Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Romeo and Juliet: Sealed With a Kiss Part 5

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Just imagine how many anglerfish are needed to make those spotlights...
"Get your hand off my back flippers."
*crickets chirp*
"That was the worst dancing we've ever seen!"
Look, Mr. Ray in his first role!
"How gauche."
Shakespearean scholars everywhere react to Romeo and Juliet: Sealed With a Kiss.
Even the mutants disapprove!
"Wait, why do we care about this again?"
"That's it, you're dinner."
Yes, a Capulet and a Montague. DEAL ALREADY!
"Help us, the camera spin is out of control!"
"Why are we running? We could have this entire ballroom for breakfast!"
"No, I was saving myself for my wedding night!"
"Romeo, are you familiar with the term 'hentai'?"
Octopuses burp smog. Learn something new everyday.
At least the ink cloud obscures the movie.
"Did I just get whipped by a whiny seal pup?"
Still, this is a nice use of the Whose Line Is It Anyway? theme.
"I knew we should have honeymooned at Bob Jones University instead!"
"Ha-ha, nothing like tormenting creatures smaller and weaker than yourself!"
"You know, in retrospect it was a stupid thing to get worked up over..."
Andretti in the lead as we go into the final lap...
Did a fairy just fly by?
Sawyer? Locke? Anybody home?
Palin's right, I CAN see Russia from here!
"This is nice; I never even knew there was a tropical lagoon in Canada!"
Why aren't we supposed to chase those again?
"Mine! Mine!"
"Sorry, got a bit of krill caught in my throat."
The pine trees were drawn by an eight-year-old...
"That's funny, it's been ten seconds and nobody's bothered us about our miscegenation."
"What's your tongue doing?"
"So that was sex, huh?"
"Say, do you mind if Benvolio joins us?"
"Um, okay, now..."
"Ow!"
"Sorry...maybe I should..."
"No, not there, lower..."
"Down here?"
"Not that low, idiot...
And so, children, the two underage seals made sweet, sweet love through the day...
OHMYGODHIDEME!!!
"Don't worry, it happens to every seal."
"Sorry, I should have asked you about the threesome first..."
"What are you, my mother-in-law?"
It's been a few years since I read it--was there really an annoying ADD kid in Romeo and Juliet?
"No, but you can be my lunch."
I think the plot is officially off the rails now.
"SOMEONE has stolen my fins!"
THIS IS GOD. YOU HAVE ANGERED ME, BRATTY KID FISH!
"Really? We hadn't noticed."
"You caught us, kid. We're just in it for the wild casual sex."
I am not comfortable with the mouth ratio on that thing.
"....Well, THAT killed the mood. You want to just cuddle?"
Are they being abducted by aliens?
"Great, I just rented a tux for NOTHING!"
The Dr. Seuss Reef
"Great, we're perfectly safe until we have to breathe."
Yay, Jaws is after them!
Wait, how did they even know the Prince was following them?
...And why am I trying to find logic in this silly Disneyfied plot line?
Phew, that was close. Something exciting almost happened.
"You're so cute when you're belittling others to inflate your own sense of self-worth."
Christ, it's like the annoying cousin you can't get rid of at a family reunion...
"Do you like algae tabs? I like algae tabs...Oh hey, a catfish!"
...Wait, what?
"We have to get to the next plot point, hurry!"
"Why does everyone run away from me?"
It's already there, honey.
Great, they exploded.
What, they still haven't beaten the crap out of him? What are they waiting for, an invitation?
"We're gonna get torn apart by an angry mob, it's so funny!"
"...he was banned from the Internet?"
With any luck, that's a volcanic eruption about to go off under him.
Look, just leave him already! You'll be doing the Montagues a favor...
"Did everyone in the back catch that?"
Finally, someone's taking matters into their own flippers!
So Mercutio is Italian for "oblivious"....
Because they can hear you from all the way on the other side of the beach?
WILL SOMEONE JUST EAT HIM?!
"First chance I get, I'm pushing him into a set of six-pack rings..."
"I'm begging you, put him out of my misery!"
Oooh, Prince should join a symphonic metal band.
"How about I hold you under and you can find out?"
"I will perfectly understand if you want to kill him."
Did they record his lines by having him shout into a trash can?
Okay, that is the third time you've misused that word. You are dead to me. DEAD.
Yes kids, teasing fat people is fun for the whole family!
"Well, I need some comfort food, and they're right there..."
Dammit, who said that?
"If you're going to eat Mercutio, I want to watch!"
"He is such a moron."
"Oh, heh-heh, you're much bigger up close...uh, carry on then..."
His nose doubles as a whoopie cushion.
"How about we trade off? You can get her Monday through Wednesday, I'll take Thursday through Saturday and we can alternate Sundays, deal?"
Did...did he just suggest jacking off to this?
"I've already tapped that."
"Great, he had a heart attack--who wants to be the next Lord Capulet?"
HI-HO, SILVER!
"Yeah, but it's totally not mutual. I'm sure you can get some rebound action off her..."
Maybe Mercutio is Itallian for "tone killer."
Me too. I recommend Atkins--plenty of seal meat.
Wait, so the Prince is Tybalt too? Does he also fill the roles of Juliet's Nurse and the Apothecary?
Never say "eating a ball" again...
GO PRINCE! GO PRINCE! GOOOOOO PRINCE!
"Can I have your stereo?"
"It's not worth the bad jokes!"
"If he went that way, he'd have gone straight to the castle!"
They did ADR in an airline hangar.
"I call you 'Blubberbutt' cause you're fat, geddit?"
"Let him go, I've been trying to get rid of Mercutio for years!"
So, huge drop?
Shallow tide?
Huge pointy rocks at the bottom?
This is gonna be goooooood.
"Thanks! I've been meaning to start my own business..."
I know, isn't it glorious?
Do they really have that many baobab trees near the Arctic Circle?
Try Hari Krishna.
"Ha-ha, that one knocked 'em dead in Miss Harper's kindergarten class!"
"Just let the Prince kill you and get it over with!"
You know, I bet you could prove you're smarter than that.
YAY!
Ah, sweet, sweet karma.
"Maybe someone I haven't alienated will save me!...Oh, I am so dead..."
"I just wanted to tell you you brought this on yourself."
"Benvolio would have loved me if not for you!"
You are not cool enough for this line.


