The King and I, Part 2

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The Official Asian Stereotype Parade, ladies and gentlemen!

Another victim of the subprime loan market.

"And be honest--do you think I'm coming off a bit creepy?"

"I have no intention of being pampered in royal luxury when I can go home to a nice dingy flat above a fish shop!"

So, will she tell the king this?

"I'm still waiting for the moving truck to come with my furniture, okay?"

Why are the guards wearing adult diapers?

"The fruit basket that guy's wearing on his head."

"Where do they think we are, America?"

Carmen Miranda's less successful brother, Larry.

"Go on, tell him about the ping pong ball trick..."

"Sweet! Have her read King Bidgood's in the Bathtub!"

He's not a Sunni Muslim, more of a Still-Life Muslim...

"Thanks, that's just what I wanted, my own young, nubile florist. Fuckin' Bowdlerized script..."

Can we have ONE scene without the monkey or Dorky Buddha doing something stupid, please?

Lunch at the palace cafeteria will be fruit cocktail and monkey's brains...

He's your pet, you discipline him! Come on kid, I want to see you spank your monkey!

Me too. That monkey line came out wrong.

Oh, you got that out of a fortune cookie!

"Why don't I have a cute animal companion? My kid gets a monkey, you get a panther...even oily Mohawk guy gets an iguana!"

"You will show me all about these things you English call Monty Python and the Beatles!"

It's a little known fact that Rodgers and Hammerstein started the steampunk craze.

"Oh wait, this is a waffle iron, never mind."

"I also have this great Zutara fanfic you should read..."

"Are there any other long royal things you can show me?"

"Now I will show you how engine of steam will help Marty get back to future..."

"You mean, you DON'T use your explosives to kill people? What kind of backwater is this?"

Oh, quit bragging. You filched all this stuff from Archimedes' storehouse and you know it.

Stop that monkey! He's going to break the third act plot device!

This can happen with trisomy-21, I understand.

"Good, now that the stupid comic relief characters are out of the way..."

Damn, even Siam is ahead of the Texas Board of Education.

"In about a hundred and fifteen years, that is."

"1712, wait, so that makes this, ummm, carry the one..."

"Look, my son is...well, let's just say I don't have high hopes for grandkids..."

PLEASE tell me I just imagined the king giving a low-five to his panther...

Who are you, Alex Trebek?

"I have the closing papers right here..."

"Lines of coke and rubbing off to tranny porn, why?"

"It's what we Westerners call a 'catch phrase'."

"Look, we're having some troubles with the inspection..."

"Please, be careful with my Precious Moments figurines!"

"Well, you sound British, so I'm sure I can trust you..."

"Just in time for your next tedious comic scene!"

"Look, just go do a slapstick scene with the kid and the monkey, okay?"

To every Asian everywhere, we apologize for this.

The CGI Gardens of Thailand!

Uh-oh, sounds like the characters are already starting to crack from the stress of being in this movie.

"You want flowers? I'll arrange you some stinkin' flowers...here's some foxglove, and some nightshade, and poison oak..."

o/...When will my reflection show who I am insiiiiiiiide?....o/

"I've been here for the past three hours. Actually, I thought you'd have noticed me before now..."

"And even though this is the 19th century and hunting big game is commonplace, I know it's wrong!"

"Gee, thanks. I'll call you Fredomina, how do you like that?"

Bruce Lee: The Animated Series!

Is this kickboxing or a Cirque du Soleil routine?

"Ha, psyche!" *elbow drops him*

"That's not a good place for your trunk..."

"So, I guess this means you can do that thing with your tongue...?"

"They won't allow me at the family picnic next year!"

"Thanks, that narrows it down to the entire damn country..."

"Great, now we can put on our own production of Gone With the Wind!"

"I think I'm Lady Thiang, but they pretty much did away with my character's entire part in the story so it's hard to tell..."

"And I'm a little obsessive-compulsive, so I get nervous when people rearrange my things..."

"They want to, how you say, munch your rug..."

Victorian upskirt!

"I was going to burn that..."

"I'm not sure, I spent the whole time thinking of England like they told us to..."

They live in an Asian Hobbit hole.

o/...Traditioooo--oh wait, wrong musical.

"Yeah right, let me hear you say that when your king abdicates to marry an American divorcee..."

This isn't really the right song for kung fu fighting; they need something more in the Johnathan Larson mold...

Wow, it didn't take tradition-lady long to be won over...

Two three, KICK!

"Yeah, I am pretty macho, aren't I?"

"No, your wedding tackle!"

"A mummy!...Oh wait, that's your hand."

"Are you going to be at this long? Dinner's almost ready..."

"Wait, where am I? I'M GONNA DIIIIIIIE!!!"

I see some stupid, stupid rulers in Siam's future as a result of these two.

"No really, we have to go down now, the curry just doesn't taste the same when it's cold..."

Can do.

Her husband is Bruce Ismay!

They have so much in common. A complete lack of nipples, for example.

*beep, beep, beep*

She looks like she should be ringing a Salvation Army bell.

