Sunday, December 4, 2011

The Adventure of the Wrong Santa Claus

PH-hBIyhkGE
You need Flash player 8+ and JavaScript enabled to view this video.
This is another one of Edison's propaganda pieces against Tesla, isn't it?
And see images from the film in the current Weekly Prose.
"I thought you said we were getting a Barrymore for this movie!"
"Yeah, abou that..."
"Can this wait? I'm still getting the script from the Pictoral Review..."
"Shoot, I just cut my unemployment check in half!"
"a Christmas pasty?" So all their kids get for the holidays is a pie shell filled with meat and veggies?
"Don't read over my shoulder! You know that makes me nervous!"
"Well, of course I'll help them out! Who better to play Santa Claus than a skinny, greasy-haired dandy?"
"Have fun, I'm sick of slaving away for your 1% ass so I'm joining the Occupy Wall Street community..."
"Welcome to Shelves O' Random Crap, what can I help you find today?"
"S'alright?"
"S'alright."
"Whoops, this is our King Lear costume. Let me go back and get the Santa coat..."
"While I'm here, I'd also like to buy a washbasin and a lynched drum..."
"Ah, this must be Mrs. Randall's home in Oakville. See, it pays to read the title cards."
And he's greeted by the cast of Gosford Park!
Dammit, I HATE it when a movie drags the credits out through the entire opening sequence...
"Say the secret word and the main entree comes down."
"Now remember, Jimmy, what happened behind the tool shed is our little secret, right?"
Edision Pictures presents "A Date With Your Family"
No, that entrance wasn't suspicious enough. Try it with a black cloak and a mustache to twirl...
"Anybody seen my hat?"
"And then we got to go on a field trip to the textile mill to see the poor children get amputated! Yay!"
"Well, I'll just go asex-SIST! Assist your wife..."
"I'm not a burglar, I'm just looking for my hat. It was a nice hat, too..."
"Nice! Is the burglar over in the corner new, too?"
"Don't use the wardrobe, though. One of the kids went in there last week and came out claiming to be king of somewhere-or-another..."
"Now remember, Santa has to tell me I've been a VERY naughty girl..."
That's not Grace Randall, it's Amelia Earhart!
"He's going to be Santa? Well, I've been a VERY--"
"Wait your turn!"
"Look, I paid for the hour, I get first dibsies!"
"Dammit, that hat has to be around here somewhere..."
"I know, I'll hide in the garderobe!"
"Yyyyyyyep, still poncy!"
"Let's see, the g-string and the bit with the tassels should go on first..."
NO ONE will be seated during the thrilling unpacking scene!
"There's the corset, and the wedding veil, that should be everything..."
"Sit down, children, and I'll tell you all about my exciting adventures with Gertrude Stein..."
Dammit, they sold him the Dumbledore costume by mistake!
"Let's see...um, ho-ho-ha! No, that's not right, shoot..."
Why is that one kid wearing an origami swan on her head?
"There, now I can go back to finding my hat in peace!"
"I'll take this basket of goodies to Grandma's while I'm at it..."
"I'm not sure what she proposed is anatomically possible..."
"And this is how I danced with Alice B. Toklas..."
"Hmmm, maybe my hat is in one of these presents..."
The monster! He's stealing their Swiss Colony gift boxes!
Well, when you have cookies at every stop om your route, you've got to expect a sugar crash...
o/...You're a mean one, Mr. Generic Silent Film Villain...o/
"I'll take this fruitcake too, in case I need a weapon in a pinch..."
"Ooooh man, whatever was in that eggnog was good shit!"
"This bites. I can't wait until they invent the 24-hour Christmas Story marathon..."
"I guess the intertitle was right; I AM locked in! Shoot..."
"I've got it! I'll write a sign that says 'Octavius miraculously escapes' and hold it up to the camera!"
Aaaand back to the incestuous dance party.
"Are you okay? We're still on for later, right?"
"God dammit, the dog piddled on the tree again!"
"Um, yeah, the dog did that..."
As a general rule, don't trust people who refer to themselves in the third person...
"Fear not, madam, I shall deploy my powers of dandydom and save the day!"
"I've got to find a bell to ring on a street corner, fast!"
Christmas comes to the set of Gangs of New York.
"Now to hitch a ride to the set of The Great Train Robbery, and I'm in the clear!"
D.W. Griffith's The Polar Express
He's a quick change artist!
Oh, this is the scene where he throws the Nazis off and then turns to the crowd and says "No ticket," right?
Just take our workd for it. There was an attempt, and it failed.
o/...I hear the sleigh a-comin', it's rollin' round the bend...o/
This was before they had lighting in movies...
"You gotta help me! Pitch is after me again and this time he's got a gun!"
This is going to end with one of them screaming "Shoot us both, Rudolph, it's the only way!" isn't it?
"Look, can't I just eat my Jimmy John's in peace?"
"Oh you are SO getting a lump of coal and a switch this year!"
He's trying to figure out a discreet way to ask for the latest issue of Hot Elf Girls...
"Hey, that was my lunch! First my hat, now this!"
"Come on, at least let me keep the bag of Doritos!"
Solomon would have just ordered the gift basket to be cut in two.
"The proper term is breast, thank you very much!"
Oh come on, all he did was ride down to the next train station and filched the guy's basket when he was distracted by the nudie mags. That's not exactly Sherlock Holmes-level detective work there...
"Christmas is saved! I've brought Quizno's for everybody!"
And after all this, that poor guy never found his hat. Well, at least he got a nice Santa costume out of the deal...
The first Bratz dolls were very different.
"And for you, young man, a replica of Leonardo's Horse!
"Okay, who ordered the Classic Italian on wheat?"
"It's toasted and everything! You shouldn't have!"
"Thanks, this is really good for my carpal tunnel..."
"Are you going to sex her up? Can we watch?"
"No, it's okay, go on with what you were doing. It's not anything we haven't seen a million times at the nickelodeon anyway..."
Damn, usually you have to wait to have your own kids to have this problem...
"If Grace won't let you do her up the backdoor, I'd be more than willing..."
"Don't worry, this will be much easier when they invent the Internet."
"Fifty cents says he fists her."
A fine wood varnish!
Helena Bonham-Carter in her private boudoir.
"Now, where were we? Ah yes, I was holding your arm out in a stiff passionless manner, like so...
Well, there was that incident with Psyche, but we'll let that pass.
"God dammit, you little pervs! Go watch Charlie Brown or something!"
These two kids later went on to write the Hays Code.
"There's a dime, it should keep you in candy for a month. Now beat it!"
A child's first extortion racket is such a magical thing...
"Dammit, who didn't put up the fourth wall?"
Hey, you've got the paragraph markings enabled on your credits!


