Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Ayumi Hamasaki - Glitter

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Assassin Kurt Loder strikes again, and leaves his calling card.
.
o
0
O
( Am I being emphasized? )
True to form, MTV still isn't playing music.
"Flashy brighty things that go PUFF!"
Come on, Michael Bay -- start the song already.
This happens to gay guys all the time...
"Quickly! Into a more hideous part of the hotel!"
"Miss Ayumi! Miss Ayumi!"
"Was the girl legal even in Japan, Miss Ayumi!?"
Shiny object →
The Polaroid Paparazzi strikes again.
The Ayumi signal!
Yes, still be weebie wub
"Can I have another menu? I don't get this."
Yes, dustbin weebie wub
I just... There's something she's trying to convey... I don't quite...
It's always embarassing to be the opening act for a virtual performer.
Meatloaf must have had a garage sale.
"OUT OF THE LIGHTS, A**HOLE!"
Her directions were simply to flip out.
*sigh*
"THE MYLAR!"
Shouldn't you... Shouldn't you maybe... Get her out of there?
I mean, I'm not telling you how to do your job...
"Relax, killer. They dropped three shards in CGI."
"Yeah, well, but..."
She's managed by Kim Jong-Il's successor?
May
May I
May I request
May I request the
May I request the pleasure
May I request the pleasure of
May I request the pleasure of your
May I request the pleasure of your company
May I request the pleasure of your company?
都会っ子 純情

"MY STRENGTH BEGS SEX AT YOUR BUSINESS ¿"
Boy when the drum pads come out, you know things are getting serious.
"Look! It's Saki, from Berryz Koubou!"

"No, I'm... SH*T!"
Never ask to experience the authentic Hong Kong.
"Here, let me show you the storage unit where I grew up."
DRAGON BREATH!
HIT!
SPOON FEED!
DIP!
DODGE!
PITCHER PUSH!
FEINT!
HEAD TOSS!
FACE SHIELD!
CRANE STYLE!
GRAPPLE TWIST!
RUNNING FENCE DRAG!
BALANCE FAIL!
FINISHING MOVE!
Gay guys.

All. The. Time.
Good thing we're spinning. We wouldn't understand there's a relationship going on otherwise.
"Eat it, creep!"
THE END
And much like Ayumi, our story just kind of...
...drives off, in a battered van.
Capped by Space Toast
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Feel better soon, GlitterRock!

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Berryz Koubou - Tomodachi wa Tomodachi Nanda!

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5000 years of civilization, and we're still fascinated by the image of people doing the same thing at the same time.
Make use of your motor bootie on the ding-a-lings, they are all my friends
Sod Lenore, who looked up my e-data
Oh, my "friend"
So, this demon in the gutter, all mean to me, he tweeted "I'm a settler"
Out of work, I let it talk, 'cause, sh*t, you know?
(Sh*t, Carol)
Well then Carol now she took the evil meanie down to turn him into kerosene
I'm still mad at you for joking about me -- I like bishi Hitler
Bedbugs reproduce inside a trunk, collect inside the keyhole, see me turn over
Garlic sheep, you say?
Commandant, she wept the more that she learned that
Wiimotes get thrown from Ipanema to Arizona -- but not at big mean Miyamoto
Murder someone? Would she blab on me? I guess so
So selling what you need while your body's going mean -- that's L.A., Berryz Koubous
'Kay, now come suck him on the knee
Dunno
Now come running, it's bishi Hitler
They've laid four feet of track, and god dammit they're gonna use us.
So, good Alyssa on United said I shouldn't sh*t on maybe all my friends
Could she get like that if I argue you aren't ALL my friends?
Kay's a Jew, so I say Kay, how 'bout a movie? She's like "Schindler!"
"Mazeltov." Oh cool tattoo, you madass sheik
Marching -- Oh you had a go, that's kind of mean -- there's a kitchen in the DoD
You know even if we banish it that kind of gag will get absurd
So now, would you guess the moaning and the jiggling and groaning were some crummy guy?
Becky, do have some salad
There's no doubt she wants it more now she's learned that
Gödel's a Turkoman, but legacy-ish model won't be sold with cash no more
Double "E," now let them "beeches" talk a while
So heed the double "E" now on Cheech and Chong are going down. Sheesh, that's evil
Go pack your canoe under there
Dunno
Like your mommy I'd hit that Hitler
                  ↑
Yes, that's a bowtie necklace.
Notice that each one of their outfits would be cute if not for a single ridiculous embellishment. The rolled cuff, the fishnets, the piled-on necklaces, the policeman's hat...
Come on, Dante, why don't more men remember?
The boat's got through the eastern sea to Manitoba, not to Ealing, my I know
Come on, guys; I'm wrapped in more than teen anger
The Hitler joke is done but you've gotta keep on mocking it
Sod that. God, no more
Come on in and let your bishi Dachau, why why?
So we'll beat it double in, and now we teach it as a song and let it go down -- sh*t that's evil
Don't pack your noo-noo on a dare
Dunno
Like her mommy...
...I'd hit that Hitler!
Hormones?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, woo

(In my defense, I still haven't subjected you to °C-ute.)

