The King and I, Part 4

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"Sorry ma'am, we only understand pidgin English..."

What are they, the Synchronized Reaction Squad?

"I'm just going to take the entire royal family on an outing with no guards without his permission. He couldn't possibly object to that!"

That sounds like an awkward song cue to me...

Told you.

"Watch out where the Huskies go, and don't you eat that yellow snow."

"Um, ma'am, I can't...you're not supposed to...the King said...ah, the Hell with it."

"--Fan dancing!"

"Now this, children, is what's known as a slum..."

"It's the royal family! Everybody look busy!"

"They must be the King's kids, they haven't got shit all over them."

Oh really, isn't tainting the memory of one classic film enough?

"Cool, there's pirates in there! And they're cutting a guy's ear off!"

Hey, a Petch and Jaidee show!

Ah, the drugs just kicked in.

Because no matter where you go in Asia, it's always Chinese New Year!

"Missus Anna, what is a 'full body massage'?"
"Can we get one?"

"Good thing I wore my hand tape today."

"Ha ha ha, good one!...No seriously, I'm going to have you beheaded now."

Who invited Dorky Buddha on this trip, anyway? I don't recall seeing a permission slip...

"Here you go, fugu for everyone!"

o/...Murder, murder, in the night air! Murder, murder, it's a right scare!...o/

Princess Apsara is severely myopic...

They're like Tom and Jerry...except I want them both to die in a thermonuclear explosion.

"Small House of Uncle Thomas" will not be seen in this adaptation. In its place, we give you "The Big Lipped Alligator Moment Dream Ballet!"

I didn't know they had rhythm gymnastics back then.

Look out, those W's are sharp!

Attack of the Crepe Paper, a SyFy Original Movie!

"Everybody wave to the oppressed masses!"

Do they just not see him, or are they just doing the smart thing and ignoring his presence entirely?

Meanwhile the King's got the entire guard looking for them, he's put a death warrant out on Missus Anna...

"Don't worry, children, the middle of a field full of water is the safest place to be in a thunderstorm..."

"But it's my only toy..."
"Who cares, gimme!"

"So long! Hope that destitution thing works out for you!"

"Gee, thanks. By the way, I got the blame for your little excursion and am being executed tomorrow. Just FYI."

Just push them open! They're just muslin flats...

Where's a bowl of poisoned dates when you need one?

Well, no wonder they need Anna's help, they're still trying to figure out this fire thing...

Baghera's less successful cousin.

"You were supposed to clean my litterbox three days ago!"

"Now go away, I'm fiddling with the Chekhov's Gun here..."

Ewww, it's turning into a slashfic!

"I mean I want to lick your gorgeously sculpted pecs! Oh, that came out wrong..."

"--to a meido cafe!"

"And how did my amulet suddenly get here, anyway?"

Oh come on, if you're going to be that obviously evil at least do us the favor of growing a mustache to twirl...

Next she's going to make play-suits for them from the curtains in her room...

"Who-where-when?"

"See, hairy palms! Didn't I warn you?"

So what, there's no mustard inside the palace walls?

"The last thing the royal family needs to know about are its subjects!"

"And there are open sewers and malnutrition and forced prostitution too! It's really neat!"

So he promised her a tool shed. Big deal.

Like that makes him any worse than most democratically elected leaders.

"I'm the lower class woman you hired to live in your home and take care of your children...wait, I guess that does make me your servant. My bad."

"You will obey my pectorals!"

"This is awesome! Somebody grab some popcorn!"

"Which is why I'm going back home, to one of the oldest monarchies in existence!"

"--Because I've completely forgotten my line!"

"Do you mind, Evil Dude? I'm trying to fume right now..."

"Did I mention he's barbaric? Because he is. Barbaric, you know. There's just no other word for it. Barbaric, barbaric, barbaric."

Jesus, this woman quits more often than Brett Farve!

"And I'll wager there's at least eight inches of king down there..."

"Oh, I'm sure I could take it no matter how large it is, Your Majesty..."

"That's not what I heard, sunshine."

"I THOUGHT I made myself clear in the throne room!"

"Thank you sir, may I have another?"

Well, no wonder she's mad. He's making her stay in the palace lobby!

"Though I would be open to experimenting on those lines..."

"What am I saying? I'm a Victorian woman, I'm about as free and independent as a lap dog..."

No, no, it's a red hat with a purple dress; they'll never let you into the society with that outfit...

"You hear that, light wrap?"

Hey, that's no way to treat your clothes!

"Like the fact that you never wear a shirt..."

Well, if your clothes can fold themselves it's no wonder you just toss them anywhere...

So...she wants to flash the King? I don't get it!

