Thumbelina, Part 9

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"That's your mom? Bitch stepped on my favorite cousin!"

William and Kate did it better.

Isn't this where pets are supposed to go when they die?

Half an hour into the honeymoon, he gets lost in a swamp and she's engaged to a possum...

*CRASH!*

"Buh-bye, stay shallow, pretty, and annoying!"

"We did it! Now off to haunt more nightmares!"

Unfortunately, he still can't get married in most states.

Why is she wearing a candy wrapper on her head?

Poor dopes think "honeymoon" means they actually have to visit the moon.

"--they ripped off Beauty and the Beast ever after!"

No, Thumbelina's still reading tha-
*squish*

So, whatever happened to that hootchie-mama toad, anyway? Did she ever get that gig in Branson?

The film looked in the Ark!

In order to help you leave the theater faster, here's the most annoying song in the show!

I'm not sure if this is just a blurry copy, or of the crew is just trying to protect its identity.

Eggman! He came out of the chicken coop to do battle with THE AMAZING RANDO!

Character aviators? What?

So, what was up with Hans Christian Andersen's characters not doing anything, anyway? The Ugly Duckling, The Steadfast Tin Soldier, the Little Match Girl, this chick...it's like a buffet of passivity!

Then again, we are talking about a guy who spent most of his life in a state of severe sexual repression...

Doesn't the guy on the bottom left need to get back to The Secret of NIMH?

Coat Check Co-Ordinator?

Awesome Carpet Questions?

Ink & Pants Chairoscuro Contacts...oh, I give up.

Where are the underpaid Koreans? It seems to me you can't make an animated movie of this, ah, caliber without underpaid Koreans...

Oh yeah, there was a bear in this movie for like, thirty seconds, wasn't there?

Yuk Yum? There's a confusing name for you.

And now, please welcome the End Credits Pop Ballad, complete with Mid-Ninties Electric Keyboard Opening!

"This is another fine mess you've gotten us into, Stanley."

Kangaroo Checkers? That sounds like a fun game!

*sigh* You're going to give every damn character with a speaking role a cameo in the credits, aren't you?

I'm dreaming of the ending of this movie...

Hey, the underpaid Koreans! And fittingly, a couple of them are named "Dang"!

Wait...you already did the cast! No fair, you can't repeat credits!

Taco was involved in this movie? I suppose we should be thankful we didn't hear Gilbert Gottfried singing "Puttin' on the Ritz."

Irish Film Orchestrations: Because you'll need a lot of whiskey to get through this score.

Let's see, there's the Electric Guitar Riff, we already had the Slow Cymbal Roll, the Soulful Duet, and the Soothing Synthesizer Chords...Hey, I got End Credit Song Bingo!

Skywalker Sound? Come to think of it, this movie could have benefited from a few lightsaber noises...

Sounds like someone put Aretha Franklin and Tina Turner in a gene splicing machine.

I can't read what that says, but I'm going to be charitable and assume it's an apology.

"Hi everyone, Hero the Dog here. I just wanted to say that I'm aware this entire movie could have been avoided if I hadn't been such a useless guard dog, and I humbly apologize for the pain you had to go through."

Did they do the part about not being able to rebroadcast without permission of the Major League Baseball Association?

She's shitting credits!

What, is Ferris going to come out now?

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Thumbelina, Part 8

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Quite a coup getting the Death of Rats to officiate.

"I'll treasure them always, Teresa."
"Thumbelina."
"Whatever."

Wait, that was Cornelius' ring? Shows how much I've been paying attention....but can you blame me?

Uh-oh, trouble at the Longstocking wedding...

"Does this mean we get to keep the gifts?"

"Do I have to sing another song to set you straight?"

Well, she's already dressed for a clown wedding...

Where was this assertiveness for the past seventy minutes, huh?

"HOWAREYA!"

Wait, I thought he decided he didn't like her...oh who cares, the movie will end faster if they don't explain it.

"Af...lac...."

And our hero stumbles to the rescue!

"Damn, I can't leave that girl alone for a SECOND!"

"Your motor car can't save you now!"

"He was mostly dead, all right?"

Great, now a spider's gonna try to come alomg and bang her..."

"Wait...what was I doing?"

"My blood sacrifice brought it back after all!"

SO, basically Thumbelina suffered from severe seasonal affective disorder...

"I am not left-handed!"

"Hey, you're pretty good. Maybe you should have been the hero of this movie..."

"We're just going to go on ahead to the catered reception, if it's okay with you..."

There, a villain fell to his presumed death. Now that we've ripped off every single Disney cliche ever, can the movie please be over?

"Our honeymoon reservations are non-refundable!"

All I know is, those pirates are gonna be pretty pissed off when they see what happened to their treasure.

"Hooray, they'll be buried alive!"

Well, so much for that. Now what are you going to do about the fact you're dressed like a demented 18th century hooker?

"Aaagh, a dog! Oh wait, that's my shadow..."

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the deus ex machina!

"I'm forced to admit!"

"It was in Miami this whole time!"

See? Men can ask for directions.

