Duck and Cover

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And to the sound of the Dumb Dumb song, we welcome you to a classic piece of WTF.

The Allegory of Bertrand Russell

Clearly.

Wh-? Where did-?!
Oh god, the monkey was a suicide bomber!

♫ He didn't speak unless spoken to...

"FOR THE CAUSE -!"

*bits of dead monkey begin to fall*

"Plod along mindlessly, and withdraw within yourself when there's unrest."

*instinctively mashes the Top Menu button*

"...any unathorized rebroadcast, retransmission, or relocation without the express written consent of the Civil Defense Administration is prohibited."

I think Bert's pretty much "out" already.

"You're a puss."

Scenes from "Burt the Turtle Fights VD"

Emotionally?

Sometimes monkeys just blow themselves up.

"Under my hairpiece, children."

But do we understand its needs?

"Such as school desegregation."

Alert the FBI if you see anyone talking to unknown fires in your neighborhood.

Hitler!

"If you ever need to drill a fire."

"Herbie: Fully Loaded" should be avoided at all costs.

"Our ragamuffins shall protect us from the cars."

Or risk suburban ostracism.

Pre-Tweens

Chances are you won't.

If you're not lucky enough to be vaporized instantly.

Or will again.

Miss Rumphius: Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb

"Burn your shadow into the pavement..."

"It can menace people near drugstores, and smoke marijuana."

Please. Bert is boiled like a sweet in there.

"Oh yeah. Oh god yeah."

Did you know your homeowner policy doesn't cover atomic brinksmanship?

Shame-wise

With your face?

Cover your back with your septum.

"Isn't this f*cking bullsh*t? Wouldn't we f*cking die anyway?"

"Shut the f*ck up, Betty."

Sometimes you will see the monkey, sometimes you will not.

"Permission to go faster, sir."

"PBS. No, the Mrs. Slocum's Pussy tote bag is at the $200 level."

"Does that look like an atomic bomb to you?"

You may be playing with yourself when the signal comes.

FASTER! TRAMPLE EACH OTHER, YOU F*CKERS! THE WEAK WILL NOT REPRODUCE UNDER THE NEW ORDER!

"Galactus!"

In your perfectly pressed suit.

Near the liqueur cabinet.

If you're in Chinatown...

"It's in my soundproofed apartment, right up there..."

"Let go of my elbow."

"Forget it, baby. It's... Chinatown."

"...you may encounter a Beatnik."

"Me?"

Unless you're The Flash.

"When they dump your books, dive into a fetal position, screaming like a little girl. Watch..."

"Ugod! Wah! Stopit! Stopit! Aaugh!"

"See how he's wet himself?"

"That'll keep them from stuffing you in the janitor's cart."

"Expect them to spit on you. Fortunately, no one can jack off fast enough to soil you in that manner."

I'll take my chances with the bomb, thank you.

Except the room itself.

"IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD, KIDS! INCEST! DRUGS! WAAAH! HA HA HA HA!"

"...they'll never live down the shame."

"Out of my way, b*tch!"

"Too bad they won't be around to enjoy it."

"A feeble attempt, really."

"Future civilizations will be amused by the shapes they leave in the half-molten topsoil."

GAH! They are!

Did she put her head through the cladding?

Or her head will be preserved, anyway.

"Tony regularly wets the bed as a result. Tony's dad beats him."

Tony, can I recommend the other side of the wall?

Tony thinks that if he can't see the shockwave, it can't see him.

"Notice how he weeps, and curses Oppenheimer."

Any unnecessary rubbing or thrusting he does is condoned by the United States Government.

"He's armed, so be careful of him in the ensuing anarchy."

"No matter how mad his demands."

The armored schoolbus

"Has it ever been cleaned down here?!"

"The glass may melt and splash across your body, casting your final scream in a hideous crystalline death mask."

"Stop eating the cooking fuel!"

If they know what's good for them.

Or they believe it, and that's the important bit for civil control.

As long as it's made of 3" thick lead.

"Which shouldn't be much of anywhere, or you'll just be getting what's coming to you, you slut."

That could have gone so many kinds of wrong.

"In all likelihood, falling structures will do this for you."

"Seriously, what the f*ck?"

"Review the life flashing before your eyes, as the air fills with a sound and smell of sizzling bacon."

"...lose that virginity fast."

Kill every monkey you see.

Don't call him Barry Allen?

Next from Astoria Public Schools, don't miss "It's a M.A.D., M.A.D., M.A.D., M.A.D. Cold War."

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Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn 1987 Part 5

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"Oh my god, we'e in a Texas Chainsaw Massacre sequal!"

♪ Don't you open that TRAP DOOR
you're a fool if you dare
Stay away from that TRAP DOOR
'cause there's something down ther ♪

"Great, now I have brain damage!"

"I now realise that doing that was the most idiotic thing imaginable!"

HFV

"I guess it was because I kept forgetting to do the washing up!"

"Oh cr*p!"

"OH YEAH!!"

"THIS PLACE HAS RATS, I HATE RATS!!"

told you there was something down there

you know, when she said she'd swallow his soul I don't think this is what she had in mind

"I've been framed!"

why didn't the rest of them think of that?