Capped by TheCarolingDiva
YouTubeCapper.Blogspot.com
Posted by at No comments:
Labels: , ,

Thursday, November 17, 2011

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic - Episode 1: Friendship is Magic (Part 1) Captioned

c2-eVND0QEA
You need Flash player 8+ and JavaScript enabled to view this video.
...in a galaxy far far away.
And considering this meant they had to rotate the planet that's actually pretty impressive.
She decided to make nocturnalism mandatory, anyone not awake at night would be executed.
So now it's Rock-A-Doodle with ponies.
With their powers combined they summoned Equestria's greatest champion, Captain Planet.
"You're not going to start making vampire jokes about me are you?"
"Nerd!"
"Man if only we had the internet in this world, I could easily look it up on Wikipedia."
Well they've got to compensate for the lack of hands somehow.
See also: McGuffin/Plot Device, Chekhov's Gun, contrast 'Deus Ex Machina'.
And now you've just broken her spine, well done Spike.
"What you mean that one episode of Thunderbirds where they get stuck on a mono-rail and..."
"No Spike!"
↑
FORESHADOWING!
And those two words are suddenly cool again.
That must be really unpleasant!
"Try some dusty new books instead."
"In order to subtly ensure the defeat of your first villain."
You haven't read the script for episode two have you Twilight.
"This one is the most popular character in the show, at least make freinds with her."
"I'm a pony in a cowboy hat, what could possibly be more awesome then that?"
"I hope you don't mind if I apply the blur filter to your right foreleg."
"The apple family is almost as large as the cast of Bleach."
And now for the only members of the family that'll actually matter...
Was she always called that, even when she was young?
Mother Nature went "Sod it" a long time ago and left the pony population to deal with the weather themselves.
It wasn't that funny!
"How'd you guess?"
"No, just 'a' Wonderbolts, didn't you hear they come in six-packs."
And thus we have an instant videogame level.
"I am Rainbow Dash, and I am awesome!"
And how does she know it doesn't normally look like that?
You wouldn't want to go to Canterlot, it is a silly place.
.oO And I thought I had trouble socialising!
"And please don't let the first impression fool you, I can be kinda badass when I need to be."
"Well that was the most awkward moment of my life."
Says the talking pony.
"So what were you saying about crazy ponies?"
"This means I have to socialise doesn't it."
And fans are too busy looking at a background pony to pay attention to this scene.
Rapidash?
I know how you feel Twilight.
So do ponies just not know what 'showing up late' is?
"Uh...line."
And after that dramatic cliffhanger here's some happy cheerful music.
Posted by at No comments:
Labels: ,

Episode 2: Just a Spider

BvJQ4Qh44HU
You need Flash player 8+ and JavaScript enabled to view this video.
"On day I'll learn not to do that."
"I'm sorry, but if you can't pay the rent you can't stay."
Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of spiders? The Shadow knows.
And you just killed the title character.
I see the kid has turned evil now.
"Hey kid, what do you think of my website?"
"At least you understand me twin brother."
How long was the kid waiting under there to do that, and how did he know the spider was in position for the trap to be sprung?
It's the spiders ghost!
Seriously, the kid's just being a bully now!
And unfortunately they don't make spider sized razors
How did he manage to get over his arachnophobia from the first episode?
(Jaws theme plays)
I never thought I'd see a spider doing puppy dog eyes!
"DIE!"
"I'll get you next time spider... next time."
Posted by at No comments:
Labels: , ,

