ALLERGY - A MAJOR BREAK-THROUGH IN CURING MOST HEALTH PROBLEMS!

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ARIAL: THE OFFICIAL FONT OF QUACKDOM

I don't trust any doctor who can't afford a shotgun mic.

"The pain of a two year old makes me feel nothing."

"...none."

REBOOT

"NEEEEeeeeeeeeEEEEEERVOUS system."

Not if you're choking.

"What? DON'T JUDGE ME!"

We don't?

ARE you a doctor?

I only ask because there appears to be a boating poster where your diploma should be.

New V8 Heroin!

Like Windows XP.

But a bitch ain't one.

There is an ELECTRICITY here!    
>                               

There is an ELECTRICITY here!    
>TA                             

There is an ELECTRICITY here!    
>TAKE                           

There is an ELECTRICITY here!    
>TAKE ELE                       

There is an ELECTRICITY here!    
>TAKE ELECTRI                   

There is an ELECTRICITY here!    
>TAKE ELECTRICITY               

There is an ELECTRICITY here!    
>TAKE ELECTRICITY               
SCROTAR needs ELECTRICITY badly! 
>                               

There is an ELECTRICITY here!    
>TAKE ELECTRICITY               
SCROTAR needs ELECTRICITY badly! 
>BU                             

There is an ELECTRICITY here!    
>TAKE ELECTRICITY               
SCROTAR needs ELECTRICITY badly! 
>BURN                           

There is an ELECTRICITY here!    
>TAKE ELECTRICITY               
SCROTAR needs ELECTRICITY badly! 
>BURN IT                        

Not Jodi BENSON!?!

But what about heroin?

Do you need a magazine? You look like you're full of sh*t.

I always get this guy at the express checkout.

"Add a rhinestone..."

Suppose away.

He calls it Health Scam?!?

"...except in your anus."

Enough for what?

Things.

Aside from your personality.

Not the Antikythera machine.

*Not a legal health claim.

*Not a legal health claim.
†Not a legal health claim.

*Not a legal health claim.
†Not a legal health claim.
**Not a legal health claim.

*Not a legal health claim.
†Not a legal health claim.
**Not a legal health claim.
‡†Not a legal health claim.

*Not a legal health claim.
†Not a legal health claim.
**Not a legal health claim.
‡†Not a legal health claim.
¥Not a legal health claim.

*Not a legal health claim.
†Not a legal health claim.
**Not a legal health claim.
‡†Not a legal health claim.
¥Not a legal health claim.
?‡#%$! Not a legal health claim.

*Not a legal health claim.
†Not a legal health claim.
**Not a legal health claim.
‡†Not a legal health claim.
¥Not a legal health claim.
?‡#%$! Not a legal health claim.
*%‡#%$! Not a legal health claim.

*Not a legal health claim.
†Not a legal health claim.
**Not a legal health claim.
‡†Not a legal health claim.
¥Not a legal health claim.
?‡#%$! Not a legal health claim.
*%‡#%$! Not a legal health claim.
$!#‡#%‡† Not a legal health claim!

*Not a legal health claim.
†Not a legal health claim.
**Not a legal health claim.
‡†Not a legal health claim.
¥Not a legal health claim.
?‡#%$! Not a legal health claim.
*%‡#%$! Not a legal health claim.
$!#‡#%‡† Not a legal health claim!
&?!*%‡#%$!#‡#%‡†!?! Not a legal ?‡#%$! health claim!

But the franchise goes downhill after Health Scan X-2.

o_O

-_-

/  \
o_O

/  \
>_<

/  \\
..o_O..

/^\\
..o_0..

He said, not making eye contact.

You must have travelled widely to be a quack.

Wouldn't they just buy a scheming little dink like you out and make trillions on the patent?

Quinannually?

What percent of that percentage was pulled out of your ass?

I notice you haven't electrocuted that thing off your face yet.

"Lick a 9v battery every day, and..."

MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU!

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Sylvia Browne's Predictions for 2009 (Part 1)

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We were. Let's see how you did.

You're not going to change them after the fact like you do on your website, are you?

Book sales down, Syl?

"Ribbit."