The King and I now concludes its broadcast day.

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The King and I, Part 1

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Serrano's Piss Hollywood

When I was a kid, I was always disappointed when the Warner Brothers' logo wasn't immediately followed by a Bugs Bunny cartoon. I have a feeling this movie is going to cause the same reaction.

Meanwhile, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves is starting!

Huh, I didn't know Morgan Freeman had Native American blood...

Jet Li!

Dumbo II: The Revenge

...the sullying of all you hold dear!

Oh hey, it's a...

What? Oh, look, they're...

Hey, no fair taking the images down before I can caption them!

o/...Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it gaaaaay!...o/

Rankin/Bass demanded their credit be shown for the shortest possible amount of time.

So, this movie is like watching feathers and bird shit? Works for me.

"WORSHIP THE BATCH!"

And once again, "adapted"="raped and left huddled crying in a back alley."

Who are they kidding? NOBODY will ever equal Grover's interpretation of the king!

THIS IS GOD! I COMMAND YOU TO STOP TAINTING THE RODGERS AND HAMMERSTEIN LEGACY!!

Walt Disney's Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World

They're just not worried about the storm tearing up the sails and rigging, I guess.

Kid, if you're expecting Leonardo diCaprio to rescue you I've got bad news...

Stoopid Monkey.

Kid, this is exactly what Darwin was talking about...

Abu never gave Aladdin this kind of trouble.

"Whoops, better put these flammable books next to the unsecured lit candle being tossed violently about by the storm..."

"Come on, Moonshee! Hollywood law demands that we have a cute animal companion!"

"Look lady, I don't tell you how to take care of your kid, do I? Though Lord knows you could use some pointers..."

"I knew I should have gotten a parrot instead!"

"What do you think of my new flatscreen?"

"Anachronistic jokes?"

The Dorky Buddha.

This is how Christopher Hitchens believes all religious leaders act.

"EVERY kingdom needs an evil adviser!"

No matter where you go in the world, the bad guy always has an English accent.

He's just been bitter ever since he got beat out for the role of Jafar.

You know, you have to try really hard to create a character who's more of an offensive stereotype than the characters who were written in the 1950s.

Hey Mohawk dude, you mind switching your evil television over to the game for a sec? I just want to check the score.

Did he turn into an orc?

Richard Simmons isn't this flamboyant!

It's a mood iguana!

It's not even five minutes in and the teeth thing is already old.

Hey, Mutiny on the Bounty is on!

Is that magic or a migraine?

Your acting?

That was THIS close to being the vanity plate for the Rank Group.

Dammit, the screen's all fuzzy. Could you send Dorky Buddha up to adjust the dish?

Malificent!

Well, if she falls overboard her skirts can act as a flotation device.

Puff is back--and this time, it's PERSONAL!

I think I know where the kid gets his survival instincts from.

Yep, in a crisis, it's always fight or flight or...whistle.

Maybe by whistling she can blow out the flames...

"Look, we're sorry about the eel pie last night..."

She hasn't learned How Not to be Seen.

"Hey lady, would you mind whistling your way over to the damn harpoon gun?"

.oO(Singing? That bitch crazy!)

"That's nice, now do you know 'Nearer My God to Thee'?"

Just put your lips together and...pant, apparently.

Unfortunately the dragon's a Kander and Ebb fan.

*chomp*

Her relentless optimism is what's REALLY scaring them.

Whistle Twin Powers ACTIVATE!

Now I know why so many women in the 19th century wound up in asylums.

Wait, aren't snakes deaf?

Don Bluth's Oliver!

Ew, no standing akimbo, please.

"Okay boys, play along, then TOSS THEM OVERBOARD!"

o/...Heeeeey, Macarena!...o/

Dragons are allergic to group numbers.

Okay, so what are you going to do about the fact that the hold's been taking on water throughout your entire song?

"Oh Louis...you never were that bright."

Oh, like YOU'RE one to be mocking his acting.

Unfortunately, the whistling philosophy proved less effective when the powder magazine exploded...

"Not too much between despair and ecstasy, though."

"Louis, do you like plays about gladiators?"

"No ma'am, that's a boat."

"Dorky Buddha's just there for the comic relief, though."

"Um, sorry, sometimes I randomly belch speech balloons. I'm getting treatment for it, don't worry."

"Observe my knickers!"

"Really? Cause I read on Weather Underground there was a high chance of fire and lightning belching sea serpents in the area..."

"Or are you just here on a sex tour?"

If he were any oilier you could make French fries with him.

"I have the Herpes B to remember you by..."

"And you'll need a cute marketable creature where you're going!"

Walt Disney's Outbreak

Oh, that explains your act.

Could we get the subtitles back for this guy, plase?

The famous Cardboard Gates of Thailand!

Yay, we're going to Disneyland!

This is the IKEA Erotica equivalent of Scenery Porn.

Next on Cribs...

Oh please, don't give this guy any reprises...

Cool, a shadow play version of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire!

Meanwhile in Silvermoon City...