Friday, November 4, 2011

Legend of the Titanic, Part 9

J55h6gJmRgA
You need Flash player 8+ and JavaScript enabled to view this video.
"Quickly, to the impossibly contrived fairy-tale ending!"
.oO(I don't know why they're following me, I'm just as lost as they are!)
"We're going nowhere, but dammit we'll get there on time!"
Didn't your mom ever tell you that's a good way to lose a limb?
That's nice--what exactly did you do again?
The Green Goblin's going to dangle a bus full of kids from here later...
"Damn rush hour traffic!"
"Well, that was our honeymoon. What did you think?"
The score valiantly keeps up its attempt to convince us this is epic.
A 21-blowhole salute!
"Yeah, that's right, we can fly too. Now who's the dominant species, you glorified monkeys?"
They later migrated south and founded Marineland of Florida.
"You will all now worship at my unholy altar!"
Um...yay?
"Sorry, but the price for saving the ship is that I get to feast on your still-beating hearts. No hard feelings."
"Mmm, needs marinara sauce."
.oO(I'll say whatever it takes to keep this hellbeast from devouring me...)
"I owe it all to Satan."
....What?
It's a dumb kid's movie--nothing is impossible just so long as we don't have to confront children with the unpleasant truth of inevitable mortality!
"Later, later...."
The NES Combo!
It's like the end of Mamma Mia!, only I feel an even stronger urge to poke my eardrums and eyes out.
Amazing how the papers of the day completely glossed over the spontaneous marine show in the New York Harbor...
Tentacles just killed ten people with his random flailing around, but hey, at least he's having a good time!
"How come the cheap bastard never sent us a Christmas card?"
"Plus he forged his visa."
Isn't "famous soccer coach" an oxymoron?
Sure, let's go with that.
"Fortunately we have Captain Planet on our side!"
"Hey, don't interrupt while I'm haranguing!"
"Is it true you wound up in Atlantis in an even dumber movie than this one?"
Wait, you're saying this entire story might have been lies dreamed up by a deranged, aging mind? That...makes sense, actually.
"I still have no idea when, why, or how I supposedly fell in love with you."
Hurry, let's sneak out before the movie thinks of something else to do!
So the last two minutes of the film is a pan out?
Oh, I see, it's like bookends. Pointless, self-indulgent bookends.
"Wait, wait, where are you going? Don't you want to hear what happened next?
No, Kim is NOT.
This movie isn't in Spain, it's in agony!
John's got a nice mezzo-soprano voice here.
Wow, the entire EU pitched in on this abortion...
Their names have been changed to protect their identities.
o/...This movie didn't make sense to me either....o/
Injured in an accident? Call the law offices of Balnarves, Cheetman, and Davidsen...
Spider-Man was involved in this movie? What till Jameson hears of this...
Wait, costume designers on an animated movie?
So after being dragged to Hell, Don Juan was forced to star in this movie? Makes sense.
Be happy, Kander and Ebb. At least nobody's done a goofy animated version of Cabaret...yet.
Whatever you do, do NOT ask Sean about the family recipe for meat pies.
Yes, it's a crappy movie, but it's crappy in surround sound!
So, um, we can go now? Please?
Look, lady, could you wrap it up? We ran out of credits!
Listen, I'm just going to head on out. Turn the lights off when you're done, okay?


Capped by TheDiva
YouTubeCapper.Blogspot.com
Posted by at No comments:
Labels: , ,

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Legend of the Titanic, Part 8

