Thumbelina, Part 6

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"Love between two male swallows is unnatural!"

Everyone say it with her now...

Beautiful.

You know, say what you will about the Disney Princesses, at least most of them didn't whine to their mommies when things didn't go their way...

So...yeah. A shoe.

o/...Fah-hoo forus, dah-hoo dorus, welcome Christmas, come this way...o/

With winter coming, the singing animals were all slaughtered for food. And there was much rejoicing.
(Yay.)

.oO(I don't care if she's lost, that's no excuse to leave the window open! Does she think I'm heating the whole barnyard?)

.oO(I'll just go back to the fairy and get another barleycorn. Maybe it'll grow into a kid with a little more common sense...)

o/...THUM-BE-LIN-AAAAAAAAAAAAAA--
"Oh, shut the fuck up already!"

This is the scene we like to call "Hey, These Characters Are Still In Our Movie!"

Must have been Hell doing to boning on her corsets.

The dog has male pattern baldness!

What era is this set in, anyway? Middle Renaissance Festival?

So, you're really going to go through this entire song again? Folks, now might be a good time for a bathroom break.

Wasn't she the con artist with the fake jewelry in the animated Titanic?

It's a Charlie Brown chicken!

He has a Pop-O-Matic head.

"My nostrils! Who stole my nostrils?!"

Sure it's filler, but at least it's not filler with Gilbert Gottfried talking.

Just because you technically can reach that note doesn't mean you should.

*glass shatters*

From all of us at Thumbelina, have a happy holiday season.

Yup, still a shoe.

Thank God, someone finally killed the soundtrack.

"I was until you started talking."

So, the Cinderella gig wasn't paying the bills, huh?

"The mouth of Hell."

Imagine how awkward it would be if we did this: "Hi, I'm Mr. Human, this is my wife Mrs. Human-Human and our friends the Humans..."

"But where's the land serene and the crystal moon?"

They got Carol Channing because getting Ryan Stiles to do his Carol Channing impression would have cost too much.

"No, and neither will anyone else. Now let's see, the crawl space should be just about ready..."

"Ha-ha, you almost died of hypothermia! You're a laugh riot!"

Her mind isn't so much one track as one note.

"Well duh. How many two-inch-tall humans do YOU see walking around these parts?"

How does she know this stuff? Did she get a copy of the screenplay, like the Electric Mayhem in The Muppet Movie?

"Shame about him running off to New Hampshire with that poolboy."

*Psycho violins*

"Dead? Is that bad?"

"Wow, she's really hamming it up in there."

What are you, the Grinch?

"Good, good, now tell her she was adopted!"

"I have Exposition Tourettes."

"You've got half the animal kingdom lining up to bang you, after all!"

"Except George Clooney. Homina homina!"

"I'm taking you clubbing tonight!"

"With his roommates, Mr. Chipmunk and Miss Northern Short-Tailed Shrew."

"You only have frostbite on three toes, quit being such a baby!"

"I told him you'd do a striptease."

"Well, compared to the other characters in this movie..."

"Come on, give him a few bars of 'Poker Face'!"

And once again, a minor character browbeats Thumbelina into doing something she doesn't really want to do.

"Actually dearie, it was autoerotic asphyxiation...oops, there I go blurting stuff out again!"

Wow, Mole's so rich he just leaves it lying around in his front yard. He's like a redneck with a high tax bracket.

Nope, too subtle. Could you try being a little more ominous?

"Your wealth is looking mighty ostentatious today."

"I seem to have got my head stuck in a coffee filter, could you help?"

"Her boyfriend's dead, you know."

"The attic?"

"Those darn toads coming in and taking jobs from honest mammals..."

A lot of guys talk to a woman's boobs, but it takes a special kind of perv to talk to her cooch!

"Please don't say you want to marry me."

Dude, what are you, four?

"You'll love them, I got out most of the weevils this time!"

"If you eat them fast enough, you don't even notice the taste!"

"Mother warned me that could happen."

So, if he never goes outside, where does his stuff come from?

Well, so much for the "decent" part.

"You two have so much in common!"

"Okay, I'll tell you about Tess of the d'Urbervilles..."

