Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Thumbelina, Part 3

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"I'm talking nine hours straight, baby."
"Can't talk now, I need to set up our ridiculously contrived separation."
"Geez, I live in a honeycomb and I found that too sweet."
"Wait, I never gave him my e-mail address!"
Okay, who got their greasy fingers on the movie?
So, the prince comes and sees her, introduces her to mom and dad, everyone's thrilled, they get married and the movie's over, right?
He has a Thneed stuck under his nose!
Uh-oh, she's being kidnapped by the Amphibian Taliban!
Hans Christian Anderson's Buried
Yeah, four times the range of a human's ears my ass.
Does everyone in this movie have delayed reaction syndrome?
Oh, I'm so glad he's neutered.
So, I guess the name "Hero" is meant to be ironic...
"Well, I tried. I'm going to go eat my own filth..."
"Curse you, Mary Poppiiiiiiiiins!"
And now the dog can walk on water too, I guess.
Gaaah, put the veil back on!
"Would it help if we sang another unbearably shrill group number?"
"I should have got a cat instead."
You know, Mom's pretty well set up for a poor peasant woman; maybe she could just buy another kid like Angelina Jolie...
Flowers and jewelry I get, but why the Cadbury egg?
Must've taken him forever to get his hair stuffed in there.
"Damn, and I thought my college dorm was a dump!"
"This could only be the work of a very small Latina frog!"
"Just what I need to cheer me up, a snack!"
"Who's Timmy and how did he get into a well?"
"Yeah, um, there was nothing I could do about it, there were like fifty big hairy mutants coming after her..."
"Jay Leno?"
"I mean, you got your ass kicked by a friggin' toad, but you tried..."
"You've fail--er, helped enough already..."
"Yeah right, I'll do that because I'm fluent in human. Dumb-ass fairy."
She was kidnapped and taken to The Princess and the Frog. This can only be an improvement.
My Spanish is rusty...does that say "The Handsome Saps"?
"You may be wondering why I'm dressed like a cardinal..."
"I am the first of many vocal cameos by D-List celebrities!"
Does everyone in this story give their children humiliating names?
Well, she's not a mammal, so I've got to assume that's a wig and two cherries down her blouse...
You've got to hand it to Charo; it's not often that Hollywood Squares is an upward career move.
She must have her makeup gun set to "whore."
I suppose I just should be thankful they didn't make the frogs offensive French stereotypes...
"I don't see how she could mean that in ANYTHING but a literal sense!"
Does she have St. Vitus' Dance?
"We've had one whole date already!"
Mick Jagger's looking at that mouth and thinking "Daaaaaaamn"....
You see Thumbelina, when a fairy and a tiny airhead love each other very, very much...
o/...And the farm animals singing...o/
"I wish I had a pair of those."
"Well, I can sweep with a feather and dance with chickens..."
"No, but your accent does."
Actually, if you don't want to do housework, marrying into royalty is a pretty good way of going about that...
"I think I'm attracted to girls now..."
Yes girls, these are your only options: domestic slave or whore!
Don Bluth's Showgirls
Geez, Pinocchio wasn't this gullible!
o/...Hi-dee-hi-dee-hi-dee-hi...o/
The Amphibian Jonas Brothers
"No, if we sing fast enough nobody will realize how bad the lyrics are."
"Or maybe I could just file my nails."
Dirty old men of every species love their show!
Another sad example of Rule 34.
The cousins Kermit doesn't talk about.
o/...Bas-ic con-ga rhy-THM! Bas-ic con-ga rhy-THM!...o/
So, basically they want her to join a cruise ship show.
*arm snaps off*
o/...We're dark on Sundays and do Wednesday matinees...o/
See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Sing No Evil
"Okay, your gratuitous Latin number has won me over!"
"No thanks, you're wearing enough for both of us."
Is that a mustache, or a paint error?
I'm just waiting for that frog's ankles to snap.
"No, I'm serious, I think your heel ripped a tendon!"
Well, this song does make me want to travel...you know, as far away from it as humanly possible.
"We're not Equity, so we'll have to pay you under the table."
"Okay, I'll join your act, just no more choruses!"
Well, she'll fit the stereotype...
How do you expect her to dance when she stands like a toddler?
Oh, please do.
Still, it's better than Legends in Concert.
"We throw corn nibblets at you!"
"I'll feed her and water her every day!"
Oh, just tell her its normal for managers to take a 95% cut. She'll buy it.
"Don't let it go to your head; they were applauding that Miley kid last week."
"That's my favorite Genesis song!"
"But what about that whole song about staying single and avoiding a life of drudgery?"
"Ai, chica, you want-a the consistency, you work witha da mouse..."
"Padre? But I'm a Dodgers fan!"
"Even though I know even less about him than I know of you."
"I mean, I know I don't actually have a say in who I get to marry, but..."
"We're off to find a better movie to be in, see ya!"
Well, first you'd actually need to have an idea in your teeny tiny brain...
Oh great, him again.
Wow, he's wearing even more blush than the hootchie-mama toad...
"Since I'm completely useless without a man..."
"But it was taking forever for him to get aroused..."
"I did absolutely nothing to merit it, but thanks anyway."
So? Is this like Ella Enchanted and she has to do whatever anyone tells her to whether she wants to or not?
Yeah, and it just got worse...
"Could you stop talking like that?"
"I mean, it's not like you're a bird and could fly me off of this thing..."
Really? I'm going to go divide by zero!
And...you couldn't have just airlifted her off the lilypad WHY, exactly?
"It didn't actually help my situation any, but it was easy!"
Oh, with any luck they've escaped the movie while they could.
Oh yeah, knew there had to be one of those.
"Pfft, those are only Class II rapids."
[Nostalgia Chick] Get on. The fucking. Bird. [/Nostalgia Chick]
Wow, I think she found the only character in this movie dumber than she is.


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