Dougal and the Blue Cat (the Magic Roundabout)

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From previous experience I wouldn't exactly call this movie a good time...

AS SHERLOCK HOLMES AND WATSON

First Name: The

Surname: Train

Occupation: Steam powered public transport that runs on metal rails that is known for occasionally being late

This is bascially the British equivalent of Samurai Pizza Cats

Scenery by Stephanie form Lazy Town

"And my spit is acidic so you'd better watch out!"

Dougal starts channeling the end of a season of Doctor Who

YOU'RE NOT WEARING A NIGHTIE!

"There is no grass to keep off and the election isn't for another week."

"But first I'll need to grow a pair of hands."

If you don't like it why the hell did you buy a talking Cuckoo Clock in the first place?

"She's human and you're a dog, it'll never work."

You know I get the feeling something happened last night

SPECIAL GUEST APPEARENCE BY THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE

Wow, I didn't know Virgin trains were that bad!

Dougal has a hat for every nation

You're not even on any rails, you could just swerve round it!

Don't worry Train, I know what it's like to have your path obstructed by a cow!

"GLORIOUS CHAOS!!"

"Alright then, Chaos."

Worst. Train. Ever

"On drugs as usual I presume?"

"Oh no, we're being attacked by an orchestra!"

"Middlesborough, how exiting!"

"And it you find the idea of a magic magic moustache hard to believe, please note that I am a man on a spring!"

"I have an ego you see."

"I mean they were all just standing on a big blue sphere congruatulating the emo kid for something!"

So there are much stranger things then men on springs in this world then

Says the talking dog who is currently relaying this information to a man on a SPRING!!!

"Yes despite the fact that I am a disembodied voice I somehow have a colour!"

"How that would make them think that though I have no idea!"

Something tells me there's going to be a lot of blue in this film

"I'm more of a green person."

"There are no psychiatrists in this world, the whole place just drives them mad!"

"Well...she's human at least."

Wait...wait...wait, houses? SINCE WHEN HAVE THERE BEEN HOUSES IN THE MAGIC ROUNDABOUT!!!!

Wait a minute, Florence isn't singing at all, it's the narrator!

(crack, crack, crack, shatter)

Now it's plainly obvious that she's not singing, who in their right mind would demand to themselves that they don't do something...in song?

Wait, I've got it...it was the flowers singing the whole time!!!

The Others? Are we watching Lost all of a sudden?

Which for some reason was now in the middle of a town even though it never had been before.

Yes, we played some dramatic music just for a cat.

Yeah, but in animal colouring 'blue' is a kind of grey.

Why are you doing that?

Well at least he's not rapping.

"What ever that was was very good indeed."

"Excuse me for a second, my moustache is having a seizure!"

You know I've just thought of something, has this roundabout ever demonstrated any kind of magical abilities in either this film or the TV series.

And no having an evil villain with the voice of Tom Baker sealed within in doesn't count.

"Watch, (shoves Florence who falls down), see I push them and they fall over!"

.oOHow am I managing to sing like this with a load of flowers in my mouth?

"Been demanding things of yourself in song?"

"DRAMATIC MUSIC, RUN!!!"

"I went there for a weekend once, it was really dull."

♪ Windy Miller
Windy Miller

Half a pile of corn ♪

"Except in August, August is a bit rubbish."

"You can find it wandering around somewhere."

"Meh, I see blue cats everyday. It's the drugs you see, they make me see things like that."

"All that name has got going for it is some nice alliteration."

"Oh come on, I can a very good Tony Blair voice."

Because you see, there aren't any hotels in this world...in fact that aren't even that many buildings in general.

Yes he has plenty of room because he lives outside!!!

Why do I get the feeling that the narrator is going to sing again under the pretence that it's the characters singing?

"Oh you might want to evict the cuckoo clock at some point."

"With an attractive lady cat for company."

Well you see Florence, when a mummy blue cat and a daddy blue cat love each other very much...

She wondered if she should vote Conservative at the next election

Yes, but it was just the dramatic music. Ignore it and go back to sleep.

.oO Why I am saying all this out loud?

and now it's Sleeping Beauty

If you're two beings obsessed with the colour blue why is your headquaters in a pink building?