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Thumbelina, Part 4

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They hung their clothes out to...oh, my head...
Ah, more cute abominations!
"Look closely, son, you're about to see natural selection at work."
Hey, the waterfall grew!
Wow, this rescue is trickier than ending combat maneuvers in Iraq.
Now really, is she worth this much effort?
So the bird can't fly her off the lilypad, but two bugs can tow the thing to shore. Okay, movie.
"Oh, thanks for the rescue, guys. I think I'm just going to take a nap now..."
That must be industrial-strength makeup he has on...
"Can we eat her?"
"Brilliant, kid. I don't know why your daddy says you're slow."
"But the adorability of the baby bug is giving me a headache..."
"Yeah, we were cut from the Wizard of Oz movie and wound up here. Kind of a bum deal, really."
Gaaah, where's a shoe or a wadded-up tissue when you need it?
"I'm sure my not actually being there won't be an inconvenience."
Oh, don't worry about her. The movie sure isn't.
She needs a Garmin.
Well, this is going to be a waste of their 24-hour life spans.
With "help" like this, I don't blame you.
"As much as I can love someone I had a four-minute Award Bait song with, anyway."
I'd use Google Maps myself.
"Wait, wait, this is a trick question right?"
Will someone get this woman a God-damned atlas already?
.oO(I'm screwed.)
Our heroine, kiddies. She gives up at the slightest inconvenience!
Gaaah, not again!
.oO(My God, do all the animals around here have annoying songs?)
"I'm walking, I'm walking, don't push me!"
The rare Maurice Chevalier bird!
o/...You'll get lots of rides for free, if you suck some dick!...o/
"That's it, Thumbelina, show some leg and you can hitch a ride home!"
"Ass, gas, or grass, give it up!"
o/...Get up, stand up, stand up for your rights!...o/
Okay, who gave the entire chorus helium?
They make the Lollipop Guild sound like Barry White, Keith David and Christopher Lee...
Someone give him a "sidateve," please?
"Math is hard!"
So I guess what he's saying is, if you're lost just guess a random direction and everything will turn out okay!
Is that their vibrato, or was this recorded on a truck bed going over ten miles of unpaved road?
This reminds me of the time I was stuck in the final room of "It's a Small World" for ten minutes...
So, all these birds and not one of them thinks to fly over to Thumbelina's mom and tell her she's all right. Okay then.
My heart's telling me to get far away from the creepy French birdies!
"It will only take me the rest of the movie!"
"Kind of stupid, though."
Meanwhile, in Rivendell...
Wonder what kind of property tax you have to pay on an orchid.
"--that you wanted to be a cabaret dancer!"
"That's the plot so far, yep."
"I'm just happy he's fallen in love with a girl. I was thinking...well, we are fairies and all..."
"Take a sweater, it's cold!"
"Call daddy's cell if you're going to be late!"
"He's going to be hopeless as a hero, I just know it."
"But didn't we just have the first day of fall? Why is it nearly winter already?"
"Don't ask me, I didn't write this crap."
Great, back to the really offensive stereotypes.
"Leave me alone, I'm being emo. Girls love it."
"Curse the courts for overturning Proposition 8!"
Why not, Christopher Walken does it all the time.
That's par for the course for their act.
This movie has way too many bizarrely dressed animals with stupid accents.
SURGE!!!
"I bally her"?
It's hard to be a credible villain when your theme music is a conga.
o/...Little town, it's a quiet village...o/
Wait, you mean she's been in her own backyard this whole time? Now I REALLY hate this movie!
Great, I was just thinking "You know, this movie has some skin-peelingly irritating characters, but to be TRULY annoying it needs Gilbert Gottfried."
What style is his outfit? Tudor-Victorian-Jazz age?
"A provider of supplemental insurance!"
"Even if you are missing a couple legs."
"Well, it's just that your voice is making my tympanic membrane bleed..."
"I will show you how we say goodbye in Persia..."
Don Bluth's Sexual Harassment in the Workplace
Well, he's got the first part down...
Eeeeew...
Well, when you consider what he has to compare it with...
This is an extremely weird version of Phantom of the Opera...
Oh, no recitatives, please...
"That's what everybody says when they climb trees, right?"
"That might make us end the movie early..."
"Oh I bet you will, baby. Nudge-nudge, know what I mean..."
This is the second time in as many days she's been abducted. That's gotta be a record.
He's taking her to Snake Mountain!
"Nobody's perfect."
"I thought we were the help!"
"Let's get useful help, then."
Wow, is anyone else suddenly hungry for a bunch of small swamp animals? Anyone?
"Mr. Elton John!"
Okay, who gave Michael Bennett LSD?
Hey, was this choreographed by Buzzby Berkley? Ha ha...just kill me quickly, please.
They're dancing on the Sampo!
SOMEONE forgot his dress whites...
Gaah, I'd rather be serenaded by a sick cat!
"And make a quick break for the exit!"
She makes Lady Gaga look subdued.
Must be hard dancing on polished quartz.
Hey watch it! You'll put someone's eye out with those shoulder pads!
That's not how you wear a bikini top.
So, who's the worst fashion victim in this scene?
Did the writers just say, "How can we make Gilbert Gottfried more annoying? I know, we'll have him sing!"
She looks like an encephalitic Marie Antoinette.
Whoa, bloomer shot!
As long as it keeps you too winded to sing, sure.
"Yeah, if you like non-corpsy skin tones..."
"And I was going to mate with you and bite your head off, too!"
"And I don't have any concept of figurative language, either!"
"Those are terrible undergarments!"
This is where she sets the auditorium on fire, right?
Are they laughing at her or having a group seizure?


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