair by Queen Amidala.
Why is she carrying a pink toilet plunger with with palm leaves on it?
I'm surprised they were able to book Redwall Abbey for the ceremony; it's usually a six-month wait...
o/...Let me be--dayam girl, what the Hell are you wearing?
Uh-oh, Thumbelina got lost on the way to the altar...
Hey, they started without her!
Look, a Cootie!
A mood ring? What, the cheap-ass mole couldn't spring for a diamond?
"What? Sorry, I was just listening to the little man in my ring..."


Capped by TheDiva
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