The King and I, Part 9

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"Um, my eyes are up HERE..."

Wait, when did he convert to Christianity?

"Not to you, though, since you're a stinking heathen polygamist..."

Well, that's par for the course for this movie.

Lemme check....yep, there in the corner, you can see the last little bit of her self-respect flying out the window.

"In my pants!"

"Shoo, you bother me."

"Like it? I had to evict the Banks family and their prissy nanny, but it was worth it..."

"You have adequately fulfilled my minimum expectations, you wonderful man!"

"What with the whole whipping servants to death and all..."

"Plus we still need to reference the iconic image of this musical."

"A queen, on the other hand..."

"Which reminds me, do you know where Sir Edward is?"

"Come on, we've got nothing left to do for the rest of the movie!"

"Do you have any beer barrels?"

Cover yourself, woman! Have you no shame?

No, no, not like that, you look like you're marking territory!

"That's right, pretend you're crushing the spirits of the oppressed masses!"

Please, please say goodnight and mean goodbye right now.

Is she hallucinating again?

o/...And wearing each other's underweeeear...o/

"I was thinking more unresolved sexual tension, but that doesn't scan with the lyrics."

Yes, you shall. Get on with it!

He dances like a six-year-old at a wedding.

Dancing With the Pacific Rim Monarchs

"To the dungeon!"

"We should have done this earlier in the movie!"

Okay, it's WAY too late to be building up romantic tension for these two...

"Ooooh, your scepter is so big..."

Okay, you just rotoscoped Yul Brynner and Deborah Kerr, admit it!

"Careful, don't slip on the Dutch tilt!"

Do you suppose they rent out this room for bar mitzvahs?

The camera's hoping to sneak away while they're distracted.

The King loved dancing so much, he had a disco ball installed in the royal pavilion!

And they all lived inaccurately ever after.

What are you waiting for, an invitation? Cut to black, already!

Couldn't you have got them a nice park bench, or one of those bricks at DisneyWorld?

I always wonder what these "special thanks" people did that was so special. Late night beer runs? Pet sitting? Sexual favors?

Oooh, bad use of the family fortune, Richie.

Bakalian? Isn't that that Middle Eastern dessert with the flaky layers?

The one part of this movie that did not completely suck balls, ladies and gentlemen.

Gary Barber of Fleet Street

Wait...is this Streisand? Haven't we suffered enough?

Completely Ripped Apart and Desecrated by
ARTHUR RANKIN

Oh great, TWO Babses. That's an extra level of Hell right there.

Guy Who Watched Everyone Else Do the Hard Work
JAMES D. KOFORD

Please, please, please don't put out a contract on us.

Well, at least they gave Richardson a voice double, which makes them smarter than Joel Schumacher.

Darrell Hammond now tops the Asian American Association's most wanted list.

o/...This is the Armi Arabe...o/

Mark's brother Mike got teased a lot in school.

At least half of the "Is forbidden!" lines were pure Brian Nissen.

Wow, a LOT of hard work went into dragging the score through the mud.

OR YOU COULD JUST GET THE ORIGINAL CAST RECORDING. THAT WOULD BE A BETTER PURCHASE. I MEAN BE FAIR, GERTRUDE LAWRENCE...

What's the point of putting pop single recordings at the end of kids' movies, anyway? Nobody ever listens to them; they're too busy hauling the little rugrats to the theater bathroom...

And whose idea was it to list every single friggin' song in the credits, anyway? You've already told us who wrote the music and the names of the people who sang it...

Oh, she's singing about John Madden.

"Character Design"? Don't you mean "Characters Copied from the 1956 Movie By"?

Heh heh, these guys, what a bunch of characters, the life of the party...

"Canuck Creations"? South Park was right, we should blame Canada!

Studio Clean-Up: SCRUFFY THE JANITOR

Now these guys, they don't put themselves forward much, they just kind of hang around...

Oddly enough. Young Kyu Rhim is the oldest member of his family.

I tried to call Hanho, but they kept disconnecting me.

And now, the Underpaid Korean Animators! Give them all a big round of applause!

And these are the guys who are kind of transitioning from job to job right now....

Let's see, I'll have the Yee Hyun Suk with Seo You Mi sauce...

o/...Sung Song blue, everybody knows one...o/

It's a nice day, why not take the kids to Mi Hee Park?

When in Kowloon, visit COLORLAND!

Mi Jung, Nam Hee, and...Susanna?

Poor Bijay couldn't understand why his new American friends kept teasing him...

Hey, underpaid Indian artists! Good to know all the outsourcing bases were covered on this film.

If they gave the last names of the Indian artists, the credits would be twice as long.

And now China? How many countries donated man-hours to this turkey turd?

Elektra Shock: "Surprise Dad, your daughter has the hots for you!"

Ajish and Kumar Went to Animation School

These are the Hindi equivalents of "Alan Smithee."

Finally, the crescendo of the music, that means the credits are almost over!

It's too costly to buy my film every day, I just bring mine from home.

Dancers? You're telling me the strippers for the wrap party get a production credit too?

Ah, Chris. I'm familiar with his airport.

Visit our website! Of course now, the address will just re-route you back to the Warner Brothers main page, but hey, you'll see the trailer for the new Harry Potter DVD, which si bound to be more entertaining than what you just witnessed...

