Girls Beware

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It's Sid Davis and His Swingin' Band!

Boys are icky!

I know what you're thinking, men, but don't get your hopes up: there's no evil lesbians seducing innocent young girls in this film. Sorry.

Part of Inglewood City in the county of Ingle--look, will you just make with the scare tactics, already?

Norma Neufner, Policewoman! This fall on USA!

She doesn't get a badge or uniform or anything; those are for the real cops.

Since this is the 1950s, my duties are limited to answering the phone, getting coffee, and being available for quickies at the department Christmas party.

"We'll get to your daughter in a second, but first: how many tickets will you be purchasing for the Policeman's Ball this year?"

"My business card collection is now complete!"

Maybe she should socialize with people other than her parents.

Her ad read: Young, gullible teen available for rape and possible murder and body dump. References available on request.

She's dressed like an Italian restaurant!

Patty Duke in The Lovely Bones!

"Let's see...yes, I do believe I'd be able to fit in a crawl space that size..."

The vibraphone really heightens the sense of impending danger in this scene.

Hey, that's the same bowtie-wearing serial killer from "Boys Beware"! Dude sure gets around!

Dear Mom, getting dismembered, Suzie can have my radio and best sweater. Love, Judy.

That's a lovely mothball bracelet she has on.

The darker and edgier sequel to "Dial Comes to Town."

NO ONE will be seated during the thrilling phone dialing scene!

"Ahoy-hoy?"

"Wait, let me check--honey, what's the name of the girl on the sacrificial altar?"

"It's been three weeks; I'm starting to think something might be wrong..."

"Either this phone is dead or my watch has stopped."

Wow, that is the Mount Kilimanjaro of widow's peaks she's got right there.

"Okay, back to my article on Mamie Eisenhower..."

ARE YOU MY MUMMY ARE YOU MY MUMMY ARE YOU MY MUMMY ARE YOU MY MUMMY ARE YOU MY MUMMY ARE YOU MY MUMMY ARE YOU MY MUMMY

So she was found in a CSI opening scene?

I can never decide what dress to wear...

"Your daughter is no more! She has ceased to be! She has expired and gone to meet her maker! She's a stiff! Bereft of life, she rests in peace. If we hadn't found her abandoned by the highway, she'd be pushing up the daisies!"

"I'm very sorry, but this is why God doesn't want women working outside the home..."

"It's all my fault! I let her take that Red Cross babysitting course!"

I don't think anyone under the age of fifty who wears their hair like that is capable of good judgment.

"Candygram."

"Can I borrow a cup of rape?"

"Well, I'm sure you're a nice person and all, but you look a little too ethnic to be trusted..."

"Yes, Suzie Jenkins down the street would be dumb enough to fall for this trick--and you didn't hear it from me, but chances are the tramp won't scream too much when you mount her..."

"Crap, those robots in the front row are back..."

They look so bored and joyless; must be watching a Tim Allen movie.

They're both lost in their own private Tab Hunter fantasies.

Back before cell phones, jerks were forced to annoy fellow moviegoers by speaking directly to them.

Especially when all of you get tossed out for disruptive conduct.

"Hey, down in front!"
"Find sexual assault victims on your own time!"

"Why sure, I love tossed salad! I believe eating greens is very important..."

That popcorn cost them seven bucks.

"Come on, Liz, I want to meet this guy Sanchez he keeps talking about!"

Hayley Mills will just have to get violated another day.

"We'd better go inside, there's only five more trailers before the feature starts..."

"What happened to Janet Leigh? I stepped out for a bit..."

"I'm sure we can share a victim, right Bobby?"

"Go on, lie and endanger me! If you're my best friend you'll do it!"

They hired a movie theater full of extras, and dammit EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM is getting camera time!

"Great! Now we can go to that place where they pack fudge!"

The poor girl didn't head the Rock Guitar of Doom on the soundtrack.

Well, you know what they say about men and directions...

The Plan Nine From Outer Space dirt road is a major makeout spot in these parts.

"I don't understand, how are we going to get a sandwich all the way out here?"

No, not kissing! I bet they use tongue and everything!

Why do the parents always wait until midnight exactly to call the cops? Is there tax reasons?

Good thing she sleeps with the phone beside her.

It's the 1950s version of Spring Awakening.

"Now of course your harlot daughter will have to be stoned to death; we can arrange a nice private ceremony if you like..."

