Friday, September 30, 2011

Legend of the Titanic, Part 6

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This week on Shark Tank...
Overly Literal Theater presents Ocean's Eleven
Why are they all wearing name tags?
"And I said we're sinking the Titanic, not the Poseidon!"
Sorry, what? I was distracted by your, um...pelvic fin...
"Unless they're going too fast to correct course in time, but what are the odds of that?"
"Because as we all know, large cruise ships can be easily redirected by the efforts of mid-size marine creatures!"
Seriously, wrap a towel around that thing! It's freaking me out...
Tentacles? Great, just when I think it can't get any worse it's turning into a hentai...
"Of course you do, but the audience doesn't!"
"Point taken."
"Dupe the Dope," the hit new reality series from FOX!
Did they think they were filming this for IMAX?
Well, enough of that scene...
"I'm sure if every stops brandishing their steak knives at each other, we can come to terms..."
The fiend! He's stealing all the Gideon Bibles from the staterooms!
"Phew! There's my exercise for the day!"
When you find a scene you like, movie, let us know...
Sebastian was wrong--life under the sea is pretty damn boring...
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHWHATTHEFUCKISTHAT?!?!?!
I would be too if I were talking to a genetic abomination.
"What? There are some good restaurants out here!"
"Well, mostly we want to know why he looks like a cross between Cthulhu and a Goof Troop extra on steroids..."
The cutesy kid voice just makes it worse, somehow.
Those arms...I may never eat calamari again...
This IS Hell, right? I mean, something like this couldn't exist except in the deepest pits of damnation...
Nice try, but the Octo-Dog has a creepier laugh.
*sobs* I want my mommy....
Really? You're talking to an overinflated balloon from the Hell Thanksgiving Day Parade, and you're worried about the sharks?
Hey hey, they prefer the term Orcinus-Americans, thankyouverymuch...
Of course, we all know how much ice is lying around on the bottom of the ocean...
Okay, you've proven you can toss giant rock crystals around, now let's try some actual ice...
Did he break it first?
Really isn't a whole lot going on in the mid-Atlantic trench today, is there?
"Must be my unholy pact with the Dark One."
Most movies can't sustain ice throwing as a central plot point for long. This movie, for example, can't do it at all.
"No, I'm too pretty for shark prison!"
"What's that, girl? Timmy's trapped in the old smokestack?"
"I have some doggie biscuits here...um, I wasn't eating them myself or anything; I was, uh, saving them for a friend..."
Wow, that dog sure loves his hardtack.
"Aww, isn't that cute, he's walking away with private correspondence!"
It's an ocean voyage and he STILL has to take the cat to the vet. Bummer.
So, does the cat actually do anything, or is it just there because evil people need to have a cat around for some reason?
Funny, that's also what the voice actors said on getting cast.
"Ha ha ha...take me now, you fierce beast!"
"Now leave me alone, I gotta smoke these Cubans before we make port..."
"Specifically this 'rape the manatees' clause..."
"I'm sure we can come to a betray--ah, I mean agreement there..."
"Gotta hurry, I don't want to miss Fallon..."
Too bad he drooled all over it...
"It says here that plastic water bottles cause breast cancer!"
"Now Your Grace, if you would kindly sit in the chair that's been pre-shackled for your convenience..."
"Wow, that was fast, you moved right with the cut there, I'm impressed..."
"All the random scribbles are in order, as you can plainly see..."
"You know, I'm starting to think you're not a very nice person..."
"No!"
"...Okay, that's all I got. You win."
"Fine, I'll sign them, just stop chewing the scenery like that!"
Wow, better hope it's not the turn-down service...
Come on, now is NOT the time for your kinky sex games!
"You too? I knew going on Evilmatch.com was a bad idea from the start..."
"We're already millionaires."
"Shut up, I'm gloating here!"
...."Yestament"?
"Let's see...'Mike Rotch.' HEY!"
"Well, it would have, just a few months down the road. More efficient this way, actually."
"We don't want to miss the Legends in Concert show..."
"Which I was already, come to think of it...eh, I just wanted one last chance to screw with you."
"If I could understand English, I'd know what's going on..."
It's a little known fact that the Titanic disaster also resulted in stronger leash laws.
"We won't be hanging with the nightmare creature too much longer, don't worry..."
Great, it's got the mumps now.
"We don't have hands."
"It's a figure of speech, all right?"
"But why would we have a figure of speech like that if we don't have hands?"
"SHUT UP!"
"Turns out nobody likes the new Facebook format."
Well, that would be a first in this movie.
Wow, my mistake, they do have hands. Must be some serious radioactive chemicals lying around this part of the ocean.
Well, having an eldrich abomination on your bodyguard staff would cut down on the number of attacks against you...
"Can I have rabbits too, George?"
That's not an iceberg, that's Caradhras!
"Hee hee, I'm going to crush your head like a grape!"
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
"This is the biggest piece of rock candy I've EVER seen!"
So, ice only floats when you want it to....


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