Legend of the Titanic, Part 6

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This week on Shark Tank...

Overly Literal Theater presents Ocean's Eleven

Why are they all wearing name tags?

"And I said we're sinking the Titanic, not the Poseidon!"

Sorry, what? I was distracted by your, um...pelvic fin...

"Unless they're going too fast to correct course in time, but what are the odds of that?"

"Because as we all know, large cruise ships can be easily redirected by the efforts of mid-size marine creatures!"

Seriously, wrap a towel around that thing! It's freaking me out...

Tentacles? Great, just when I think it can't get any worse it's turning into a hentai...

"Of course you do, but the audience doesn't!"
"Point taken."

"Dupe the Dope," the hit new reality series from FOX!

Did they think they were filming this for IMAX?

Well, enough of that scene...

"I'm sure if every stops brandishing their steak knives at each other, we can come to terms..."

The fiend! He's stealing all the Gideon Bibles from the staterooms!

"Phew! There's my exercise for the day!"

When you find a scene you like, movie, let us know...

Sebastian was wrong--life under the sea is pretty damn boring...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHWHATTHEFUCKISTHAT?!?!?!

I would be too if I were talking to a genetic abomination.

"What? There are some good restaurants out here!"

"Well, mostly we want to know why he looks like a cross between Cthulhu and a Goof Troop extra on steroids..."

The cutesy kid voice just makes it worse, somehow.

Those arms...I may never eat calamari again...

This IS Hell, right? I mean, something like this couldn't exist except in the deepest pits of damnation...

Nice try, but the Octo-Dog has a creepier laugh.

*sobs* I want my mommy....

Really? You're talking to an overinflated balloon from the Hell Thanksgiving Day Parade, and you're worried about the sharks?

Hey hey, they prefer the term Orcinus-Americans, thankyouverymuch...

Of course, we all know how much ice is lying around on the bottom of the ocean...

Okay, you've proven you can toss giant rock crystals around, now let's try some actual ice...

Did he break it first?

Really isn't a whole lot going on in the mid-Atlantic trench today, is there?

"Must be my unholy pact with the Dark One."

Most movies can't sustain ice throwing as a central plot point for long. This movie, for example, can't do it at all.

"No, I'm too pretty for shark prison!"

"What's that, girl? Timmy's trapped in the old smokestack?"

"I have some doggie biscuits here...um, I wasn't eating them myself or anything; I was, uh, saving them for a friend..."

Wow, that dog sure loves his hardtack.

"Aww, isn't that cute, he's walking away with private correspondence!"

It's an ocean voyage and he STILL has to take the cat to the vet. Bummer.

So, does the cat actually do anything, or is it just there because evil people need to have a cat around for some reason?

Funny, that's also what the voice actors said on getting cast.

"Ha ha ha...take me now, you fierce beast!"

"Now leave me alone, I gotta smoke these Cubans before we make port..."

"Specifically this 'rape the manatees' clause..."

"I'm sure we can come to a betray--ah, I mean agreement there..."

"Gotta hurry, I don't want to miss Fallon..."

Too bad he drooled all over it...

"It says here that plastic water bottles cause breast cancer!"

"Now Your Grace, if you would kindly sit in the chair that's been pre-shackled for your convenience..."

"Wow, that was fast, you moved right with the cut there, I'm impressed..."

"All the random scribbles are in order, as you can plainly see..."

"You know, I'm starting to think you're not a very nice person..."

"No!"
"...Okay, that's all I got. You win."

"Fine, I'll sign them, just stop chewing the scenery like that!"

Wow, better hope it's not the turn-down service...

Come on, now is NOT the time for your kinky sex games!

"You too? I knew going on Evilmatch.com was a bad idea from the start..."

"We're already millionaires."
"Shut up, I'm gloating here!"

...."Yestament"?

"Let's see...'Mike Rotch.' HEY!"

"Well, it would have, just a few months down the road. More efficient this way, actually."

"We don't want to miss the Legends in Concert show..."

"Which I was already, come to think of it...eh, I just wanted one last chance to screw with you."

"If I could understand English, I'd know what's going on..."

It's a little known fact that the Titanic disaster also resulted in stronger leash laws.

"We won't be hanging with the nightmare creature too much longer, don't worry..."

Great, it's got the mumps now.

"We don't have hands."
"It's a figure of speech, all right?"
"But why would we have a figure of speech like that if we don't have hands?"
"SHUT UP!"

