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Um, the film's in upside-down...
Sessions Presents: Classic Lullabyes
You bleed, your back aches, you do it again in a month. Next?
I hear Alan Menken wrote a great ballad for Tammy the Tampon in this.
Because she's one baaaad--
Shut yo' mouth!
Shut yo' mouth!
--she'll send you to bed without dessert if you don't eat your vegetables.
Remember, girls should be seen and not heard.
--defecate, scream at all hours of the night--
Speak for yourself; I had mine on a tight schedule.
GAAAAH IT'S STARING INTO MY SOUL!!!
And an unforgettable weekend in Vegas.
Number fifteen: The thing that controls the naughty bits.
For those of you that need a little extra help, there's steroids.
"Hey, femur! Quit slacking off and make with the lengthening already! You too, tibalis anterior!"
--to iPods, to micro-butterlies...
--as a proper woman should.
Roman Polanski is smiling somewhere.
But all girls feel a crippling insecurity about their bodies.
.oO(Stupid Disney Princesses won't let me in their club...)
So it sends tiny chevrons into the bloodstream...
Was it illegal to say "estrogen" in the 1940s?
My Menstruation Barbie!
And like almonds, they can be roasted and served with chocolate.
You will receive the passcode to your ovaries at the conclusion of this seminar.
Except this one; it's a dud.
Ceci n'est pas une fallopian tube.
The uterus, right next door to Uranus.
Personal health films always manage to make your sexual organs sound as boring as possible. I'm sure this is intentional.
The whole thing looks kind of like a head-on view of an elephant.
But that's another film entirely.
The Ring Cycle!
You'd think Disney would have put in a talking rabbit or two here.
"And two hard-boiled eggs." *beep beep* "Make that three hard boiled eggs."
"You heard me, get cracking on those times tables!"
And delicious custard!
The uterus has its own upholstery?
Wow, it's a miracle anybody ever gets born with all this prep work involved.
Number twenty: The interior of the naughty bits.
It uses Mapquest to get directions.
Let's go to flow chart for this section...
...And never you mind how THAT happens, little missy!
Or it will just pass on through anyway, or get stuck in the fallopian tube, or...
That's right, you all started life feasting on your mother's blood. Sleep well!
We figure if we keep you in the dark about this whole "fertilization" thing, you'll never be curious about it, ever.
You have failed your duties as a female. FAILED!
If your period looks like vanilla pudding, you should see a doctor.
Or, colloquially, 'being on the God damn rag.'
Like labor pains, or dying.
Tell your ovaries to quit staring at me!
--fifteen minutes.
That part of the narration was borrowed from the boy's film.
Where's the lucky bitch who only has a three-day period? I want to smack her face.
But they're not.
That's right, it's your pituitary's fault you're fat.
"Help, I think they're planning to eat me!"
So take a daily laxative.
Walt Disney's Watchmen
I don't particularly like the Nancy Drew Sundial.
Wake me when it's half-past October, will ya?
And remember, your biological clock is ticking so you need to find yourself a husband, now!
Only commies allow themselves to get sick or unhappy.
--then it's time for a nine-month stay with your aunt in the country.
Oh, of course.
Since you have absolutely no social life, this should be very easy.
This must be rhythm method-only education.
--Our Bodies, Ourselves.
Love Always, Your Period.
Including instructions and diagrams for the more difficult positions.
However, it will inform you that if you touch yourself, you'll go blind and baby Jesus will cry.
--you filthy whore!
*Psycho violins*
No, mine are unionized.
Make sure the water is set exactly at 72.8 degrees Fahrenheit.
Lead a dull, unfulfilling life.
--Well, it makes a great excuse.
Is it really wise to reenact the ending of City of Angels at any time?
"Oh no, my neck vertebrae are pulverized!"
You are, after all, just a girl.
This was the only work Supergirl could get in the 1940s.
*falls over laughing*
A feeling of pressure=the sensation that your lower spine is being squeezed in a vice
This may be more severe for girls with encephalitis.
"No way, I'm gonna become a crazy cat lady and you can't stop me!"
Says who?
--Bloody Mary will come through the mirror and kill you.
This was an orientation film in Stepford, wasn't it?
But what if I normally have regular contact with Levites?
Stop that at once, you hussy!
Mr. and Mrs. Bobblehead
Along with a demonstration of the basic ballet positions.
Betty Boop Aerobics!
You'll never catch a man looking like that!
Walt Disney's "Posture Pals"
Atten-SHUN!
Missionary?
And we're back to the laxatives.
Rectum? I hardly know him! *rimshot*
Number thirty: the things flanking the naughty bits.
So will carrying around ten pounds of fetus and fluid--deal with it.
I hate my body; it's so high-maintenance.
And lots of good American beef and butter.
--are any of you still paying attention or are you drawing naughty pictures in the booklet?
But not too smart; men don't like that.
She's dusting herself with corn meal!
The Teletubby sun didn't age well.
"Hmm, 'The Position of Indrani'...that looks interesting..."
You'd think being sponsored by Kotex, they would have brought up maxi pads at least once.
It's just irritating and painful.
Some of us still haven't taken off our training wheels.
"Mommy shakes my little brother like this."
She forgot the groom!
ROAR!
.oO(I'll wait until she's busy with something else, then make with the screaming!)
Geez, what a backhanded compliment.
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