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Friday, April 23, 2010

Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn 1987 Part 9

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um...sorry could you say that again?
That's the cameraman? Sam Raimi must really belive in equal oppertunities!
why the Winodows Movie Maker transition?
"The Hand shall always triumph b*tch!"
"I wanted to do that!"
and the TARDIS comes shooting out of it
wait...is the camerman the Abzorbaloff?
okay...guy who uplaoded this...WHAT'S WITH THESE TRANSITIONS?
Raimi: HEY YOU STUPID TIME RIFT, GIMME BACK MY CAR!
"Oh cr*p."
"Two was enough Raimi, don't make me star in another one of these movies!"
Hey it's that episode of Pokemon that gave everyone seizures!
Raimi: Oh crud, I bet that ruined the suspension!
"Oh no I ended up in Kansas!"
"Ni!"
"I am a servant of Harryhausen, I will destroy you all!"
"I love you Sir."
"Why are you telling me what the weather is goign to be like?"
CATERRING
Ian's Scones
ACTION BY
HAVOC
HAVOC BY
Bruce Campbell
Okay...what was the point of that one?


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Saturday, April 17, 2010

Jesus and Moses Went Golfing

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"...you said we'd be in the desert for a week."
Book of Clubs: 8 wood 4
Please don't do that.
Spreads a choirboy's anus, and...
Jesus doesn't handle confrontation well.
But it's hard to make par with your penis.
Passive-aggressively immitating Charlie Chaplin.
Moses was just being an asshole.
Is Jesus doing the sound effects too?
( / 2) -
For more of God being a dick, please read the Old Testament.
" God is just sick of your masturbating. "
(The guy reaching for the man with the limp penis.)
Did he say when?
.
o
O
(He's right... He's right... That's right... Oh my god, that's so right...)
Did they know how condoms worked?
"BASTARDS!"
It also lets SATAN crawl up your hoo-ha.
"You... SLUT."
Actually, the Catholic church has spent the last thousand years debating the point of "ensoulement" without coming to any solid consensus.
Something that happens naturally to 60-80% of fertilized eggs anyway. (Yes, fertilized eggs.)
Wait, when did logic come into the Catholic church?
Or "GALILEO WAS RIGHT!" prior to Nirvana dropping the Nevermind album.
There there, Thomas Aquinas, William of Occam and Aristotle -- the molestache man is almost done.
Yes, I can clearly see the moral and logical problem you've backed yourself into.
←Bad    Good→
"Sorry about your son's sphincter, here's some money..."
Do you get the feeling that somewhere there's a shop class missing its wacky teacher, and the girls are having to use the bandsaw without someone leaning over to guide both of their hands?
Brought to You by Your Ashur-Worshipping Friends in Ninveh:
Capital of the Ancient Assyrian Empire
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Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn 1987 Part 8