Yeah, if there's one thing the British hate, it's royalty.

That's because the cat would give you that "bitch, please" look they do and go back to licking its genitalia.

Why, are you planning a production of The Wind in the Willows?

That's not easy to do in petticoats. Try it sometime!

Maybe she's trying to get a Section 8 out of her job...

Rodgers and Hammerstein's Secretary

You know, she could do this sort of thing on the Internet and make a bundle...

"Do you have a cigarette?"

"Are you aware the schoolteacher is indulging in bizarre humiliation fantasies in the front lobby?"

Do the men in this family have a genetic predisposition against shirts?

"Sorry, I meant, 'what-what-what?'"

"--prevent your son from dressing in feathered gowns and taking the name of Lady Coco Carriba?"

"Um, okay. But the other thirty-eight wives I can choose myself, right?"
"Of course! I'm a liberal man."

"Father, can we please speak Siamese when we're alone instead of this broken English?"

"I know you're not too old for a spanking, now git!"

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The King and I, Part 3

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You can tell they're meant to be; they look so awkward together...

.oO(Please Buddha let her stop singing...)

Hey, some things to throw at the producers!

Ewww, I need an adult!

Yeah, yeah, Dorky Buddha tries to hurt the kid but in backfires, he knocks more of his teeth out, blah blah blah, can't we just skip this part and say we did it?

*neck snaps*

Language!

Well, normally they wouldn't keep them loaded and unused for long periods of...oh, who cares, as long as you shoot the Ethnic Scrappy.

Um, you have a Scrabble tile stuck on your lip...

Oh, it's a copy of this movie.

What's the Siamese equivalent of the "wah-wah-waaaaah" trombone?

Suddenly I long for the quiet dignity of Adam Sandler.

"Get out of this movie now while you still can!"

Not the most well-known or beloved Sesame Street segment, to be sure...

"Well, there was that one time in Whitechapel..."

I KNEW he was evil!

The movie's just flailing at this point.

I don't suppose there's any chance all three of these characters will die in firey explosion, is there?

I C WHUT U DID THAR

Finally, they gave the slapstick act the gong!

"Good, now fetch my slippers."
"Don't fuckin' push it."

He's holding court in the Rockefeller Center lobby!

"Right next to my throw pillow!"

"It's not like I'm going to be won over by your unspeakably adorable brood..."

"Cue the soundtrack!"

*bites hand off*

.oO(Laughing? He's never done THAT before!)

"Observe my head pincushion!"

Do the Siamese just not turn around, ever?

.oO(The bastard just flipped me off!)

No. I'm not saying it. Too obvious.

Okay, time out--this movie has too many cute animal companions. You have to get rid of the monkey, the elephant, or Dorky Buddha.

A nervous cat and bare arms. Bad combination.

Let's see, King Mongkut had 82 children, so this scene will be over in, oh, another ten years or so...

I CAN HAZ BETTUR MOOVEE?

What? Chew-a-longhorn?

Dude, just walk! This number is long enough as it is.

"Ow, my knees!"

.oO(Oh, I can think of things I'd like to teach him...)

Mary Kay Letourneau and the King of Siam

"Big deal, he can't even wear a shirt properly..."

A young Oscar Wilde at a formative moment in his life.

"Lick my shoes!"

"Sorry, but Dad said if I appeared starved for attention and love it you would empathize with me..."

"Is this going to take much longer? I was going to hit the go-go bars tonight..."

Does anyone know what gender these kids are? Anyone?

"But Daddy...."
"You know the rules! I get first dibsies!"

Now is not the time for Heads-Up Seven-Up!

Ooh, excellent delivery, the sweepers should have no trouble getting her into a good position for the hammer...

"Too much cute...brain shutting down..."

"Well, you're all very sweet, but your dad's still a bald bastard. G'bye now!"


THE END

"You're lucky the inbreeding doesn't show..."

"You will all receive cookies, as promised."

"Sweet, fresh blood! Get the initiation paddle!"

"The king has so many, he won't mind if I eat a little one..."

"Ew, she got snot on my skirt!"

"Address it to my wife. Say I won't be coming home..."

"Of course I can't, I'm the goofy comic minion!"

He must have had that concealed in his back fat.

"Do you have Prince Albert in a can?"

Oh, don't you two start!

Okay, stop me if you've heard this one: why is an elephant like a writing desk?

Ah, so his secret ambition is to go into the piano industry!

"Little bastard can't even fly."

Whoa, sudden onset laryngitis!

What, were there no puppies for these guys to drown? Fresh out of kitten stew?

Nope, not convinced. Maybe you should have him drop kick a baby, that might make him look evil enough...