Well, she's been abducted by every other male character in this movie, so why not?"

"He's a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in peace. If you hadn't frozen him in the ice he'd be pushing up the daisies. HE IS AN EX-PRINCE!"

"I almost agreed to star in a direct-to-video sequel of this movie!"

"I love Survivor!"

"Here we are--Fargo, North Dakota! Good luck!"

"Come out and pla-ay!"

"Ha-ha, humor him..."

Weed! THAT'S what would make this movie better!

"Sorry, your mom's already turned your bedroom into a sewing box."

"Okay, but my concert fee starts at ten large."

"La la la, gushy romance, can we go now?"

"Hellooo, who's that hot robin over there?"

"Let's forget about the prince and smoke this shit!"

"That's what the GPS says!"

Even the French can boss Thumbelina around.

I've heard of shattering glass with your voice, but icicles?

"Christ, it is FREEZING out here!"

That's the Vale of the Fairies for you: if you don't like the weather, wait five minutes.

Hey, can you move out of the way? I think Fantasia is starting back there!

If she starts singing Creed, I'm leaving.

"I mean, where are all the nightclubs?"

"Hi, what'd I miss?"

"You're never coming back, did I mention that?

"I want to date other fairies."

And the moral of the story is: always marry the first guy you're attracted to!

His kiss changed her dress!

Well, that makes perfect--huh? Oh forget it, it's almost over...

It was nice of the Keeblers to come for the wedding...

A duck! Oh wait, it's her hat...

"Winky, Tinky, quit messing with those flowers and help me play these chimes!"

Meanwhile, back at the lavish estate of the poor old spinster..."

Even the fairies know Wagner!

They got married at the Holy Cathedral of the Wiggles!

And now, an anthem in honor of the bride.
o/...THUM-BE-LIN-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!...o/

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Thumbelina, Part 7

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(Folks, I'm sorry about the sound quality on this one, but it's the best copy of this section of the movie I could find. Also, you may notice we've backtracked a bit.)

(So why don't you just grab a drink, use the restroom, or just skip ahead to the next scene with the toad and the bug, and we'll pick it up there. Sound good? Good. ~TheDiva)

"Um, he was that way when I found him!"

"I prefer Madonna anyway!"

"That I know a way to get rich quick in just three months?"

He must go through mustache wax by the case.

"Now, she might be a little suicidally depressed when you see her..."

WHOA! Suddenly it's a Tarantino movie!

She's buried with a defunct reality series?

"You can't fool me! I don't HAVE a tail!"

For future reference, you probably shouldn't dress the heavy in your movie like Pulchinella.

From the mohel?

"It's worse than what he does to AMC Gremlins!"

They're relatively blase about the serial killer in their midst.

"That's your solution for everything, Billy Bob!"

FINALLY someone in this movie talks sense!
Of course it's the Gilbert Gottfried character, so it still sounds painful..."

"Yeah thanks, we totally didn't see that."

"That's your solution for everything, Billy Bob!"

Didn't David the Gnome live there?

"The door's locked, the walls are nice and soundproof...time for the skin flaying!"

"Money's like manure, you know..."

This from a mouse in baby blue bloomers.

"And there's that whole murdering beetles and displaying their mutilated corpses, but we all have a few quirks..."

She makes a lot of snap judgments about people.

Unusual music for a striptease.

o/...And it's public domain, so we can steal it all we want!...o/

Frosting and sprinkles on a hope chest?

o/...And change his ways tomorrow!...o/

o/...He's kind of insane and he kills just for fun...o/

o/...But that's what Altoids are for!...o/

Ew, old mouse funk!

Did the house from "Hansel and Gretel" just manifest briefly back there?

"And there was a kissing fish too, at least in the version I saw."

At least SOMEONE in this movie has actually read the classics.

No arguments here.

"Getting marries to psychotic recluses builds character!"

"Plastics."

Ew no, that was the maggot nest!

"And wear this tabard!"

"And go to the ceremony dressed as Lady Gaga!"

o/...Heeeeeey, Macarena!...o/

Ah, Minnesota in May...

Still comatose? Good.

"I'm gonna put his wing in warm water..."

"Well, I was planning on dying of hypothermia, but I'll raise my body temperature just for you. Twit."

His beak gloss hasn't even smudged!

"If only I had some basic competence, you wouldn't be in this mess..."

Well, Tom Cruise has done all right for himself...

"Like have the great taste of cream cheese with only half the fat!"

"He has a handsome life insurance policy, and he's blind so arranging an 'accident' would be easy..."

"I suppose I could try taking care of myself...naaah, that's crazy talk!"

"Geez, I can't sleep with you yammering on like that!"

"No, I'm Thumbelina."

"Let me strangle you in my joy!"

"No, no, it's okay, I'm only half frozen and have several broken bones..."

"Oh hey, where did that come from?"

"Now if I pull this, you'll rescue me from being devoured in the Colosseum, right?"

"Oh, your pus is delicious!"

"I'm okay! I'm not as think as you drunk I am!"

"I thought the nice men in white coats helped you with this 'Vale of the Fairies' nonsense..."