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and the fans watch that bit another dozen times before moving on to the rest of the film
"Sorry, just need to stretch my roots."
I guess they lost the key
"No this isn't one of them, this is the last page of The Deathly Hallows."
"That's a page from Twilight."
"It was probably just the wind."
"Why are you guys always grabbing me by the hair?"
"Look, up on the ceiling."
"It's a bird."
"It's a plane."
"It's SUPERZOMBIE!"
"Oh snap he's not dead!"
and he wets himself
does she realize that she's now made it easier for him to slice through her neck?
and the guy who did the poster for Alien Vs Predator gets an idea
Oh good, Whomping Willows
"THIS CAMERAMAN'S BIG MOMENT!"


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Friday, April 9, 2010

Romeo and Juliet: Sealed With a Kiss Part 4

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Sounds like the unicorns from Legend are walking by...
"Sudden infatuation is fun!"
What I wouldn't give for a poacher to club him right about now.
"He's mentally disturbed, and I find that charming!"
Um, isn't it tomorrow already?
"I know, I'll swim across to Hogwarts!"
"Wanna go bark at some tourists?"
Mr. Mercutio, is there something you'd like to share with the rest of the movie?
He has to laugh at himself because nobody else will.
"Promise?"
"He was suicidal?"
He truly is the George Carlin of the pinniped world.
.oO(He's been at this for ten hours now...)
.oO(If I kill him now, the sharks will get to his body before anybody notices he's missing...)
"Actually sand fleas are a type of crustacean and are unrelated to canine parasites..."
KILL HIM! KILL HIM! KILL HIM!
.oO(Yes, this will be perfect for bashing his head in...)
Maybe Benvolio is just stoned out of his gourd, that's why he's not doing anything about this...
"Lookit me, I'm a Rastafarian!"
Yeah, compared to Jay Leno.
On behalf of everyone everywhere, we'd like to apologize for that last scene.
Ah, the mysterious Voice Synthesizer Grotto...
Jack Sparrow is fighting Barbossa in there, Captain Hook's tying Tiger Lily to a rock...
"Friar Laurence, can you turn off the vaguely eerie chant music and come out here for a second?"
.oO(Maybe if I call his name ten more times, he'll show up...)
So seals are Catholic? I'd always thought they'd be into Zen...
The Hildegard von Bingen Caverns
Voldemort's Horcrux must be here somewhere...
So, basically you went to Shakespeare's page on Wikiquote and made a movie around it, huh?
"This is gonna be the best gumbo EVER!"
"That's my favorite web bookmarking utility!"
"Uh, I wasn't breaking my Lenten fast!"
Is it really a good idea for a friar to have a portal to Hell in his chambers?
He's a fried friar! Ha ha...kill me, please.
Isn't this Ursula's old pad?
I didn't know otters changed color if you got them warm...
"I can't tell you how long I've waited to hear you say that..."
"I thought she was into ME!"
"Okay, you're mental then."
"Next thing you know you'll be wanting me to make a living death potion so you two can be together!"
"It's not like I'm looking for a lifetime commitment or anything!"
Friar Laurence was pressured to resign by the state of Louisiana after refusing to perform an interracial seal marriage.
"I'll be your best friend! I'll share my dessert with you at lunch!"
"Accidental death and suicide, I guess."
"She's the most beautiful girl I've met this week!"
"Oh who asked you, crock pot?"
"Next they'll be asking me to marry Mercutio and Benvolio..."
"What do you think, oh Holy Oyster of Saint Lutrinae?"
