Friday, June 11, 2010

Robin Hood: Guest for the Gallows

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Admittedly better than the adventures in Jean-Claude Forest.
Luckily the Gallows have a spare bathroom and a nice futon.
Is he singing in Welsh?
"You're barred mate."
"Oh, and NI!"
Isn't that... isn't that your job?
"Plague-ridden, you?"
Their tax collector is Sportacus!
That's fine. It's a tax, not a toll.
"Since when do serfs have no money?"
"And spanked."
Will Stupid?
"Tax the rich people instead, sire?"
"What are you, a communist?"
"We can arrest them too!"
"You're fired."
Tootley? Bookey? Mookley?
"The UK is no place for it!"
Because nothing teaches people to obey the law like arbitrarily bending it.
Meanwhile, at Maurice Ogden Memorial Park...
This is a pretty dour SCA gathering.
Took Mookley!
"Your hamster smelt of elderberries!--No, that's not it, shoot!..."
Sir Thomas Mallory's La Redemption de Shawshanke
"Hey, this is just styrofoam."
No film exposes well during Armageddon.
Mike Pipper, Mendicant
"Hey, you dropped your-"

"Shh! Shh!"
"Sweet, now I have something to wrap my sores in!"
"Damn trees, how am I supposed to find the forest?"
"Mein Fuhrer, I can walk!"
"Ewww, it tastes of sweat and pig's vomit!"
"Ha, ten feet! Beat my old record!"
Treebeard, NOOOOOOO!
The Pseudo-Medieval Internet
Forest living must be hell on those tights.
The sheriff already hanged Stuckeys about three hours ago.
"Oh yes very funny guys, bury him in hay while he sleeps, that's...what...the fifth time you've done that this week?"
"My favorite, roasted Ewok!"
Looks like Molly Grue finally landed her dream job.
Pretty lousy turnout for the Ren Faire this year.
They shouldn't have hung the boom mike in the trees.
"Someone has fired a pair of underpants at us!"
"Eat butt crack?"
Medival Pictionary
"I can tell by this child's drawing of the sun."
Including Norm Abrams?
"Besides, Glee is on tonight!"
"Get me Bruce Willis!"
All that for Will Snorky? No wonder the sheriff's always raising taxes.
Annunciation, people!
"Or was that a George Carlin bit?"
"Now, round me up some human shields!"
"Hey, I'm all man and don't you forget it!"
It's a wandering pastry chef!
"Hey, the arrow trees are blooming!"
"Don't worry, I'm just going to rob you, sodomize you, and leave you for dead."
"Just your entire livelihood--that's not too much to ask, is it?"
"Oh no, he is lightly touching my head, there's nothing I can do to escape!"
(I'd have to think about it.)
"Keeping his thumbs intact oughta do it."
A shrew trainer?
"I meant to do that."
"Um, I've changed my mind. I'd rather have the robbery and murder if you don't mind..."
"Look, am I on Ye Olde Candid Camera or something?"
"Hey boys, this alone is worth five pounds!"
Ye Three Stooges
"And I'll throw in two tickets to the bear baiting."
Hey, the butcher was Seth Rogen in disguise all along!
Meanwhile, in stately Wayne Manor...
I don't think his milkmaid disguise is very convincing.
"You know, you look just like that Robin Hood guy, but you can't be him because you're wearing a bonnet."
"If you know what I mean."
"I love the smell of pitch in the morning...."
Crimes against realm
It forward
Will Stukley
Will Rogers
His random crap stall isn't doing very good business today.
"Why are you laughing? I haven't said anything yet."
"What are you doing later tonight?"
Yum, rancid pork!
Lady Taute of Brest
His vocal coach is Harvey Fierstein.
And so, brave Robin Hood drove the butcher out of business and condemned him to a life of destitute poverty...
( Ooh, I'd love to trim her fat... )
"Even though I was going to pay the other guy twice as much."
Cute as a button, dumb as a knob. She is the prototypical Maid Marian.
Think of how many parasites are swapping places right now...
(Note that no one is especially surprised to see Marian doing this.)
"Are you still charging kisses? 'Cause the leper colony needs some mutton..."
*trombone* Waaah waaah waaah...
Oh Robin, you delightful shallow sexist pig!
"Meet me around back in fifteen minutes."
"*ahem* Excuse me, I'm a poor widow..."
"Come on, I'm just destabilizing the local economy, there's no harm in it!"
Ever thought of asking, Robin?
"Sinners in the Tavern" would be a great name for a folk band.
"I'm going to go burn some heretics!"
So, are these the "Boys in the Hood"? (Don't hit!)
"Violence yes, thrashings no."
Hypocrisy in a priest? Well, I never!
So, thus far Robin has tormented a poor butcher, taken business away from honest tradesmen, and started a fight. What a brave and noble hero!
No, no, your line is "Hullo, hullo, wot's all this then?"! Don't you know anything about being a British lawman?
"Stolen Meat" would also be a great name for a band.
"Well having been stolen once it can be stolen again..."
"We're thinking of striking gluttony from the list, all right?"
"Yes, it was more of a tumult."
And thus the first Wal-Mart was born.
"Well, when a bull loves a cow very much..."
♪ "When you read you begin with A-B-C
When you sing you begin with Do-Re-Mi..." ♪
( Holy sh*t, he's coming on to me! )
"By the way, has anyone told you that you look like Robin Hood in a bad disguise?"
And thus didst Robin slit his throate, and the reign of terror-