Oh yeah, said the three-inch tall girl to the French-accented swallow in Harlequin drag.

There's a fine line between enthusiastic and insane. He's over it by several miles.

"I've had it with this lousy score!"

"He forgot to check out with the front desk...."

Did she say that or did I?

"But if I'd actually told him that, the movie would be over..."

"I told you we should have taken this thing out of the fridge sooner!"

"Oh yeah, the solid block of ice totally has wireless access."

*finger snaps off*

"Quick, you steal his wallet while he's still groggy!"

Hair by Queen Amidala.

Why is she carrying a pink toilet plunger with with palm leaves on it?

I'm surprised they were able to book Redwall Abbey for the ceremony; it's usually a six-month wait...

o/...Let me be--dayam girl, what the Hell are you wearing?

Uh-oh, Thumbelina got lost on the way to the altar...

Hey, they started without her!

Look, a Cootie!

A mood ring? What, the cheap-ass mole couldn't spring for a diamond?

"What? Sorry, I was just listening to the little man in my ring..."

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Thumbelina, Part 6

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"Love between two male swallows is unnatural!"

Everyone say it with her now...

Beautiful.

You know, say what you will about the Disney Princesses, at least most of them didn't whine to their mommies when things didn't go their way...

So...yeah. A shoe.

o/...Fah-hoo forus, dah-hoo dorus, welcome Christmas, come this way...o/

With winter coming, the singing animals were all slaughtered for food. And there was much rejoicing.
(Yay.)

.oO(I don't care if she's lost, that's no excuse to leave the window open! Does she think I'm heating the whole barnyard?)

.oO(I'll just go back to the fairy and get another barleycorn. Maybe it'll grow into a kid with a little more common sense...)

o/...THUM-BE-LIN-AAAAAAAAAAAAAA--
"Oh, shut the fuck up already!"

This is the scene we like to call "Hey, These Characters Are Still In Our Movie!"

Must have been Hell doing to boning on her corsets.

The dog has male pattern baldness!

What era is this set in, anyway? Middle Renaissance Festival?

So, you're really going to go through this entire song again? Folks, now might be a good time for a bathroom break.

Wasn't she the con artist with the fake jewelry in the animated Titanic?

It's a Charlie Brown chicken!

He has a Pop-O-Matic head.

"My nostrils! Who stole my nostrils?!"

Sure it's filler, but at least it's not filler with Gilbert Gottfried talking.

Just because you technically can reach that note doesn't mean you should.

*glass shatters*

From all of us at Thumbelina, have a happy holiday season.

Yup, still a shoe.

Thank God, someone finally killed the soundtrack.

"I was until you started talking."

So, the Cinderella gig wasn't paying the bills, huh?

"The mouth of Hell."

Imagine how awkward it would be if we did this: "Hi, I'm Mr. Human, this is my wife Mrs. Human-Human and our friends the Humans..."

"But where's the land serene and the crystal moon?"

They got Carol Channing because getting Ryan Stiles to do his Carol Channing impression would have cost too much.

"No, and neither will anyone else. Now let's see, the crawl space should be just about ready..."

"Ha-ha, you almost died of hypothermia! You're a laugh riot!"

Her mind isn't so much one track as one note.

"Well duh. How many two-inch-tall humans do YOU see walking around these parts?"

How does she know this stuff? Did she get a copy of the screenplay, like the Electric Mayhem in The Muppet Movie?

"Shame about him running off to New Hampshire with that poolboy."

*Psycho violins*

"Dead? Is that bad?"

"Wow, she's really hamming it up in there."

What are you, the Grinch?

"Good, good, now tell her she was adopted!"

"I have Exposition Tourettes."

"You've got half the animal kingdom lining up to bang you, after all!"

"Except George Clooney. Homina homina!"

"I'm taking you clubbing tonight!"

"With his roommates, Mr. Chipmunk and Miss Northern Short-Tailed Shrew."

"You only have frostbite on three toes, quit being such a baby!"

"I told him you'd do a striptease."

"Well, compared to the other characters in this movie..."

"Come on, give him a few bars of 'Poker Face'!"

And once again, a minor character browbeats Thumbelina into doing something she doesn't really want to do.

"Actually dearie, it was autoerotic asphyxiation...oops, there I go blurting stuff out again!"

Wow, Mole's so rich he just leaves it lying around in his front yard. He's like a redneck with a high tax bracket.

Nope, too subtle. Could you try being a little more ominous?

"Your wealth is looking mighty ostentatious today."

"I seem to have got my head stuck in a coffee filter, could you help?"

"Her boyfriend's dead, you know."

"The attic?"

"Those darn toads coming in and taking jobs from honest mammals..."

A lot of guys talk to a woman's boobs, but it takes a special kind of perv to talk to her cooch!

"Please don't say you want to marry me."

Dude, what are you, four?

"You'll love them, I got out most of the weevils this time!"

"If you eat them fast enough, you don't even notice the taste!"

"Mother warned me that could happen."

So, if he never goes outside, where does his stuff come from?

Well, so much for the "decent" part.

"You two have so much in common!"