Oooh, they have fish-shrimp! Maybe they have some chicken-pork as well!

This Good Times off of I-70.

So...he was going to college?

So he stalked Reese Whitherspoon.

1970s hair of the 1950s!

"Thanks--put it on my tab."

"You a spitter or swallower, Mary?"

But not movie stars in cars. That would be too much for a first date.

"Great! I'll go get my Edsel..."

This could be the beginning of a beautiful domestic abuse.

"What do you think of my house?"

The music is mocking her impending assault.

"And over there is where I hid the body of my last girlfriend--but enough about me..."

o/...No one's quick as Bob, no one's slick as Bob...o/

--or any boy, for that matter.

"Bye! I'll let you know if I find my hymen!"

"And we're going to register at Macy's, and you should see the china pattern I've picked out..."

"Go get me a malt, woman!"

Wow, a guy who turned down a threesome? There's something you don't see everyday.

Date Rape Alley is busy on Fridays.

"Come on, I want to ride the see-saw!"

Does his passenger door just not work?

But since we're still under the Hays Code, we can't tell you any more about that...

How demanding can he be? They're in a public park! There's a big family reunion going on just offscreen!

"Tum-te-tum, nothing to see here kids..."

"I left my keys in Bob's car."

So it was against the law to get knocked up in the 1950s? They were stricter than I thought!

George Putnam uses the opportunity to promote his "Perversion for Profit" seminar.

So, basically rapists are motivated by low self-esteem.

"Don't worry, Mary, we'll send you to live with your aunt for a few months, and then you'll have a beautiful baby sibling and we'll never speak of this again."

And remember, nobody buys the cow when they can get the milk for free. Good night.

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The Story of Menstruation

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Um, the film's in upside-down...

Sessions Presents: Classic Lullabyes

You bleed, your back aches, you do it again in a month. Next?

I hear Alan Menken wrote a great ballad for Tammy the Tampon in this.

Because she's one baaaad--
Shut yo' mouth!

--she'll send you to bed without dessert if you don't eat your vegetables.

Remember, girls should be seen and not heard.

--defecate, scream at all hours of the night--

Speak for yourself; I had mine on a tight schedule.

GAAAAH IT'S STARING INTO MY SOUL!!!

And an unforgettable weekend in Vegas.

Number fifteen: The thing that controls the naughty bits.

For those of you that need a little extra help, there's steroids.

"Hey, femur! Quit slacking off and make with the lengthening already! You too, tibalis anterior!"

--to iPods, to micro-butterlies...

--as a proper woman should.

Roman Polanski is smiling somewhere.

But all girls feel a crippling insecurity about their bodies.

.oO(Stupid Disney Princesses won't let me in their club...)

So it sends tiny chevrons into the bloodstream...

Was it illegal to say "estrogen" in the 1940s?

My Menstruation Barbie!

And like almonds, they can be roasted and served with chocolate.

You will receive the passcode to your ovaries at the conclusion of this seminar.

Except this one; it's a dud.

Ceci n'est pas une fallopian tube.

The uterus, right next door to Uranus.

Personal health films always manage to make your sexual organs sound as boring as possible. I'm sure this is intentional.

The whole thing looks kind of like a head-on view of an elephant.

But that's another film entirely.

The Ring Cycle!

You'd think Disney would have put in a talking rabbit or two here.

"And two hard-boiled eggs." *beep beep* "Make that three hard boiled eggs."

"You heard me, get cracking on those times tables!"

And delicious custard!

The uterus has its own upholstery?

Wow, it's a miracle anybody ever gets born with all this prep work involved.

Number twenty: The interior of the naughty bits.

It uses Mapquest to get directions.

Let's go to flow chart for this section...

...And never you mind how THAT happens, little missy!

Or it will just pass on through anyway, or get stuck in the fallopian tube, or...

That's right, you all started life feasting on your mother's blood. Sleep well!

We figure if we keep you in the dark about this whole "fertilization" thing, you'll never be curious about it, ever.

You have failed your duties as a female. FAILED!

If your period looks like vanilla pudding, you should see a doctor.

Or, colloquially, 'being on the God damn rag.'

Like labor pains, or dying.

Tell your ovaries to quit staring at me!

--fifteen minutes.

That part of the narration was borrowed from the boy's film.

Where's the lucky bitch who only has a three-day period? I want to smack her face.

But they're not.