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The King and I, Part 8

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Chekhov's Gun engaged!

Oh, that must be from one of Siam's many volcanoes...

Yeah, unless Joe Don Baker goes after you.

"I LOVE the old suspension bridge cliche!"

"If the bridge is stable enough for me, surely it will hold an elephant!"

Movie OSHA demanded those ropes be frayed and about to snap.

One of the King's lesser known innovations--the themed water park!

The famous Orange Crush River of Siam.

Wait, so they just put up a death trap in the middle of nowhere? What, were they expecting Indiana Jones to drop by one day?

"It's only a bunch of rotten planks and decayed rope held up by a couple elephants, what could go wrong?"

Heh, the old holographic plank trick. Gets 'em every time.

"Somehow I always knew this was how I'd die--drowning in Tang."

Okay, who is he talking to?

"We're coming! Try to tread lava!"

"I knew putting in the random elephant thingie would come in handy one day!"

Somehow, I doubt cat power is the wave of the future...

"Hey, this is actually kind of fun!"

How can he see all that through a telescope? Is it a mini version of Evil Dude's gong?

Next on Jackass...

Roger Ebert was right: good movies rarely contain a hot air balloon.

"Your shirtlessness is not yet awesome enough for this task, my son."

"I've got it! Stare at a gong, rub my temples and overact embarrassingly!"

"I am SO leaving a hairball next to his bed tomorrow..."

"Oh yeah, you Siamese minx, take it all...um, I mean, no sign of them!"

I think the ink and paint guy was a Broncos fan.

"Wow, look at all that Gatorade..."

The Shrine of the Vomiting Elephant!

Why didn't they get the monkey to do this?

"Damn your breasts are firm, girl, no wonder my son's into you..."

"Good. Now Rama will prepare for us a pleasant brunch..."

"Why didn't someone tell me he had one of those..those...things?"

Hey, that voids the warranty, you know!

Unfortunately.

"God dammit, the monkey survived!"

"Gotta go, gotta go, please don't let there be a line..."

"I'm pretending I'm still actively involved in this plot!"

"Wait, this isn't right! Let me check the map by the food court..."

Eh, not like you could get through it with those hoopskirts anyway.

"Oh, I love the Fourth of July! Makes me feel like a little kid again!"

"I can't stop, I've forgotten how itAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!"

Oh, the inanity!

"The impact will still shatter every bone in your body, but there you go..."

"Crap, I forgot the Prince used to be a cliff diver at Casa Bonita!"

"Eh, I hate getting wet anyway."

Shouldn't have tried to fly through "Fantasmic!"

"Now to write naughty words with my sparkler!"

Well, so much for the sinister, dignified villain.

"See, he was already on fire when I shot him..."

Tragedy strikes the Albuquerque International Balloon Fiesta.

"Is he okay? Is there any way I can be totally useless?"

THIS is why we're not allowed to have the parachute in gym class anymore.

*snort* "Five more minutes, mom..."

Simba he ain't.

"Well, on the plus side he won't make me pedal the balloon anymore..."

Can we just skip to the point where he wakes up? Cause come on, if you didn't keep the sex slaves or the drowned lover you sure as hell aren't keeping the original ending...

"Don't worry, dear, I'm sure Angelina Jolie would love to adopt you..."

Aaaaand...his eyes open....nnnnow!

Oh get on with it!

"Damn, I thought I was done with this movie!"

If you're the Rodgers and Hammerstein Organization, the time was seventy-five minutes ago.

"Thank goodness for the G rating!"

Unfortunately, the balloon had been taken over by Armus...

"What a stupid name. I should have never let your mother insist on it."

"First, order me a better pillow--this thing's KILLING my lower back!"

What, they didn't know he was heir to the throne?

"Oh, are we still doing that running gag? Sorry."

"Well, my regal robes would be made of satin, not cotton, not chintz."

"I will distribute e-readers to the community!"

"The press will still be strictly controlled by the government, of course...we don't want people getting too many ideas."

"Instead, everyone will hop on one leg while saying, 'Boingy-boingy, your majesty!"

Great, it's spreading.

"Good. You will be my army of the night."

"And I choose Neil Patrick Harris!"

"Hey, that's MY scarf!"

"Of course I'm angry! Get the belt."

"Someday you too will have a giant egg roll for a headrest."

"You fuckin' dropped me in the water! I still can't believe you did that! I could have drowned!"

"Oh, who cares, as long as I get my Fancy Feast."

Dancing With the Royal Family

"Preferably hot crab artichoke dip--it's my favorite!"

Well, what do you expect after generations of inbreeding, anyway?

"Okay, forget it, we're going back to the kowtowing. AND you have to kiss my feet when you do it."

Wait, wait...so if you play kissyface with the prince, you get whipped to death, but treason and attempted regicide just gets you assigned to elephant dung detail? That's not barbaric, that's just bad priorities.

"Lots of free fertilizer!"

Well, at least THIS gag's almost over...

And he dies a slow painful death of malnutrition and starvation. So there's an upside to all this.

Oh that's nice--kid's movies need more poop jokes.

"Dammit, why is the movie still running? We've run out of things to do!"

o/....And it isn't mine at all!...o/

"Seriously, what do I gotta DO to get under those voluminous skirts of yours, anyway?"