"Okay, I'll tell you about Tess of the d'Urbervilles..."

Cool, she's going to do "Doll on a Music Box"!

"Um...line?"

"No, don't encourage her!"

o/...Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me...o/

She said sing, she didn't say anything about interpretive dance!

"Hey babe, it's great being cryogenically frozen. Me and Disney are best buds now..."

"Miss Fieldmouse, why did she stop singing?"
"Um, I think she's having a psychotic episode..."

Andres Serrano's Piss Thumbelina

I think Thumbelina just invented German Existentialism.

"Damn, another boyfriend dissolved on me."

"And I'll remember Mama, too."

Could someone give Thumbelina her Zoloft?

"I liked the part where everything died."

*ahem* "Call me Ishmael..."

"I had tied an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time..."

"The Ark of the Covenant!"

"Let's go poke it with a stick!"

Well, that's your business and nobody else's, I'm sure.

Oh...my...God, he's the Jitterbug serial killer! RUN, THUMBELINA!!!

Hooray! o/...Ding dong the bird is dead...o/

Terminal Frenchness?

"Making statements of 140 characters or less online? Rubbish!"

"Can I have your iPhone?"

"I'm sure the meat will just fall right off the bone when we roast her..."

"Is that a salt shaker on your head?"

Whoops, hit a speed bump in the time stream...

"Wait, haven't we done this part already?"

"Very well. The word is 'Antistratfordianism'."

Are there no myopic girl moles in the area? He should try a dating site.

"What's the word? Oh right, horny."

Hating tedious "comic" misunderstandings like this one?

"-to-to-let me tap that."

What is it with that girl? She must give off serious pheromones or something.

"So could a reader for the blind; I don't see you wanting to marry one."

"I'll give you my lucky Sacajewea dollar!"

She'll do anything for a poker chip.

Don Bluth's The Matchmaker

Um...that's not his heart...

Not dead? Dammit!
Still, he's unconscious and can't sing or talk, so that counts for something...

Thumbelina knows it's Prince Spaghetti Night!

"Cold? I ordered him braised!"

"This is a G-rated movie, we can't die!"

"I've got an idea. Have you ever seen Weekend at Bernie's?

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Thumbelina, Part 5

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Why are we watching Ralph Bakshi's fever dreams?

Critics everywhere react to the world premiere of Thumbelina.

Now see, this is how I think small animals would react to seeing a pink, nearly hairless biped in their midst.

"She only has two legs!"
"Wait, we all have only two legs!"
"Damn this anatomically incorrect character design!"

"I'm peer pressure's bitch!"

And that was the beginning of Thumbelina's humiliation fetish.

"But the toads liked me!"

"Nauseating cuteness AWAY!"

Great, maybe Gargamel will step on them.

...Or they could be eaten by a toad. Eaten is good.

Wow, now I know why they call it a frog in your throat.

"What? I'm just setting up the next plot point..."

"I hated the White Album!"

He can't eat them because he'll go into insulin shock.

"That's just a myth! Myth!"
"Yeth?"

Whoa, mood swing.

"This sounds like a job for Mark David Champan..."

Hey, how'd she get her dress back?

"*sniff* My first encounter with mockery has completely devastated my self-esteem..."

"Come here, tell Aunty Clownface all about it..."

"But mostly I'm emo."

"If it was Ringo, he really shouldn't be throwing stones."

"'Hey Jude' is overrated!"

"I don't know, I haven't spoken to him in twenty-four whole hours..."

Momentary self-image crisis averted.

Remember kids, it doesn't matter what people think of you!....Unless they're pretty. Then you'd better believe it matters.

"Yeah, once I toke up a bit..."

"I promise, but not until just before the contrived deus ex machina resolution, okay?"

.oO(Thank God for internal genitalia; I can sport major wood without her ever noticing!)

If the main characters can't stay awake through this plot, what hope do the rest of us have?

Tiny noose buds!

Just what we needed--another cute anthropomorphic woodland creature!

Bugs Bunny and Wile E Coyote's stunt doubles rehearse their next routine.

Ever since Disney refused to release Song of the South on video, this is the only job they've been able to get.

"Kind of running for my life here, do you mind?"

"Why, do you need a date?"

"I tried, but Titania won't return my calls..."

The Spastic Mr. Fox

"Sorry, I don't speak Latin."

Come on, he's right there, EAT HIM!

And he gets thrown headlong into Sleeping Beauty!

"Good thing this is a G-rated movie, or that might have actually drawn blood."

Thank you, mon capitaine évident.

Oh, he's just pinching it between his wing feathers.

Whew, there was almost a plot obstacle there.

Wow, silent but deadly.

"Autumn! That explains the colorful leaves, colder temperatures and shorter days!"

"...Eh, bugger that, I'm flying to Bermuda like a normal swallow."

Try taking off your helmet; your voice might actually carry then.

Why does Thumbelina even want wings? Half the characters who have them can never use them properly...

Wow, apparently the fairies have access to the magic of Scotchgard.

"You are summoned before the Cuteness Council! Your bee is below the acceptable limit of adorability!"

