Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Thumbelina, Part 3

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"I'm talking nine hours straight, baby."
"Can't talk now, I need to set up our ridiculously contrived separation."
"Geez, I live in a honeycomb and I found that too sweet."
"Wait, I never gave him my e-mail address!"
Okay, who got their greasy fingers on the movie?
So, the prince comes and sees her, introduces her to mom and dad, everyone's thrilled, they get married and the movie's over, right?
He has a Thneed stuck under his nose!
Uh-oh, she's being kidnapped by the Amphibian Taliban!
Hans Christian Anderson's Buried
Yeah, four times the range of a human's ears my ass.
Does everyone in this movie have delayed reaction syndrome?
Oh, I'm so glad he's neutered.
So, I guess the name "Hero" is meant to be ironic...
"Well, I tried. I'm going to go eat my own filth..."
"Curse you, Mary Poppiiiiiiiiins!"
And now the dog can walk on water too, I guess.
Gaaah, put the veil back on!
"Would it help if we sang another unbearably shrill group number?"
"I should have got a cat instead."
You know, Mom's pretty well set up for a poor peasant woman; maybe she could just buy another kid like Angelina Jolie...
Flowers and jewelry I get, but why the Cadbury egg?
Must've taken him forever to get his hair stuffed in there.
"Damn, and I thought my college dorm was a dump!"
"This could only be the work of a very small Latina frog!"
"Just what I need to cheer me up, a snack!"
"Who's Timmy and how did he get into a well?"
"Yeah, um, there was nothing I could do about it, there were like fifty big hairy mutants coming after her..."
"Jay Leno?"
"I mean, you got your ass kicked by a friggin' toad, but you tried..."
"You've fail--er, helped enough already..."
"Yeah right, I'll do that because I'm fluent in human. Dumb-ass fairy."
She was kidnapped and taken to The Princess and the Frog. This can only be an improvement.
My Spanish is rusty...does that say "The Handsome Saps"?
"You may be wondering why I'm dressed like a cardinal..."
"I am the first of many vocal cameos by D-List celebrities!"
Does everyone in this story give their children humiliating names?
Well, she's not a mammal, so I've got to assume that's a wig and two cherries down her blouse...
You've got to hand it to Charo; it's not often that Hollywood Squares is an upward career move.
She must have her makeup gun set to "whore."
I suppose I just should be thankful they didn't make the frogs offensive French stereotypes...
"I don't see how she could mean that in ANYTHING but a literal sense!"
Does she have St. Vitus' Dance?
"We've had one whole date already!"
Mick Jagger's looking at that mouth and thinking "Daaaaaaamn"....
You see Thumbelina, when a fairy and a tiny airhead love each other very, very much...
o/...And the farm animals singing...o/
"I wish I had a pair of those."
"Well, I can sweep with a feather and dance with chickens..."
"No, but your accent does."
Actually, if you don't want to do housework, marrying into royalty is a pretty good way of going about that...
"I think I'm attracted to girls now..."
Yes girls, these are your only options: domestic slave or whore!
Don Bluth's Showgirls
Geez, Pinocchio wasn't this gullible!
o/...Hi-dee-hi-dee-hi-dee-hi...o/
The Amphibian Jonas Brothers
"No, if we sing fast enough nobody will realize how bad the lyrics are."
"Or maybe I could just file my nails."
Dirty old men of every species love their show!
Another sad example of Rule 34.
The cousins Kermit doesn't talk about.
o/...Bas-ic con-ga rhy-THM! Bas-ic con-ga rhy-THM!...o/
So, basically they want her to join a cruise ship show.
*arm snaps off*
o/...We're dark on Sundays and do Wednesday matinees...o/
See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Sing No Evil
"Okay, your gratuitous Latin number has won me over!"
"No thanks, you're wearing enough for both of us."
Is that a mustache, or a paint error?
I'm just waiting for that frog's ankles to snap.
"No, I'm serious, I think your heel ripped a tendon!"
Well, this song does make me want to travel...you know, as far away from it as humanly possible.
"We're not Equity, so we'll have to pay you under the table."
"Okay, I'll join your act, just no more choruses!"
Well, she'll fit the stereotype...
How do you expect her to dance when she stands like a toddler?
Oh, please do.
Still, it's better than Legends in Concert.
"We throw corn nibblets at you!"
"I'll feed her and water her every day!"
Oh, just tell her its normal for managers to take a 95% cut. She'll buy it.
"Don't let it go to your head; they were applauding that Miley kid last week."
"That's my favorite Genesis song!"
"But what about that whole song about staying single and avoiding a life of drudgery?"
"Ai, chica, you want-a the consistency, you work witha da mouse..."
"Padre? But I'm a Dodgers fan!"
"Even though I know even less about him than I know of you."
"I mean, I know I don't actually have a say in who I get to marry, but..."
"We're off to find a better movie to be in, see ya!"
Well, first you'd actually need to have an idea in your teeny tiny brain...
Oh great, him again.
Wow, he's wearing even more blush than the hootchie-mama toad...
"Since I'm completely useless without a man..."
"But it was taking forever for him to get aroused..."
"I did absolutely nothing to merit it, but thanks anyway."
So? Is this like Ella Enchanted and she has to do whatever anyone tells her to whether she wants to or not?
Yeah, and it just got worse...
"Could you stop talking like that?"
"I mean, it's not like you're a bird and could fly me off of this thing..."
Really? I'm going to go divide by zero!
And...you couldn't have just airlifted her off the lilypad WHY, exactly?
"It didn't actually help my situation any, but it was easy!"
Oh, with any luck they've escaped the movie while they could.
Oh yeah, knew there had to be one of those.
"Pfft, those are only Class II rapids."
[Nostalgia Chick] Get on. The fucking. Bird. [/Nostalgia Chick]
Wow, I think she found the only character in this movie dumber than she is.