"And don't eat the envelope this time!"

"I'm going to tap dance!"

"RICKYYYYYYYY!!"

o/...Here's the only British song we knooow...o/

"So, did I tell you all about being a modern major-general yet?"

"I say, but we are very British, aren't we? Cherioo, pip-pip, and wot!"

"Don't ask me how it was delivered to a boat out on the ocean..."

No really, movie, I don't mind if you take your time with the plot. You just go right on ahead with your random comic bit.

These guys helped establish a globe-spanning empire?

"Dear Sir Edward, your hair looks ridiculous..."

"I want a rentboy and I want one now!"

"Well, it's a military ship under orders from Queen Victoria herself, but I'm sure she won't mind us starting a little bitty war without her go-ahead..."

Hey, and FTD Pick-Me-Up!

"So dish--is Prince Chunky-Monkey a good kisser?"

"It's not a ground-breaking denouncement of the evils of slavery penned by a woman, but it'll do..."

"I'm free to ignore local laws and customs any time I like!"

o/...Bangkok bridge is falling down...o/

"Ow, my appendix just ruptured!"

"We're going to visit the box factory!"

Ooooh, geography envy.

"Of course, we do control huge chunks of land on this and several other continents, so yeah, we pretty much pwn your asses."

"Sit down, Chewy Louie, before I smack you with a ruler. Unless, you know, you're into that sort of thing..."

Dude, the king was a Buddhist monk; wouldn't he know keeping his kids in the dark like this would backfire in the long run?

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The BFG (3/10)

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"Well I've never actually tried bones so I just assumed."

"BLOODBOTTLER SMASH!"

"Great, now I've got to get new shelves."

"But I'll be having nightmares about that for the rest of my life."

"Makes no sense either way though."

umm...should we be seeing this?

You were all set to tell her a moment ago

"Well course I was blowing it, that's what trumpets are for."

"Then what have I just bathed in?"

yes but in an infinite universe there is no up for them to go down from

"Simple, it's against the law of gravity."

For a giant burping is like saying "I seem to be having tremendous difficulty with my lifestyle" to a Vl'hurg

"It's also a sign that you're secretly a Slitheen in disguise."

And now for your viewing pleasure...a musical number about farts!

Remember kids, never light your whizzpoppers

"After the first taste comes the addiction."

"I can't fart on command."

Wait...wasn't Sophie standing there a second ago?

"Do you have any idea what that thing is?"
"Not a clue."

Normally I don't approve of fart jokes...but this song is really catchy!

NASA are currently working on plans for a farting space rocket that uses Frobscottle for fuel

"Drat, he crashed into my dream collection!"

"I really want to give the song an encore."

"Hey listen, hey look."

Disneyworld?

So yes, Disneyworld.

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PART 2 PART 4

The BFG (2/10)

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"They like to annoy the humans by eating all their beans."

Bonecruncher has never tried actually Turkish Delight, he just assumed that it's what Turks taste like.

Which really is far more obvious than coffee

(rimshot)

"I've never heard of the place!"

Is it...
A: Fish and chips
B: Shepeard's Pie
or C: Marmite

"I'm on a diet."

"What does that stand for?"

"It was the middle of the night when you nabbed me so really it should be breakfast."

also known as 'Dennis the Menace Fruit'

Oh good a funny animal sidekick, I always fought the book could've done with one

"And yes I have tasted those."

I reckon they started eating human's because they had to eat Snozzcumbers

"Can't I eat the weird animal thing instead?"

"But it's still better than what they were feeding us in that orphanage?"

The B.F.G. finds horrible food hilarious for some reason

"Except when I'm playing Derek Trotter."

"What was my line again?"

"At least I think there are, never saw one, but then it is dark down there."

"And I live with giants who eat children."

I guess the B.F.G. is unaware of the concept of 'not being believed'

"In a place where 82% of the population want to eat you."

"Now, who wants to act out the opening song from Thumbelina?"

You kidnapped her because you thought she'd blab about seeing a giant and NOW you're asking her if she can keep something secret?

"Do you have to do that every time you make an entrance?"
"Yes."

"Don't you remember why we started eating humans?"

"Well f***."

That's not how you do a proper facepalm

THE END

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PART 1 PART 3

The King and I, Part 2

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The Official Asian Stereotype Parade, ladies and gentlemen!

Another victim of the subprime loan market.

"And be honest--do you think I'm coming off a bit creepy?"

"I have no intention of being pampered in royal luxury when I can go home to a nice dingy flat above a fish shop!"

So, will she tell the king this?

"I'm still waiting for the moving truck to come with my furniture, okay?"

