Kidd Video--The Dream Machine (3 of 3)

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This is why you don't riff on movies with dial-up.

It's actually a nice place without all the minions of Hell.

"All this damsel-in-distressing is wearing me out!"

Peter Billingsley as a teen.

"What are they going to do, make me take a test I'd forgotten about until now?"

WE'RE IN UR HOTEL GIVIN U NIHTMARES

"Good, then quit talking like that!"

"Wait, this isn't Dick Tracy's watch! My bad!"

Um, you should probably be more specific when using the phrase "put them to sleep" with a bunch of cats....

Did that actually happen, or was that one of the freaky nightmare things?

"Rick Springfield is on Letterman tonight!"

He must be the Shaggy of the group.

Aaaand their grating evil laughter wakes him right back up.

Well, when you're not bound by the laws of geometry and physics...

"Crap, he probably got a hold of the Necronomicon again..."

Ewww, he's having erotic dreams about guitars!

"It's time for school!"

Yeah, I had a dream like this after failing on the Zack Wylde guitar battle at 95% for the umpteenth time...

TOUCHDOWN!

Big surprise.

Well, at least he wasn't dreaming about a sousaphone...

I really didn't need to know about Ash's tentacle rape dreams...

"Why can't you dream about naked women like every other teenage boy?"

Great, so far we've seen erotic attachments to fish and musical instruments. I don't want to know what the guy with the trash can monster was dreaming about...

Whoa, did we suddenly get the Japanese dub by mistake?

Good thing Kidd is trained in anime fu...

So, guitars can be brought down by a swift kick to the fretboard. Good to know.

"Owowowsplintersow..."

"Guess what Carla, my bikini zone is now smoother than yours!"

"Sorry, it's late, that's the best one-liner I can come up with..."

What, make bad jokes?

It looks kind of like a TV camera with a bike helmet attached.

BLUE RASPBERRY POWER!!!

You know, sometimes a giant monster guitar is just a giant monster guitar.

"Dammit, where's the hyper-allergic fairy when I need her?"

Good thing Kidd is a champion lumberjack as well.

Oooh, lot of cavities in your resonating chamber. Have you been flossing?

Well, why should it be different than the rest of the episode?

Yeah, that kind of goes with the "cruelness" territory...

The Hotel Exxon Valdez

You think they'd be used to this sort of thing by now...

And the fallout left West End City a barren wasteland, the end.

So, our heroes...did nothing, really. Okay, then.

WE CAN HAZ BAND-AIDZ?

"Who's a trio of widdle cute henchmen? Yes you is!"

"Nope, it's a lynching for you this time."

"Which is not, I repeat, NOT the container from the bad-dream-sucking vacuum cleaner!"

Well, so much for cats being cunning...

"Yeah, yeah, can we get back to salah now?"

"Damn, there's a childproof cap!"

And so kids, the infrastructure and public services of Flipside collapsed because nobody paid their taxes. The End.

"Oh no, I'm having a fifth heart attack!"

"What's that? You want Apple Blossom to join us?"

Is he dreaming or cross-promoting other 80s cartoons?

So it's just a walking Coleman cooler, basically...

With rapier wit like that, no wonder he's the leader.

And the madness of the Flipside has finally gotten to them.

"Mmmm, tastes like engine grease."

Wonder what happened to those dancing bulls? They never really followed up on that...

Ah, good. I was thinking the episode wouldn't be complete without one more lame 80s musical sequence.

He's studying that painting of Vigo the Carpathian...

"Okay, now can we get the glee club in two lines..."

Meet the Dweebles

"Hang on, let me see if I can get a park employee to take a picture of all of us together..."

Dykeish in front, stringy in back...

"Oh, what I wouldn't give to run my fingers through her stiff, over-moussed hair..."

Those keyboard guitars never really caught on...

She's kind of got a frumpy ballet look going...

"Yeah, you want my bland attractiveness."

Back in the old days when they had to develop porn by hand.

"Okay, wet my lips, I'm an animal! Good..."

Posing for the 1987 Sears Wish List.

Billy Ray Cyrus called, he wants his hair back.

I guess he hasn't got to the "focus" part of his photography class...

"Okay, now look even frumpier..."

A video about the high-pressure world of high school senior photos...

Oh, he's into scrapbooking!

"Finally, a paper doll of my own!"

Early Photoshop was time-consuming...

It's just a starter stalker wall, but I like what he's done so far...

SFMOMA paid handsomely for his "Reflections on a Mulleted Girl"...