No? No.
"No, I can't stand whiners."
"I'm actually a baker."
"Why IS a raven like a writing desk?"
So this whole thing is just an instructional film on the meat-packing industry?
"Okay, there was pork too; that comes from pigs..."
"I'm actually Satan you see."
"Would you say you have a plethora, Jefe?"
"I give a lot of meat for good tail. You know..."
Eww, what's Sheriff doing with that hand?
"Luckily I got a student deferment."
( Did this just get really gay? )
Remember when Robin Hood got into archery contests and daring rescues, instead of dabbling in the commodities market?
Wow, that', anyone know the current exchange rate with late 12th century England?

Back then they had to use pig's fat and horse excrement for hair gel.
My God, is EVERY line in this a double entendre?
"Fetch my riding pimp gloves!"
"I'll Tivo it."
"After all, I am a sadistic little bastard."
Did they expect horses with a lower clearance, or...?
Stihl Dooky!
And thus Robin killed yon masse murderer and dumped his bodye-

No? What, would that not be "merry" or whatever?
"I knew I should have called Ivanhoe instead."
"Yup, noose hasn't gone anywhere."
♪ ...Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore... ♪
"Just because there's a bunch of armed bandits living here who would love to murder me in cold blood..."
The Sheriff's descendants eventually founded BP oil.
( He wants me. )
"Let's stop here so we can rob--er, rest! Rest..."
♪ ...Well we ran through the bushes and we ran through the brambles, we ran through the places that a medieval folk hero wouldn't go... ♪
"King's Island."
"Say, isn't that Little John?"