Maybe they're not bugs at all. Maybe they're the fairies' inbred Appalachian cousins.

I see he decided to conduct an extensive search for her in Hawaii.

"Go on and say it, I've already heard all the jokes."

"Santa Fe. She has relatives there."

"But my bee doesn't have anti-lock brakes!"

"How many more exes does she have? Who do I look like, Scott Pilgrim?"

"Thank you, Exposition Bugs!"

"And we need to cover our tomato plants!"

Ah, another music critic.

"My evil mustache is better than yours!"

Gee, imagine that.

Why is the frog wearing disco pants?

"Bacon-flavored toothpaste! People will love it!"

Really, any scene that involves a representation of Gilbert Gottfried getting beaten up is okay by me.

Do we HAVE to?

Great, now it's Tosca.

"Or if not, there's always eHarmony..."

"I'll do it! I'll nap the trap and set up the prince!"

In fact, don't talk at all, could you do that?

Why are they in cahoots now? Were they just not annoying enough on their own?

Please, PLEASE don't let them do a reprise of that "Let Me Be Your Wings" song...

I agree. Can we file a complaint with the MPAA?

They're a Stooge or two shy of a comedy routine.

"I'll be he'll enjoy it, in fact."

"Don't move; if he spots us we'll have to be in more scenes!"

Smart bear; he's just sleeping through the movie.

"Look buddy, if you're not the Berenstains calling with my residuals check I'm not interested."

So his plan is to just harass various preoccupied animals until he comes up with some directions?

"Go 'way; I just had to chase a blonde kid out of my house..."

Winston the Pooh, Winnie's bigger, meaner cousin.

"I should eat him, but I'll only get indigestion."

"What is wrong with everyone? Why do they not want to be bothered by an aggressively fey French swallow?"

The leaves are fiber-optic!

From fall to winter in ten minutes? Must be Colorado.

"Auntie Em, Auntie Em!"

He's flying Puma-Man style!

Jack Frost is back--and this time, it's PERSONAL!

"Easy for you to say, I should be back at the hive keeping warm, not freezing my thorax off out here!"

Figures, give some people an all-wheel drive bee and they think they can ignore basic road safety.

Ooh, bad time to find out your helmet doesn't road test well.

.oO(Hey, what's that sword doing down here?)

And he died with a "Huh, what?" expression frozen on his face.

"No, my cruise souvenir!"

"Hey boss, are you familiar with Alferd Packer?"

.oO(That's it! We'll get a huge chunk of ice and bludgeon him with it--that'll shut him up!)

"You sure? Get him to sing a few bars of 'Purple Rain'!"

Maybe God just wanted you to stop yammering.

This is why you don't want to pay Gilbert Gottfried by the word.

That's it, take him to the nearest cliff and PUSH HIM OVER!

I wouldn't go in there; chances are there's a coatimundi voiced by Harvey Fierstein who thinks she's hot for some reason.

Our heroine--a girl who can't run ten yards without tripping over her own two feet!

Damn, is EVERYONE in this movie coated with Teflon?

Nah, the owner of that place has so many children she wouldn't know what to do with you.

Too bad the Weasleys are going to come by later and use her shelter for a Portkey.

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Thumbelina, Part 4

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They hung their clothes out to...oh, my head...

Ah, more cute abominations!

"Look closely, son, you're about to see natural selection at work."

Hey, the waterfall grew!

Wow, this rescue is trickier than ending combat maneuvers in Iraq.

Now really, is she worth this much effort?

So the bird can't fly her off the lilypad, but two bugs can tow the thing to shore. Okay, movie.

"Oh, thanks for the rescue, guys. I think I'm just going to take a nap now..."

That must be industrial-strength makeup he has on...

"Can we eat her?"

"Brilliant, kid. I don't know why your daddy says you're slow."

"But the adorability of the baby bug is giving me a headache..."

"Yeah, we were cut from the Wizard of Oz movie and wound up here. Kind of a bum deal, really."

Gaaah, where's a shoe or a wadded-up tissue when you need it?

"I'm sure my not actually being there won't be an inconvenience."

Oh, don't worry about her. The movie sure isn't.

She needs a Garmin.

Well, this is going to be a waste of their 24-hour life spans.

With "help" like this, I don't blame you.

"As much as I can love someone I had a four-minute Award Bait song with, anyway."

I'd use Google Maps myself.

"Wait, wait, this is a trick question right?"

Will someone get this woman a God-damned atlas already?

.oO(I'm screwed.)

Our heroine, kiddies. She gives up at the slightest inconvenience!

Gaaah, not again!

.oO(My God, do all the animals around here have annoying songs?)

"I'm walking, I'm walking, don't push me!"

The rare Maurice Chevalier bird!

o/...You'll get lots of rides for free, if you suck some dick!...o/

"That's it, Thumbelina, show some leg and you can hitch a ride home!"

"Ass, gas, or grass, give it up!"

o/...Get up, stand up, stand up for your rights!...o/

Okay, who gave the entire chorus helium?

They make the Lollipop Guild sound like Barry White, Keith David and Christopher Lee...