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ALLERGY - A MAJOR BREAK-THROUGH IN CURING MOST HEALTH PROBLEMS!

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ARIAL: THE OFFICIAL FONT OF QUACKDOM

I don't trust any doctor who can't afford a shotgun mic.

"The pain of a two year old makes me feel nothing."

"...none."

REBOOT

"NEEEEeeeeeeeeEEEEEERVOUS system."

Not if you're choking.

"What? DON'T JUDGE ME!"

We don't?

ARE you a doctor?

I only ask because there appears to be a boating poster where your diploma should be.

New V8 Heroin!

Like Windows XP.

But a bitch ain't one.

There is an ELECTRICITY here!    
>                               

There is an ELECTRICITY here!    
>TA                             

There is an ELECTRICITY here!    
>TAKE                           

There is an ELECTRICITY here!    
>TAKE ELE                       

There is an ELECTRICITY here!    
>TAKE ELECTRI                   

There is an ELECTRICITY here!    
>TAKE ELECTRICITY               

There is an ELECTRICITY here!    
>TAKE ELECTRICITY               
SCROTAR needs ELECTRICITY badly! 
>                               

There is an ELECTRICITY here!    
>TAKE ELECTRICITY               
SCROTAR needs ELECTRICITY badly! 
>BU                             

There is an ELECTRICITY here!    
>TAKE ELECTRICITY               
SCROTAR needs ELECTRICITY badly! 
>BURN                           

There is an ELECTRICITY here!    
>TAKE ELECTRICITY               
SCROTAR needs ELECTRICITY badly! 
>BURN IT                        

Not Jodi BENSON!?!

But what about heroin?

Do you need a magazine? You look like you're full of sh*t.

I always get this guy at the express checkout.

"Add a rhinestone..."

Suppose away.

He calls it Health Scam?!?

"...except in your anus."

Enough for what?

Things.

Aside from your personality.

Not the Antikythera machine.

*Not a legal health claim.

*Not a legal health claim.
†Not a legal health claim.

*Not a legal health claim.
†Not a legal health claim.
**Not a legal health claim.

*Not a legal health claim.
†Not a legal health claim.
**Not a legal health claim.
‡†Not a legal health claim.

*Not a legal health claim.
†Not a legal health claim.
**Not a legal health claim.
‡†Not a legal health claim.
¥Not a legal health claim.

*Not a legal health claim.
†Not a legal health claim.
**Not a legal health claim.
‡†Not a legal health claim.
¥Not a legal health claim.
?‡#%$! Not a legal health claim.

*Not a legal health claim.
†Not a legal health claim.
**Not a legal health claim.
‡†Not a legal health claim.
¥Not a legal health claim.
?‡#%$! Not a legal health claim.
*%‡#%$! Not a legal health claim.

*Not a legal health claim.
†Not a legal health claim.
**Not a legal health claim.
‡†Not a legal health claim.
¥Not a legal health claim.
?‡#%$! Not a legal health claim.
*%‡#%$! Not a legal health claim.
$!#‡#%‡† Not a legal health claim!

*Not a legal health claim.
†Not a legal health claim.
**Not a legal health claim.
‡†Not a legal health claim.
¥Not a legal health claim.
?‡#%$! Not a legal health claim.
*%‡#%$! Not a legal health claim.
$!#‡#%‡† Not a legal health claim!
&?!*%‡#%$!#‡#%‡†!?! Not a legal ?‡#%$! health claim!

But the franchise goes downhill after Health Scan X-2.

o_O

-_-

/  \
o_O

/  \
>_<

/  \\
..o_O..

/^\\
..o_0..

He said, not making eye contact.

You must have travelled widely to be a quack.

Wouldn't they just buy a scheming little dink like you out and make trillions on the patent?

Quinannually?

What percent of that percentage was pulled out of your ass?

I notice you haven't electrocuted that thing off your face yet.

"Lick a 9v battery every day, and..."

MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU!

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Girls Beware

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It's Sid Davis and His Swingin' Band!

Boys are icky!

I know what you're thinking, men, but don't get your hopes up: there's no evil lesbians seducing innocent young girls in this film. Sorry.

Part of Inglewood City in the county of Ingle--look, will you just make with the scare tactics, already?

Norma Neufner, Policewoman! This fall on USA!

She doesn't get a badge or uniform or anything; those are for the real cops.

Since this is the 1950s, my duties are limited to answering the phone, getting coffee, and being available for quickies at the department Christmas party.

"We'll get to your daughter in a second, but first: how many tickets will you be purchasing for the Policeman's Ball this year?"

"My business card collection is now complete!"

Maybe she should socialize with people other than her parents.

Her ad read: Young, gullible teen available for rape and possible murder and body dump. References available on request.

She's dressed like an Italian restaurant!

Patty Duke in The Lovely Bones!

"Let's see...yes, I do believe I'd be able to fit in a crawl space that size..."

The vibraphone really heightens the sense of impending danger in this scene.

Hey, that's the same bowtie-wearing serial killer from "Boys Beware"! Dude sure gets around!