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Sunday, October 17, 2010

Perversion for Profit (1965) (Part 4 of 4)

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Who better than ageing busybodies to decide what we can think, after all?
"...yet."
"...or our precious bodily fluids."
Ty Law, Jude Law, Frederick Law Olmstead...
"Court calls the Dirty Pied Piper of Hamlin."
"HEY! Wake up down there, steno!"
Whoa, man!
Even gingers agree.
So, happily, then?
"Whaaat?" "I can't hear!" "Huh?" "Speak up, sonny!" "Is this Matlock?"
The Pied Piper must be pushing 80, if this is a jury of his peers.
↑             ↑             ↑             ↑
↑             ↑                   ↑
Truly, these are some happening contemporary mofos.
"Guilty! Burn this 'Rodin' cocksucker!"
Smut trials always draw a BIG crowd!
Or are these alternates for the jurors who die?
"...and then he took off his glasses."
I'm from rural America. Shooting up while pregnant isn't below our community standards.
Does it make my wee-wee tingle?
Would you have sex on your living room table?
Do you want to?
Do you do that anyway?
What if it were a Scouting fundraiser?
Floss?
LOTS of it!
And the legal colloid.
"You, as a lonely nut job?"
...FROM "HAND TIME"
"Babysitters especially. Mmm...."
Introduce them to the vague, repressed, unsatisfying "sex scenes" of D.H. Lawrence.
"Gee, Todd, you always take me to the best goddamn places."
United Offshore Consolidated Brand Holdings Corporation LLC
Nude tennis players?
"Nurrrr, there's dirty magazines fer sale at the-"        

        "Don't call the police again, Mr. Rumblech."
Popes, admins, cowboys...
Surely nothing says "I'm a member of the majority" like a Letter to the Editor.
"Hey, do you guys like Franzen?"

"Banned!"
...awaken...
...awaken...arouse...
...awaken...arouse...support...
...awaken...arouse...support...prompt...
...awaken...arouse...support...prompt, vigorous...
...awaken...arouse...support...prompt, vigorous...unit...
Commercial Drivers License?
Imagine how stuffed full of smut that box must have been over the preceding few weeks.
A decay called redundancy.
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Please help improve this article by adding citations to reliable sources.
(And a bunch of Deists.)
Then why doesn't our Constitution mention God or religion, except to specifically separate it from the state?
"It's... somewhere in the middle."
Put a little love in your heart...
I say, put a little love in your heart!
"...and into the horrors of repression."
And the world...
...will be a better place!
And the WORLD... !
...WILL BE A BETTER PLACE!
PUT a little LOVE in your heeeeeeeeeart!
"WAIT I WASN'T DONE-!"
...OR IS IT?!