Why are the guards wearing adult diapers?

"The fruit basket that guy's wearing on his head."

"Where do they think we are, America?"

Carmen Miranda's less successful brother, Larry.

"Go on, tell him about the ping pong ball trick..."

"Sweet! Have her read King Bidgood's in the Bathtub!"

He's not a Sunni Muslim, more of a Still-Life Muslim...

"Thanks, that's just what I wanted, my own young, nubile florist. Fuckin' Bowdlerized script..."

Can we have ONE scene without the monkey or Dorky Buddha doing something stupid, please?

Lunch at the palace cafeteria will be fruit cocktail and monkey's brains...

He's your pet, you discipline him! Come on kid, I want to see you spank your monkey!

Me too. That monkey line came out wrong.

Oh, you got that out of a fortune cookie!

"Why don't I have a cute animal companion? My kid gets a monkey, you get a panther...even oily Mohawk guy gets an iguana!"

"You will show me all about these things you English call Monty Python and the Beatles!"

It's a little known fact that Rodgers and Hammerstein started the steampunk craze.

"Oh wait, this is a waffle iron, never mind."

"I also have this great Zutara fanfic you should read..."

"Are there any other long royal things you can show me?"

"Now I will show you how engine of steam will help Marty get back to future..."

"You mean, you DON'T use your explosives to kill people? What kind of backwater is this?"

Oh, quit bragging. You filched all this stuff from Archimedes' storehouse and you know it.

Stop that monkey! He's going to break the third act plot device!

This can happen with trisomy-21, I understand.

"Good, now that the stupid comic relief characters are out of the way..."

Damn, even Siam is ahead of the Texas Board of Education.

"In about a hundred and fifteen years, that is."

"1712, wait, so that makes this, ummm, carry the one..."

"Look, my son is...well, let's just say I don't have high hopes for grandkids..."

PLEASE tell me I just imagined the king giving a low-five to his panther...

Who are you, Alex Trebek?

"I have the closing papers right here..."

"Lines of coke and rubbing off to tranny porn, why?"

"It's what we Westerners call a 'catch phrase'."

"Look, we're having some troubles with the inspection..."

"Please, be careful with my Precious Moments figurines!"

"Well, you sound British, so I'm sure I can trust you..."

"Just in time for your next tedious comic scene!"

"Look, just go do a slapstick scene with the kid and the monkey, okay?"

To every Asian everywhere, we apologize for this.

The CGI Gardens of Thailand!

Uh-oh, sounds like the characters are already starting to crack from the stress of being in this movie.

"You want flowers? I'll arrange you some stinkin' flowers...here's some foxglove, and some nightshade, and poison oak..."

o/...When will my reflection show who I am insiiiiiiiide?....o/

"I've been here for the past three hours. Actually, I thought you'd have noticed me before now..."

"And even though this is the 19th century and hunting big game is commonplace, I know it's wrong!"

"Gee, thanks. I'll call you Fredomina, how do you like that?"

Bruce Lee: The Animated Series!

Is this kickboxing or a Cirque du Soleil routine?

"Ha, psyche!" *elbow drops him*

"That's not a good place for your trunk..."

"So, I guess this means you can do that thing with your tongue...?"

"They won't allow me at the family picnic next year!"

"Thanks, that narrows it down to the entire damn country..."

"Great, now we can put on our own production of Gone With the Wind!"

"I think I'm Lady Thiang, but they pretty much did away with my character's entire part in the story so it's hard to tell..."

"And I'm a little obsessive-compulsive, so I get nervous when people rearrange my things..."

"They want to, how you say, munch your rug..."

Victorian upskirt!

"I was going to burn that..."

"I'm not sure, I spent the whole time thinking of England like they told us to..."

They live in an Asian Hobbit hole.

o/...Traditioooo--oh wait, wrong musical.

"Yeah right, let me hear you say that when your king abdicates to marry an American divorcee..."

This isn't really the right song for kung fu fighting; they need something more in the Johnathan Larson mold...

Wow, it didn't take tradition-lady long to be won over...

Two three, KICK!

"Yeah, I am pretty macho, aren't I?"

"No, your wedding tackle!"

"A mummy!...Oh wait, that's your hand."

"Are you going to be at this long? Dinner's almost ready..."

"Wait, where am I? I'M GONNA DIIIIIIIE!!!"

I see some stupid, stupid rulers in Siam's future as a result of these two.

"No really, we have to go down now, the curry just doesn't taste the same when it's cold..."

Can do.

Her husband is Bruce Ismay!

They have so much in common. A complete lack of nipples, for example.

*beep, beep, beep*

She looks like she should be ringing a Salvation Army bell.

