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"On a quiet little street, in a town not unlike this one..."As the Old Guy
As His Daughter
As the "Help"
The Sun Myung Moon Story
Drop it like it's hot.
Ball-less?
.
o
O
(My god, how many of these things are going to fit in her ear?!)
o
O
(My god, how many of these things are going to fit in her ear?!)
"We haven't wife-swapped in YEARS..."
Someone skipped a line.
"...because you're wanted felons..."
Female character acting has come a long way.
Female character acting has come a long way.
Actually, no. Judging by the current crop of sitcoms. No. No it hasn't.
Actually, no. Judging by the current crop of sitcoms. No. No it hasn't.
"...I just don't care."
"The drag club he liked, but that was his idea."
The classic nervous, When-is-this-going-to-get-funny? laugh.
"Or at least being chased by it."
Piglet. Tigger. Eeyore, even!
"...a letter of marque for the Jim Hutchens Gang."
"...the wacky music suggests something stupid is about to happen."
"This really isn't our class of people."
"It might go off!"
"...visiting Grandma."
It's a BANJO. That's reason enough.
A .30 calibur M1 rifle -- WHAT DO YOU THINK IT IS!?
Well, he was your homeroom teacher.
BURN!
"Psst! Zuul? I got your money."
A waffle cone and a pack of ham?
"You were a mistake with the milkman. What's the matter -- did I say something wrong!?"
MERKLE! MERKLE! MERKLE!
"...as long as they don't sleep in the same bed."
"I mean, he'll hit you and stuff..."
"It's a metaphor. Christ, how much thalidomide was I taking when I squirted you out?
"He's swinging his belt. Is that bad?"
"But I thought I was your sister."
"NOT THAT ONE!"
"...he does get violent when he's drunk."
Back then, feminism consisted of gently suggesting a salad dressing.
"Oh Mum! I've never ridden in an ambulance before."
YOU CALLED HIM BY THE WRONG NAME! RUN!
*hyperventilates*
"The Indochina thing will be handled shortly, Cuba and the Suez Canal are quiet, and that b-actor on 'General Electric Theater' has finally stopped making movies. What could possibly go wrong?"
"No hit, Jim!"
"I TOLD YOU TO CALL ME DADDY!"
"I TOLD YOU TO CALL ME DADDY!"
"Those squirrels can be drowned in the morning."
"Maybe after his fourth bourbon."
And comedy is narrowly averted.
"My son's an imbecile."
"It means one drunken U.S.O. afterparty and she's got you for 18 f***ing years, kid."
"Mind, son. Not naughty bits."
"Is that different?"
"For them, yes."
"Is that different?"
"For them, yes."
"Like any hint of inner life or personality. Don't worry, I'll crush them."
(Blowjob)
Look, the return in and of itself is not comedy.
Look, we know it's Beefeater.
"Well, Bud said his music teacher was over all afternoon..."
Something tells me that "old one of his" is long past rescuing.
↑
WARMING UP HER WRIST
WARMING UP HER WRIST
"Who told the imbecile he could speak?"
More than we can say for your acting.
"...b*tch."
ZIPPER
↓
↓
"If we could publicly acknowledge homosexuality yet, I'd call him all sorts of things."
Mr. Ed has horse sense, after all.
Get what?
HANDJOB
↓
↓
WHAT IS?
"You should see the tracks on Mertyl's duvet!"
"Shnookums, I told you never to call me here."
"Time for the belt."
"How do you arrange a wife-swap?"
"I mean, how bad can modern dance be?"
You'd better fiddle with more buttons than that, dear.
Phylicia Rashad would've bitchslapped him and dragged his ass to the car.
"All the kids are getting tattoos."
"Kids! Call Dr. Werther. Your mom's about to fall down the stairs."
"Right about you, anyway."
(White Male White Lie #1)
(White Male White Lie #1)
(White Male White Lie #2)
(White Male White Lie #2)
"To 'step up to the streets.' WHAT streets?"
(We don't even lie about that anymore.)
"Or the Achy Breaky?"
"Everyone who's having sex tonight."
OH! SNAP!
"Do it like they do on the Discovery Channel."
"Annoy the f*** out of me, like the children?"
The neighbors have seen "Boys Beware."
"Like bring me to orgasm."
Was that funny, or darkly Arthur Miller-ish?
Scientology?
"Get myself a hooker..."
(Ladyboys)
"Do you even still have a Stepford Card?"
You really shouldn't read the Wall Street Journal past the financial pages.
"...during the War."
"Tit jokes..."
Watch America's favorite nearly-divorced couple, Friday nights on CBS Television!
"From getting married?"
Old age penis?
Looks, it's just called a "club" to get around Salt Lake City's alcohol laws. Stop overselling it.
I thought you were tired.
"...with the devil."
"Bland and limp as our soulless decade!"