That's right, it's your pituitary's fault you're fat.

"Help, I think they're planning to eat me!"

So take a daily laxative.

Walt Disney's Watchmen

I don't particularly like the Nancy Drew Sundial.

Wake me when it's half-past October, will ya?

And remember, your biological clock is ticking so you need to find yourself a husband, now!

Only commies allow themselves to get sick or unhappy.

--then it's time for a nine-month stay with your aunt in the country.

Oh, of course.

Since you have absolutely no social life, this should be very easy.

This must be rhythm method-only education.

--Our Bodies, Ourselves.

Love Always, Your Period.

Including instructions and diagrams for the more difficult positions.

However, it will inform you that if you touch yourself, you'll go blind and baby Jesus will cry.

--you filthy whore!

*Psycho violins*

No, mine are unionized.

Make sure the water is set exactly at 72.8 degrees Fahrenheit.

Lead a dull, unfulfilling life.

--Well, it makes a great excuse.

Is it really wise to reenact the ending of City of Angels at any time?

"Oh no, my neck vertebrae are pulverized!"

You are, after all, just a girl.

This was the only work Supergirl could get in the 1940s.

*falls over laughing*

A feeling of pressure=the sensation that your lower spine is being squeezed in a vice

This may be more severe for girls with encephalitis.

"No way, I'm gonna become a crazy cat lady and you can't stop me!"

Says who?

--Bloody Mary will come through the mirror and kill you.

This was an orientation film in Stepford, wasn't it?

But what if I normally have regular contact with Levites?

Stop that at once, you hussy!

Mr. and Mrs. Bobblehead

Along with a demonstration of the basic ballet positions.

Betty Boop Aerobics!

You'll never catch a man looking like that!

Walt Disney's "Posture Pals"

Atten-SHUN!

Missionary?

And we're back to the laxatives.

Rectum? I hardly know him! *rimshot*

Number thirty: the things flanking the naughty bits.

So will carrying around ten pounds of fetus and fluid--deal with it.

I hate my body; it's so high-maintenance.

And lots of good American beef and butter.

--are any of you still paying attention or are you drawing naughty pictures in the booklet?

But not too smart; men don't like that.

She's dusting herself with corn meal!

The Teletubby sun didn't age well.

"Hmm, 'The Position of Indrani'...that looks interesting..."

You'd think being sponsored by Kotex, they would have brought up maxi pads at least once.

It's just irritating and painful.

Some of us still haven't taken off our training wheels.

"Mommy shakes my little brother like this."

She forgot the groom!

ROAR!

.oO(I'll wait until she's busy with something else, then make with the screaming!)

Geez, what a backhanded compliment.

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Sex Education For Girls, part 1

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This is the strangest dinner menu I've ever seen!

Miss, can I substitute Multichrome Lab in place of french fries, please?

"Condiments?" I'll be damned, it *IS* a menu!

"Would sir like to take a look at our wine credits?"

"I could see her NEENER and everything!"

"She'll be needing to strap 'em down with Ace bandages soon if you know what I mean."

ANY SCHOOL U.S.A.!

"You're not Traci Lords, Molly. You need to ease into that stuff gradually."

"Get in the stirrups, Molly."

"Breath like a zombie, though."

.oO I'll return the double-headed dildo to her myself later on......

(writing) "Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much...."

"I love Molly and her family. And tonight, when you hit your knees, please ask God to love them too."

ANY AMITYVILLE HORROR HOUSE U.S.A.!

"You see, Jeannie's room is where all the porn is...."

So Molly thought that the "Miss Gulch all whored up" look was popular?

*stuffs down her bra*

"Maybe tonight after 'According to J--WTF DID YOU JUST SAY?!??"

"Those are Metric months though, Molly."

"Yes mother. I came home from school."

"Chicken-butt."

"Hold on a second." (lays copious amounts of paper towels on Molly's chair) "Okay, NOW sit down."

"...and at first I thought i was in a Dario Argento movie, then I remembered I haven't been in one since last month, so...."

.oO The girl has begun the bleeding. It's time to offer her to The Dark One.

"Think of it like Sweeps Week for your neener."

"Plus it'll give you a perfect Posture P#ssy."

"Why yes dear, that'll be a PERFECT way to celebrate your period!"

"Plus the elves in your stomach could go into hyperthermic shock."

"... yup, Mark of the Thorn. Michael Myers should be showing up any second now."

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