Dear Mom, getting dismembered, Suzie can have my radio and best sweater. Love, Judy.

That's a lovely mothball bracelet she has on.

The darker and edgier sequel to "Dial Comes to Town."

NO ONE will be seated during the thrilling phone dialing scene!

"Ahoy-hoy?"

"Wait, let me check--honey, what's the name of the girl on the sacrificial altar?"

"It's been three weeks; I'm starting to think something might be wrong..."

"Either this phone is dead or my watch has stopped."

Wow, that is the Mount Kilimanjaro of widow's peaks she's got right there.

"Okay, back to my article on Mamie Eisenhower..."

ARE YOU MY MUMMY ARE YOU MY MUMMY ARE YOU MY MUMMY ARE YOU MY MUMMY ARE YOU MY MUMMY ARE YOU MY MUMMY ARE YOU MY MUMMY

So she was found in a CSI opening scene?

I can never decide what dress to wear...

"Your daughter is no more! She has ceased to be! She has expired and gone to meet her maker! She's a stiff! Bereft of life, she rests in peace. If we hadn't found her abandoned by the highway, she'd be pushing up the daisies!"

"I'm very sorry, but this is why God doesn't want women working outside the home..."

"It's all my fault! I let her take that Red Cross babysitting course!"

I don't think anyone under the age of fifty who wears their hair like that is capable of good judgment.

"Candygram."

"Can I borrow a cup of rape?"

"Well, I'm sure you're a nice person and all, but you look a little too ethnic to be trusted..."

"Yes, Suzie Jenkins down the street would be dumb enough to fall for this trick--and you didn't hear it from me, but chances are the tramp won't scream too much when you mount her..."

"Crap, those robots in the front row are back..."

They look so bored and joyless; must be watching a Tim Allen movie.

They're both lost in their own private Tab Hunter fantasies.

Back before cell phones, jerks were forced to annoy fellow moviegoers by speaking directly to them.

Especially when all of you get tossed out for disruptive conduct.

"Hey, down in front!"
"Find sexual assault victims on your own time!"

"Why sure, I love tossed salad! I believe eating greens is very important..."

That popcorn cost them seven bucks.

"Come on, Liz, I want to meet this guy Sanchez he keeps talking about!"

Hayley Mills will just have to get violated another day.

"We'd better go inside, there's only five more trailers before the feature starts..."

"What happened to Janet Leigh? I stepped out for a bit..."

"I'm sure we can share a victim, right Bobby?"

"Go on, lie and endanger me! If you're my best friend you'll do it!"

They hired a movie theater full of extras, and dammit EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM is getting camera time!

"Great! Now we can go to that place where they pack fudge!"

The poor girl didn't head the Rock Guitar of Doom on the soundtrack.

Well, you know what they say about men and directions...

The Plan Nine From Outer Space dirt road is a major makeout spot in these parts.

"I don't understand, how are we going to get a sandwich all the way out here?"

No, not kissing! I bet they use tongue and everything!

Why do the parents always wait until midnight exactly to call the cops? Is there tax reasons?

Good thing she sleeps with the phone beside her.

It's the 1950s version of Spring Awakening.

"Now of course your harlot daughter will have to be stoned to death; we can arrange a nice private ceremony if you like..."

Oooh, they have fish-shrimp! Maybe they have some chicken-pork as well!

This Good Times off of I-70.

So...he was going to college?

So he stalked Reese Whitherspoon.

1970s hair of the 1950s!

"Thanks--put it on my tab."

"You a spitter or swallower, Mary?"

But not movie stars in cars. That would be too much for a first date.

"Great! I'll go get my Edsel..."

This could be the beginning of a beautiful domestic abuse.

"What do you think of my house?"

The music is mocking her impending assault.

"And over there is where I hid the body of my last girlfriend--but enough about me..."

o/...No one's quick as Bob, no one's slick as Bob...o/

--or any boy, for that matter.

"Bye! I'll let you know if I find my hymen!"

"And we're going to register at Macy's, and you should see the china pattern I've picked out..."

"Go get me a malt, woman!"

Wow, a guy who turned down a threesome? There's something you don't see everyday.

Date Rape Alley is busy on Fridays.

"Come on, I want to ride the see-saw!"

Does his passenger door just not work?

But since we're still under the Hays Code, we can't tell you any more about that...

How demanding can he be? They're in a public park! There's a big family reunion going on just offscreen!

"Tum-te-tum, nothing to see here kids..."

"I left my keys in Bob's car."

So it was against the law to get knocked up in the 1950s? They were stricter than I thought!

George Putnam uses the opportunity to promote his "Perversion for Profit" seminar.

So, basically rapists are motivated by low self-esteem.

"Don't worry, Mary, we'll send you to live with your aunt for a few months, and then you'll have a beautiful baby sibling and we'll never speak of this again."

And remember, nobody buys the cow when they can get the milk for free. Good night.

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Thumbelina, Part 8

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Quite a coup getting the Death of Rats to officiate.