Cool, she's going to do "Doll on a Music Box"!

"Um...line?"

"No, don't encourage her!"

o/...Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me...o/

She said sing, she didn't say anything about interpretive dance!

"Hey babe, it's great being cryogenically frozen. Me and Disney are best buds now..."

"Miss Fieldmouse, why did she stop singing?"
"Um, I think she's having a psychotic episode..."

Andres Serrano's Piss Thumbelina

I think Thumbelina just invented German Existentialism.

"Damn, another boyfriend dissolved on me."

"And I'll remember Mama, too."

Could someone give Thumbelina her Zoloft?

"I liked the part where everything died."

*ahem* "Call me Ishmael..."

"I had tied an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time..."

"The Ark of the Covenant!"

"Let's go poke it with a stick!"

Well, that's your business and nobody else's, I'm sure.

Oh...my...God, he's the Jitterbug serial killer! RUN, THUMBELINA!!!

Hooray! o/...Ding dong the bird is dead...o/

Terminal Frenchness?

"Making statements of 140 characters or less online? Rubbish!"

"Can I have your iPhone?"

"I'm sure the meat will just fall right off the bone when we roast her..."

"Is that a salt shaker on your head?"

Whoops, hit a speed bump in the time stream...

"Wait, haven't we done this part already?"

"Very well. The word is 'Antistratfordianism'."

Are there no myopic girl moles in the area? He should try a dating site.

"What's the word? Oh right, horny."

Hating tedious "comic" misunderstandings like this one?

"-to-to-let me tap that."

What is it with that girl? She must give off serious pheromones or something.

"So could a reader for the blind; I don't see you wanting to marry one."

"I'll give you my lucky Sacajewea dollar!"

She'll do anything for a poker chip.

Don Bluth's The Matchmaker

Um...that's not his heart...

Not dead? Dammit!
Still, he's unconscious and can't sing or talk, so that counts for something...

Thumbelina knows it's Prince Spaghetti Night!

"Cold? I ordered him braised!"

"This is a G-rated movie, we can't die!"

"I've got an idea. Have you ever seen Weekend at Bernie's?

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Thumbelina, Part 5

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Why are we watching Ralph Bakshi's fever dreams?

Critics everywhere react to the world premiere of Thumbelina.

Now see, this is how I think small animals would react to seeing a pink, nearly hairless biped in their midst.

"She only has two legs!"
"Wait, we all have only two legs!"
"Damn this anatomically incorrect character design!"

"I'm peer pressure's bitch!"

And that was the beginning of Thumbelina's humiliation fetish.

"But the toads liked me!"

"Nauseating cuteness AWAY!"

Great, maybe Gargamel will step on them.

...Or they could be eaten by a toad. Eaten is good.

Wow, now I know why they call it a frog in your throat.

"What? I'm just setting up the next plot point..."

"I hated the White Album!"

He can't eat them because he'll go into insulin shock.

"That's just a myth! Myth!"
"Yeth?"

Whoa, mood swing.

"This sounds like a job for Mark David Champan..."

Hey, how'd she get her dress back?

"*sniff* My first encounter with mockery has completely devastated my self-esteem..."

"Come here, tell Aunty Clownface all about it..."

"But mostly I'm emo."

"If it was Ringo, he really shouldn't be throwing stones."

"'Hey Jude' is overrated!"

"I don't know, I haven't spoken to him in twenty-four whole hours..."

Momentary self-image crisis averted.

Remember kids, it doesn't matter what people think of you!....Unless they're pretty. Then you'd better believe it matters.

"Yeah, once I toke up a bit..."

"I promise, but not until just before the contrived deus ex machina resolution, okay?"

.oO(Thank God for internal genitalia; I can sport major wood without her ever noticing!)

If the main characters can't stay awake through this plot, what hope do the rest of us have?

Tiny noose buds!

Just what we needed--another cute anthropomorphic woodland creature!

Bugs Bunny and Wile E Coyote's stunt doubles rehearse their next routine.

Ever since Disney refused to release Song of the South on video, this is the only job they've been able to get.

"Kind of running for my life here, do you mind?"