Well, at least they've got the Jonas Brothers beat as a manufactured pop group...

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A Dance for the Queen's Menagerie - Cremaster

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An excerpt from sculptor Matthew Barney's series of five excruciatingly long art films, known as the Cremaster Cycle.

No, you're supposed to have your boxers hiked up to your nipples when you wear those pants. Get hip to the program, gramps.

Too deliberate to be Surrealist, but too opaque to inspire any real dialogue with the viewer, Barney's films occupy the shadow realm that art slips into when it forgets that it's meant to be viewed by anyone other than the artist.

Tonight on PBS: Surf King Lear

Kotex™

Art critics regard Barney's uneven camera work, under-edited pace and inconsistent emphasis not as a lack of filmmaking experience, but as a deliberate subversion of the medium. The art world knows Barney as an avant-garde superstar. The real world knows Barney as Bjork's husband.

"I am THRILLED not to have nipples!"

See, if you invested in some snails, you wouldn't get this kind of algae buildup.

↑
Female bodybuilders

(Androgynous, get it?)

(Get it?)

(GET IT!?!)

(I'm sorry... I had to sit through three of these in film school.)

Well then.

"Bridgerrrrr, Lucas touch Darwin bad..." *whistle, squeak*

A visual genius.

STARFISH!
♫ action music ♫
Next on UPN

A little something for the sea-monkey fetishist in us all.

The music tells you something is happening. You should really look into that in a week or so.

So you have some context: the "Queen" is in her opera box watching this all happen through an anus in the floor.

And... autoexposure.

Happy, patient, drowning, Madonna...? What?

I expect you can pay for this in Japan.

Out of curiosity, why would "water fairies" need to be so visibly holding their breaths?

.oO(Bad time to be sobering up, man)

"Hang on, it's all granny-knotted around your foreskin there. I can get it. Good thing I've still got nails..."

Junk, you are cleared for liftoff.

Final check down below?

"We still can't see a thing."

Sounds good.

Junk is go in 3... 2... 1...

Struggling to fly away while being tied to a madman's tackle. This is truly what it sounds like when doves cry.

"Can we get out of the pool now? I'm prune-city."

We can't emphasize our animal cruelty enough.

NIGEL, PULL UP!

Yes, we just smacked the boom mic, and left it in.

"I'm bored out of my sh*t."

Is this glorious, or merely tragic?

A ridiculous physical transformation accompanied by slow-motion doves? I hate to say it, but John Woo did it better in Mission:Impossible II.

♫ "See... my... batch! See my batch!
See them flying from my thatch!
Tie some pigeons 'round my nuts, cherie
They'll wish... they'd never hatched" ♫

"Seaquest" never did this sh*t.

"I am become... JARETH MAN!"

Wait! We might've missed something important.

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Dougal and the Blue Cat - Final Part

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"You'll 'ave 'ad your tea."

Yes folks, something you thought you'd never see...a fight scene in the Magic Roundabout!

My moneys on the cat

So a fight somehow manages to knock the spaceship out of the Moon's gravity, yeah that makes sense!

Wait...that's not Earth

Yeah, a parachute in open space that'll work

Wait, how'd the rocket get back her so quickly?

"I must have swine flu!"

Well no not really

"Look all I did was get distracted from painting the moon because I suddenly got into a fight!"

THE BLUE VOICE IS P*SSED

"We're over here we you left us!"

.oO Good grief this rabbit is heavy!

"My trading card collection!"

"Hmm...maybe getting a cat to do my dirty work wasn't such as good idea, maybe next time I'll make a member of the Blue Man Group king, or maybe a Smurt...or how about one of the Na'vi."

"Ow and now a building's fallen on my, this just keeps getting better and better!"

And since there was no sign of a night we can only assume that all that happened within a single day.

"Oh we nailed him to a cross next to Eric Idle."

"I didn't know Brian was suicidal!"

"No, wait, that wasn't help at all, he just ate everything!"

"I even had a song about how evil I am."

Now how the hell did that happen?

Yeah, because they're really going to kill someone in the Magic Roundabout!

Show off

"And don't ask me how I did that because I have absolutely no idea."

And thus round 2 begins.

Which has not in any way demonstrated any magic at all....ever.

And the roundabout suddenly becomes a Batman villain.

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PART 7

Kidd Video--The Dream Machine (2 of 3)

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Damn AOL...

AAAGGGGH!

I'm sorry, your eyebags are too large for the overhead compartment. You'll have to check them.