"I'll treasure them always, Teresa."
"Thumbelina."
"Whatever."

Wait, that was Cornelius' ring? Shows how much I've been paying attention....but can you blame me?

Uh-oh, trouble at the Longstocking wedding...

"Does this mean we get to keep the gifts?"

"Do I have to sing another song to set you straight?"

Well, she's already dressed for a clown wedding...

Where was this assertiveness for the past seventy minutes, huh?

"HOWAREYA!"

Wait, I thought he decided he didn't like her...oh who cares, the movie will end faster if they don't explain it.

"Af...lac...."

And our hero stumbles to the rescue!

"Damn, I can't leave that girl alone for a SECOND!"

"Your motor car can't save you now!"

"He was mostly dead, all right?"

Great, now a spider's gonna try to come alomg and bang her..."

"Wait...what was I doing?"

"My blood sacrifice brought it back after all!"

SO, basically Thumbelina suffered from severe seasonal affective disorder...

"I am not left-handed!"

"Hey, you're pretty good. Maybe you should have been the hero of this movie..."

"We're just going to go on ahead to the catered reception, if it's okay with you..."

There, a villain fell to his presumed death. Now that we've ripped off every single Disney cliche ever, can the movie please be over?

"Our honeymoon reservations are non-refundable!"

All I know is, those pirates are gonna be pretty pissed off when they see what happened to their treasure.

"Hooray, they'll be buried alive!"

Well, so much for that. Now what are you going to do about the fact you're dressed like a demented 18th century hooker?

"Aaagh, a dog! Oh wait, that's my shadow..."

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the deus ex machina!

"I'm forced to admit!"

"It was in Miami this whole time!"

See? Men can ask for directions.

Well, she's been abducted by every other male character in this movie, so why not?"

"He's a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in peace. If you hadn't frozen him in the ice he'd be pushing up the daisies. HE IS AN EX-PRINCE!"

"I almost agreed to star in a direct-to-video sequel of this movie!"

"I love Survivor!"

"Here we are--Fargo, North Dakota! Good luck!"

"Come out and pla-ay!"

"Ha-ha, humor him..."

Weed! THAT'S what would make this movie better!

"Sorry, your mom's already turned your bedroom into a sewing box."

"Okay, but my concert fee starts at ten large."

"La la la, gushy romance, can we go now?"

"Hellooo, who's that hot robin over there?"

"Let's forget about the prince and smoke this shit!"

"That's what the GPS says!"

Even the French can boss Thumbelina around.

I've heard of shattering glass with your voice, but icicles?

"Christ, it is FREEZING out here!"

That's the Vale of the Fairies for you: if you don't like the weather, wait five minutes.

Hey, can you move out of the way? I think Fantasia is starting back there!

If she starts singing Creed, I'm leaving.

"I mean, where are all the nightclubs?"

"Hi, what'd I miss?"

"You're never coming back, did I mention that?

"I want to date other fairies."

And the moral of the story is: always marry the first guy you're attracted to!

His kiss changed her dress!

Well, that makes perfect--huh? Oh forget it, it's almost over...

It was nice of the Keeblers to come for the wedding...

A duck! Oh wait, it's her hat...

"Winky, Tinky, quit messing with those flowers and help me play these chimes!"

Meanwhile, back at the lavish estate of the poor old spinster..."

Even the fairies know Wagner!

They got married at the Holy Cathedral of the Wiggles!

And now, an anthem in honor of the bride.
o/...THUM-BE-LIN-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!...o/

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Thumbelina, Part 7

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(Folks, I'm sorry about the sound quality on this one, but it's the best copy of this section of the movie I could find. Also, you may notice we've backtracked a bit.)

(So why don't you just grab a drink, use the restroom, or just skip ahead to the next scene with the toad and the bug, and we'll pick it up there. Sound good? Good. ~TheDiva)

"Um, he was that way when I found him!"

"I prefer Madonna anyway!"

"That I know a way to get rich quick in just three months?"

He must go through mustache wax by the case.

"Now, she might be a little suicidally depressed when you see her..."

WHOA! Suddenly it's a Tarantino movie!

She's buried with a defunct reality series?

"You can't fool me! I don't HAVE a tail!"

For future reference, you probably shouldn't dress the heavy in your movie like Pulchinella.

From the mohel?

"It's worse than what he does to AMC Gremlins!"

They're relatively blase about the serial killer in their midst.

"That's your solution for everything, Billy Bob!"

FINALLY someone in this movie talks sense!
Of course it's the Gilbert Gottfried character, so it still sounds painful..."

"Yeah thanks, we totally didn't see that."

"That's your solution for everything, Billy Bob!"

Didn't David the Gnome live there?

"The door's locked, the walls are nice and soundproof...time for the skin flaying!"

"Money's like manure, you know..."

This from a mouse in baby blue bloomers.

"And there's that whole murdering beetles and displaying their mutilated corpses, but we all have a few quirks..."

She makes a lot of snap judgments about people.