Someone give him a "sidateve," please?

"Math is hard!"

So I guess what he's saying is, if you're lost just guess a random direction and everything will turn out okay!

Is that their vibrato, or was this recorded on a truck bed going over ten miles of unpaved road?

This reminds me of the time I was stuck in the final room of "It's a Small World" for ten minutes...

So, all these birds and not one of them thinks to fly over to Thumbelina's mom and tell her she's all right. Okay then.

My heart's telling me to get far away from the creepy French birdies!

"It will only take me the rest of the movie!"

"Kind of stupid, though."

Meanwhile, in Rivendell...

Wonder what kind of property tax you have to pay on an orchid.

"--that you wanted to be a cabaret dancer!"

"That's the plot so far, yep."

"I'm just happy he's fallen in love with a girl. I was thinking...well, we are fairies and all..."

"Take a sweater, it's cold!"

"Call daddy's cell if you're going to be late!"

"He's going to be hopeless as a hero, I just know it."

"But didn't we just have the first day of fall? Why is it nearly winter already?"
"Don't ask me, I didn't write this crap."

Great, back to the really offensive stereotypes.

"Leave me alone, I'm being emo. Girls love it."

"Curse the courts for overturning Proposition 8!"

Why not, Christopher Walken does it all the time.

That's par for the course for their act.

This movie has way too many bizarrely dressed animals with stupid accents.

SURGE!!!

"I bally her"?

It's hard to be a credible villain when your theme music is a conga.

o/...Little town, it's a quiet village...o/

Wait, you mean she's been in her own backyard this whole time? Now I REALLY hate this movie!

Great, I was just thinking "You know, this movie has some skin-peelingly irritating characters, but to be TRULY annoying it needs Gilbert Gottfried."

What style is his outfit? Tudor-Victorian-Jazz age?

"A provider of supplemental insurance!"

"Even if you are missing a couple legs."

"Well, it's just that your voice is making my tympanic membrane bleed..."

"I will show you how we say goodbye in Persia..."

Don Bluth's Sexual Harassment in the Workplace

Well, he's got the first part down...

Eeeeew...

Well, when you consider what he has to compare it with...

This is an extremely weird version of Phantom of the Opera...

Oh, no recitatives, please...

"That's what everybody says when they climb trees, right?"

"That might make us end the movie early..."

"Oh I bet you will, baby. Nudge-nudge, know what I mean..."

This is the second time in as many days she's been abducted. That's gotta be a record.

He's taking her to Snake Mountain!

"Nobody's perfect."

"I thought we were the help!"
"Let's get useful help, then."

Wow, is anyone else suddenly hungry for a bunch of small swamp animals? Anyone?

"Mr. Elton John!"

Okay, who gave Michael Bennett LSD?

Hey, was this choreographed by Buzzby Berkley? Ha ha...just kill me quickly, please.

They're dancing on the Sampo!

SOMEONE forgot his dress whites...

Gaah, I'd rather be serenaded by a sick cat!

"And make a quick break for the exit!"

She makes Lady Gaga look subdued.

Must be hard dancing on polished quartz.

Hey watch it! You'll put someone's eye out with those shoulder pads!

That's not how you wear a bikini top.

So, who's the worst fashion victim in this scene?

Did the writers just say, "How can we make Gilbert Gottfried more annoying? I know, we'll have him sing!"

She looks like an encephalitic Marie Antoinette.

Whoa, bloomer shot!

As long as it keeps you too winded to sing, sure.

"Yeah, if you like non-corpsy skin tones..."

"And I was going to mate with you and bite your head off, too!"

"And I don't have any concept of figurative language, either!"

"Those are terrible undergarments!"

This is where she sets the auditorium on fire, right?

Are they laughing at her or having a group seizure?

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Thumbelina, Part 3

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"I'm talking nine hours straight, baby."

"Can't talk now, I need to set up our ridiculously contrived separation."

"Geez, I live in a honeycomb and I found that too sweet."

"Wait, I never gave him my e-mail address!"

Okay, who got their greasy fingers on the movie?

So, the prince comes and sees her, introduces her to mom and dad, everyone's thrilled, they get married and the movie's over, right?

He has a Thneed stuck under his nose!

Uh-oh, she's being kidnapped by the Amphibian Taliban!

Hans Christian Anderson's Buried

Yeah, four times the range of a human's ears my ass.

Does everyone in this movie have delayed reaction syndrome?

Oh, I'm so glad he's neutered.

So, I guess the name "Hero" is meant to be ironic...

"Well, I tried. I'm going to go eat my own filth..."

"Curse you, Mary Poppiiiiiiiiins!"

And now the dog can walk on water too, I guess.

Gaaah, put the veil back on!

"Would it help if we sang another unbearably shrill group number?"

"I should have got a cat instead."

You know, Mom's pretty well set up for a poor peasant woman; maybe she could just buy another kid like Angelina Jolie...

Flowers and jewelry I get, but why the Cadbury egg?

Must've taken him forever to get his hair stuffed in there.

"Damn, and I thought my college dorm was a dump!"