The Munchkin coroner called; he wants his hat back.

What does a surreal creature dream about, anyway? Normal situations, like getting stuck in traffic or calling to get a prescription refilled?

"Heh-heh, we're going to film him in an embarrassing situation and post it on YouTube!"

Inside Dr. Seuss' head.

What...the...?

The mayor just wants to feel pretty sometimes, I guess.

By the way, I loved you in Fantasia.

Rule 34 strikes again!

Well, this really calls the mayor's platform against interspecies marriage into question...

Is the floating fishbowl part of the dream, or just bad animation?

It's a narwhal helmet!

All machines in the Flipside are required by law to have creepy facial features, I guess.

Please don't talk again.

This is why you shouldn't overfeed them...

Les Ballets Trockadero de Oz

Where is his torso, anyway?

Gossamer!

Waitaminnit, hair on a fish?

"Pucker up, lover."

I CAN HAZ TOONAH?

So it transformed into some sort of giant monster fish/Beatles hybrid...

PEW PEW PEW!!!

Why is everyone dreaming about Japanese monster movies?

Now really, how is this any worse than the dancing buildings at the beginning of the show?

Even Terry Gilliam is scratching his head at all this.

And our heroes kind of meander to the rescue.

How exactly did they get this out of a Subaru BRAT, anyway?

"Candygram."

So this is Venkman from The Real Ghostbusters as a teen.

"I can't deny my love for you any longer!"

What, the first five minutes of this episode?

Chili cheesecake, only at Applebees!

"My robot doppleganger is about to rise against us!"

STELLA!!!

"Cool, I've heard so much about the girls there."

All toasters toast YOUR SOUL!!!

"Someone get Yen Sid, quick!"

"No, I don't want to be pregnant!"

"Um, maybe I should run, or something....nah, forget it..."

"Apart from the Bovine Conga Line..."

Why do the lips have nose hairs?

Um, everything in this dimension is freaky as all get-out, perhaps?

"God?"

Overdrawn at the Memory Bank: The Animated Series

"You...you BAD GUY, you!"

"And now that I've told you all about it you can thwart me!"

SOMEONE hasn't read the Evil Overlord List.

"Oh, and no hard feelings about the musical slaves thing, okay?"

I can't wait.

Moby Dick got a dye job!

The cousin the Notre Dame mascot doesn't talk about.

I'm surprised Jerry Falwell never complained about Lucky Charms' "subversive gay agenda."

TASTE THE RAINBOOOOOW!

Yay, a new stale marshmallow shape!

Adding empty calories and sugar to this complete breakfast!

One of them is in the wrong locker room.

"It's filled with Nightmare Fuel!"

Hey, you can't market furry balls to children!

Popples: Our Cuteness Collapses In On Itself!

PC Popple, DF 435

Hey, no ad for TOBOR?

There is entirely too much creepy anthropomorphism in this show.

"I said 'Si' because I'm Hispanic, you know. Ai yi yi."

Because every good plan needs a one-man band!

"Besides, we like humiliating you."

Never let a four-year-old design your marquee.

"That girl cat is kind of hot!"

I wonder how Master Blaster managed to take over with just three bumbling henchcats.

"Don't worry, I've got the vacuum cleaner. It always drives cats nuts!"

"Oh no, another pointless musical sequence is starting!"

The MC Escher Hotel and Casino

What does it mean when you dream about being chased by hookworms, anyway?

"Get away from me, Kirby!"

"I knew I should have stayed at the Overlook instead..."

This is normal for him. He has the DTs.

I hated this level of Mario Party...

BANZAI!!!

"Great, the giant gumball is mocking me."

Um, you can turn on your knockoff proton pack anytime...

Where's Dick Van Dyke when you need him?

Oh God, I did NOT need to see Ash blowing a python!

Well, so much for that idea.

You know, usually the heroes in these bad 80s cartoons were at least slightly more competent than the villain's Mooks...

Oh no, it's a Scooby Doo chase gone horribly wrong!

So, basically any Scooby Doo chase.

This is one of those things that only makes sense if you're high, isn't it?

Great idea, give the nerdy spaz the weapon.

"There's the problem--the safety is on!"

"Excellent! Now to take out Slimer!"

"Oh no, a souped-up Hoover! Run for your lives!"

The monsters took the Frankie Goes to Hollywood music with them, I guess...

Sure, give the Latina girl a broom and send her into a hotel room...way to buck stereotype, writers!

"Don't eat me! I'm sorry I said I liked Big Bird better!"

