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An excerpt from sculptor Matthew Barney's series of five excruciatingly long art films, known as the Cremaster Cycle.
No, you're supposed to have your boxers hiked up to your nipples when you wear those pants. Get hip to the program, gramps.
Too deliberate to be Surrealist, but too opaque to inspire any real dialogue with the viewer, Barney's films occupy the shadow realm that art slips into when it forgets that it's meant to be viewed by anyone other than the artist.
Tonight on PBS: Surf King Lear
Kotex™
Art critics regard Barney's uneven camera work, under-edited pace and inconsistent emphasis not as a lack of filmmaking experience, but as a deliberate subversion of the medium. The art world knows Barney as an avant-garde superstar. The real world knows Barney as Bjork's husband.
"I am THRILLED not to have nipples!"
See, if you invested in some snails, you wouldn't get this kind of algae buildup.
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Female bodybuilders
Female bodybuilders
(Androgynous, get it?)
(Get it?)
(GET IT!?!)
(I'm sorry... I had to sit through three of these in film school.)
Well then.
"Bridgerrrrr, Lucas touch Darwin bad..." *whistle, squeak*
A visual genius.
STARFISH!
♫ action music ♫
Next on UPN
♫ action music ♫
Next on UPN
A little something for the sea-monkey fetishist in us all.
The music tells you something is happening. You should really look into that in a week or so.
So you have some context: the "Queen" is in her opera box watching this all happen through an anus in the floor.
And... autoexposure.
Happy, patient, drowning, Madonna...? What?
I expect you can pay for this in Japan.
Out of curiosity, why would "water fairies" need to be so visibly holding their breaths?
.oO(Bad time to be sobering up, man)
"Hang on, it's all granny-knotted around your foreskin there. I can get it. Good thing I've still got nails..."
Junk, you are cleared for liftoff.
Final check down below?
"We still can't see a thing."
Sounds good.
"We still can't see a thing."
Sounds good.
Junk is go in 3... 2... 1...
Struggling to fly away while being tied to a madman's tackle. This is truly what it sounds like when doves cry.
"Can we get out of the pool now? I'm prune-city."
We can't emphasize our animal cruelty enough.
NIGEL, PULL UP!
Yes, we just smacked the boom mic, and left it in.
"I'm bored out of my sh*t."
Is this glorious, or merely tragic?
A ridiculous physical transformation accompanied by slow-motion doves? I hate to say it, but John Woo did it better in Mission:Impossible II.
♫ "See... my... batch! See my batch!
See them flying from my thatch!
Tie some pigeons 'round my nuts, cherie
They'll wish... they'd never hatched" ♫
See them flying from my thatch!
Tie some pigeons 'round my nuts, cherie
They'll wish... they'd never hatched" ♫
"Seaquest" never did this sh*t.
"I am become... JARETH MAN!"
Wait! We might've missed something important.
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