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Thumbelina, Part 2

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"I want to go where the people go... Oops, wrong song!"
.oO(God I hope she shuts up soon. My ears are very sensitive to high pitches.)
It's Prince Smarming!
"I'm going to get that Asian massage one day!"
Honey, with that shrill voice bats can hear you.
Why is she holding her skirt like that? Is she trying to flash the dog?
"Brrr, sudden breeze!"
See, she has wings behind her, it's totally foreshadowing OMG...
Even the illustration is vaguely weirded out by her.
"Naaaah, that would be too unrealistic."
o/...When you wish upon a star...o/
And next up on our list of soundtrack cliches, please welcome the Eerie Disembodied Choir!
Crap, we're in Fern Gully.
"Die, nature, DIE! MWA-HAHAHAHAHA!!!"
Did someone put Fantasia in and hit the fast-forward button?
I think you're dragging a muffler...
It's Queen Phyllis Diller and King Billy Connolly!
"Dear, the baby fell out again."
"...But that bitch Puck is wearing the same outfit as you.'
"Ah well, he's only our sole heir, no big deal."
"I mean we're fairies, for Oberon's sake, it's not like we're very macho to begin with..."
She has too much nose and not enough chin.
"I know dear, but thank you for that lovely bit of exposition for the audience."
So, even in the fairy kingdom they have overprotective Jewish mothers?
"Oh my love, I do find your nagging oh so charming..."
"I'm one thousand and forty-five, what do YOU think?"
I think his mom's right, actually. You just know he's going to crash that thing into a windowpane one of these days.
"Shame about the rest of her."
Breaking and entering--always a good way to break the ice.
Lucky for him she's severely myopic.
Is the camera giving them some personal space?
"I hope nobody's actually listening to me right now, otherwise they might think I'm mentally disturbed!"
"Nice codpiece, too."
Hey, that was a library book!
"*gasp* That's the worst pick-up line I've ever heard!"
"Sure I just popped into your bedroom brandishing a weapon, but I'm harmless, really!"
"What about the dagger poking out under your doublet?"
"I'm not carrying a...oh, um...awkward..."
"Well, you snuck into my room, but you're cute so I guess it's okay..."
So, he's sixteen and she's what, two months old now?


Ewwwww...
o/...Nothing--your hair in the moonlight...o/
Wait, he stalks her, he sparkles...oh crap, it's Twilight!
"An illustration!"
"Well, technically I'm three millimeters taller than you..."
No, no, let the tiny fey prince with the knitting needle fight the goofy old dog. This should be fun.
"Thumbelina? What idiot gave you THAT name?"
He makes Prince Edward in Enchanted look butch.
"Okay, your very forced improv has convinced me..."
"Well, good thing the dog has the brains and attention span of a goldfish..."
But is it really worth pirouetting over?
"Oh my God, I thought I was the only one with a silly name in the whole world!"
"If you're a doofus, I mean."
This will never work out. She'll always be using his hair product, he'll be getting runs in her best tights...
"He's really modest, too."
"I'm sure he'd love to get up in your biz-naz..."
Wow, usually to see body language this hyperactive I have to watch the Bakshi Lord of the Rings.
"Bumbles bounce, you know."
"You're not allergic, are you? There was an...unfortunate accident with my last girlfriend...
Yeah, forget about the cute sparkly guy with wings who just broke into your house, here's a bee!
"No, I meant would you like to do a sit 'n spin?"
"I wish I had a helmet, too. I don't want my tiny brains to splatter on the pavement if you roll this thing."
Tiny upskirt shot!
Why, hello random nightmare creatures!
And her neck snaps like Isadora Duncan's.
I hope Aladdin and Jasmine fly by and sideswipe them.
Let's see, what other Disney movies can we steal from? Oh right, Beauty and the Beast!
Are they part Jesus bug?
Special cameo by the Ugly Duckling.
"Especially if you desire a threesome. That would be cool."
"Well, I gotta get back to The Swan Princess, catch you two lovebirds later!"
"Bought this place off of Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater. What do you think?"
.oO(Can you read my mind?)
I think she's getting high on the fairy dust.
Oh God, I just contracted type 2 diabetes.
Whuh?
Did the movie just hit a tesseract?
You know what? I don't believe in fairies.
*Cornelius seizes up and falls, taking Thumbelina with him*
"Um, oops."
Wow,even plummeting to her death she doesn't miss a cue.
"Could you take a teeny tiny breath mint?"
Oh great, he's a redneck fairy.
"Um, could we sit somewhere where there isn't a frog drooling on me?"
"On second thought, I'm not in the mood for an amphibian commedia dell'arte show. Let's go somewhere else."
.o(Dude, nice breasts!)
It's a Peg Bundy frog!
"You sick freak! She's a mammal!"
"So, wanna come up for a tiny nightcap?"
"Thumbelina, you're not wearing any underwear! You naughty minx!"
Yeah, it's called a plot device.
"Huh?...oh, yeah. Really, I'll call you, babe."
Whoa! Even for a fairy tale, these two are moving fast!
"...Well, hardly ever."
"We were just golding the leaves!"
"Let's just say I'm wanted for murder."
Just wait, it'll take a few moments for that info to reach her brain.
It's not her fault, her brain's still operating on dial-up.
"It's only a day away."
"But you said he was handsome!"
"My mom needs someone besides me to criticize!"
Yeesh, it's just meeting his folks; it's not like they're going to publish the banns or anything...
"I had Mexican for lunch!"
"They'll find your dimwittedness charming!"
"Unless you get kidnapped by a frog or something, but what are the odds of THAT happeneing?"
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