What, no "take out the trash" pun?

And once again, the token female proves useless.

Stop that, you're making the mariachi mice in that Titanic cartoon look good!

It's turning into a mecha!

"Maybe I should have tried a mop instead..."

"Um, guys, the broom thing didn't work..."

After the orgy...

"We need more caffeine pills, now!"

"Don't look at me; I'm just a supervisor."

"You sent them in to battle a bunch of monsters with cleaning utensils. They're probably dead by now."

Thank God for blacked-out crotch area.

She's making Daphne Blake look competent.

"A trash can? We didn't plan on that!"

"I need to take a wizz, NOW!"

"I don't know, I woke up with a hangover and there he was next to me!"

And the annoying fairy gets splatted, the end.

BY THE POWER OF ZYRTEC!!

"I knew I should have used a Bissel instead!"

"Don't worry, my plot-convenient superpower just kicked in!"

BOFF!

"Yay, the food bank is saved!"

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Kidd Video--The Dream Machine (1 of 3)

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"Crap, I'm late! Good thing I did my hair and makeup in my sleep!"

"Mmm, I had an amazing time last night, circuit board. Call me?"

"Gotta hurry, I'm late for Steve Gutenberg practice!"

"Buckle u--oh, that's right. Well, just pray we don't hit a fast turn, then."

"Um, where's your other hand?"

"I hope the eighties NEVER end!"

"If we practice hard enough, we can land that gig at the U-Stor-It downtown..."

Still, it's a better theme song than "Hammerman"...

They make the Pat Boone look like James Brown...

"Damn, I'm hot!"

"We suck!"

o/...I am your Angel of Music...o/

Rush Limbaugh?

Whoops, that was the button for the Phantom Zone; lemme try again...

"Really bad ones, in fact."

It Came From Planet Wurlitzer

"But first, let's get physical!"

And they fell to their deaths, the end.

"And what's with the Jazzercize fairy?"

*whistle* Illegal formation, extra consonant on the field, five yard penalty, repeat first down.

What are the OSHA regulations on dancing houses, anyway?

It's Amishpalooza!

Lewis Carroll's Oklahoma!

*shudder* I'm scared...

Their tops are made out of horrific Mardis Gras heads, their bottoms are made out of springs!

Even the little abominations are getting in on the fun!

"Okay Jerry, on three we gore him!"

And here comes the what the fuckery, right on schedule!

Fortunately, Brian Setzer quickly abandoned "Stray Bull Strut" and moved on to better things.

Don't worry, I have no doubt this will be absolutely essential to the plot later on!

This was pretty daring back in the day...not a lot of 80's cartoons were willing to tackle bovine homosexuality.

Bull the Floor

EXTREE! EXTREE! SATURDAY MORNING CARTOON CONFUSES THE HELL OUT OF VIEWERS!

O is for OH SHUT IT, ALREADY!

Just because they're going to the slaughterhouse, doesn't mean they can't have one last party!

Pamplona's annual Conga-Line of the Bulls

So, the eighties gave us this and Rubik the Amazing Cube. Any more doubts that there was a TON of cocaine floating around at the time?

THANK GOD!!!

"The name's John Wayne Tenniel."

"And outlets for the animators' furry kink."

"Let's see what the tickertape from Hell says..."

Please, stop! You're hurting me!

I'll talk, I'll talk! Just don't hurt my wife and little abacuses!

"We don't like anthropomorphic housepets in these here parts."

"And Billy Bob's bringing the spanking paddle!"

Wow, I don't envy the person who has to give them a bath now.

He's foreshortening the HELL out of this scene!

"Um, we heard, we're kind of standing right next to you..."

"And Circle in the Square, tell me what you have lined up for next season's repertoire!"

So, is the Crystal Square the television, or the box encasing the television?

Do the Beatles know Kidd Video stole their ride?

"Whiz" doesn't refer to his IQ, but an unfortunate incident in the third grade.

Eighties cartoons were required by law to have at least one geeky guy in glasses.

Oh, he's a Teamster.

Does everybody in this universe have a horrifying robot companion?

"Say, are you familiar with The Legend of Neil...?"

"Whatever, Dumbass."

Glitter narrowly avoided being named "Crossroads."

"Let's see...o-one...uh...what comes after one?"

"Look, we were brought here by a fat guy in a flying jukebox, we live in a Yellow Submarine knock-off, and you're a fairy in legwarmers. We're as confused by this as you are."

Oh I see--it's an ajna gun!

Yeah, you're a real porker.