The King and I now concludes its broadcast day.

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The King and I, Part 1

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Serrano's Piss Hollywood

When I was a kid, I was always disappointed when the Warner Brothers' logo wasn't immediately followed by a Bugs Bunny cartoon. I have a feeling this movie is going to cause the same reaction.

Meanwhile, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves is starting!

Huh, I didn't know Morgan Freeman had Native American blood...

Jet Li!

Dumbo II: The Revenge

...the sullying of all you hold dear!

Oh hey, it's a...

What? Oh, look, they're...

Hey, no fair taking the images down before I can caption them!

o/...Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it gaaaaay!...o/

Rankin/Bass demanded their credit be shown for the shortest possible amount of time.

So, this movie is like watching feathers and bird shit? Works for me.

"WORSHIP THE BATCH!"

And once again, "adapted"="raped and left huddled crying in a back alley."

Who are they kidding? NOBODY will ever equal Grover's interpretation of the king!

THIS IS GOD! I COMMAND YOU TO STOP TAINTING THE RODGERS AND HAMMERSTEIN LEGACY!!

Walt Disney's Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World

They're just not worried about the storm tearing up the sails and rigging, I guess.

Kid, if you're expecting Leonardo diCaprio to rescue you I've got bad news...

Stoopid Monkey.

Kid, this is exactly what Darwin was talking about...

Abu never gave Aladdin this kind of trouble.

"Whoops, better put these flammable books next to the unsecured lit candle being tossed violently about by the storm..."

"Come on, Moonshee! Hollywood law demands that we have a cute animal companion!"

"Look lady, I don't tell you how to take care of your kid, do I? Though Lord knows you could use some pointers..."

"I knew I should have gotten a parrot instead!"

"What do you think of my new flatscreen?"

"Anachronistic jokes?"

The Dorky Buddha.

This is how Christopher Hitchens believes all religious leaders act.

"EVERY kingdom needs an evil adviser!"

No matter where you go in the world, the bad guy always has an English accent.

He's just been bitter ever since he got beat out for the role of Jafar.

You know, you have to try really hard to create a character who's more of an offensive stereotype than the characters who were written in the 1950s.

Hey Mohawk dude, you mind switching your evil television over to the game for a sec? I just want to check the score.

Did he turn into an orc?

Richard Simmons isn't this flamboyant!

It's a mood iguana!

It's not even five minutes in and the teeth thing is already old.

Hey, Mutiny on the Bounty is on!

Is that magic or a migraine?

Your acting?

That was THIS close to being the vanity plate for the Rank Group.

Dammit, the screen's all fuzzy. Could you send Dorky Buddha up to adjust the dish?

Malificent!

Well, if she falls overboard her skirts can act as a flotation device.

Puff is back--and this time, it's PERSONAL!

I think I know where the kid gets his survival instincts from.

Yep, in a crisis, it's always fight or flight or...whistle.

Maybe by whistling she can blow out the flames...

"Look, we're sorry about the eel pie last night..."

She hasn't learned How Not to be Seen.

"Hey lady, would you mind whistling your way over to the damn harpoon gun?"

.oO(Singing? That bitch crazy!)

"That's nice, now do you know 'Nearer My God to Thee'?"

Just put your lips together and...pant, apparently.

Unfortunately the dragon's a Kander and Ebb fan.

*chomp*

Her relentless optimism is what's REALLY scaring them.

Whistle Twin Powers ACTIVATE!

Now I know why so many women in the 19th century wound up in asylums.

Wait, aren't snakes deaf?

Don Bluth's Oliver!

Ew, no standing akimbo, please.

"Okay boys, play along, then TOSS THEM OVERBOARD!"

o/...Heeeeey, Macarena!...o/

Dragons are allergic to group numbers.

Okay, so what are you going to do about the fact that the hold's been taking on water throughout your entire song?

"Oh Louis...you never were that bright."

Oh, like YOU'RE one to be mocking his acting.

Unfortunately, the whistling philosophy proved less effective when the powder magazine exploded...

"Not too much between despair and ecstasy, though."

"Louis, do you like plays about gladiators?"

"No ma'am, that's a boat."

"Dorky Buddha's just there for the comic relief, though."

"Um, sorry, sometimes I randomly belch speech balloons. I'm getting treatment for it, don't worry."

"Observe my knickers!"

"Really? Cause I read on Weather Underground there was a high chance of fire and lightning belching sea serpents in the area..."

"Or are you just here on a sex tour?"

If he were any oilier you could make French fries with him.

"I have the Herpes B to remember you by..."

"And you'll need a cute marketable creature where you're going!"