"No, those pearls were my retirement fund!"
So he's kind of a Catholic-Pagan-Voodoo priest, I guess...
"Peanut butter and chocolate together?"
Jay-Jay Jet Plane: A Love Story
So, their love will lead to a square dance?
"But you have to attend three weeks of pre-nuptial counseling first."
"Easy boy, Friar Laurence is being very closely monitored by the diocese."
"Or maybe it'll just cause this whole damn feud to blow up in our faces."
"Hi, I'm here for the Naomi Circle meeting..."
"I've missed you so much--it's been minutes since I saw you last!"
"Come on, let's get married so we can get it on!"
Um, if you're diabetic, you might want to look away now.
"No, we're gonna do it right here in the narthex!"
"Except for the part that's devoted to Edward Cullen."
"Holy estate, instituted by God, blah blah blah..."
"Oh yeah, we gotta hurry 'cause I'm taking the youth group bowling this afternoon."
*Beauty and the Beast theme music*
Quite a coup getting Captain Nemo to play for their ceremony...
"...In sickness and in health, till ridiculously contrived death do you part?"
I'm sure most priests have a rule against marrying people when they're baked...
"Mmmmm, you're so temporarily attractive."
They must've had a hell of a time installing a rose window in the cave like that...
o/....Aaaaaaave Mariiiiiia....o/
So, what do you throw at a seal wedding, anyway? Plankton?
Meanwhile, in The Day the Earth Froze...
o/...It's the ciiiiircle of liiiiiife...o/
Gaah, not him again!
"Shut up now or I will end you."
Can he really be the "comic relief" when he's neither?
Smarter than you?
.oO(Hey, if I hold my flippers like this, I can hear the ocean...)
o/...Every seal's a little bit racist todaaaaay...o/
"Sorry, skipped second breakfast today."
Finally, someone's going to kill him!
Even Michael Richards thinks his routine is insensitive.
"Dude, I only have a system of paired ganglia and even I don't find you funny."
"Please, save me! He won't stop until he's dead!"
Ha-ha, he's a lovable genocidal maniac!
We're not that lucky.
"So, lynch him or just beat him to death?"
IMAX presents: The Ocean Floor
It's padding, but at least it's not Mercutio telling bad jokes.
Ladies and Gentlemen: ENYA!
I"m swimming, Romeo! I'm swimming!"
Okay, let's see...*checks IMDb* 2006. Okay, so this joke isn't quite a decade out of date...
So nice of Yanni to play their wedding reception for them.
"Hey, look over here: a corpse of a terrier with a boom box!"
John Jacob Astor's throwing a party!
Hate to break this to you, but the Californian isn't coming...
"Wanna check out the cigar bar?"
Kate Winslet's ghost meets them coming the other way...
Filmed at Norma Desmond's house.
"It's beautiful! Just think, people perished in here!"
"You got a fake ID on you?"
A jazz rave?
It's less impressive when you realize he needs half his arms to play a simple chord.
"Have you tried the drowned corpses yet? They're delicious!"
"We can't stay long; my dad has a strict ten o'clock curfew."
"Fresh! Just cause we're married doesn't mean you can kiss me whenever you want!"
They're so sweetly dysfunctional.
Romeo's signaling that he's into bondage.


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Thursday, April 8, 2010

2010 K-POP Single Chart (March Week 3)

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2010: A K-Pop Odyssey
"What!?"
"Ow!"
"Quit it!"
"Dammit!"
"Quit shoving!"
It could be gas.
Translation: "...but the Body Shop was closed!"
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To be fair, chicks with violins rock.
           