"Actually, it's a very common name where I come from."

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The King and I, Part 7

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Okay, you just stole Belle's dress and dyed it pink, didn't you?

"Shake what there mommas gave them?"

"Doing body shots, waking up in strange hotel rooms with three men, five women and a goat..."

"I hate that 'One Headlight' song!"

The ghost of David Tennant is asking her to dance!

None of the cute apparitions would ever dance with me...

Does the King see her hallucination, or does he just think she's lost it?

"Or shall we say 'goodbye' and mean 'I'll be back later to pick up my underwear'?"

Tommy Tune projects himself onto the astral plane.

So, You Think You Can Have Psychotic Episodes?: This fall on FOX!

Whoa, that's porn for Victorians!

Not since Mr. B Natural has there been a more tuneful mental breakdown!

"You're cute when you're crazy, you know that?"

"Not without a pole and some singles, anyway."

"The spare girls have to pair up."

Expecting a flood, Evil Dude?

"Oh, your shoulders are so strong...you work out, don't you?"

"Louis? Oh, right, the kid. I sold him to a sweatshop..."

"All these men running around, baring their calves so brazenly..."

"Really, Edward, you shouldn't believe everything Glenn Beck says..."

"Please ignore my badly synched lips."

"Then, the oral sex!"

A public official being bribed for his opinion? Well, I never!

"Oh, if only I weren't so British I'd assert my masculinity right now!"

"I mean it, if I see you leaping up on the buffet table it's the squirt bottle!"

o/...Aaaaaaaave Mariiiiiiaaaa...o/

Ah, Anna has introduced the Siamese court to the wonders of furniture.

Mrs. White and Mr. Green are slurping their soup further down the table.

"Mmm, dog brain stew..."

Oh, it's an improv banquet!

Heh, it's like the porridge scene in Beauty and the Beast, only offensive and reprehensible.

"Do you know what the largest land animal is?"

Yeah, so is Dracula, your point?

"It's nothing compared to my Kirk/Spock slash!"

"Also, my genitals longer and more fruitful than yours, so there."

"Kicking puppies, for example..."

Hey, don't knock it! You can bet an elephant cavalry storming through Richmond would have gotten Johnny Reb's attention but good.

I see Anna hasn't gotten around to the natural sciences part of her curriculum...

So the kings chose the animal with the largest, longest nose to represent them. Nothing Freudian about that at all...

"Except when the animator forgets to draw it in."

"Auntie Lawan made you that pendant, the least you could do is wear it when she comes over!"

"It was tax deductible!"

So, I guess this means no dessert?

"Please, I don't want to be in the movie anymore!"

"See how easily this chain broke? Cheap-ass jeweler stiffed me!"

"Everyone know I get first dibsies on the servants!"

"Fetch Devo at once!"

"I am horrified in my stuffy British way!"

"You were making such good progress with the spoon..."

"Um...line?"

IS GOLDEN!

o/...I ruled it myyyyyyyy waaaaaaaaay!...o/

His larynx must resemble ground chuck by now...

"I never said I didn't find the idea intriguing..."

And thus voyeurism was born.

o/...Down doobie-doo down down...o/

.oO(What was I thinking? Pink looks terrible with my complexion!)

Professor Xavier loses it.

"And we didn't keep the receipt!"

"Next time could you just give me chocolates?"

"I don't want them to miss the fireworks!"

"They'll never find us behind here!"

So nobody in this movie has any peripheral vision or basic spacial intelligence whatsoever...

"Sure! How hard can it be for a pampered teenager with no real world experience to make a living, anyway?"

"If we go to Cambodia, death with a fifty percent chance of pestilence coming out of the northwest at fifteen miles an hour..."

Three days later, they were eaten by tigers.

"Hey, kids. How's the hiding going?"

"I'm an annoying cute kid, I must be good for SOMETHING!"

"Yeah, do you want me to show you how that felt?"

Oh, they totally ripped that move off of Quasimodo.

"This way men, towards the John Williams trumpets!"

"Well, the velocity still snapped our necks, but thanks anyway..."

Please tell me Baloo and Bagheera will maul them.

A Mammy scarf? You were just trying to make him as offensive as possible, weren't you?

"And afterwords if they're good, I'll drive them to Dairy Queen for some Dilly Bars!"

"But I'm wearing my big boy pants!"

"Well, I'm going to be a figurehead ruler set up by the colonial oppressors, but it's a start..."

That's right, that's right, just keep walking over the horizon and out of the movie. Good.

Ah, they're escaping at a nice, leisurely pace...

Wow, REALLY good job on educating him, Anna.

"Come on, whistle harder, damn you!"

"We can't stop here, this is snake country!"

"This is great! I'm so glad I'm TiVo-ing this!"

"I don't know, the GPS is busted!"

This was before Aragog got his big break.

God, I hate it when people shout advice to the characters during a movie...

They need to make a little side trip to Kroger's, okay?

"Sorry, I'm a little difficult before my morning coffee..."

"I'll throw in some business about weapons of mass destruction just to be on the safe side..."

"It'll make a great story to sell to the broadsheets!"

"You know what I mean--not British."

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The King and I, Part 6

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"No really, I MEAN it this time, I'm really leaving, watch me go..."

"I don't think your 'extra credit' program is entirely orthodox..."