"Ha-ha, very funny. Guess who's not getting laid tonight."

He chews like a rabbit!

They're lucky Whiz had the food dream, and not the one with the twin lesbian mud wrestlers and the gorilla in a tutu...

"Well, I'm back from the RenFaire, anybody want leftover turkey leg?"

"Now, Crystal Square, tell me the score of the Saints-Cowboys game!"

"I've got it! I'll make them go to school in their underwear until they submit!"

West End? Since when was the London theater district inhabited by bizarre gnomes with swelled heads?

...Besides Andrew Lloyd Webber, I mean.

And the Cheshire Cat sues for copyright infringement.

Looks like a souped-up Thundercats car...

Um...who's driving?

"Heh-heh, now to walk on their countertops and leave dead mice on their beds!"

Good thing Whiz's dream food was heavily laced with NyQuil.

If Fran Drescher was a furry.

But first, a Pointless Eighties Musical Interlude!

Is that what you told your daughter?

Nauseating Eighties Fashions: The Video

"Come on, defy gravity with us! It's fun!"

"The ghosts are moving the table again. I'm going to complain to the manager."

"Hey, you can't shoot a music video in here! I'm telling the super!"

Hey buddy, the Rocky Horror Picture Show screening is two doors down!

"Mmm, blood of the damned!"

"I'm just going to hide in my apartment until the grunge era."

Um, okay...what.

Sure you can! No need to continue on my account, really...

Really? Crap.

This is one weird revival meeting!

"What the HELL did I just see?"

And just in time for the first commercial break, the plot actually starts going somewhere. Sort of.

Plumbercopter AWAY!!

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Morning Musume - Onna ni Sachi Are

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Average Ages
Morning Musume: 20
Tanpopo: 17
Berryz Kobo: 16
°C-ute: 15

(You're welcome.)

Oh god, this is one of those sh*tty uploads where the sound is out of sync, isn't it?

The director's concept this time: "King Kong before the monkey shows up."

Hugh wooed Heaney

That's all garlic?

Condone cool weed. Neat, a wigwam

Elephant, no, Coochie Goosy

"Mother may we," we know the rules

Let me tell her, Miss Asinine

God an emo, meet sinners armed

Sure you can't debug Camino, why could she?

Gnu, gnu, sheep, pig

Ya, I know 9-pin

BACKHAND ME!
BACKHAND ME!
BACKHAND ME!

Double sheeting

I know Tony

Don't let it travel on the back of me!

Yoghurt is yummy today!

I want him to cower

Sh*t I was saying you could do well

Day old Dominos

In Jew movie saloons

The cartoons

I'd like to go today

My outfit tangled a sardine

Oh, and I need some cheap art, eh?

I sat here, you know buddy

First bridge, and I'm still not sure about the sound sync.

I suppose if straight men costumed them they wouldn't be wearing anything...

Took her eating

A coke girly

Jenny mooned you? Dude, that's your car

With those sheep they "knew" Killarney

I let them in, he says she said

I'm damn near shaking

Murdered Nietzsche

Took her emo nail like a shiv

She's out busted -- Eee! -- to tomb I laid the cow

Aladdin, Nemo -- get your cousins

BACKHAND ME!
BACKHAND ME!
BACKHAND ME!

I'm no condom

Eat your curry

Now can you see I'm no amateur?

Your eyes allow me to neck

A-A-e-choo! Cool wad

Sh*t, I was saying you could do well

Someone should docket her

Cool comb-over, Harry

So can you

Our life's so cold today

Why does she care you cooked her lab?

Oh -- mmm -- I need some cheap art, eh

I sang here. You're normal, eh?

What does a boa do exactly?

This is a weird version of Chicken Little.

I can't tell what's bad choreography, what's bad costuming, and what's bad lighting.

Allow me to cavort

She-Owl was sent to cool the world

Deal out those dominos

And to your own bitch, salut

Chicken, mmm!

I'll have some coke-odin

Mad Hatter thinks of us as Eve

Odin, I need the chief RA

Outside here you're normal, eh?

I'm ready to go'way

Sh*t, hours singing your cool new wail

So won't you die, killer?

A true cover headache

Suck it, do

A lesser coma day

Why don't you care, you crooked liar?

Oh what a nasal, cheap "artist"

Outside here you're nobody

"A monkey?"

"MY monkey!"

"Her monkey?"

"Which monkey?"

"That monkey."

"Monkey."

"Monkey."

"MONKEY!"

Incoming 747!

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