lDwqUvI6VVs
You need Flash player 8+ and JavaScript enabled to view this video.
The Titanic is sinking, but the rave goes on.
"Let's get out of here before we trigger someone's epilepsy!"
Well, nothing else in this movie has obeyed any realistic or logical expectations, so why should water?
"It's okay, I'm only here to help and to violate your schoolgirls!"
"They want to know if they should send word to your next-of-kin..."
Yes, I'm sure the dolphins have several spare lifeboats and an efficient means of staving off hypothermia handy...
"He's a nice demonic creature from the pits of your nightmares!"
What are they going to do, offer whale-watching tours for the survivors?
"Damn, all those human sacrifices are giving me constipation!"
"We are the souls of men who drowned at sea, after all, and your prospects aren't looking so hot..."
"I just did what any horrible monstrosity with a childlike mind would have done..."
What happened to his voice? Is he going through puberty?
Suuuure, blame the humans, everybody else does...
"Well, THAT was random."
Why did the entirely aquatic creature need to take a breath and hold it before...you know what, it's your universe, you make the rules up as you go along all you like.
Wow, good thing the dog secretes a powerful adhesive from its paws.
There would have been enough room for everybody on the lifeboats, but NOOOOOOO, the band had to hog one all to themselves!
Regretful? Pensive? Bored? WHAT?
"Now the slaughter can begin!"
"Captain Stubing is still on board!"
What about dying because of stupid naval custom? That's still on, right?
"No please, I'm not a pubescent Japanese girl!"
This is the weirdest Sea World show EVER!
...What are they kneeling on?
Rodenta obvious
"At least we shall die together, person I just met yesterday and have spoken less than ten lines of dialogue to..."
"The mice kind of freak me out, though."
"We should have waited until the water was a lot closeeeeeeeeeer...."
"Oh no, I suddenly forgot how to hold my breath!"
Baby Beluga has come to save them!
"We did absolutely nothing useful, but we did it!"
Maybe the mystical moon magic allows their clothes and hair to remain dry, too...
.oO(And I sunk her but good!)
"Mine! Mine! Mine!"
"Well, I guess we'd better decide who we're going to eat first..."
The Castaway Olympics!
And they promptly capsize the lifeboats and drown.
"Kiss me, you fool!"
A moment of silence for the token redshirts.
Well, at least something good came out of this tragedy.
Don't cry, he's in the Dungeon Dimensions now...
Elton John's not going to rewrite "Candle in the Wind" again, is he?
He died the way he always wanted to: wreaking crushing death with his hideous arms.
WHAT? Oh God dammit, I forgot this was a bowdlerized kid's movie!
"Yay, the survivors are here! Now the over-publicized inquest can begin!"
New Yorkers celebrate by throwing more trash into the harbor!
"Animated film of Titanic sinking spits on the memories of the dead! Extra! Extra!"
"Don't ask us what the sister's name is, we're pretty sure the writers never gave her one!"
"Sorry, nameless sister, but you're the least relevant character which makes you first on the menu."
"Okay, maybe there are one or two flaws in this plan..."
Good thing there was a notary public on the ship.
I...guess that counts for irony? I guess?
"Villains get written off in half-assed manner! Read all about it!"
"Also, full color pictures are suddenly commonplace in the early twentieth century!"
Wait, so a Gypsy and a woman who's probably Anglican are getting married in a Roman Catholic church? The ecumenical movement goes back much farther than I realized...
Just because we're on land doesn't mean we still can't use gratuitous CGI!
Whoops, looks like she mixed up the dress with the wedding cake...
The mice were forced to use the leper's window...
Did they sell off the pews to pay for the wedding, or what?
Oh hey, it's...that girl mouse we haven't seen since the first scene!
Father Santa Claus!
Wow, you could store small curios on that decolletage...
"I love you, Sarah."
"Stella."
"Look, you're an extraneous character, you should be thankful they gave you a name."
Seventies light rock of the early 20th century!
They're stoned! That explains everything.
"Hurry, we're almost late for the garter toss!"
"There's a sequel to this movie, and it's even stupider than this one!"
"I'll meet you round the back with the cash in ten minutes."
Cinderella sold that ride after the second kid so she could buy an SUV.
"A dog! We've never seen the like before!"
"The honeymoon just took a VERY interesting turn..."
"No, Smiley, no!....Well, there goes the security deposit on this thing."
"I fart in your general direction!"
"I should have warned you, we'll have an 'open' marriage..."
Why is he dressed like an alternative lifestyle gendarme?


Capped by TheDiva
YouTubeCapper.Blogspot.com
Posted by at No comments:
Labels: , ,

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Start & End Of The Greatest BBC Children's Video Ever! VHS

n-0IFKU2emY
You need Flash player 8+ and JavaScript enabled to view this video.
That is until we release the NEXT greatest children's video ever.
Ah, VHS, how I have missed thee.
Hello. Anyone home?
And several YouTube users wonder what 'Video Recorder's Tracking control' means.
But since this is on YouTube, you've clearly ignored this.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!
.oO I really should stop doing this, it's not good for my groin.
His house used to belong to Wallace and Grommit.
"I meant to do that."
"Here's your daily cocaine supply Fireman Sam."
Man that title screen is tacky!
Sorry folks, you'll have to buy the video if you want tos see the whole episode.
This music is actually being sung in Pingu's native language.
How many of these 5 minute episode stop motion TV shows where there back then?
"You talk funny."
Hello again old friend.
"Somehow I survived that."
Impressive, but how does he get out again?
Remember this epiosde folks? It was on YouTube but not anymore.
Wait...that wasn't the song for this episode.
A title that's almost has hard to make a theme song around as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
So, is this the whole title sequence? Just kid wandering around and pointing out his wellies?
"I wish for some backgrounds for this title sequence."
Hey I remember this episode!
Including the teachers?
Yes William, we get it, you have wellies.
And now for the Master's favourite program.
Justin Bieber will be launched next week.
Finally, something on this tape I didn't watch as a kid.
Your singing is terrible, please stop.
When visiting Toyland be sure to indulge in a spot of fishing by Creator Credit Bridge.
And according to Alan Moore, Frankenstein's monster.
Thank you Noddy, your theme song is now stuck in my head.
Of course now this means we're going to have to listen to the song again as the end credits roll.
"Traitor!"
Noddy's car originated in the Herbie universe.
"...Jack the Ripper was waiting for his next victim."
"...there were the bodies of Health and Safety inspectors who had fallen down the dark dark stairs and broken their necks."
"I wonder if some space travellers will shoot their ship into my eye again."
I think I only ever saw one episode of this show.
So the entire premise of this show is based on the fact that this guy lived in a time before shaving was invented.
And I think this might be the episode I saw!
Why are nearly all of these episode I remember watching? Can't we have more then one that I havne't seen, please!
Sorry about the illegible credits folks, please enjoy the cute baby polar bear in the background.
Wait...you're NOT going to show us the title sequence. What a rip off!
And now to sit back and enjoy this wonderful music.
And why isn't this show on DVD yet (and the German one doesn't count!)?
Posted by at No comments:
Labels: ,