Walt Disney's Outbreak

Oh, that explains your act.

Could we get the subtitles back for this guy, plase?

The famous Cardboard Gates of Thailand!

Yay, we're going to Disneyland!

This is the IKEA Erotica equivalent of Scenery Porn.

Next on Cribs...

Oh please, don't give this guy any reprises...

Cool, a shadow play version of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire!

Meanwhile in Silvermoon City...

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ALLERGY - A MAJOR BREAK-THROUGH IN CURING MOST HEALTH PROBLEMS!

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ARIAL: THE OFFICIAL FONT OF QUACKDOM

I don't trust any doctor who can't afford a shotgun mic.

"The pain of a two year old makes me feel nothing."

"...none."

REBOOT

"NEEEEeeeeeeeeEEEEEERVOUS system."

Not if you're choking.

"What? DON'T JUDGE ME!"

We don't?

ARE you a doctor?

I only ask because there appears to be a boating poster where your diploma should be.

New V8 Heroin!

Like Windows XP.

But a bitch ain't one.

There is an ELECTRICITY here!    
>                               

There is an ELECTRICITY here!    
>TA                             

There is an ELECTRICITY here!    
>TAKE                           

There is an ELECTRICITY here!    
>TAKE ELE                       

There is an ELECTRICITY here!    
>TAKE ELECTRI                   

There is an ELECTRICITY here!    
>TAKE ELECTRICITY               

There is an ELECTRICITY here!    
>TAKE ELECTRICITY               
SCROTAR needs ELECTRICITY badly! 
>                               

There is an ELECTRICITY here!    
>TAKE ELECTRICITY               
SCROTAR needs ELECTRICITY badly! 
>BU                             

There is an ELECTRICITY here!    
>TAKE ELECTRICITY               
SCROTAR needs ELECTRICITY badly! 
>BURN                           

There is an ELECTRICITY here!    
>TAKE ELECTRICITY               
SCROTAR needs ELECTRICITY badly! 
>BURN IT                        

Not Jodi BENSON!?!

But what about heroin?

Do you need a magazine? You look like you're full of sh*t.

I always get this guy at the express checkout.

"Add a rhinestone..."

Suppose away.

He calls it Health Scam?!?

"...except in your anus."

Enough for what?

Things.

Aside from your personality.

Not the Antikythera machine.

*Not a legal health claim.

*Not a legal health claim.
†Not a legal health claim.

*Not a legal health claim.
†Not a legal health claim.
**Not a legal health claim.

*Not a legal health claim.
†Not a legal health claim.
**Not a legal health claim.
‡†Not a legal health claim.

*Not a legal health claim.
†Not a legal health claim.
**Not a legal health claim.
‡†Not a legal health claim.
¥Not a legal health claim.

*Not a legal health claim.
†Not a legal health claim.
**Not a legal health claim.
‡†Not a legal health claim.
¥Not a legal health claim.
?‡#%$! Not a legal health claim.

*Not a legal health claim.
†Not a legal health claim.
**Not a legal health claim.
‡†Not a legal health claim.
¥Not a legal health claim.
?‡#%$! Not a legal health claim.
*%‡#%$! Not a legal health claim.

*Not a legal health claim.
†Not a legal health claim.
**Not a legal health claim.
‡†Not a legal health claim.
¥Not a legal health claim.
?‡#%$! Not a legal health claim.
*%‡#%$! Not a legal health claim.
$!#‡#%‡† Not a legal health claim!

*Not a legal health claim.
†Not a legal health claim.
**Not a legal health claim.
‡†Not a legal health claim.
¥Not a legal health claim.
?‡#%$! Not a legal health claim.
*%‡#%$! Not a legal health claim.
$!#‡#%‡† Not a legal health claim!
&?!*%‡#%$!#‡#%‡†!?! Not a legal ?‡#%$! health claim!

But the franchise goes downhill after Health Scan X-2.

o_O

-_-

/  \
o_O

/  \
>_<

/  \\
..o_O..

/^\\
..o_0..

He said, not making eye contact.

You must have travelled widely to be a quack.

Wouldn't they just buy a scheming little dink like you out and make trillions on the patent?

Quinannually?

What percent of that percentage was pulled out of your ass?

I notice you haven't electrocuted that thing off your face yet.

"Lick a 9v battery every day, and..."

MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU!

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Girls Beware

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It's Sid Davis and His Swingin' Band!

Boys are icky!

I know what you're thinking, men, but don't get your hopes up: there's no evil lesbians seducing innocent young girls in this film. Sorry.

Part of Inglewood City in the county of Ingle--look, will you just make with the scare tactics, already?

Norma Neufner, Policewoman! This fall on USA!