"Especially if you wear that thing with the tassels..."

"Everyone knows he prefers to play the necromancer class!"

Wait, wait...so Evil Dude's plan is to go from being a subordinate of the king of Siam to being a subordinate of the queen of England? Sounds like kind of a lateral move to me...

"Just an asshole."

"Except from Dr. Laura."

He's not going to start singing "Something Wonderful," is he? Cause I think that would finally break me...

"Princess Ying, we really need to work on your hide and seek skills."

"Be not alarmed, madam, on receiving this letter, by the apprehension of its containing any repetition of those sentiments..."

Oh, it's the Siamese version of The Miracle Worker.

"And give us some Rocky Road ice cream!"

Wow, the entire family needs remedial hide-and-seek...

Oh come on, she's not stupid enough to fall for the cutesy-wootsy act a second time, is she?

The closest thing in this movie to canon.

Well, I guess she really is that stupid. Color me surprised.

"Now go away, I'm teaching myself to read scribbles."

Wow, I can see why she's such a good educator.

That was just his great-grandfather's way of getting a blow job.

"Heh heh...humor him, he's crazy!"

"That's right, suck it bitch."

Groucho and Harpo did this routine much better.

Oh what next, are they going to install one of those police lineup backdrops?

"Fine, I'll take this hot stuff elsewhere."

THE END

...Or not.

It's always hard asking about someone's herpes testing.

"And Charlie Sheen got fired! Is so unfair!"

"Which is why I've invested in LoJack!"

"Well, that depends. Is it verified by Snopes?"

Hey Polonius, they can totally see you....

"Damn, my hands are cold!"

Villanova by 6?

"Did you hear that? It sounded like a laryngitic cat hiding behind the arras..."

"You will lose your head over your concubine's infidelity, then die for vaguely specified reasons!"

Good to know this whole learning about new cultures thing hasn't stopped her from being condescending towards people who don't speak her language.

"You're not going to make me wear a shirt, are you?"

"Excellent idea! Do you know if the British would prefer live scorpions or fried dog?"

"We're a patrol. It's what we do. Shirt-wearing freak..."

"Convert to Christianity and eradicate your rich and bountiful native culture!"

"They'll LOVE my baking soda volcano!"

As opposed to all those balls WITHOUT music and dancing, I guess.

"Thank you, your Royal Obviousness."

"After that my formal open-front vest has to go back to the rental place."

Is Tinkerbell flying by?

Bow-chicka bow-bow...

Hey, this is the opening to that Enigma song, right?

Beautiful prayer. Very heartfelt.

"Am I ripped or what?"

.oO(Well, at least they're not singing "Awesome God"...)

"Hey, this floor is a mess! When's the last time they cleaned in here, anyway?"

o/...And a frigid-ass bitch who won't let me tap that...o/

"Don't make me almost leave again!"

That tile's gotta be murder on his knees.

"--a new car!"

"Besides, I need my space. Bitch is cramping my style."

This would be a lot more meaningful if he didn't act so pissed off about it.

"I forgot to put on blush today!"

When does the liturgical dance start?

Daaaaamn, Anna got back!

"Look buddy, do you KNOW how hard it is to do this in a crinoline?"

Is this flirting, or abuse of power?

The supporting characters are quietly abandoning the film.

"Owww, Mastah Little have splinters in embarrassing place now..."

Even the foliage hates him!

Uh-oh, he pissed off Audrey II...

So first he lost a fight with a monkey, then a baby elephant, and now a plant. I'm guessing his next opponent will be pocket lint.

How did someone this low on the food chain get so fat?

"Help me, Santa Hanuman!"

Still, if there's one thing this movie does well, it's abuse fat Asian stereotypes.

Remember kids, it's okay to bully overweight ugly people, because they deserve it!

"Do you mind? I'm trying to make my look more obviously evil."

Okay, two words, sounds like...

"Can't you see what I'm trying to tell you, I love you!"

On the plus side, he's not talking.

Whoa, sudden ham attack!

He gave the pendant to Rose Tyler?

Ha-ha-ha...Hey, I know a fun game, it's called DIE IN A FIRE, YOU STUPID OFFENSIVE UNFUNNY SCRAPPY.

"I'll make my pad thai! They'll LOVE it!"

Oh please, like she's going to be so stupid as to wear the royal friggin' pendant while serving at a banquet where the King himself...

...What am I saying, of COURSE she's going to be that stupid.

"Midshipman, do you HAVE to play that song every time we pull into port?"

"Okay everybody, don't forget your boarding pass!"

"Like my jacket? I borrowed it from Harlequin."

"Thank you, your majesty, but I don't believe I can sustain a conversation on your virility for a significant amount of time..."

"Every animated heroine these days needs a cotton candy pink dress!"

"Oh shut up. This is the first time the entire movie you've had your shirt buttoned, you hypocrite!"

"If it weren't for the G rating, I'd do a motorboat!"

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The King and I, Part 5

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"Who am I kidding, I got this thing in a Cracker Jack box!"

"I thought we weren't into the whole killing elephants for ivory thing..."
"Shhhhut uuuuuuuup!"

"Just take it; if I keep it the animators will just forget to draw it in again."

"And I choose Kate Middleton!"