Turbo Charged Thunderbirds - Martian Invasion (Part 2 of 2)

k7Sk6itJ7f4
You need Flash player 8+ and JavaScript enabled to view this video.
And we're back...but why are you still watching?
Camera courtesy of Compensating for Something Enterprises
"Instead he'll be mad at me for not reporting it."
Well congratulations background music. You have somehow managed to make the arrival of a Thunderbird boring.
"Only really bland background music."
"And I'm talking about Turbocharged Thunderbirds here."
He's reading the viewing figures for this show.
"Drat, they drowned anyway."
"You don't need to use the radio Hood, I'm up here."
"Look folks, I know this show is terrible. Just please bear with us, it'll be over soon."
And why did we just have an establishing shot of Thunderbird 2 before cutting to inside Thunderbird 1?
"We must destroy any copy of Turbocharged Thunderbirds."
And I can't stand you.
Thunderbird 1 can travel at Mach 22.6, face it the Hood doesn't have a chance of getting away.
"SUCKERS!"
Please stop randomly cutting back to the tiresome twosome.
Well now that's over, here's a random explosion for your enjoyment.
Our heroes ladies and gentlemen.
Guy wise enough to have his name removed from the credits:
GERRY ANDERSON
Right there you can see where Gerry's name was.
But screw that music, what we've got is much better.
Pay attention folks, these are the people we have to blame for this.
Posted by at No comments:
Labels: , ,

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Legend of the Titanic, Part 7

hcj_d8NpsRY
You need Flash player 8+ and JavaScript enabled to view this video.
"It is soaked in the blood of my enemies!"
No, please, no close-ups of it...
Look, YOU were on the sidelines cheering him, why didn't you say something before now?
"I get to slaughter innocents too? This day just keeps getting better and better!"
"Now go to your room and no more ice-throwing for a month!"
"Careful, lads, these waters are rumored to be the home of evil dog-octopus demons..."
So, that's your plan. Sink an entire cruise ship just to kill one guy, then make your escape on a minimally provisioned life raft while you hope none of the several people who can connect you to the crime make it out alive. I don't think you thought this out very well....
"Eh, it's not like we had sufficient lifeboats anyway. What's one more or less?"
"And try to get some video of it. We can go viral on YouTube with these morons!"
What exactly ARE those things, anyway? Every cartoon ship has them but I never quite knew what they were...
"Look, I can see into the dining room!...Ah shoot, they WOULD be serving the lobster tail tonight, wouldn't ya know?"
Special appearance by the opening credit music from The Final Sacrifice.
Now see, this is why you want to do routine maintenance on your cruise ship before a trans-continental voyage.
Of course, if they hadn't been aiming at the ONE ICEBERG IN THE OCEAN for the past ten minutes, this wouldn't have happened...
Ew, he's starting to melt!
They shouldn't have christened the rudder with a blood offering...
"The suspense is constipating me!"
Well, good job dolphins. Now instead of hitting the iceberg dead-on and minimizing the damage, the ship has taken a fatal blow along the side which will send most of its passengers to their icy deaths.
o/...Dear Liza, dear Liza...o/
Well, free snow cones for the passengers!
Oh no, not...um, that guy...
"Named characters and animals first!"
"Good thing we packed several days early and had our life vests already on!"
"Don't panic, there's room for you...oh, you all know that's a big lie, so go on, push and shove to survive!"
"Never mind, we don't want to be saved!"
Now is no time to do the Monty Python "Battle of Pearl Harbor" sketch!
And they get stepped on, the end.
"That earring makes you look like a pansy!"
"Gee, thanks, I wouldn't have been able to figure that out without your help..."
Oh, just have everybody stand on the other side of the ship to balance it out; it'll be fine...
o/...Walk like a ship captain...o/
"Except the men and most of the steerage passengers, there's room for everyone!"
"And I'm REALLY fucking stoned right now!"
"Very well, sir, I'll send an SOS to the world."
"Not even my impenetrable brogue can help!"
"Only Aquaman can save us!"
"Who knew that destroying our only means of communication would be the doom of us?"
"It's not our fault! The talking dolphins made us do it!"
Anyone catch any of that? I think his brogue just broke.
Isn't drowning in the middle of the north Atlantic punishment enough? It's not like a good flogging will make their situation much worse...
"And the plot of Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End is convoluted enough as it is!"
"I give up, all these backgrounds look the same. It's like an old Doctor Who episode down here..."
"Everyone knows when there's a maritime emergency, you turn to the ship's cook!"
Just because it's a disaster doesn't mean it can't be fun!
"I threw up in my mouth a little!"
Next on Wipeout...
"No, I'm going to die on an hors d'oeuvres platter, the way I always wanted!"
They don't have a very good IT team on this ship...
Yeah, there's a lot of people with that problem these days...
"You mean a CQD?"
"Don't confuse the audience, Jones; anyone watching the talking dolphin movie isn't going to know jack about distress code history..."
The wires are getting shorter just to spite them now...
"I know we're in a hurry, but I can't work the telegraph without listening to some Lady Gaga..."
Mice conduct electricity? I suppose after you've sold people on magic tear-talking dolphins, evil ex-convict sharks, and horrible dog-octopus demons, anything is possible...
"Hmm, the telegraph seems extra squeaky today..."
"Don't worry, Camembert, we'll have a full buffet at your service just like you would have wanted..."
"Wherefore are thou Camembert?"
Hey, West Side Story!
...Cause, they're sharks, you see, and...oh, come on, you try coming up with better jokes after this movie broke your brain!
Tentacles was kind of a bust, why don't you try calling on Shub-Niggurath instead?
No, you can stay there in the all-concealing shadows for the rest of the movie; don't move on our account, please...
Even sharks know not to antagonize a cephalopod with 'roid rage.
Maybe if his head wasn't so freakishly malformed, he could swim instead of running on the ocean floor...
"And believe me, the view of you from this angle is NOT pretty!"
"Thanks, buddy. I'll make your favorite sacrifice when this is over!"
"Fine, we'll just swim back in ten minutes!"
"My hat doubles as a distress flare!"
Oh, NOW we're worried about exposing the secret society of mice to the world, are we?
Oh yeah, like the men in this movie have been any better. This is the first film I've seen where the entire cast is The Load.
"Don't worry, people, we have some deck chairs you can rearrange while you're waiting!"
Okay, the water's deliberately chasing them now...
"But I'm far to British to ever show it, pip-pip and wot!"
"Good thing the water isn't actually soaking into our clothing..."
[Ahnuld voice] GET TO DAH LIFEBOATS! [/Ahnuld voice]
So wait, the Duke can understand the mice, too?...You know what, any explanation would just make the movie longer so I'm going to let it slide.
"If you'd told me we were going to be drowning people I'd never have agreed to sink a ship!"
"There should be a light rail station somewhere around here..."
"Screw this women and children crap, I'm outta here!"
"Help me, I'm looking for the Mad Men set!"
"Summon the Dark One!"
He looks like an ottoman with a tumor on top.
Gaaah, cutsey angry face!
*screams, ducks*