Unusual music for a striptease.

o/...And it's public domain, so we can steal it all we want!...o/

Frosting and sprinkles on a hope chest?

o/...And change his ways tomorrow!...o/

o/...He's kind of insane and he kills just for fun...o/

o/...But that's what Altoids are for!...o/

Ew, old mouse funk!

Did the house from "Hansel and Gretel" just manifest briefly back there?

"And there was a kissing fish too, at least in the version I saw."

At least SOMEONE in this movie has actually read the classics.

No arguments here.

"Getting marries to psychotic recluses builds character!"

"Plastics."

Ew no, that was the maggot nest!

"And wear this tabard!"

"And go to the ceremony dressed as Lady Gaga!"

o/...Heeeeeey, Macarena!...o/

Ah, Minnesota in May...

Still comatose? Good.

"I'm gonna put his wing in warm water..."

"Well, I was planning on dying of hypothermia, but I'll raise my body temperature just for you. Twit."

His beak gloss hasn't even smudged!

"If only I had some basic competence, you wouldn't be in this mess..."

Well, Tom Cruise has done all right for himself...

"Like have the great taste of cream cheese with only half the fat!"

"He has a handsome life insurance policy, and he's blind so arranging an 'accident' would be easy..."

"I suppose I could try taking care of myself...naaah, that's crazy talk!"

"Geez, I can't sleep with you yammering on like that!"

"No, I'm Thumbelina."

"Let me strangle you in my joy!"

"No, no, it's okay, I'm only half frozen and have several broken bones..."

"Oh hey, where did that come from?"

"Now if I pull this, you'll rescue me from being devoured in the Colosseum, right?"

"Oh, your pus is delicious!"

"I'm okay! I'm not as think as you drunk I am!"

"I thought the nice men in white coats helped you with this 'Vale of the Fairies' nonsense..."

Oh yeah, said the three-inch tall girl to the French-accented swallow in Harlequin drag.

There's a fine line between enthusiastic and insane. He's over it by several miles.

"I've had it with this lousy score!"

"He forgot to check out with the front desk...."

Did she say that or did I?

"But if I'd actually told him that, the movie would be over..."

"I told you we should have taken this thing out of the fridge sooner!"

"Oh yeah, the solid block of ice totally has wireless access."

*finger snaps off*

"Quick, you steal his wallet while he's still groggy!"

Hair by Queen Amidala.

Why is she carrying a pink toilet plunger with with palm leaves on it?

I'm surprised they were able to book Redwall Abbey for the ceremony; it's usually a six-month wait...

o/...Let me be--dayam girl, what the Hell are you wearing?

Uh-oh, Thumbelina got lost on the way to the altar...

Hey, they started without her!

Look, a Cootie!

A mood ring? What, the cheap-ass mole couldn't spring for a diamond?

"What? Sorry, I was just listening to the little man in my ring..."

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Thumbelina, Part 6

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"Love between two male swallows is unnatural!"

Everyone say it with her now...

Beautiful.

You know, say what you will about the Disney Princesses, at least most of them didn't whine to their mommies when things didn't go their way...

So...yeah. A shoe.

o/...Fah-hoo forus, dah-hoo dorus, welcome Christmas, come this way...o/

With winter coming, the singing animals were all slaughtered for food. And there was much rejoicing.
(Yay.)

.oO(I don't care if she's lost, that's no excuse to leave the window open! Does she think I'm heating the whole barnyard?)

.oO(I'll just go back to the fairy and get another barleycorn. Maybe it'll grow into a kid with a little more common sense...)

o/...THUM-BE-LIN-AAAAAAAAAAAAAA--
"Oh, shut the fuck up already!"

This is the scene we like to call "Hey, These Characters Are Still In Our Movie!"

Must have been Hell doing to boning on her corsets.

The dog has male pattern baldness!

What era is this set in, anyway? Middle Renaissance Festival?

So, you're really going to go through this entire song again? Folks, now might be a good time for a bathroom break.

Wasn't she the con artist with the fake jewelry in the animated Titanic?

It's a Charlie Brown chicken!

He has a Pop-O-Matic head.

"My nostrils! Who stole my nostrils?!"

Sure it's filler, but at least it's not filler with Gilbert Gottfried talking.

Just because you technically can reach that note doesn't mean you should.

*glass shatters*

From all of us at Thumbelina, have a happy holiday season.

Yup, still a shoe.

Thank God, someone finally killed the soundtrack.

"I was until you started talking."

So, the Cinderella gig wasn't paying the bills, huh?

"The mouth of Hell."

Imagine how awkward it would be if we did this: "Hi, I'm Mr. Human, this is my wife Mrs. Human-Human and our friends the Humans..."

"But where's the land serene and the crystal moon?"

They got Carol Channing because getting Ryan Stiles to do his Carol Channing impression would have cost too much.

"No, and neither will anyone else. Now let's see, the crawl space should be just about ready..."

"Ha-ha, you almost died of hypothermia! You're a laugh riot!"

Her mind isn't so much one track as one note.

"Well duh. How many two-inch-tall humans do YOU see walking around these parts?"