Okay, are you sure a few pages from Fiddler on the Roof didn't get mixed in with the script?

"When you're eighteen, you're out the door"?

"And for my animation to get back on model."

THANK YOU!

Oh, you mean your Excedrin headache?

Why does he have a tether-ball on a stick?

My thoughts exactly, Evil Dude.

Set up pratfall, and...

Pratfall AWAY!

"Yes, yes, it's coming to me...I'm getting October 8th, someone here lost someone or had something important happen on October 8th..."

Oh, here we go, the whole "we respected our elders and nobody locked their doors and politicians were HONEST, dammit!" speech.

"And I have the batch to prove it!"

o/...I'm actiiiiiing!...o/

"My sister banged Kirk, you know."

"Hand me my top hat, Rama!"

"Um, sir, do you need me to call a doctor, or..."

"Oh my God, it's the worst CGI I've ever seen!"

Just for comparison, this movie came out in the same year as Toy Story 2.

Yeah.

o/...Ah ah ah ah, stayin' alive, stayin' alive!...o/

Red light!

Green light!

Seriously, did he just not see that the statues were in a completely different place all of the sudden?

I think this is the CGI equivalent of Ralph Bakshi rotoscoping...

"Dude, what the fuck? Do you apes have NO peripheral vision whatsoever?"

I guess the stairs are just painted into the floor, then.

The Horror of Party Beach and I

o/-klahooma, where the wind comes sweeping down the plain!...o/

"Now is NOT the time for vocal warm-ups! I need help back here!"

They chose the finest animators DeVry Institute could provide!

And now he's doing tai chi? The HELL?

"You know what? You're on your own here, I'm out..."

SAFE!

.oO(Maybe if we give the statues a computer virus...)

Whoops, shouldn't have had the volume turned up so high.

I agree. What the FUCK was up with that scene?

.oO(That's it, first chance I get, I'm dropping a big smelly present into his favorite sandals.)

Really? Then why do you keep Dorky Buddha around?

"Moonshee, you're supposed to be sparring with the comic minion, now get back here!"

Okay, even allowing for the G rating, doesn't she have better things to do around the palace besides picking flowers?

"You know, your brain is considered a delicacy in this country, you disease-ridden pest..."

Is Louis going to fall in love with Prince Chumbawumba now?

"What, you're saying my threat to have anyone who defeats me executed is making them hold back?"

"Besides, you're wearing a shirt!"

"Come on, I want you to kick me and beat me and spank me like a naughty boy..."

*sigh* "I know, I know, to the chopping block."

"Oh all right, then I'll get my lucky hook to rip out your lucky entrails and hang them on the lucky gate posts!"

Hey, self-cleaning blood!

Is that really a good place to be leaving your plot device?

"Yeah, it was like, fifty big men, all at the same time. There was nothing I could do."

"Please, call me Chattanooga."

Good, now say it together, naturally.

"I can't, your lack of nipples disturbs me."

"Well, you lied to me, so I REALLY hate you now."

Yeah, I think you've mentioned that already.

"Look, there's nothing in the law that says we can't be fuckbuddies..."

o/...I have dreamed that your boobs are fiiiiiiirm...o/

"Prince singing to servant girl is forbidden too, you know."

"Nice try, but I can tell it's a vocal double."

"I just remembered, I have flowers to arrange. Buh-bye!"

"Come on, you can't possibly be saying no to THIS!"

"Okay, if I let you sex me, will you stop singing?"

Random over-dramatic gesticulating must run in his family.

.oO(I like vanilla.)

"Yeah, that's nice. SECURITY!!"

"Sorry, I just had to sing over here for some reason."

Singing Starlet Pose #5: Leaning Against A Rail

.oO(You know, I like vanilla too.)

o/...I have dreamed an incongruously Western wedding...o/

I heard a disgruntled animator drew a phallus in here somewhere...

I have dreamed about going to work naked and not being prepared for a test I'm supposed to take, but you don't here me waxing melodic about it.

So, is this that castle on a cloud Cosette was singing about?

Damn, the fairies from Thumbelina didn't throw this fruity of a wedding!

Huge clouds of smoke, and a giant poppy. You do the math.

Frankly, I think weddings are too ostentatious these days. It should be about the love, not the sparkle-throwing children flying on storks and the boats that metamorphose out of giant flowers!

Hey, she's a ventriloquist!

DUN DUN DUN!!!

--sharing hallucinatory romance with yoooooou...o/

I notice the whole "forbidden love" thing didn't keep them from singing a huge duet on top of a bridge in plain sight on the palace grounds...

Don't walk around a bush again; she could get lost for weeks...

"Um, thanks, but do you have something, you know, a little smaller, and less likely to get me strung up in a dungeon by my toenails?"

"It's only the most distinctive necklace in the entire kingdom; who's going to know?"

"Did you hear that? Sounded like an evil plot being hatched..."

"Also I saw the fat guy with the tooth fetish crashing through the bushes. He's kind of hard to miss."

"Two and a Half Men is canceled for the rest of the season."

"I knew I shoulda taken that left turn at Albuquerque..."

On the whole, not one of Danny deVito's more distinguished roles.

Oh sure, PETA protests the circus, but THIS is okay?

"Sorry, hemorrhoid--what were you saying?"

Subliminal Nikelodeon ad!