Capped by TheDiva
YouTubeCapper.Blogspot.com
Posted by at No comments:
Labels: , ,

Friday, September 30, 2011

Legend of the Titanic, Part 6

Zw1GBczTJfo
You need Flash player 8+ and JavaScript enabled to view this video.
This week on Shark Tank...
Overly Literal Theater presents Ocean's Eleven
Why are they all wearing name tags?
"And I said we're sinking the Titanic, not the Poseidon!"
Sorry, what? I was distracted by your, um...pelvic fin...
"Unless they're going too fast to correct course in time, but what are the odds of that?"
"Because as we all know, large cruise ships can be easily redirected by the efforts of mid-size marine creatures!"
Seriously, wrap a towel around that thing! It's freaking me out...
Tentacles? Great, just when I think it can't get any worse it's turning into a hentai...
"Of course you do, but the audience doesn't!"
"Point taken."
"Dupe the Dope," the hit new reality series from FOX!
Did they think they were filming this for IMAX?
Well, enough of that scene...
"I'm sure if every stops brandishing their steak knives at each other, we can come to terms..."
The fiend! He's stealing all the Gideon Bibles from the staterooms!
"Phew! There's my exercise for the day!"
When you find a scene you like, movie, let us know...
Sebastian was wrong--life under the sea is pretty damn boring...
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHWHATTHEFUCKISTHAT?!?!?!
I would be too if I were talking to a genetic abomination.
"What? There are some good restaurants out here!"
"Well, mostly we want to know why he looks like a cross between Cthulhu and a Goof Troop extra on steroids..."
The cutesy kid voice just makes it worse, somehow.
Those arms...I may never eat calamari again...
This IS Hell, right? I mean, something like this couldn't exist except in the deepest pits of damnation...
Nice try, but the Octo-Dog has a creepier laugh.
*sobs* I want my mommy....
Really? You're talking to an overinflated balloon from the Hell Thanksgiving Day Parade, and you're worried about the sharks?
Hey hey, they prefer the term Orcinus-Americans, thankyouverymuch...
Of course, we all know how much ice is lying around on the bottom of the ocean...
Okay, you've proven you can toss giant rock crystals around, now let's try some actual ice...
Did he break it first?
Really isn't a whole lot going on in the mid-Atlantic trench today, is there?
"Must be my unholy pact with the Dark One."
Most movies can't sustain ice throwing as a central plot point for long. This movie, for example, can't do it at all.
"No, I'm too pretty for shark prison!"
"What's that, girl? Timmy's trapped in the old smokestack?"
"I have some doggie biscuits here...um, I wasn't eating them myself or anything; I was, uh, saving them for a friend..."
Wow, that dog sure loves his hardtack.
"Aww, isn't that cute, he's walking away with private correspondence!"
It's an ocean voyage and he STILL has to take the cat to the vet. Bummer.
So, does the cat actually do anything, or is it just there because evil people need to have a cat around for some reason?
Funny, that's also what the voice actors said on getting cast.
"Ha ha ha...take me now, you fierce beast!"
"Now leave me alone, I gotta smoke these Cubans before we make port..."
"Specifically this 'rape the manatees' clause..."
"I'm sure we can come to a betray--ah, I mean agreement there..."
"Gotta hurry, I don't want to miss Fallon..."
Too bad he drooled all over it...
"It says here that plastic water bottles cause breast cancer!"
"Now Your Grace, if you would kindly sit in the chair that's been pre-shackled for your convenience..."
"Wow, that was fast, you moved right with the cut there, I'm impressed..."
"All the random scribbles are in order, as you can plainly see..."
"You know, I'm starting to think you're not a very nice person..."
"No!"
"...Okay, that's all I got. You win."
"Fine, I'll sign them, just stop chewing the scenery like that!"
Wow, better hope it's not the turn-down service...
Come on, now is NOT the time for your kinky sex games!
"You too? I knew going on Evilmatch.com was a bad idea from the start..."
"We're already millionaires."
"Shut up, I'm gloating here!"
...."Yestament"?
"Let's see...'Mike Rotch.' HEY!"
"Well, it would have, just a few months down the road. More efficient this way, actually."
"We don't want to miss the Legends in Concert show..."
"Which I was already, come to think of it...eh, I just wanted one last chance to screw with you."
"If I could understand English, I'd know what's going on..."
It's a little known fact that the Titanic disaster also resulted in stronger leash laws.
"We won't be hanging with the nightmare creature too much longer, don't worry..."
Great, it's got the mumps now.
"We don't have hands."
"It's a figure of speech, all right?"
"But why would we have a figure of speech like that if we don't have hands?"
"SHUT UP!"
"Turns out nobody likes the new Facebook format."
Well, that would be a first in this movie.
Wow, my mistake, they do have hands. Must be some serious radioactive chemicals lying around this part of the ocean.
Well, having an eldrich abomination on your bodyguard staff would cut down on the number of attacks against you...
"Can I have rabbits too, George?"
That's not an iceberg, that's Caradhras!
"Hee hee, I'm going to crush your head like a grape!"
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
"This is the biggest piece of rock candy I've EVER seen!"
So, ice only floats when you want it to....