How does she know this stuff? Did she get a copy of the screenplay, like the Electric Mayhem in The Muppet Movie?

"Shame about him running off to New Hampshire with that poolboy."

*Psycho violins*

"Dead? Is that bad?"

"Wow, she's really hamming it up in there."

What are you, the Grinch?

"Good, good, now tell her she was adopted!"

"I have Exposition Tourettes."

"You've got half the animal kingdom lining up to bang you, after all!"

"Except George Clooney. Homina homina!"

"I'm taking you clubbing tonight!"

"With his roommates, Mr. Chipmunk and Miss Northern Short-Tailed Shrew."

"You only have frostbite on three toes, quit being such a baby!"

"I told him you'd do a striptease."

"Well, compared to the other characters in this movie..."

"Come on, give him a few bars of 'Poker Face'!"

And once again, a minor character browbeats Thumbelina into doing something she doesn't really want to do.

"Actually dearie, it was autoerotic asphyxiation...oops, there I go blurting stuff out again!"

Wow, Mole's so rich he just leaves it lying around in his front yard. He's like a redneck with a high tax bracket.

Nope, too subtle. Could you try being a little more ominous?

"Your wealth is looking mighty ostentatious today."

"I seem to have got my head stuck in a coffee filter, could you help?"

"Her boyfriend's dead, you know."

"The attic?"

"Those darn toads coming in and taking jobs from honest mammals..."

A lot of guys talk to a woman's boobs, but it takes a special kind of perv to talk to her cooch!

"Please don't say you want to marry me."

Dude, what are you, four?

"You'll love them, I got out most of the weevils this time!"

"If you eat them fast enough, you don't even notice the taste!"

"Mother warned me that could happen."

So, if he never goes outside, where does his stuff come from?

Well, so much for the "decent" part.

"You two have so much in common!"

"Okay, I'll tell you about Tess of the d'Urbervilles..."

Cool, she's going to do "Doll on a Music Box"!

"Um...line?"

"No, don't encourage her!"

o/...Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me...o/

She said sing, she didn't say anything about interpretive dance!

"Hey babe, it's great being cryogenically frozen. Me and Disney are best buds now..."

"Miss Fieldmouse, why did she stop singing?"
"Um, I think she's having a psychotic episode..."

Andres Serrano's Piss Thumbelina

I think Thumbelina just invented German Existentialism.

"Damn, another boyfriend dissolved on me."

"And I'll remember Mama, too."

Could someone give Thumbelina her Zoloft?

"I liked the part where everything died."

*ahem* "Call me Ishmael..."

"I had tied an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time..."

"The Ark of the Covenant!"

"Let's go poke it with a stick!"

Well, that's your business and nobody else's, I'm sure.

Oh...my...God, he's the Jitterbug serial killer! RUN, THUMBELINA!!!

Hooray! o/...Ding dong the bird is dead...o/

Terminal Frenchness?

"Making statements of 140 characters or less online? Rubbish!"

"Can I have your iPhone?"

"I'm sure the meat will just fall right off the bone when we roast her..."

"Is that a salt shaker on your head?"

Whoops, hit a speed bump in the time stream...

"Wait, haven't we done this part already?"

"Very well. The word is 'Antistratfordianism'."

Are there no myopic girl moles in the area? He should try a dating site.

"What's the word? Oh right, horny."

Hating tedious "comic" misunderstandings like this one?

"-to-to-let me tap that."

What is it with that girl? She must give off serious pheromones or something.

"So could a reader for the blind; I don't see you wanting to marry one."

"I'll give you my lucky Sacajewea dollar!"

She'll do anything for a poker chip.

Don Bluth's The Matchmaker

Um...that's not his heart...

Not dead? Dammit!
Still, he's unconscious and can't sing or talk, so that counts for something...

Thumbelina knows it's Prince Spaghetti Night!

"Cold? I ordered him braised!"

"This is a G-rated movie, we can't die!"

"I've got an idea. Have you ever seen Weekend at Bernie's?

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Thumbelina, Part 5

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Why are we watching Ralph Bakshi's fever dreams?

Critics everywhere react to the world premiere of Thumbelina.

Now see, this is how I think small animals would react to seeing a pink, nearly hairless biped in their midst.

"She only has two legs!"
"Wait, we all have only two legs!"
"Damn this anatomically incorrect character design!"

"I'm peer pressure's bitch!"

And that was the beginning of Thumbelina's humiliation fetish.

"But the toads liked me!"

"Nauseating cuteness AWAY!"

Great, maybe Gargamel will step on them.

...Or they could be eaten by a toad. Eaten is good.

Wow, now I know why they call it a frog in your throat.

"What? I'm just setting up the next plot point..."

"I hated the White Album!"

He can't eat them because he'll go into insulin shock.

"That's just a myth! Myth!"
"Yeth?"

Whoa, mood swing.

"This sounds like a job for Mark David Champan..."

Hey, how'd she get her dress back?

"*sniff* My first encounter with mockery has completely devastated my self-esteem..."

"Come here, tell Aunty Clownface all about it..."