I am...
He's clearly the child deepest in denial.
Jane Wyatt in Father Knows Breast!
"Change in front of me again!"
"Piss off."
The Dance of Divorce
"YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER TALK ABOUT MY HEAD!"
"...And tell her she's a whore."
"...Oh no wait. I do. I was thinking of something else."
"10 minutes. Eight dollars and fourty two-"
I'd get to third base with 1954 Ann B. Davis.
"...with those ladyby, jubblie things..."
"Yeah, she'll probably do a better job for less pay, but still."
A KNOCK at the door. Henpecked Ed enters,
looking henpecked.
ED
(henpecked)
May I come in?
looking henpecked.
ED
(henpecked)
May I come in?
"I'm not speaking to the c*nt."
A decade so bland clubs didn't even have names.
"Much like those hard-working Koch brothers."
It's so awkward talking to someone you met in A.A.
.
o
O
( Look at that sweet ass go. )
o
O
( Look at that sweet ass go. )
"In a Margaret Thatcher kind of way."
"There might be new ideas to confuse me there."
"Now, I'm not saying I've invited several men over tonight..."
No, the timing conversation was about birth control.
"...A titty bar is no place for a teenage girl to be calling."
"What the f***, mom?"
W I F E
H A T E
H A T E
"You been talking to the Feds?"
Prison. Prison...
"Started asking questions, ya know what I mean?"
Charlie from Vietnam?
Polygamy AND child marriage?!
"Anyway, Blue 4."
"Reverse Direction."
"Skip."
"Reverse Direction."
"Skip."
"I'm vaguely ethnic, so zhat will be vonderfully creepy!"
He's HUGE!
Never any professional love for the Robot.
"This is called the Korean War."
"Clancy the Clown."
COMMIE!
"I'm sorry. I was trying to make you die with my thoughts."
"If you think you're man enough."
♪ With your feet in the air and your head on the ground/
Try this trick and spin it... ♪
Try this trick and spin it... ♪
"No you idiot. We were arguing over Liza's mammaries."
(And subsequent cryogenic freezing.)
"Yeah, your wife usually wants seconds."
When did you retire from teaching?
Contacting joke
Contacting joke.
Contacting joke..
Contacting joke...
Contacting joke....
Contacting joke.....
Contacting joke......
Contacting joke........
Contacting joke.........
Contacting joke..........
Contacting joke..........
Establishing Connection
Establishing Connection
Contacting joke..........
Establishing Connection
Negotiating joke
Establishing Connection
Negotiating joke
Do the Warsaw Pact!
"DID I MENTION I'M VAGUELY ETHNIC, MIZZ LADY!?"
"That's what the milkman always says."
That would make one of us.
"That's what the milkman always says too."
"I never want to see any of you AGAIN..."
*squeeka squeeka squeeka*
They say he improvised that line.
It was night. I felt the urge to kill rising in me...
Drops it on the Craft Services table, and...
"Heh. Heh. Heh. (Quiet up there!)"
Whose hand is that!? ↑
"That's okay. We've gassed most of the wildlife."
.
o
O
(Don't look in my room, don't look in my room, don't look in my room...)
o
O
(Don't look in my room, don't look in my room, don't look in my room...)
Clearly they've missed the point of the Ouija Board.
Old Blue? It's two words.
How can you not use foreign words in American English?
No manual stimulation! No foreplay!
I believe her.
"Don't sass me, ho bag."
*smack!*
"I'm in deep to this bookie."
"Nothing new there."
"I sent bombers over the Dew Line -- it's your turn."
C A S T R A T I O N
"I was in the basement laboratory, and..."
HE'S BEHIND THE DOOR!
Maybe he went to that Bluegrass concert next door.
Black people, but you'll do just fine stealing it.
"SHUT UP!"
Away to the window I flew like a ditz
Tore open the shutter, and threw up in fits
Tore open the shutter, and threw up in fits
♫ You want this money then you've gotta be a bad b*tch... ♪
Let this be an object lesson in nostalgia.
"God you suck."
*closes the window, locks the door*
"That you stop hitting the children."
I don't believe this really is Spanish.
That's a klieg light with a gobo.
Booger check.
DDT.
"F*** ME NOW!"
"Oh sh*t. We have kids."
And it's ending, one day at a time...
Par for the course, if you like P.G. Wodehouse.
Oh god, they're going to be devouring milk and olives off each other.
"Then I settled for you."
*takes the olives, leaves*
CRACK!
Talk... about... foreshadowing.
How did he ever get around to directing Clooney in Three Kings?
Roswell Rogers sounds like a guy who should be in New Mexico selling alien bobbleheads out of a pop-top camper.
The credits are encountering turbulence...
♬ Hand jobs, come get your hand jobs... ♫
(More famous for "Partridge Family 2200 A.D.")
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