Capped by TheDiva
YouTubeCapper.Blogspot.com
Posted by at No comments:
Labels: , ,

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Hello! Project Egg Interview

Zj5PFNVk4aQ
You need Flash player 8+ and JavaScript enabled to view this video.
Auditions
When I was young I got a corpse sniffing dog.
Mom said I could earn extra money, but we never really found much. Except for that Philippino mob hit one time.
You f****** don't know what the f*** you're straight f****** dealing with.
I will straight f*** you up until you don't know your taint from the Pillsbury f****** doughboy.
You b****-a** c*** mongling ball-snorting p***-holes better step off before you're yelling, "Don't pop my a**!"
However, if my demands are not met, the consequences for you, your economy, and your very way of life will be incalculable.
I am not mad, but have been driven to this mad act by your myopic refusal to see reason. Join me in this bright future, or oppose me and meet your destruction!
But people don't realize that Alan Thicke is also a composer. How talented is he, right!?
Still Not Quite Human was really the apex of the trilogy. (Jay Underwood was so cute!) Who but Alan could have pulled off Dr. Jonas Carson a THIRD TIME?
My friend's turtle got gas, so we took it to the vet.
And he said it wasn't a turtle, it was a weasel. And we're like, if it's a weasel then why doesn't it have a shell?
Punch and kick are all in the mind. But they're also in the fist and the foot. Fortunately.
Head butt is in neither. Elbow -- that one's what you think.
When I'm ready, sensei will explain how that will stop an attacker from hitting me.
Charlie was deep in the wire, and we knew we'd only get one chance to break out of that sh**.
Ffolkes was holding his entrails in with a mess tin. A f****** mess tin. Whoever patched that bastard up should've got drinks and dinner first.
The kids at school always tease me because my mom is a giraffe.
Mom says being different is okay. As long as you're tall, and can eat leaves high up. She says she's disappointed in me too.
Hello? Who are all of you? I'm very frightened right now.
I was walking past a van. And now I'm here. I don't know where my family is. I'm not even sure what country I'm in. Please send help.
Salmon can have sex anywhere they want.
I mean think about that for a minute. I don't mean I want to have sex with a salmon, but...
Have you heard the Good News about Amway yet? F***!
Amway is not a multi-level marketing scam. It's a multi-layered investment sales organization! And that's way different!
Holy f***, are any of you as stoned as I am right now?
You ever look at your mouth? I mean like really look at your mouth, while you're talking? Look down at your mouth, right now. I'm serious. Say, "Blah blah blah."
No one happens to know a good lawyer, do they? It's important.
I don't want you to get the impression that I've done anything. But if you do know a good lawyer...
Last week my class voted me Most Likely to Be Mistakened for a Charlie Brown Character.
I guess it's funny, but I still feel like a ticking bomb of rage, ready to explode. Which must be what happened to Charlie Brown eventually, right?
And who could forget the climactic Russian Roulette scene from The Deer Hunter? Four bullets!
I can't even get through a movie unless it has at least one Russian Roulette scene. Hi Mom!
I'm sure you'll have some cosmic rationale.
But here you are in the ninth... two men out and three men on. Nowhere to look but inside... where we all respond to pressure. Pressure!
The thing that's really destroying this country? All the sex perverts!
What should the penalty for autoerotic asphyxiation be? Hang em! Deep throating? Weird stuff? What do you think? Hang the bastards!
As an earthling, I am very interested in this concept of "waffles."
Please convey me to some ordinary Earth form of waffle. I will gladly exchange up to five pieces of paper for them.
I don't understand -- why do they call it horse racing? The horses always win.
It's smart of those people to sit on the horse's back. Horses are a lot faster than men. But what they should do, is at the end they should lean out front and jump right off. You know, right before the finish line. Photo finish! Men win! Yay! You know?
I believe that you should speak. With. Punctuation.
Nothing. Contributes. More to verbal. Misunderstanding. Than missing verbal. Punctuation episodes.
I'm not wearing blush. I'm having a strong allergic reaction right now.
It might be the air up here. Let me check.
F*** . . .