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The King and I, Part 4

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"Sorry ma'am, we only understand pidgin English..."

What are they, the Synchronized Reaction Squad?

"I'm just going to take the entire royal family on an outing with no guards without his permission. He couldn't possibly object to that!"

That sounds like an awkward song cue to me...

Told you.

"Watch out where the Huskies go, and don't you eat that yellow snow."

"Um, ma'am, I can't...you're not supposed to...the King said...ah, the Hell with it."

"--Fan dancing!"

"Now this, children, is what's known as a slum..."

"It's the royal family! Everybody look busy!"

"They must be the King's kids, they haven't got shit all over them."

Oh really, isn't tainting the memory of one classic film enough?

"Cool, there's pirates in there! And they're cutting a guy's ear off!"

Hey, a Petch and Jaidee show!

Ah, the drugs just kicked in.

Because no matter where you go in Asia, it's always Chinese New Year!

"Missus Anna, what is a 'full body massage'?"
"Can we get one?"

"Good thing I wore my hand tape today."

"Ha ha ha, good one!...No seriously, I'm going to have you beheaded now."

Who invited Dorky Buddha on this trip, anyway? I don't recall seeing a permission slip...

"Here you go, fugu for everyone!"

o/...Murder, murder, in the night air! Murder, murder, it's a right scare!...o/

Princess Apsara is severely myopic...

They're like Tom and Jerry...except I want them both to die in a thermonuclear explosion.

"Small House of Uncle Thomas" will not be seen in this adaptation. In its place, we give you "The Big Lipped Alligator Moment Dream Ballet!"

I didn't know they had rhythm gymnastics back then.

Look out, those W's are sharp!

Attack of the Crepe Paper, a SyFy Original Movie!

"Everybody wave to the oppressed masses!"

Do they just not see him, or are they just doing the smart thing and ignoring his presence entirely?

Meanwhile the King's got the entire guard looking for them, he's put a death warrant out on Missus Anna...

"Don't worry, children, the middle of a field full of water is the safest place to be in a thunderstorm..."

"But it's my only toy..."
"Who cares, gimme!"

"So long! Hope that destitution thing works out for you!"

"Gee, thanks. By the way, I got the blame for your little excursion and am being executed tomorrow. Just FYI."

Just push them open! They're just muslin flats...

Where's a bowl of poisoned dates when you need one?

Well, no wonder they need Anna's help, they're still trying to figure out this fire thing...

Baghera's less successful cousin.

"You were supposed to clean my litterbox three days ago!"

"Now go away, I'm fiddling with the Chekhov's Gun here..."

Ewww, it's turning into a slashfic!

"I mean I want to lick your gorgeously sculpted pecs! Oh, that came out wrong..."

"--to a meido cafe!"

"And how did my amulet suddenly get here, anyway?"

Oh come on, if you're going to be that obviously evil at least do us the favor of growing a mustache to twirl...

Next she's going to make play-suits for them from the curtains in her room...

"Who-where-when?"

"See, hairy palms! Didn't I warn you?"

So what, there's no mustard inside the palace walls?

"The last thing the royal family needs to know about are its subjects!"

"And there are open sewers and malnutrition and forced prostitution too! It's really neat!"

So he promised her a tool shed. Big deal.

Like that makes him any worse than most democratically elected leaders.

"I'm the lower class woman you hired to live in your home and take care of your children...wait, I guess that does make me your servant. My bad."

"You will obey my pectorals!"

"This is awesome! Somebody grab some popcorn!"

"Which is why I'm going back home, to one of the oldest monarchies in existence!"

"--Because I've completely forgotten my line!"

"Do you mind, Evil Dude? I'm trying to fume right now..."

"Did I mention he's barbaric? Because he is. Barbaric, you know. There's just no other word for it. Barbaric, barbaric, barbaric."

Jesus, this woman quits more often than Brett Farve!

"And I'll wager there's at least eight inches of king down there..."

"Oh, I'm sure I could take it no matter how large it is, Your Majesty..."

"That's not what I heard, sunshine."

"I THOUGHT I made myself clear in the throne room!"

"Thank you sir, may I have another?"

Well, no wonder she's mad. He's making her stay in the palace lobby!

"Though I would be open to experimenting on those lines..."

"What am I saying? I'm a Victorian woman, I'm about as free and independent as a lap dog..."

No, no, it's a red hat with a purple dress; they'll never let you into the society with that outfit...

"You hear that, light wrap?"

Hey, that's no way to treat your clothes!

"Like the fact that you never wear a shirt..."

Well, if your clothes can fold themselves it's no wonder you just toss them anywhere...

So...she wants to flash the King? I don't get it!

Yeah, if there's one thing the British hate, it's royalty.

That's because the cat would give you that "bitch, please" look they do and go back to licking its genitalia.

Why, are you planning a production of The Wind in the Willows?

That's not easy to do in petticoats. Try it sometime!

Maybe she's trying to get a Section 8 out of her job...

Rodgers and Hammerstein's Secretary

You know, she could do this sort of thing on the Internet and make a bundle...

"Do you have a cigarette?"

"Are you aware the schoolteacher is indulging in bizarre humiliation fantasies in the front lobby?"

Do the men in this family have a genetic predisposition against shirts?

"Sorry, I meant, 'what-what-what?'"