"Turns out nobody likes the new Facebook format."

Well, that would be a first in this movie.

Wow, my mistake, they do have hands. Must be some serious radioactive chemicals lying around this part of the ocean.

Well, having an eldrich abomination on your bodyguard staff would cut down on the number of attacks against you...

"Can I have rabbits too, George?"

That's not an iceberg, that's Caradhras!

"Hee hee, I'm going to crush your head like a grape!"

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

"This is the biggest piece of rock candy I've EVER seen!"

So, ice only floats when you want it to....

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Hello! Project Egg Interview

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Auditions

When I was young I got a corpse sniffing dog.

Mom said I could earn extra money, but we never really found much. Except for that Philippino mob hit one time.

You f****** don't know what the f*** you're straight f****** dealing with.

I will straight f*** you up until you don't know your taint from the Pillsbury f****** doughboy.

You b****-a** c*** mongling ball-snorting p***-holes better step off before you're yelling, "Don't pop my a**!"

However, if my demands are not met, the consequences for you, your economy, and your very way of life will be incalculable.

I am not mad, but have been driven to this mad act by your myopic refusal to see reason. Join me in this bright future, or oppose me and meet your destruction!

But people don't realize that Alan Thicke is also a composer. How talented is he, right!?

Still Not Quite Human was really the apex of the trilogy. (Jay Underwood was so cute!) Who but Alan could have pulled off Dr. Jonas Carson a THIRD TIME?

My friend's turtle got gas, so we took it to the vet.

And he said it wasn't a turtle, it was a weasel. And we're like, if it's a weasel then why doesn't it have a shell?

Punch and kick are all in the mind. But they're also in the fist and the foot. Fortunately.

Head butt is in neither. Elbow -- that one's what you think.

When I'm ready, sensei will explain how that will stop an attacker from hitting me.

Charlie was deep in the wire, and we knew we'd only get one chance to break out of that sh**.

Ffolkes was holding his entrails in with a mess tin. A f****** mess tin. Whoever patched that bastard up should've got drinks and dinner first.

The kids at school always tease me because my mom is a giraffe.

Mom says being different is okay. As long as you're tall, and can eat leaves high up. She says she's disappointed in me too.

Hello? Who are all of you? I'm very frightened right now.

I was walking past a van. And now I'm here. I don't know where my family is. I'm not even sure what country I'm in. Please send help.

Salmon can have sex anywhere they want.

I mean think about that for a minute. I don't mean I want to have sex with a salmon, but...

Have you heard the Good News about Amway yet? F***!

Amway is not a multi-level marketing scam. It's a multi-layered investment sales organization! And that's way different!

Holy f***, are any of you as stoned as I am right now?

You ever look at your mouth? I mean like really look at your mouth, while you're talking? Look down at your mouth, right now. I'm serious. Say, "Blah blah blah."

No one happens to know a good lawyer, do they? It's important.

I don't want you to get the impression that I've done anything. But if you do know a good lawyer...

Last week my class voted me Most Likely to Be Mistakened for a Charlie Brown Character.

I guess it's funny, but I still feel like a ticking bomb of rage, ready to explode. Which must be what happened to Charlie Brown eventually, right?

And who could forget the climactic Russian Roulette scene from The Deer Hunter? Four bullets!

I can't even get through a movie unless it has at least one Russian Roulette scene. Hi Mom!

I'm sure you'll have some cosmic rationale.

But here you are in the ninth... two men out and three men on. Nowhere to look but inside... where we all respond to pressure. Pressure!

The thing that's really destroying this country? All the sex perverts!

What should the penalty for autoerotic asphyxiation be? Hang em! Deep throating? Weird stuff? What do you think? Hang the bastards!

As an earthling, I am very interested in this concept of "waffles."

Please convey me to some ordinary Earth form of waffle. I will gladly exchange up to five pieces of paper for them.

I don't understand -- why do they call it horse racing? The horses always win.

It's smart of those people to sit on the horse's back. Horses are a lot faster than men. But what they should do, is at the end they should lean out front and jump right off. You know, right before the finish line. Photo finish! Men win! Yay! You know?

I believe that you should speak. With. Punctuation.

Nothing. Contributes. More to verbal. Misunderstanding. Than missing verbal. Punctuation episodes.

I'm not wearing blush. I'm having a strong allergic reaction right now.

It might be the air up here. Let me check.

F*** . . .