She doesn't get a badge or uniform or anything; those are for the real cops.

Since this is the 1950s, my duties are limited to answering the phone, getting coffee, and being available for quickies at the department Christmas party.

"We'll get to your daughter in a second, but first: how many tickets will you be purchasing for the Policeman's Ball this year?"

"My business card collection is now complete!"

Maybe she should socialize with people other than her parents.

Her ad read: Young, gullible teen available for rape and possible murder and body dump. References available on request.

She's dressed like an Italian restaurant!

Patty Duke in The Lovely Bones!

"Let's see...yes, I do believe I'd be able to fit in a crawl space that size..."

The vibraphone really heightens the sense of impending danger in this scene.

Hey, that's the same bowtie-wearing serial killer from "Boys Beware"! Dude sure gets around!

Dear Mom, getting dismembered, Suzie can have my radio and best sweater. Love, Judy.

That's a lovely mothball bracelet she has on.

The darker and edgier sequel to "Dial Comes to Town."

NO ONE will be seated during the thrilling phone dialing scene!

"Ahoy-hoy?"

"Wait, let me check--honey, what's the name of the girl on the sacrificial altar?"

"It's been three weeks; I'm starting to think something might be wrong..."

"Either this phone is dead or my watch has stopped."

Wow, that is the Mount Kilimanjaro of widow's peaks she's got right there.

"Okay, back to my article on Mamie Eisenhower..."

ARE YOU MY MUMMY ARE YOU MY MUMMY ARE YOU MY MUMMY ARE YOU MY MUMMY ARE YOU MY MUMMY ARE YOU MY MUMMY ARE YOU MY MUMMY

So she was found in a CSI opening scene?

I can never decide what dress to wear...

"Your daughter is no more! She has ceased to be! She has expired and gone to meet her maker! She's a stiff! Bereft of life, she rests in peace. If we hadn't found her abandoned by the highway, she'd be pushing up the daisies!"

"I'm very sorry, but this is why God doesn't want women working outside the home..."

"It's all my fault! I let her take that Red Cross babysitting course!"

I don't think anyone under the age of fifty who wears their hair like that is capable of good judgment.

"Candygram."

"Can I borrow a cup of rape?"

"Well, I'm sure you're a nice person and all, but you look a little too ethnic to be trusted..."

"Yes, Suzie Jenkins down the street would be dumb enough to fall for this trick--and you didn't hear it from me, but chances are the tramp won't scream too much when you mount her..."

"Crap, those robots in the front row are back..."

They look so bored and joyless; must be watching a Tim Allen movie.

They're both lost in their own private Tab Hunter fantasies.

Back before cell phones, jerks were forced to annoy fellow moviegoers by speaking directly to them.

Especially when all of you get tossed out for disruptive conduct.

"Hey, down in front!"
"Find sexual assault victims on your own time!"

"Why sure, I love tossed salad! I believe eating greens is very important..."

That popcorn cost them seven bucks.

"Come on, Liz, I want to meet this guy Sanchez he keeps talking about!"

Hayley Mills will just have to get violated another day.

"We'd better go inside, there's only five more trailers before the feature starts..."

"What happened to Janet Leigh? I stepped out for a bit..."

"I'm sure we can share a victim, right Bobby?"

"Go on, lie and endanger me! If you're my best friend you'll do it!"

They hired a movie theater full of extras, and dammit EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM is getting camera time!

"Great! Now we can go to that place where they pack fudge!"

The poor girl didn't head the Rock Guitar of Doom on the soundtrack.

Well, you know what they say about men and directions...

The Plan Nine From Outer Space dirt road is a major makeout spot in these parts.

"I don't understand, how are we going to get a sandwich all the way out here?"

No, not kissing! I bet they use tongue and everything!

Why do the parents always wait until midnight exactly to call the cops? Is there tax reasons?

Good thing she sleeps with the phone beside her.

It's the 1950s version of Spring Awakening.

"Now of course your harlot daughter will have to be stoned to death; we can arrange a nice private ceremony if you like..."

Oooh, they have fish-shrimp! Maybe they have some chicken-pork as well!

This Good Times off of I-70.

So...he was going to college?

So he stalked Reese Whitherspoon.

1970s hair of the 1950s!

"Thanks--put it on my tab."

"You a spitter or swallower, Mary?"

But not movie stars in cars. That would be too much for a first date.

"Great! I'll go get my Edsel..."

This could be the beginning of a beautiful domestic abuse.

"What do you think of my house?"

The music is mocking her impending assault.

"And over there is where I hid the body of my last girlfriend--but enough about me..."

o/...No one's quick as Bob, no one's slick as Bob...o/

--or any boy, for that matter.