"Why, do you need a date?"

"I tried, but Titania won't return my calls..."

The Spastic Mr. Fox

"Sorry, I don't speak Latin."

Come on, he's right there, EAT HIM!

And he gets thrown headlong into Sleeping Beauty!

"Good thing this is a G-rated movie, or that might have actually drawn blood."

Thank you, mon capitaine évident.

Oh, he's just pinching it between his wing feathers.

Whew, there was almost a plot obstacle there.

Wow, silent but deadly.

"Autumn! That explains the colorful leaves, colder temperatures and shorter days!"

"...Eh, bugger that, I'm flying to Bermuda like a normal swallow."

Try taking off your helmet; your voice might actually carry then.

Why does Thumbelina even want wings? Half the characters who have them can never use them properly...

Wow, apparently the fairies have access to the magic of Scotchgard.

"You are summoned before the Cuteness Council! Your bee is below the acceptable limit of adorability!"

Maybe they're not bugs at all. Maybe they're the fairies' inbred Appalachian cousins.

I see he decided to conduct an extensive search for her in Hawaii.

"Go on and say it, I've already heard all the jokes."

"Santa Fe. She has relatives there."

"But my bee doesn't have anti-lock brakes!"

"How many more exes does she have? Who do I look like, Scott Pilgrim?"

"Thank you, Exposition Bugs!"

"And we need to cover our tomato plants!"

Ah, another music critic.

"My evil mustache is better than yours!"

Gee, imagine that.

Why is the frog wearing disco pants?

"Bacon-flavored toothpaste! People will love it!"

Really, any scene that involves a representation of Gilbert Gottfried getting beaten up is okay by me.

Do we HAVE to?

Great, now it's Tosca.

"Or if not, there's always eHarmony..."

"I'll do it! I'll nap the trap and set up the prince!"

In fact, don't talk at all, could you do that?

Why are they in cahoots now? Were they just not annoying enough on their own?

Please, PLEASE don't let them do a reprise of that "Let Me Be Your Wings" song...

I agree. Can we file a complaint with the MPAA?

They're a Stooge or two shy of a comedy routine.

"I'll be he'll enjoy it, in fact."

"Don't move; if he spots us we'll have to be in more scenes!"

Smart bear; he's just sleeping through the movie.

"Look buddy, if you're not the Berenstains calling with my residuals check I'm not interested."

So his plan is to just harass various preoccupied animals until he comes up with some directions?

"Go 'way; I just had to chase a blonde kid out of my house..."

Winston the Pooh, Winnie's bigger, meaner cousin.

"I should eat him, but I'll only get indigestion."

"What is wrong with everyone? Why do they not want to be bothered by an aggressively fey French swallow?"

The leaves are fiber-optic!

From fall to winter in ten minutes? Must be Colorado.

"Auntie Em, Auntie Em!"

He's flying Puma-Man style!

Jack Frost is back--and this time, it's PERSONAL!

"Easy for you to say, I should be back at the hive keeping warm, not freezing my thorax off out here!"

Figures, give some people an all-wheel drive bee and they think they can ignore basic road safety.

Ooh, bad time to find out your helmet doesn't road test well.

.oO(Hey, what's that sword doing down here?)

And he died with a "Huh, what?" expression frozen on his face.

"No, my cruise souvenir!"

"Hey boss, are you familiar with Alferd Packer?"

.oO(That's it! We'll get a huge chunk of ice and bludgeon him with it--that'll shut him up!)

"You sure? Get him to sing a few bars of 'Purple Rain'!"

Maybe God just wanted you to stop yammering.

This is why you don't want to pay Gilbert Gottfried by the word.

That's it, take him to the nearest cliff and PUSH HIM OVER!

I wouldn't go in there; chances are there's a coatimundi voiced by Harvey Fierstein who thinks she's hot for some reason.

Our heroine--a girl who can't run ten yards without tripping over her own two feet!

Damn, is EVERYONE in this movie coated with Teflon?

Nah, the owner of that place has so many children she wouldn't know what to do with you.

Too bad the Weasleys are going to come by later and use her shelter for a Portkey.

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