The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus - part 1

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Rankin Bass's The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus

(AKA: The really weird one you spent the '90s wondering if you'd imagined.)

Santa... there's a radio.

Original soundtrack available on 5¼-inch disk.

Being a Tale
of
Conquests Most Varied
and
Licentious

"Except maybe tits."

"Now we're talking tits."

The Persians?

"The BBC Stereophonic Workshop. They're here!"

First name: French

"...use contractions at random, whether it's logical to or it is not."

"Got lucky, to be fair..."

"Moo."

Kill it slowly.

"...and your tight little rack."

"Moo!"

** Zerline should not be taken without a prescription. Ask your health care provider if Zerline is right for you.

"STARRING" THE "TALENTS" OF
(IN ORDER OF OBSCURITY)

AKA
NEARLY THE ENTIRE CAST OF "THUNDERCATS"

I can't imagine why this song never caught on as a holiday classic.

*squik*... *squik*... *squik*

$30 if you off Tingler next.

Ooh. Snub!

Has any author ever been responsible for one Oscar winner and as big a pile of cinematic crap as L. Frank Baum?

Has any author ever been responsible for one Oscar winner and as big a pile of cinematic crap as L. Frank Baum?

Michael Crichton? Point taken.

Now they know a thing or two about "wood" imps.

"Whatever the f*ck they are."

"One of you will betray me..."

"Hang on. Just a few more credits here, I guess."

Well... bought.

[Evil Harpsichord]

"Just one. We don't have a Scrooge-sized intervention in our budget this year."

Mother Theresa?

"That you stop breaking wind."

"Ni!"

"NI! Ni."

*...everyone busts out laughing*

"Peas and carrots, Rankin Bass..."
"Peas and carrots, Rankin Bass..."
"Peas and carrots, Rankin Bass..."
"Peas and carrots, Rankin Bass..."

Start at Tingler's death.

"F*** you."

That's not Jennifer Connelly.

Buckle in kids -- we're retconning the hell out of the Rankin/Bassverse.

"Unfortunately, lions can't talk."

[Pause for laugh]

"Annoying."

Not really a direct answer to the question.

No elf sex? The internet is not going to like this.

"Noooooot given to fornicate/
By some asshole's decreeeeee!"

Ignoring the bizarre musical number momentarily, when did the immortal leaders all become pixies?

.
o
O
(God... dad... just stop)

"To drink one's lymphatic fluid..."

"Nuh? Derr... Whuz'appening?"

"Start the car."

Shouldn't something comical or entertaining have happened by now?

'Til the laaaast douche is bagged...

'Til the laaaast douche is bagged...
'Til the worrrrrrst Disney sequel...

'Til the laaaast douche is bagged...
'Til the worrrrrrst Disney sequel...
'Til the plotttttttt goes somewhere...

"While waiting and being silent, I must engage in some redundant exposition relating information still fresh in the views' minds."

Oh my god, they're eternally teenagers.

Hey! What happened to remaining silent?!

Not the first dumb teenager to have this thought.

"My wooooooorld is beginning today-
Wait, that's wrong..."

"...in the crisper."

So, Green Teen Fairy Queen: 1, Lion: 0

"That sh*tty music."

"I wet myself again."

Imagine what you have to pay for a knockoff David Ogden Stiers.

She looks fine.

"Whaaaat? Speak up! This ain't whispering jimmies."

"It happens every week."

"Why doesn't anyone carry Collier's Weekly anymore?"

Impulse to penance in exactly one minute.

"I'm open."

Sheigra's awfully lo-fi.

"Taste blood? Yes, I think you do deserve that."

Nor anyone else, for that matter.

"And Prohibition is the law!"

The Sultan of Agrabah Loophole

"I'd say shut your fat trap, Sugar Plum Barbie."

"You shall be, the Fellowship of the..."

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