"Bye! I'll let you know if I find my hymen!"

"And we're going to register at Macy's, and you should see the china pattern I've picked out..."

"Go get me a malt, woman!"

Wow, a guy who turned down a threesome? There's something you don't see everyday.

Date Rape Alley is busy on Fridays.

"Come on, I want to ride the see-saw!"

Does his passenger door just not work?

But since we're still under the Hays Code, we can't tell you any more about that...

How demanding can he be? They're in a public park! There's a big family reunion going on just offscreen!

"Tum-te-tum, nothing to see here kids..."

"I left my keys in Bob's car."

So it was against the law to get knocked up in the 1950s? They were stricter than I thought!

George Putnam uses the opportunity to promote his "Perversion for Profit" seminar.

So, basically rapists are motivated by low self-esteem.

"Don't worry, Mary, we'll send you to live with your aunt for a few months, and then you'll have a beautiful baby sibling and we'll never speak of this again."

And remember, nobody buys the cow when they can get the milk for free. Good night.

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Thumbelina, Part 8

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Quite a coup getting the Death of Rats to officiate.

"I'll treasure them always, Teresa."
"Thumbelina."
"Whatever."

Wait, that was Cornelius' ring? Shows how much I've been paying attention....but can you blame me?

Uh-oh, trouble at the Longstocking wedding...

"Does this mean we get to keep the gifts?"

"Do I have to sing another song to set you straight?"

Well, she's already dressed for a clown wedding...

Where was this assertiveness for the past seventy minutes, huh?

"HOWAREYA!"

Wait, I thought he decided he didn't like her...oh who cares, the movie will end faster if they don't explain it.

"Af...lac...."

And our hero stumbles to the rescue!

"Damn, I can't leave that girl alone for a SECOND!"

"Your motor car can't save you now!"

"He was mostly dead, all right?"

Great, now a spider's gonna try to come alomg and bang her..."

"Wait...what was I doing?"

"My blood sacrifice brought it back after all!"

SO, basically Thumbelina suffered from severe seasonal affective disorder...

"I am not left-handed!"

"Hey, you're pretty good. Maybe you should have been the hero of this movie..."

"We're just going to go on ahead to the catered reception, if it's okay with you..."

There, a villain fell to his presumed death. Now that we've ripped off every single Disney cliche ever, can the movie please be over?

"Our honeymoon reservations are non-refundable!"

All I know is, those pirates are gonna be pretty pissed off when they see what happened to their treasure.

"Hooray, they'll be buried alive!"

Well, so much for that. Now what are you going to do about the fact you're dressed like a demented 18th century hooker?

"Aaagh, a dog! Oh wait, that's my shadow..."

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the deus ex machina!

"I'm forced to admit!"

"It was in Miami this whole time!"

See? Men can ask for directions.

Well, she's been abducted by every other male character in this movie, so why not?"

"He's a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in peace. If you hadn't frozen him in the ice he'd be pushing up the daisies. HE IS AN EX-PRINCE!"

"I almost agreed to star in a direct-to-video sequel of this movie!"

"I love Survivor!"

"Here we are--Fargo, North Dakota! Good luck!"

"Come out and pla-ay!"

"Ha-ha, humor him..."

Weed! THAT'S what would make this movie better!

"Sorry, your mom's already turned your bedroom into a sewing box."

"Okay, but my concert fee starts at ten large."

"La la la, gushy romance, can we go now?"

"Hellooo, who's that hot robin over there?"

"Let's forget about the prince and smoke this shit!"

"That's what the GPS says!"

Even the French can boss Thumbelina around.

I've heard of shattering glass with your voice, but icicles?

"Christ, it is FREEZING out here!"

That's the Vale of the Fairies for you: if you don't like the weather, wait five minutes.

Hey, can you move out of the way? I think Fantasia is starting back there!

If she starts singing Creed, I'm leaving.

"I mean, where are all the nightclubs?"

"Hi, what'd I miss?"

"You're never coming back, did I mention that?

"I want to date other fairies."

And the moral of the story is: always marry the first guy you're attracted to!

His kiss changed her dress!

Well, that makes perfect--huh? Oh forget it, it's almost over...

It was nice of the Keeblers to come for the wedding...

A duck! Oh wait, it's her hat...

"Winky, Tinky, quit messing with those flowers and help me play these chimes!"

Meanwhile, back at the lavish estate of the poor old spinster..."

Even the fairies know Wagner!

They got married at the Holy Cathedral of the Wiggles!

And now, an anthem in honor of the bride.
o/...THUM-BE-LIN-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!...o/

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