That didn't seem to help either. It might be this fabric. I'm kind of allergic to everything. Listen, I'd better go find my rescue inhaler. You guys all just chill. I'll be right back, and we can start over. Okay? Okay!

Urban Segway tours. Have you seen these? I have a tip.

Loosen the couplings with a #5 torx screwdriver. The second that thing gets up a good head of steam, the wheels come right off. Welcome to my crib, a**holes.

If you experience an erection lasting more than eighteen hours, it may be necessary to consult with a pharmacist -- even a recreational pharmacist -- like me.

Allow me now to demonstrate the pain of an overlong erection... Interpretively.

While it may seem like fun to sport a multi-hour erection on a bus, plane, or the civic club of your choice, please use caution and remember this: The penis is not a sundial.

There are many popular bands in the world today now.

Manifold, as one of these current bands, distinguishes itself with the use of a snare drum. They play the snare drum with sticks like this.

Despite all this, Manifold remains popular only among a circle of fans. I may have even made it up!

Okay, and then -- you're seriously not going to believe this -- but, like, I'm totally serious, okay...

She's being all, you know, and I'm like -- obviously, I'm like, whatever. So she and this other girl are all like, eh? And here I am, like, didn't she totally start this in the first place? But that wasn't even the really important part...

Can you believe her? So then I'm like, whatever, and she's all like, whatever! And I'm like, "As if!" -- and she's all, "As if?" -- and we're just like "As if nothing..." And she's like, "As if nothing nothing." Can you believe it!? Totally bullsh*t, right? Then we put on the wigs and crossed into Finland.

We appreciate you coming in for this interview at Retail Sports.

Unfortunately, the management is not able to offer you a position at this point in time.

Please do not worry whether our decision hinged in any part on your gross lack of physical fitness, or on your poor choice of clothing. But due to both of these limitations, I fully expect the door to hit your a** on the way out.

The Rest -

Actually, it's not me. It's entirely you. I just thought you should know that.

It's kind of funny, actually, because you're probably thinking, "Oh, I must have done something..." And you did. Practically everything wrong, in fact. And maybe you're wondering if you were lame in bed, and guess what? Hole in one! You should really stop doing that ear thing for STARTERS...

Hey there! Japanese Velma here to share with y'all.

We almost had the case solved. Obviously it wasn't "the man" in some form or other, because that would be against Japanese conformity. Clearly it was either a disgruntled maid, a disgruntled watress, a disgruntled waitress at a maid cafe, or an American.

Maybe a disgruntled American working in a maid cafe? Nah, that only happens in anime. So Shuki and Skoubi got high as balls on blowfish treats, we set a trap, and it turned out to be a pedophile. Again.

I WILL POUND YOUR BALLS INTO THE GROUND! I WILL TEACH YOU THE MEANING OF PAIN!

You slimebag maggots don't deserve to be 4-F'ed under the letterhead of my beloved Corp! I will destroy and rebuild you! The first and last words out of your holes will be "cutie pie," do you understand me? Bunny hop drills -- 15 -- now! Move it, worms, or there will be no shortcake!

Greetings from the 2011 Miss Soybean Tokaido (North)!

Most people don't know that soybeans are a major source of many things. Hey, watch what I can do...

Soy...

Soy... bean!

I should probably explain that my father cornered the market on soybeans in northern Tokaido over the past six years. Cross him, and you will be CRUSHED.

Hi! I'm auditioning to be the Fat One.

Even though I'm trim and in good shape, I have a slightly wide face on camera. I could be an icon to the faux-open-minded!

Hi! Batsh*t F***ing Crazy One, reporting for duty!

You ever start stabbing your life-sized character pillow, and you realize it's not a pillow? Awkward. But what are you gonna do, stop?! Cosplayers should know better anyway. Stabby stab! ...Hi, Mr. Agnew!

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Cute

They already packed up the boom mic, but I still want to audition for a Hello! Project girl group.

My dream is to be famous for four years, then struggle with a solo career for another six or so.

Check out this pout.

Eventually, I'll abandon my suffocating dreams and become a history teacher or something. I might have a chance of achieving some happiness by, oh, 2025? Coolies!

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Legend of the Titanic, Part 5

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The NIMH Philharmonic!

Eh, beats Lawrence Welk, I suppose.

"And my I explain why I'm suddenly speaking with a Latin accent for no apparent reason?"

"So, um, do you want to talk, or ask for my name, or..."

Disney called; they want the ending to Sleeping Beauty back...