"But mostly I'm emo."

"If it was Ringo, he really shouldn't be throwing stones."

"'Hey Jude' is overrated!"

"I don't know, I haven't spoken to him in twenty-four whole hours..."

Momentary self-image crisis averted.

Remember kids, it doesn't matter what people think of you!....Unless they're pretty. Then you'd better believe it matters.

"Yeah, once I toke up a bit..."

"I promise, but not until just before the contrived deus ex machina resolution, okay?"

.oO(Thank God for internal genitalia; I can sport major wood without her ever noticing!)

If the main characters can't stay awake through this plot, what hope do the rest of us have?

Tiny noose buds!

Just what we needed--another cute anthropomorphic woodland creature!

Bugs Bunny and Wile E Coyote's stunt doubles rehearse their next routine.

Ever since Disney refused to release Song of the South on video, this is the only job they've been able to get.

"Kind of running for my life here, do you mind?"

"Why, do you need a date?"

"I tried, but Titania won't return my calls..."

The Spastic Mr. Fox

"Sorry, I don't speak Latin."

Come on, he's right there, EAT HIM!

And he gets thrown headlong into Sleeping Beauty!

"Good thing this is a G-rated movie, or that might have actually drawn blood."

Thank you, mon capitaine évident.

Oh, he's just pinching it between his wing feathers.

Whew, there was almost a plot obstacle there.

Wow, silent but deadly.

"Autumn! That explains the colorful leaves, colder temperatures and shorter days!"

"...Eh, bugger that, I'm flying to Bermuda like a normal swallow."

Try taking off your helmet; your voice might actually carry then.

Why does Thumbelina even want wings? Half the characters who have them can never use them properly...

Wow, apparently the fairies have access to the magic of Scotchgard.

"You are summoned before the Cuteness Council! Your bee is below the acceptable limit of adorability!"

Maybe they're not bugs at all. Maybe they're the fairies' inbred Appalachian cousins.

I see he decided to conduct an extensive search for her in Hawaii.

"Go on and say it, I've already heard all the jokes."

"Santa Fe. She has relatives there."

"But my bee doesn't have anti-lock brakes!"

"How many more exes does she have? Who do I look like, Scott Pilgrim?"

"Thank you, Exposition Bugs!"

"And we need to cover our tomato plants!"

Ah, another music critic.

"My evil mustache is better than yours!"

Gee, imagine that.

Why is the frog wearing disco pants?

"Bacon-flavored toothpaste! People will love it!"

Really, any scene that involves a representation of Gilbert Gottfried getting beaten up is okay by me.

Do we HAVE to?

Great, now it's Tosca.

"Or if not, there's always eHarmony..."

"I'll do it! I'll nap the trap and set up the prince!"

In fact, don't talk at all, could you do that?

Why are they in cahoots now? Were they just not annoying enough on their own?

Please, PLEASE don't let them do a reprise of that "Let Me Be Your Wings" song...

I agree. Can we file a complaint with the MPAA?

They're a Stooge or two shy of a comedy routine.

"I'll be he'll enjoy it, in fact."

"Don't move; if he spots us we'll have to be in more scenes!"

Smart bear; he's just sleeping through the movie.

"Look buddy, if you're not the Berenstains calling with my residuals check I'm not interested."

So his plan is to just harass various preoccupied animals until he comes up with some directions?

"Go 'way; I just had to chase a blonde kid out of my house..."

Winston the Pooh, Winnie's bigger, meaner cousin.

"I should eat him, but I'll only get indigestion."

"What is wrong with everyone? Why do they not want to be bothered by an aggressively fey French swallow?"

The leaves are fiber-optic!

From fall to winter in ten minutes? Must be Colorado.

"Auntie Em, Auntie Em!"

He's flying Puma-Man style!

Jack Frost is back--and this time, it's PERSONAL!

"Easy for you to say, I should be back at the hive keeping warm, not freezing my thorax off out here!"

Figures, give some people an all-wheel drive bee and they think they can ignore basic road safety.

Ooh, bad time to find out your helmet doesn't road test well.

.oO(Hey, what's that sword doing down here?)

And he died with a "Huh, what?" expression frozen on his face.

"No, my cruise souvenir!"

"Hey boss, are you familiar with Alferd Packer?"

.oO(That's it! We'll get a huge chunk of ice and bludgeon him with it--that'll shut him up!)

"You sure? Get him to sing a few bars of 'Purple Rain'!"

Maybe God just wanted you to stop yammering.

This is why you don't want to pay Gilbert Gottfried by the word.

That's it, take him to the nearest cliff and PUSH HIM OVER!

I wouldn't go in there; chances are there's a coatimundi voiced by Harvey Fierstein who thinks she's hot for some reason.

Our heroine--a girl who can't run ten yards without tripping over her own two feet!

Damn, is EVERYONE in this movie coated with Teflon?

Nah, the owner of that place has so many children she wouldn't know what to do with you.

Too bad the Weasleys are going to come by later and use her shelter for a Portkey.

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