To be fair, chicks with violins rock.
Shouldn't he be wearing tissue boxes on his feet?
"Go my child! Escape from the man fairy!"
To be exact, love, a can of Red Bull, and two shots each of Bacardi and Jagermeister taught me to drink.
"Play it again, Chan."
"My urine sample!"
.
o
O
(Dammit, I'm almost out of condiments)
Seeing as this appears to be a tv show theme, you'd think cutting a video wouldn't have been ponderous.
If you squished today and twenty years ago together, this is the horrible clothing you would end up with.
I thought HOPPER + DRAMA = EASY RIDER
(Shouldn't this be over?)
Boyz II Twatz
Walk into the damn light!
You: zip up
You: unzip
What about Noein?
8eight appears with 2AM and 4Men in the new release Now 7hat's What 1 Call 1nexplicable Use of Digits #7.
Where do you get a belt with a heat exchanger?
Not his usual look. He came here straight from dodging the "100M from a school or playground" restriction slapped on him by the judge.
There's a joke you're not in on here: The band is called "4Men," but there are three of them, without a testicle between them.
I Can't (Theme to Virginia Woolf's "To the Lighthouse")
I want to enjoy this, but there's an air of barely-contained desperation around these women.
See what I mean?
; _ ;
^_^
You do know they make unobtrusive mics, right?
Love. I'm noticing a theme here.
Falling Down II: Lady Luckless
A sewer in my bed...!

[INSERT EMOTION HERE]
"Hey! It's only raining in front of the camera!"
Yay! The shocker song!
Two in the pink, one in the stink! Shock! SHOCK!
Maybe they're saying "shuck." It could be a corn song.
But didn't get a wrist or a finger
Goddamn the cur
Jack, that cat
(He's technically a woman but don't tell the officer)
Korean is not a language you can "spit."
People who won't even dog-ear a page run in fear from
Marginalia Man!
The hand bump. Classic.
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Well don't everybody run away. Somebody's got to clean up around here.
*Lloyd Thaxton pedals through*
I knooooow a little place/ Not far from town/
(Gotta go) A kind of pretty place/ Three up, two down
Ahh. The Korean Miley.
"Good. Gooooood..."             ↑
Another song with "love" in the title. Take a drink.
Confirm. Deny.
You take that back!
Usually you have to be near a base to get Cum-Shot Happy Entertainment in Korea.
Not that I'd... know....
I'm getting a little sick of running too.
What are we running from, at least?
Stop telling me what to do!
+5 Chain Mail? She can't equip that until level 15!
Does lupin grow in Korea? Or is this a posh remake of "Hungry Like the Wolf?"
Sarah Jessica Park Hyor
"Wait! I'll get furniture! I swear."
"Or a door! At least I'll get a door!"
I hear the Marvel continuity nazis sh*t kittens when Dazzler moved to Korea and had a son.
"Or scenery outside of the windows! Anything!"
"You know I love you more than my cheap particle effects! Please!"
Sentinel attack! Hit the deck.
Gee. This video.
Cut scenes from a movie in, and it's MTV: 1988-1994.
(For those younger people in the audience, MTV used to play music.)
BubbleLove.com was already registered. And she was NOT happy with what she found there.
Someone lob another mortar.
2AM: The all fighting-game-villain band
Yes, you did wrong. Now comb it flat again.
Did anyone else just see Kim Jong Il?
D'oh, my bad!
Look, we'll see if we can sort it out with super glue...
What's with the fourth grade love note? I thought child molestation was only big in Japan.
She been driving me so blue
I'll not chicken out again!
Her mom's so cocky...
Young as kids can get...
Yes, "T-ara" is #1. We haven't been counting up.
I know someone who goes crazy because of his violent psychoses. Y'all should hang.
Somewhere in Seoul: "It's peurile, but it doesn't have an annoying repeated phrase. Who wrote that 'Oh Oh Oh Oh' bit for T-ara? Get me that bastard. That bastard sh*ts gold records!"
"What a world!"
Chunky? Lady, Gainax characters are chunky compared to you.
Fosse!
To recap #1: Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, chunky-chunky-chunky-chunky-chunky-chunky-chunky, Satan'll never reach out.
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Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn 1987 Part 7

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"Ok, I've always wanted to join the headless hunt!"
"CAMPBELL SMASH!"
"PULL MY FINGER!"
like the aliens from Signs, people possessed by evil spirits can't get through wooden doors.
and they're very annoyed about it
"Well I never liked you anyway."
"ummm...AHHH?"
"Hello again."
"Hey, while your down there could you get those pages back?"
.oO I wonder how much I can get for this on E-Bay
"Here's Johny!"




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