Puff puff. Pass. Prophecy. Prevaricate.

That wasn't the first one?

YOU'RE NOT A FRAUD!

Yes yes, my liberal sensibilities are sufficiently buttered up. Can we move on to the predictions?

Everyone expected the December interest rate cut you're referring to, and there was no cut in all of 2009.

Mexican labor?

And many things we don't.

Are we talking about lamp oil? Fish oil?

We sure did expect it though, didn't we?

You fail again, Professor Umbridge.

No, I know about Kermit Roosevelt overthrowing the elected government and installing the Shah in Iran.

All the live-long day.

Don't we see that every year?

All in December?

Strange that you didn't foresee the re-escalation in Afghanistan.

"Lending at the biggest U.S. banks has fallen more sharply than realized, despite government efforts to pump billions of dollars into the financial sector." ~The Wall Street Journal, 2009

"The tally of bank failures easily broke past the No. 100 milestone on Friday night, with regulators announcing the year's 106th closure. That's more than four times the number that were closed in 2008..." ~CNN Money, 2009

"I mean, when the party I predicted gets into the White House..."

In 2009?

With Brooks Garner. Brooks?

(Not really funny. He's just my old roommate.)

You're a psychic. Aren't you supposed to just know?

Yes, I'm sure somewhere "the islands" will have bad weather. Thank you.

"The 2009 Atlantic hurricane season was below average in activity, with a total of nine named storms and three hurricanes. For the first time since 2006, no storm brought hurricane force winds to the United States..." ~Wikipedia

"The 2009 Atlantic hurricane season was below average in activity, with a total of nine named storms and three hurricanes. For the first time since 2006, no storm brought hurricane force winds to the United States..." ~Wikipedia

"...she telephoned a psychic."

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Theta Healing

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Cloying intro, take 1...

Hi Anne. Did you smash a robot cop?

Dr. Coe Dotukae?

I thought the Scientologists healed you of your thetans.

"Aren't you a nice big pair of pants..."

"...shaving..."

So a good set of nonspecific, psychosomatic symptoms then. Good...

"Can you remember anything prior to waking and baking this morning?"

"Pass! Next category."

Running Northern Rock?

"So you're a loser, basically..."

"Come out of" could mean a lot of things.

Funny. He doesn't sound American.

Join the f***ing club.

THE HELL?!

Was it a ventriloquists' shop?

"In no way could the placebo effect produce the same results."

"Stoned?"

*rimshot*

"Despite the fact that you had no real responsibility at work?"

"...as if under a randy middle-aged woman..."

"I see that your love line is especially- I, I mean..."

Huh?

"Could you do it again, but sexier?"

"You're a naughty boy, aren't you?"

"...what I just felt."

"Lets put that in a package and mail it to Who Gives a F*ck."

That was an odd cut.

+ DANGER WILL GETSTONED! +

+DANGER WILL GETSTONED!+

+ DANGER WILL GETSTONED! +

+DANGER WILL GETSTONED!+

+ DANGER WILL GETSTONED! +

+DANGER WILL GETSTONED!+

+ DANGER WILL GETSTONED! +

Certainly not six inches north of there.

Another cut. Were they busting up laughing every 45 seconds?

"...at a Phish concert."

*wets her lips*

"I've almost come."

Should I have brought a book?

I guess I'll do some Mad Libs...


Ah, but she was the queer old _________ anyhow, Anna Livia, trinkettoes! And sure he was the _________ old buntz too, Dear Dirty Dumpling, foostherfather of fingalls and _________. Gammer and gaffer we're all _________.

I guess I'll do some Mad Libs...


Ah, but she was the queer old ___butt__ anyhow, Anna Livia, trinkettoes! And sure he was the _________ old buntz too, Dear Dirty Dumpling, foostherfather of fingalls and _________. Gammer and gaffer we're all _________.

I guess I'll do some Mad Libs...


Ah, but she was the queer old ___butt__ anyhow, Anna Livia, trinkettoes! And sure he was the __bottom_ old buntz too, Dear Dirty Dumpling, foostherfather of fingalls and _________. Gammer and gaffer we're all _________.

I guess I'll do some Mad Libs...