"--prevent your son from dressing in feathered gowns and taking the name of Lady Coco Carriba?"

"Um, okay. But the other thirty-eight wives I can choose myself, right?"
"Of course! I'm a liberal man."

"Father, can we please speak Siamese when we're alone instead of this broken English?"

"I know you're not too old for a spanking, now git!"

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The King and I, Part 3

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You can tell they're meant to be; they look so awkward together...

.oO(Please Buddha let her stop singing...)

Hey, some things to throw at the producers!

Ewww, I need an adult!

Yeah, yeah, Dorky Buddha tries to hurt the kid but in backfires, he knocks more of his teeth out, blah blah blah, can't we just skip this part and say we did it?

*neck snaps*

Language!

Well, normally they wouldn't keep them loaded and unused for long periods of...oh, who cares, as long as you shoot the Ethnic Scrappy.

Um, you have a Scrabble tile stuck on your lip...

Oh, it's a copy of this movie.

What's the Siamese equivalent of the "wah-wah-waaaaah" trombone?

Suddenly I long for the quiet dignity of Adam Sandler.

"Get out of this movie now while you still can!"

Not the most well-known or beloved Sesame Street segment, to be sure...

"Well, there was that one time in Whitechapel..."

I KNEW he was evil!

The movie's just flailing at this point.

I don't suppose there's any chance all three of these characters will die in firey explosion, is there?

I C WHUT U DID THAR

Finally, they gave the slapstick act the gong!

"Good, now fetch my slippers."
"Don't fuckin' push it."

He's holding court in the Rockefeller Center lobby!

"Right next to my throw pillow!"

"It's not like I'm going to be won over by your unspeakably adorable brood..."

"Cue the soundtrack!"

*bites hand off*

.oO(Laughing? He's never done THAT before!)

"Observe my head pincushion!"

Do the Siamese just not turn around, ever?

.oO(The bastard just flipped me off!)

No. I'm not saying it. Too obvious.

Okay, time out--this movie has too many cute animal companions. You have to get rid of the monkey, the elephant, or Dorky Buddha.

A nervous cat and bare arms. Bad combination.

Let's see, King Mongkut had 82 children, so this scene will be over in, oh, another ten years or so...

I CAN HAZ BETTUR MOOVEE?

What? Chew-a-longhorn?

Dude, just walk! This number is long enough as it is.

"Ow, my knees!"

.oO(Oh, I can think of things I'd like to teach him...)

Mary Kay Letourneau and the King of Siam

"Big deal, he can't even wear a shirt properly..."

A young Oscar Wilde at a formative moment in his life.

"Lick my shoes!"

"Sorry, but Dad said if I appeared starved for attention and love it you would empathize with me..."

"Is this going to take much longer? I was going to hit the go-go bars tonight..."

Does anyone know what gender these kids are? Anyone?

"But Daddy...."
"You know the rules! I get first dibsies!"

Now is not the time for Heads-Up Seven-Up!

Ooh, excellent delivery, the sweepers should have no trouble getting her into a good position for the hammer...

"Too much cute...brain shutting down..."

"Well, you're all very sweet, but your dad's still a bald bastard. G'bye now!"


THE END

"You're lucky the inbreeding doesn't show..."

"You will all receive cookies, as promised."

"Sweet, fresh blood! Get the initiation paddle!"

"The king has so many, he won't mind if I eat a little one..."

"Ew, she got snot on my skirt!"

"Address it to my wife. Say I won't be coming home..."

"Of course I can't, I'm the goofy comic minion!"

He must have had that concealed in his back fat.

"Do you have Prince Albert in a can?"

Oh, don't you two start!

Okay, stop me if you've heard this one: why is an elephant like a writing desk?

Ah, so his secret ambition is to go into the piano industry!

"Little bastard can't even fly."

Whoa, sudden onset laryngitis!

What, were there no puppies for these guys to drown? Fresh out of kitten stew?

Nope, not convinced. Maybe you should have him drop kick a baby, that might make him look evil enough...

"And don't eat the envelope this time!"

"I'm going to tap dance!"

"RICKYYYYYYYY!!"

o/...Here's the only British song we knooow...o/

"So, did I tell you all about being a modern major-general yet?"

"I say, but we are very British, aren't we? Cherioo, pip-pip, and wot!"

"Don't ask me how it was delivered to a boat out on the ocean..."

No really, movie, I don't mind if you take your time with the plot. You just go right on ahead with your random comic bit.

These guys helped establish a globe-spanning empire?

"Dear Sir Edward, your hair looks ridiculous..."

"I want a rentboy and I want one now!"

"Well, it's a military ship under orders from Queen Victoria herself, but I'm sure she won't mind us starting a little bitty war without her go-ahead..."

Hey, and FTD Pick-Me-Up!

"So dish--is Prince Chunky-Monkey a good kisser?"

"It's not a ground-breaking denouncement of the evils of slavery penned by a woman, but it'll do..."

"I'm free to ignore local laws and customs any time I like!"

o/...Bangkok bridge is falling down...o/

"Ow, my appendix just ruptured!"

"We're going to visit the box factory!"

Ooooh, geography envy.

"Of course, we do control huge chunks of land on this and several other continents, so yeah, we pretty much pwn your asses."