"You are now carrying my child."
"How?"
"That is the mystery of the dance."

And the homoerotic subtext ceases to be subtext.

"Hey, what about us? We were promised ten cuttlebones for this gig!"

"Damn, I thought he was into me!"

It'll never work out; eventually they'll have to talk to one another...

"On my signal, poop! Ready..."

Vaguely David Hasselhoff and Vaguely Kate Winslet: A Vague Love Story

"Surrounded by vermin! This is the most romantic date EVER!"

"Beggin' Strips are on me tonight!"

Well, it's going to be awkward explaining the wedding guest list to her father...

"No, I said party music, not 80's video game music!"

Whoa, conductor got back!

Even back then, white people just could not dance.

Okay, that's how you shake dog poo off your shoes, now let's try dancing...

They're not even married yet, and they already have a reception with embarrassing dancing...

This from the country that invented the tarantella?

Well, um, mucho gusto, I guess.

Do you really want to be dancing that close to Ascot Boy's feet? I'm just sayin'...

The dog's having a seizure! No wait, that's more dancing, my bad...

"You will always be my first love..."

Tone it down, woman! They can see your calves!

"I either need to quit drinking or start drinking."

.oO(Mmmm, cake sounds good. I wonder if the buffet's still open...)

Don't worry, Ice is watching his cholesterol.

Wow, the effects look even cheaper by twilight.

So you just took someone's 3D concept of an ocean liner and made a movie with it. Big deal.

"And he's a Gypsy, and he has no job or money, and his dog loves to pee on people for kicks, and..."

"I understand, darling. Now you just sit quietly while Daddy writes a letter to the convent..."

"What, you don't like my Church Lady impression? Okay, get bent."

"Don't make me rasp at you some more!"

"Or at least settle this in a wading pool filled with chocolate pudding!"

"He won't even have me until after your father's life insurance cashes out--wait, did I say that out loud?"

"Don't mind your stepmother; it's her job to be evil..."

"And by 'blessing,' I mean 'you're out of the will'."

Oh, you two are busy plotting; we'll just wait over here.

"First, we'll eat that lovely merengue on your head..."

"Shut up or you'll miss the next plot point!"

"Um, shouldn't we wait until we hear the evil plan first? Ah, never mind..."

KOMEDY!

A shut ventilation grate? What are the odds?

Ewww, kibble breath!

Yeah, nobody wakes up sleeping dogs like Beckham.

Wow, steerage has some nice suites...

"We didn't mean to turn you on!"

That must be his sleeping puffy shirt and tight pants.

"Did we skip a page again?"

"Hiring rentboys, now that I'll believe!"

You sure? I mean, it could be the Edmund Fitzgerald, the Lusitania...

"Well, if there's a whaling concession involved, you MUST be telling the truth!"

"Hmmm...you're starting to make sense and that scares me."

Oh, that is SO catist.

Wait, who's talking?

And that's the FIRST sane thing anyone's said in this movie!

"Where we don't know where the next penny's coming from!"

Do soccer playing mice count?

"--It's spanking time!"

"And by stateroom, I mean hallway outside the staterooms."

"I ran out of Just for Men halfway through, all right?"

"Well, that's it for my random and pointless character development, off to the next bizarre plot point..."

"Stupid bangs! I should just let them grow out..."

"This isn't a wire, it's a piece of paper!"

"Quick, get some catgut!"

"Must be a pixie jazz combo..."

Brazilian mice celebrate the World Cup!

"Shoot, we've got anthropomorphic rodents. Time to call the exterminator."

Could you sneak a little more conspicuously, please?

Actually, Maltravers is just wiring some cute cat pictures to his aunt in Jersey.

"Please read this aloud before sending so anyone can overhear my evil plans. Thank you."

THRILL as the brave mouse paces back and forth a few steps!

"That's a brilliant idea that will absolutely have no disastrous consequences later on!"

So the Californian never received the distress call because of a pack of overzealous mice?

"Let's see...The guy sending this is a weiner. HEY!"

Funny, I thought the iceberg would have been bigger.

"Good, it's quiet. Nobody can see me reuse this animation..."

"You mean besides your crippling lockjaw?"

"Give or take about two and half hours."

And why midnight exactly, anyway? Is that what Maltravers has in the death pool:?

"Well, except for that one time Jeeves went surfing..."

"Except for Roy Scheider."

"Maybe I should just save a seat in the lifeboats now, beat the rush..."

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