"This could only be the work of a very small Latina frog!"

"Just what I need to cheer me up, a snack!"

"Who's Timmy and how did he get into a well?"

"Yeah, um, there was nothing I could do about it, there were like fifty big hairy mutants coming after her..."

"Jay Leno?"

"I mean, you got your ass kicked by a friggin' toad, but you tried..."

"You've fail--er, helped enough already..."

"Yeah right, I'll do that because I'm fluent in human. Dumb-ass fairy."

She was kidnapped and taken to The Princess and the Frog. This can only be an improvement.

My Spanish is rusty...does that say "The Handsome Saps"?

"You may be wondering why I'm dressed like a cardinal..."

"I am the first of many vocal cameos by D-List celebrities!"

Does everyone in this story give their children humiliating names?

Well, she's not a mammal, so I've got to assume that's a wig and two cherries down her blouse...

You've got to hand it to Charo; it's not often that Hollywood Squares is an upward career move.

She must have her makeup gun set to "whore."

I suppose I just should be thankful they didn't make the frogs offensive French stereotypes...

"I don't see how she could mean that in ANYTHING but a literal sense!"

Does she have St. Vitus' Dance?

"We've had one whole date already!"

Mick Jagger's looking at that mouth and thinking "Daaaaaaamn"....

You see Thumbelina, when a fairy and a tiny airhead love each other very, very much...

o/...And the farm animals singing...o/

"I wish I had a pair of those."

"Well, I can sweep with a feather and dance with chickens..."

"No, but your accent does."

Actually, if you don't want to do housework, marrying into royalty is a pretty good way of going about that...

"I think I'm attracted to girls now..."

Yes girls, these are your only options: domestic slave or whore!

Don Bluth's Showgirls

Geez, Pinocchio wasn't this gullible!

o/...Hi-dee-hi-dee-hi-dee-hi...o/

The Amphibian Jonas Brothers

"No, if we sing fast enough nobody will realize how bad the lyrics are."

"Or maybe I could just file my nails."

Dirty old men of every species love their show!

Another sad example of Rule 34.

The cousins Kermit doesn't talk about.

o/...Bas-ic con-ga rhy-THM! Bas-ic con-ga rhy-THM!...o/

So, basically they want her to join a cruise ship show.

*arm snaps off*

o/...We're dark on Sundays and do Wednesday matinees...o/

See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Sing No Evil

"Okay, your gratuitous Latin number has won me over!"

"No thanks, you're wearing enough for both of us."

Is that a mustache, or a paint error?

I'm just waiting for that frog's ankles to snap.

"No, I'm serious, I think your heel ripped a tendon!"

Well, this song does make me want to travel...you know, as far away from it as humanly possible.

"We're not Equity, so we'll have to pay you under the table."

"Okay, I'll join your act, just no more choruses!"

Well, she'll fit the stereotype...

How do you expect her to dance when she stands like a toddler?

Oh, please do.

Still, it's better than Legends in Concert.

"We throw corn nibblets at you!"

"I'll feed her and water her every day!"

Oh, just tell her its normal for managers to take a 95% cut. She'll buy it.

"Don't let it go to your head; they were applauding that Miley kid last week."

"That's my favorite Genesis song!"

"But what about that whole song about staying single and avoiding a life of drudgery?"
"Ai, chica, you want-a the consistency, you work witha da mouse..."

"Padre? But I'm a Dodgers fan!"

"Even though I know even less about him than I know of you."

"I mean, I know I don't actually have a say in who I get to marry, but..."

"We're off to find a better movie to be in, see ya!"

Well, first you'd actually need to have an idea in your teeny tiny brain...

Oh great, him again.

Wow, he's wearing even more blush than the hootchie-mama toad...

"Since I'm completely useless without a man..."

"But it was taking forever for him to get aroused..."

"I did absolutely nothing to merit it, but thanks anyway."

So? Is this like Ella Enchanted and she has to do whatever anyone tells her to whether she wants to or not?

Yeah, and it just got worse...

"Could you stop talking like that?"

"I mean, it's not like you're a bird and could fly me off of this thing..."

Really? I'm going to go divide by zero!

And...you couldn't have just airlifted her off the lilypad WHY, exactly?

"It didn't actually help my situation any, but it was easy!"

Oh, with any luck they've escaped the movie while they could.

Oh yeah, knew there had to be one of those.

"Pfft, those are only Class II rapids."

[Nostalgia Chick] Get on. The fucking. Bird. [/Nostalgia Chick]

Wow, I think she found the only character in this movie dumber than she is.

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Thumbelina, Part 2

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"I want to go where the people go... Oops, wrong song!"

.oO(God I hope she shuts up soon. My ears are very sensitive to high pitches.)

It's Prince Smarming!

"I'm going to get that Asian massage one day!"

Honey, with that shrill voice bats can hear you.

Why is she holding her skirt like that? Is she trying to flash the dog?

"Brrr, sudden breeze!"

See, she has wings behind her, it's totally foreshadowing OMG...

Even the illustration is vaguely weirded out by her.