Ah, but she was the queer old ___butt__ anyhow, Anna Livia, trinkettoes! And sure he was the __bottom_ old buntz too, Dear Dirty Dumpling, foostherfather of fingalls and _buttman_. Gammer and gaffer we're all _________.

I guess I'll do some Mad Libs...


Ah, but she was the queer old ___butt__ anyhow, Anna Livia, trinkettoes! And sure he was the __bottom_ old buntz too, Dear Dirty Dumpling, foostherfather of fingalls and _buttman_. Gammer and gaffer we're all _cheesed_.

I guess I'll do some Mad Libs...


Ah, but she was the queer old ___butt__ anyhow, Anna Livia, trinkettoes! And sure he was the __bottom_ old buntz too, Dear Dirty Dumpling, foostherfather of fingalls and _buttman_. Gammer and gaffer we're all _cheesed_.

Wait, are they done?

You child of _________, Kinsella's Lilith! Now who has been _________ the leg of her _________ on her? Which leg is it? The one with the _________ on it. Rinse them out and aston along with you!

You child of ___butt__, Kinsella's Lilith! Now who has been _________ the leg of her _________ on her? Which leg is it? The one with the _________ on it. Rinse them out and aston along with you!

Is the test going to be as vague and unverifiable as the "treatment?"

"...physically, mentally and sexually free..."

Nuzzle test?

"...like a right git about now."

Ew, what did they do during those cuts?

WE'VE WITNESSED A MIRACLE TODAY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

"...bagging groceries."

Sort of a spiritual Mentos ad.

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Conspiracy Theory: Did We Land on the Moon? Part 1

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Manbags

In fact, they're mostly mistaken assumptions and half-assed guilt by association.

You are all individuals.

Why doesn't Fox News carry that disclaimer anymore?

IN A WORLD where rockets are shot into space...

The final episode of M*A*S*H*?

Okay. I don't believe it.

"The whole relationship, just the failed gamble of two people desperate not to be seen alone."

Paper or plastic?

Or whatever else we can find.

"The eagle is now picking up a tortoise to drop on that rock over there..."

I'm glad they took the time to interview a guy who thinks he knows everything but doesn't.

Tony Nelson?

Are you trying to tell me that Bush was actually pretending to be a complete idiot?

YOU MAKE THE CALL

[Insert melodrama here]

I hope this ends with Buzz Aldrin punching everyone involved in the face.

"Yeah, it's tied."

And promptly died of suffocation.

"Umm...what comes after nine?"

"I can't get 'Fly Me to the Moon' out of my head, over..."

Wow, it's so vaguely sexual...

Blasted in his face?

With no toilet stops on the way.

"Got really drunk and did some things they never spoke of again..."

"Read a few chapters of The Fountainhead..."

The ladies toilets? A theater showing Mamma Mia?

"No, your other right..."

("Sh***ing Our Pants Base" didn't quite have the same ring to it.)

Yes?

David Attenborough: "And here we see a footprint of the rare and probably endangered Neilius Armstrongius..."

Most of us don't wear tinfoil hats and build survival shelters under our garden sheds.

Now... what were they again?

"Crap, line?"

No, that wasn't it...

♬ ...Leap of faith, leap of faith...

So he knows everything there is to know about astronomy and space travel.

"For instance, we couldn't decide what colour we wanted the rockets to be."

Michael Bay's Apollo 13

Sikh the Truth

^
|
sane

...gave him a tingly feeling.

What channel was he watching?

"I mean, where was all the green cheese?"

"A cat chasing a mouse, and getting beaten up again and again? Preposterous!"

It was Fusie the Star Sprite!

"NOOOOO stars!" *irritating whistle*

It's almost like THE SUN WAS SHINING, you twits!

Waving... wobbling... whatever.

DUN DUN DUN!!!

Okay we admit it, we actually sent a woman!

And quite rightly, too.

"Morons, we call them."

"WE LOVE YOU, FLOCK OF SEAGULLS!"

These people will be found and eliminated.

Umm, they're paranoid and delusional?

Please, our government can't keep the lid on a couple waterboardings, let alone something like this...

"Beep beep! Woo! Aliens are coming, commander! They'll never take us alive, spaceman!"