"No, you must have him confused with some other seven-foot-tall brute."
"Oh hey, didn't see you there."
"Gary Shandling's."
"Hold me!"
"Okay, you win!"
"I'm going to teach him how to say 'Good Morning' in Gaelic!"
Ho! Ha ha! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin! Ha! Thrust!
He shouldn't have brought a knife to a stick fight.
"Now do it again, but this time rub his stick more..."
Now try NOT to hit the stick.
Less fight choreography than fight interpretive dance.
"Not THAT sword, you idiot!"
"Although maybe you should have tried using the pointy end."
"You know, I'm starting to think you're not all you say you are..."
"But I see only stock footage."
"And, why, there's Sir David of Attenborough!"
Brilliant. I can see why they made him the chief lawman of the area.
"We may be outlaws, but we always honor Emily Post."
"Now, put your hand in this bowl of brains..."
"Ouch! I gotta remember to not do that..."
"Ricky Martin!"
"Sweet, I'm gonna get his autograph!"
"Welcome to Sherwood Roadhouse, is this your first time dining with us today?"
He just wants to know if the Sheriff is well-hung.
"Damn, where DID you learn that holding someone gently trick? I can never counter it!"
"New guy buys the first round."
Maybe they should have skinned the deer before roasting it.
So they're not outlaws, they just run an open air-tavern in the forest.
"Although we do recommend you leave a 15% gratuity."
"And it's a man bag, thank you very much."
"I was going to write you a check."
"Come now, Little John, I think he has a very nice figure."
"What? And here's his Diners Club card!"
Oh, now you're just making up rules!
"Sorry, mind the tracking."
"Oh, and we'll take that daisy chain from your neck, too."
"Plus if you call the number on the back of your receipt and take our survey, you get 10% off your next visit!"
"Oh yeah, Stinkey. The hanging guy."
Like guys who steal only wheat pennies.
Oh, they're Libertarians.
I'm Rand Paul, and I Approved this Message
And so the Sheriff saw the light and never oppressed the masses again. The en-

Right? No.
"Be honest, are my highlights blended well enough?""
"I'll pinky swear."
"Robin, you have such a tender touch..."
With what? The arrow network?
"I'll do the spit-shake thing."
"Why don't we all meet at Old Chicago? I haven't been there in a while..."
"Town tricks it is!"
"Good. Will Scarlet, cut off your arms."
"Robin, remember our merry-not-gay conversation?"
"Let's see...Be not alarmed, madam, on receiving this letter..."
Chaucer? Skip to the naughty bits!
"I think the three wood should do for this shot..."
It's only a--OW! Who threw that?
Pretty lame turnout for the Shipoopi hanging.
"I wush King, you know..."

"Go away, Lear."
"It'll be a nice day if it doesn't rain."

"If the sun's not too warm."
"Okay, okay, no need to dub your dialogue..."
Real subtle.
It's good to see they've gotten past the late unpleasantness.
"The guy reading this is a Norman wiener. HEY!"
"Was that your cat, Ray?"
It's good so many knights could read back then.
"It's from Alan-A-Dale. He wants to know if he can have your mandolin."
"We're going to draw and quarter you instead. That okay?"
The Westfolde Renfaire Players
"The Matawan Massacre"
So, the rest of the episode is going to be in pantomime...
"Hey Robin, see if you can get him to take off his pants..."
Marlee Matlin punched up the dialogue for this scene.
"Now remember, nice and slow, we still have three and a half minutes to kill in the episode..."
"Heya, Snoopy."
"I told them we already got one."
When did the sheriff arrange this? Did he send messages in the gleam of his hair grease?
This is so awkward 'cause they used to date.
Finally, Danny Kaye is free!
"Oh f*** I didn't think of that!"
Yeah, that'll work.
"Or I'll take you behind the stables if you'd like."
"Three, that more or less than two?"
"3 Sir."
It's the Holy Order of Deus ex Machina!
Here's a hint: the ones in the long black robes are probably not outlaws.
"Ha, I knew killing that guy in the riot would come in handy!"
That was the OJ Simpson chase of last minute escapes.
"Get on the horse"? Must be Reformed liturgy...
"Oh no, our crossbows vanished!"
Lousy shots. Did Robin headhunt these guys from the Stormtroopers?
Aww, they're eloping.
"Okay, in retrospect arbitrarily hanging poor people may have been bad policy..."
"I'm so glad you said that."
That's good; I can't stand unaccredited films.
Cast in order of...well, whatever.
Kind of tolerated by the morally ambiguous!
(And now that song is stuck in my head.)
So the story of Robin Hood is in fact a tabletop RPG game?
Hey, we've been Edwin-Rolled!
This is back when you filmed credits by slowly lowering a terrified cameraman down the side of a two-story building.
...Robin Hood, Robin Hood, does strange things with men...
I was born in March; I prefer Aquamarine Films.
Capped by KKDW, TheDiva and Space Toast

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