"Sit down, Chewy Louie, before I smack you with a ruler. Unless, you know, you're into that sort of thing..."

Dude, the king was a Buddhist monk; wouldn't he know keeping his kids in the dark like this would backfire in the long run?

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The King and I, Part 2

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The Official Asian Stereotype Parade, ladies and gentlemen!

Another victim of the subprime loan market.

"And be honest--do you think I'm coming off a bit creepy?"

"I have no intention of being pampered in royal luxury when I can go home to a nice dingy flat above a fish shop!"

So, will she tell the king this?

"I'm still waiting for the moving truck to come with my furniture, okay?"

Why are the guards wearing adult diapers?

"The fruit basket that guy's wearing on his head."

"Where do they think we are, America?"

Carmen Miranda's less successful brother, Larry.

"Go on, tell him about the ping pong ball trick..."

"Sweet! Have her read King Bidgood's in the Bathtub!"

He's not a Sunni Muslim, more of a Still-Life Muslim...

"Thanks, that's just what I wanted, my own young, nubile florist. Fuckin' Bowdlerized script..."

Can we have ONE scene without the monkey or Dorky Buddha doing something stupid, please?

Lunch at the palace cafeteria will be fruit cocktail and monkey's brains...

He's your pet, you discipline him! Come on kid, I want to see you spank your monkey!

Me too. That monkey line came out wrong.

Oh, you got that out of a fortune cookie!

"Why don't I have a cute animal companion? My kid gets a monkey, you get a panther...even oily Mohawk guy gets an iguana!"

"You will show me all about these things you English call Monty Python and the Beatles!"

It's a little known fact that Rodgers and Hammerstein started the steampunk craze.

"Oh wait, this is a waffle iron, never mind."

"I also have this great Zutara fanfic you should read..."

"Are there any other long royal things you can show me?"

"Now I will show you how engine of steam will help Marty get back to future..."

"You mean, you DON'T use your explosives to kill people? What kind of backwater is this?"

Oh, quit bragging. You filched all this stuff from Archimedes' storehouse and you know it.

Stop that monkey! He's going to break the third act plot device!

This can happen with trisomy-21, I understand.

"Good, now that the stupid comic relief characters are out of the way..."

Damn, even Siam is ahead of the Texas Board of Education.

"In about a hundred and fifteen years, that is."

"1712, wait, so that makes this, ummm, carry the one..."

"Look, my son is...well, let's just say I don't have high hopes for grandkids..."

PLEASE tell me I just imagined the king giving a low-five to his panther...

Who are you, Alex Trebek?

"I have the closing papers right here..."

"Lines of coke and rubbing off to tranny porn, why?"

"It's what we Westerners call a 'catch phrase'."

"Look, we're having some troubles with the inspection..."

"Please, be careful with my Precious Moments figurines!"

"Well, you sound British, so I'm sure I can trust you..."

"Just in time for your next tedious comic scene!"

"Look, just go do a slapstick scene with the kid and the monkey, okay?"

To every Asian everywhere, we apologize for this.

The CGI Gardens of Thailand!

Uh-oh, sounds like the characters are already starting to crack from the stress of being in this movie.

"You want flowers? I'll arrange you some stinkin' flowers...here's some foxglove, and some nightshade, and poison oak..."

o/...When will my reflection show who I am insiiiiiiiide?....o/

"I've been here for the past three hours. Actually, I thought you'd have noticed me before now..."

"And even though this is the 19th century and hunting big game is commonplace, I know it's wrong!"

"Gee, thanks. I'll call you Fredomina, how do you like that?"

Bruce Lee: The Animated Series!

Is this kickboxing or a Cirque du Soleil routine?

"Ha, psyche!" *elbow drops him*

"That's not a good place for your trunk..."

"So, I guess this means you can do that thing with your tongue...?"

"They won't allow me at the family picnic next year!"

"Thanks, that narrows it down to the entire damn country..."

"Great, now we can put on our own production of Gone With the Wind!"

"I think I'm Lady Thiang, but they pretty much did away with my character's entire part in the story so it's hard to tell..."

"And I'm a little obsessive-compulsive, so I get nervous when people rearrange my things..."

"They want to, how you say, munch your rug..."

Victorian upskirt!

"I was going to burn that..."

"I'm not sure, I spent the whole time thinking of England like they told us to..."

They live in an Asian Hobbit hole.

o/...Traditioooo--oh wait, wrong musical.

"Yeah right, let me hear you say that when your king abdicates to marry an American divorcee..."

This isn't really the right song for kung fu fighting; they need something more in the Johnathan Larson mold...

Wow, it didn't take tradition-lady long to be won over...

Two three, KICK!

"Yeah, I am pretty macho, aren't I?"

"No, your wedding tackle!"

"A mummy!...Oh wait, that's your hand."

"Are you going to be at this long? Dinner's almost ready..."

"Wait, where am I? I'M GONNA DIIIIIIIE!!!"

I see some stupid, stupid rulers in Siam's future as a result of these two.

"No really, we have to go down now, the curry just doesn't taste the same when it's cold..."

Can do.

Her husband is Bruce Ismay!

They have so much in common. A complete lack of nipples, for example.

*beep, beep, beep*

She looks like she should be ringing a Salvation Army bell.

The King and I now concludes its broadcast day.

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