That didn't seem to help either. It might be this fabric. I'm kind of allergic to everything. Listen, I'd better go find my rescue inhaler. You guys all just chill. I'll be right back, and we can start over. Okay? Okay!
Urban Segway tours. Have you seen these? I have a tip.
Loosen the couplings with a #5 torx screwdriver. The second that thing gets up a good head of steam, the wheels come right off. Welcome to my crib, a**holes.
If you experience an erection lasting more than eighteen hours, it may be necessary to consult with a pharmacist -- even a recreational pharmacist -- like me.
Allow me now to demonstrate the pain of an overlong erection... Interpretively.
While it may seem like fun to sport a multi-hour erection on a bus, plane, or the civic club of your choice, please use caution and remember this: The penis is not a sundial.
There are many popular bands in the world today now.
Manifold, as one of these current bands, distinguishes itself with the use of a snare drum. They play the snare drum with sticks like this.
Despite all this, Manifold remains popular only among a circle of fans. I may have even made it up!
Okay, and then -- you're seriously not going to believe this -- but, like, I'm totally serious, okay...
She's being all, you know, and I'm like -- obviously, I'm like, whatever. So she and this other girl are all like, eh? And here I am, like, didn't she totally start this in the first place? But that wasn't even the really important part...
Can you believe her? So then I'm like, whatever, and she's all like, whatever! And I'm like, "As if!" -- and she's all, "As if?" -- and we're just like "As if nothing..." And she's like, "As if nothing nothing." Can you believe it!? Totally bullsh*t, right? Then we put on the wigs and crossed into Finland.
We appreciate you coming in for this interview at Retail Sports.
Unfortunately, the management is not able to offer you a position at this point in time.
Please do not worry whether our decision hinged in any part on your gross lack of physical fitness, or on your poor choice of clothing. But due to both of these limitations, I fully expect the door to hit your a** on the way out.
The Rest -
Actually, it's not me. It's entirely you. I just thought you should know that.
It's kind of funny, actually, because you're probably thinking, "Oh, I must have done something..." And you did. Practically everything wrong, in fact. And maybe you're wondering if you were lame in bed, and guess what? Hole in one! You should really stop doing that ear thing for STARTERS...
Hey there! Japanese Velma here to share with y'all.
We almost had the case solved. Obviously it wasn't "the man" in some form or other, because that would be against Japanese conformity. Clearly it was either a disgruntled maid, a disgruntled watress, a disgruntled waitress at a maid cafe, or an American.
Maybe a disgruntled American working in a maid cafe? Nah, that only happens in anime. So Shuki and Skoubi got high as balls on blowfish treats, we set a trap, and it turned out to be a pedophile. Again.
I WILL POUND YOUR BALLS INTO THE GROUND! I WILL TEACH YOU THE MEANING OF PAIN!
You slimebag maggots don't deserve to be 4-F'ed under the letterhead of my beloved Corp! I will destroy and rebuild you! The first and last words out of your holes will be "cutie pie," do you understand me? Bunny hop drills -- 15 -- now! Move it, worms, or there will be no shortcake!
Greetings from the 2011 Miss Soybean Tokaido (North)!
Most people don't know that soybeans are a major source of many things. Hey, watch what I can do...
Soy...
Soy... bean!
I should probably explain that my father cornered the market on soybeans in northern Tokaido over the past six years. Cross him, and you will be CRUSHED.
Hi! I'm auditioning to be the Fat One.
Even though I'm trim and in good shape, I have a slightly wide face on camera. I could be an icon to the faux-open-minded!
Hi! Batsh*t F***ing Crazy One, reporting for duty!
You ever start stabbing your life-sized character pillow, and you realize it's not a pillow? Awkward. But what are you gonna do, stop?! Cosplayers should know better anyway. Stabby stab! ...Hi, Mr. Agnew!
Assaulted by
Cute
They already packed up the boom mic, but I still want to audition for a Hello! Project girl group.
My dream is to be famous for four years, then struggle with a solo career for another six or so.
Check out this pout.
Eventually, I'll abandon my suffocating dreams and become a history teacher or something. I might have a chance of achieving some happiness by, oh, 2025? Coolies!
Posted by at No comments:
Labels: , ,
Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)