"I've been revising my history for days.

"It's a maths test."

"Oh b*gger!"

"You won't be able to get into university."

Wait...what's a death threat doing in the Magic Rounbabout?

see, this is why this plot wouldn't work with a dog...they're colourblind!

Hary Potter and the Deathly Hallows

"Hurray for genetic engineering!"

Wait...how exactly can a disembodied voice have a colour?

Hey, I like green!

I'm guessing the Blue Voice's favourite band is the Blue Man Group, and her favourite TV show is probably the Smurfs

Oh I dunno, its probably orange!

WHAT THE F*** IS THAT!?

Oh you bet I'm f***ing frightend

"If you don't manage to become king Buxton, you could always start presenting the Sky at Night."

Getting a bit over ambitious there aren't you

It seems they decided to throw Doctor Frankenstein into this thing!

So the Blue Voice takes the Blue Peter approach to making armies

"Yes I'm sorry I put the conveyor belt right across the middle of the room with no way of getting round it, that really was silly of me."

Wait, that's not blue BURN IT!

"How did that happen?"

Shouldn't that red carpet be blue?

So for the time being, just this room

See, this is why we should vote for kings!

Not only is this cat blue, he can also levitate!

They wanted him to do a drum solo but he prefered the piano

"Only the king may dance."

And he loses his balance, falls off and breaks his back

Well at least this villainous dictator admits that he's evil

Yes, we get it you're the king!

"So don't destroy any of this red furniture or my crown."

"Because this is a kids movie so we can't kill anyone."

How can you be sure he's the best, he's barely been king for five minutes!

"Man I thump hard!"

"...to get ourselves a haircut!"

"You're not implying that the dog and the cat might be gay are you Brian?"

Which as you can imagine isn't very easy when you don't have hands.

"An explosion in a blue paint factory."

"That's because I can't!"

"I hope you don't mind me leaving a slime trail on your canvas."

"I need to make smarter friends."

Since when do snails have teeth?

You're an idiot

.oO Oh I should do Shakespeare one day

"But unfortunately I lost my copy of the script!"

"and Brian."

"He's probably going to tear it up to lay down a patio!"

"Trouble is, I don't have any hands so one of you will have to do it for me while I dictate."

"Someone has to be dotty in this place."

"Didn't I ever tell you about my secret stash of W.M.Ds?"

and because he's a cat, he can't get down!

"Oh wait, I said that bit already!"

Buxton's colour also caused him to be rejected from RADA

"Here I match some of the scenery."

"You damn racist!"

"Hello, remember us?"

"I'm being chased by weird boingy noises!"

"I can't find it now, I'm too busy taking a wizz behind this tree!"

"What did you say Buxton?"

"Oh er...nothing."

Oh god not this bit again!

"You are all tone death."

An entire army of siamese triplets

.oO Maybe I should recruit some Blue Meanies into my army instead of those weird toilet roll things

He's the leader because there's only one of him

"AAAAHHH TENTACLE RAPE!!"

"Ha, we get the easy one!"

The Blue soldiers also double as wrapping paper

"Um...I'm not holding onto you."

Erm...what?

"Wow, that guy must have the srongest hair in the world!"

"He's in his dressing room."

"Well I would if they had guts, I mean why would a load of toilet roll men have guts?"

"By the way, do you by any chance have a spare brain I could borrow?"

Captured: verb (used with object)

To take by force or stratagem; take prisoner; seize: "The police captured the burglar."

"Which isn't surprising considering this thing was originally made by the French."

"I knew I shouldn't have purchased those GM Crops."

Fortunately I don't eat salad so I'll be fine.

"That and I don't want to get sued if you end up with food poisoning."

Well at least he didn't say, "Today the garden, tomorrow the world."

I question the chaining up of Zebedee, I don't think that'll hold him for very long

"You see, as a villain I need a moustache, otherwise I've nothing to twirl. I could use my whiskers of course but it doesn't have quite the same effect."

"And no I don't know which is which so don't bother asking."

King Buxton's reign would last until his defeat in the battle against Roadblock

"I heard that Buxton."

.oO Now, how do I get rid of a disembodied voice anyway?

"ACK I swollowed some of it!"