"Naaaah, that would be too unrealistic."

o/...When you wish upon a star...o/

And next up on our list of soundtrack cliches, please welcome the Eerie Disembodied Choir!

Crap, we're in Fern Gully.

"Die, nature, DIE! MWA-HAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Did someone put Fantasia in and hit the fast-forward button?

I think you're dragging a muffler...

It's Queen Phyllis Diller and King Billy Connolly!

"Dear, the baby fell out again."

"...But that bitch Puck is wearing the same outfit as you.'

"Ah well, he's only our sole heir, no big deal."

"I mean we're fairies, for Oberon's sake, it's not like we're very macho to begin with..."

She has too much nose and not enough chin.

"I know dear, but thank you for that lovely bit of exposition for the audience."

So, even in the fairy kingdom they have overprotective Jewish mothers?

"Oh my love, I do find your nagging oh so charming..."

"I'm one thousand and forty-five, what do YOU think?"

I think his mom's right, actually. You just know he's going to crash that thing into a windowpane one of these days.

"Shame about the rest of her."

Breaking and entering--always a good way to break the ice.

Lucky for him she's severely myopic.

Is the camera giving them some personal space?

"I hope nobody's actually listening to me right now, otherwise they might think I'm mentally disturbed!"

"Nice codpiece, too."

Hey, that was a library book!

"*gasp* That's the worst pick-up line I've ever heard!"

"Sure I just popped into your bedroom brandishing a weapon, but I'm harmless, really!"

"What about the dagger poking out under your doublet?"
"I'm not carrying a...oh, um...awkward..."

"Well, you snuck into my room, but you're cute so I guess it's okay..."

So, he's sixteen and she's what, two months old now?


Ewwwww...

o/...Nothing--your hair in the moonlight...o/

Wait, he stalks her, he sparkles...oh crap, it's Twilight!

"An illustration!"

"Well, technically I'm three millimeters taller than you..."

No, no, let the tiny fey prince with the knitting needle fight the goofy old dog. This should be fun.

"Thumbelina? What idiot gave you THAT name?"

He makes Prince Edward in Enchanted look butch.

"Okay, your very forced improv has convinced me..."

"Well, good thing the dog has the brains and attention span of a goldfish..."

But is it really worth pirouetting over?

"Oh my God, I thought I was the only one with a silly name in the whole world!"

"If you're a doofus, I mean."

This will never work out. She'll always be using his hair product, he'll be getting runs in her best tights...

"He's really modest, too."

"I'm sure he'd love to get up in your biz-naz..."

Wow, usually to see body language this hyperactive I have to watch the Bakshi Lord of the Rings.

"Bumbles bounce, you know."

"You're not allergic, are you? There was an...unfortunate accident with my last girlfriend...

Yeah, forget about the cute sparkly guy with wings who just broke into your house, here's a bee!

"No, I meant would you like to do a sit 'n spin?"

"I wish I had a helmet, too. I don't want my tiny brains to splatter on the pavement if you roll this thing."

Tiny upskirt shot!

Why, hello random nightmare creatures!

And her neck snaps like Isadora Duncan's.

I hope Aladdin and Jasmine fly by and sideswipe them.

Let's see, what other Disney movies can we steal from? Oh right, Beauty and the Beast!

Are they part Jesus bug?

Special cameo by the Ugly Duckling.

"Especially if you desire a threesome. That would be cool."

"Well, I gotta get back to The Swan Princess, catch you two lovebirds later!"

"Bought this place off of Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater. What do you think?"

.oO(Can you read my mind?)

I think she's getting high on the fairy dust.

Oh God, I just contracted type 2 diabetes.

Whuh?

Did the movie just hit a tesseract?

You know what? I don't believe in fairies.
*Cornelius seizes up and falls, taking Thumbelina with him*

"Um, oops."

Wow,even plummeting to her death she doesn't miss a cue.

"Could you take a teeny tiny breath mint?"

Oh great, he's a redneck fairy.

"Um, could we sit somewhere where there isn't a frog drooling on me?"

"On second thought, I'm not in the mood for an amphibian commedia dell'arte show. Let's go somewhere else."

.o(Dude, nice breasts!)

It's a Peg Bundy frog!

"You sick freak! She's a mammal!"

"So, wanna come up for a tiny nightcap?"

"Thumbelina, you're not wearing any underwear! You naughty minx!"

Yeah, it's called a plot device.

"Huh?...oh, yeah. Really, I'll call you, babe."

Whoa! Even for a fairy tale, these two are moving fast!

"...Well, hardly ever."

"We were just golding the leaves!"

"Let's just say I'm wanted for murder."

Just wait, it'll take a few moments for that info to reach her brain.

It's not her fault, her brain's still operating on dial-up.

"It's only a day away."

"But you said he was handsome!"

"My mom needs someone besides me to criticize!"

Yeesh, it's just meeting his folks; it's not like they're going to publish the banns or anything...

"I had Mexican for lunch!"

"They'll find your dimwittedness charming!"

"Unless you get kidnapped by a frog or something, but what are the odds of THAT happeneing?"

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