Until he was fired for being mad as pants.

Please say you're only telling the documentary makers this because it's what they want to hear and you don't believe a word of what you're saying...

"...a ten billion dollar 'NEENER NEENER' at the Reds?"

In order to heal.

To the TARDIS!

People should never assume anything.

"They defined that as killing us all."

The Beanie Baby craze?

"...an America already terrified by the introduction of the Edsel."

Sputnik: Russian for "Daddy Long-Legs"

It carried "NU - C L E - AR" bombs. Get it right, people.

"But this footage of a large explosion says otherwise..."

Crap, are we doing the Watchmen trailer again?

Did these guys know what they were being interviewed for?

These people had been reading too much science-fiction.

Ha-ha, just a little joke from me, the narrator...

"Never tell me the odds!"

You're just making these numbers up as you go along, right?

"...Point zero, zero quillion, to the negative power of, like, infinity..."

Stupid rocket, you're not supposed to explode until you get to Russia!

Please. Tell.

"And the leprechauns never lie to me."

"...where did we get all the receipts?"

Why, through the magic of CGI, of course!

Since there's no way we can pretend it didn't actually happen.

It sent them to Pluto. CHEW ON THAT, CONSPIRACY PUSSIES!

"Hey Neil, if you don't come back can I have your stereo?"

Passing the time with a few games of charades and Zero-G Scrabble.

"...God created reality television, and seeing what He had done sealed it away in the dark places until the coming of the Antitaste."

"...and then Atlantis stole the missing Zapruder footage from the Reptoids."

Scorpio Zero, Capricorn leads the series by two.

So it MUST be true!

"Switch it to the Knicks game!"

"But we're planting an American flag anyway."

Which you already said was filmed AFTER the moon landing! Is NASA hiding a time machine too?

But it isn't.

Producer:
1. Gringo Wedding (2006) (executive producer)
2. Barbarosa (1982) (producer)
3. Hanover Street (1979) (producer)
4. Capricorn One (1978) (producer)
5. Extreme Close-Up (1973) (producer)

Self:
1. Conspiracy Theory: Did We Land on the Moon? (2001) (TV) .... Himself

"I also believe Bigfoot knows where Hoffa's body is."

The pudding is solid?

So let me get this right, they're putting a later piece of fiction forward as evidence that the moon landings were faked?

"...none of us actually had sex..."

Oh please. You can't even make your toupee look convincing.

Tv monitors! It's true!

*klieg light falls on astronaut*

But they somehow forgot the stars. Remember that.

I think you've had enough...

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What is Brain Wave Vibration?

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More or less by default.

(And even more bullshit stories.)

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow...

"Hello, you're on Car Talk."

"Yes, I keep hearing a brain wave vibration..."

Is this the apocalypse video from Gremlins II ?

The "Argument By Pun" logical fallacy, ladies and gentlemen.

And like the Master Control Program, it can be defeated by Jeff Bridges and Bruce Boxleitner.

Like the Snugee.

I guess.

.oO(I can HEAR the pastels!)

It's called "Not dying."

...that he could become a multimillionaire, and bang lots of hot American chicks if he renamed his cult "Dahn Yoga" and moved it to Arizona.

Unlike rocks, or teakettles.

Uh uh.

No. No. No. No. No!

Change my pitch up! Smack my bitch up!
Change my pitch up! Smack my bitch up!
Change my pitch up! Smack my bitch up!

Here they all are.

AAUGH!

Clots?

Dammit, do it! DAMN YOU!

*pukes*

Clearly.

You "choir" your mind down?

What about after the breakdown?

Into what?

"Better" is a bit vague here.

"HEY DON'T CUT AWAY FROM ME!"

(slash wallet)

How to put this delicately...

Except, you know, cancer and stuff.

Where's the keg?

And have more sex.

With more passion and energy.

With her? Sure!

*Warning: Brain wave vibration may cause yeast infection. Do not taunt brain wave vibration. Consult your doctor if you experience any results of brain wave vibration, as they may be a sign of a more serious mental condition. Void in Utah and Florida. These claims have not been verified by Oprah Winfrey.