"HAIL ILPALAZZO!!"

Well at least he didn't have to go through the room with all the masks

Dougal's other potential aliases included Lord Tiwas, The Grand Duke Swap Shop or The Minister of Mayhem

"Well really it's because some moron left a great big trap door in my path!"

"Despite the fact that I've been king for barely two hours."

"And replace that red curtain with a blue one while you're at it."

.oO Who am I talking too?

"He also started to wonder, where exactly did Buxton find the time to collect all this sugar, did he really collect it just on the off chance that Dougal would sneak in in disguise and needed a way of finding him out?"

Rather than Blue Peter the 50 year old kids show

"I should've done the sensible thing and got myself hooked on cocain instead!"

"You're never going to get the part of Hamlet, ever!"

.oO When did I weigh all of this?

What, all of it?

"He doesn't like being stood on."

"And no, you don't get to vote for him."

"Has someone farted in here?"

"Especially if you're into that sort of thing."

"And yet so far I have done practically nothing as King except order my army to capture everybody."

Must be singing about the ET Atari game

Well either a dream or a drug trip

Yeah, keep telling yourself that, pile on the false reasurance.

"I mean we've already tried a round of eye spy and that lasted for about 10 minutes."

"We could try charades."

"And yes that includes my friends."

YOU LOST THE GAME

Okay, it seems that the man on a spring has his tear ducts in the center of his eyes...in fact, it might just be one weirdly shaped eye with two pupils!

"Well I admit I was wrong about the world being flat but nobodies perfect."

Oh that's nice Dougal, what a great heroic friend you are!

No

Wait...did Buxton just call Dougal "dear"?

And that's the most creative insult he can think of

"You can mock David Cameron, but you are absoultely forbidden from mocking Blue Peter."

"I didn't vote for him."

Dougal should consider getting a job in the room with the scary masks

"Then again, considering that I'm the hero in disguise that's rather easy."

I sense Ho Yay

The Blue Voice likes her man love!

Oh, so the disembodied voice that could potentially be everywhere hasn't been paying attention to what's been going on for a while.

"He's my Primeminister, not your's, you can't have him, he's all mine!"

"I shall say this only once."

And suddenly we slip back into the original French version.

"Yes, we only need helmets, the rest of the space suit would just be uneccassary baggage."

THUNDERBIRDS ARE GO

.oO Blimey I'm cross!

Stanley Kubrick and Arthur C. Clarke


PRESENT


DOUGAL AND THE BLUE CAT

"Oh wait, that's Mars, YOUR MAJESTY WE'RE GOING THE WORNG WAY!"

"Hi"

"Shame I stole it."

"Oh wait, I don't have hands so I can't."

"And what a horrible colour."

Oh so that's how NASA found it.

Congratulations Dougal, not only have you found water on the Moon you have also contaminated it with blue paint.

"You'll 'ave 'ad your tea."

Yes folks, something you thought you'd never see...a fight scene in the Magic Roundabout!

My moneys on the cat

So a fight somehow manages to knock the spaceship out of the Moon's gravity, yeah that makes sense.

Wait...that's not Earth

Yeah, a parachute in open space that'll work

Wait, how'd the rocket get back her so quickly?

Well no not really

"Look all I did was get distracted from painting the moon because I suddenly got into a fight!"

THE BLUE VOICE IS P*SSED

"We're over here where you left us!"

.oO Good grief this rabbit is heavy!

"My trading card collection!"

"Hmm...maybe getting a cat to do my dirty work wasn't such as good idea, maybe next time I'll make a member of the Blue Man Group king, or maybe a Smurt...or how about one of the Na'vi."

"Ow and now a building's fallen on me, this just keeps getting better and better!"

And since there was no sign of a night we can only assume that all that happened within a single day.

"Oh we nailed him to a cross next to Eric Idle."

"No, wait, that wasn't help at all, he just ate everything!"

"I even had a song about how evil I am."

Now how the hell did that happen?

Yeah, because they're really going to kill someone in the Magic Roundabout!

Show off

"And don't ask me how I did that because I have absolutely no idea."

And thus round 2 begins.

Which has not in any way demonstrated any magic at all....ever.

Capped by KKDW
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