"Mmmm, that's good eyeball!"

"Bad zombie, stay in the cellar!"

"And it has a camera."

"It's name is...Pooh."

"And that thing isn't either!"

♪ 'cause this is thriller ♪

"Mmmm....hair!"

well there goes that idea

"He slimed me!"

"I was thinking about Monty Python and the Holy Grail, that really is funny."

bloody possessed clock

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Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn 1987 Part 4

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Wait, haven't we already seen this bit?

"Heave...heave...heave"

"Who would've thought Bruce Campbell could be so heavy!"

"I shall call you Thing."

And the book undernath that one is called 100 Terrible Puns to Make Your Freinds Groan

"Well I'm stumped."

First Person Shooter: THE MOVIE

"Come on, get on with it."

"My own hand is insulting me!"

no, that was a nice wall!

Sam Raimi's The House that Bled to Death

Raimi: Sorry Bruce, left the tap running there, hope it wasn't a problem!

"This film ammuses me!"

the Pixar Lamp's evil brother

"Everything in this place laughs maniacally, I must be in Pee Wee's EVIL Playhouse!"

"BIG HUG!"

"Oh my gosh, other characters, I don't believe it!"

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The Phantom of the Opera--Sarah Brightman and Steve Harley

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Let's see...Schumacher, Schumacher...no, he's not involved here, we're safe.

I think.

"Rhett! Rhett!"

Gaaah! Forget the Phantom, save me from the creepy Boy George Twins!

So Raoul in this is a Canadian hockey player from 1985?

"I have to go, your mullet is frightening me."

Nothing says late 19th century France like electric guitar, drum kit and synthesizer hand-claps.

Ah, a wedding veil. Where else can you find a few yards of lace and some fake flowers for two hundred bucks?

Why does her mirror have a doily?

"...that my singing somehow makes the lights flicker."

This isn't a dressing room; it's a garden center.

"Hey, Christine."
"Hey, Alice, what's shaking?"

Gaah, he scalped Cupid and made a mask!

Strange duet? You mean that Rossini one with the cats?

Either he's standing on a fan or the Phantom had a lot of beans for dinner.

It's a little known fact that Phantom of the Opera has single-handedly kept the dry ice industry afloat for over twenty years.

"Oh, and please keep your hands and arms inside the boat. There is no flash photography permitted on this ride."

I didn't know the Paris Opera House was built on an ancient burial ground. Explains a lot, really.

Why is there a rasta vampire skull mounted on the prow?

.oO(Hey, I gotta do something between Indiana Jones gigs...)

That's a normal reaction to Joan Rivers.

She must have an outboard motor under her skirt.

Geez, what a wooden expression! Who did Sarah Brightman fuck to get this part, anyway?

...Oh yeah, right.

"SOMEONE GOOSED ME!"

Sarah saw the weeping angel behind her and is afraid to blink now.

The Phantom lives in the Haunted Mansion at Disneyland?

Still, it was nice of Alice Cooper to let them use his summer home for the shoot.

The opera is also haunted by the ghost of Eddie Van Halen.

Well, if you're going to have a theme wedding it makes sense to go all-out.

"Does Dracula know you borrowed his outfit?"

That's not a cape, it's a set of Isis wings!

"...and your Milano cookies!"

"Now, Christine, you are ready to take your place as lead singer of the Bangles!"

Please tell me that's a snake on her headdress...

Is it wise to do LSD before going onstage?

Your conductor tonight, Alan Cumming!

One night only at the Luxor!

"Love me, that's all I ask of you, eh?"

.oO(Jesus, she's tanking out there!)

You know, she'd probably sing better if you stopped yelling at her...

Soprano Yoga with Sarah Brightman!

This won't work; the chandelier will just get caught in his hair.

Still, this isn't nearly as ridiculous a concept as Love Never Dies...

That is one sharp butter knife!

"SAVE MY MULLET!!"

Ooh, must be the opera's time of the month.

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Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn 1987 Part 3

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"Vice to meet you."

"It looks great on the mantlepiece."

a chainsaw was murdered in that cupboard

Leatherfaceless

"Stop sawing yourself, stop sawing yourself!"

"Hey I've struck oil!"

"Go body go!"

well, no 'arm done

The Girlfriend that Wouldn't Die

"The amazing thing is, this isn't the worst headache I've ever had!"

Aw man, you had a perfectly good idea and now you've sprayed blood all over it

"Well I'll be having nightmares about that for the rest of my life."

♫He has a magic gun
Where'd he purchase that?
BRUCE CAMPBELL!!♫

"You wouldn't hurt, an old, weak harmless little rocking chair would you dear?"

"Well, now for a quick session with THE MIRROR OF MOCKERY!"

"Marry me!"

"How tacky, you know as well as I do that they only way to cut up a girlfreind is with a nice sharp hedge trimmer!"

"Stop strangling yourself, stop strangling yourself!"

"Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the grooviest one of all?"

he must have had the sugar

"Got yer face!"

"I'm right handed, you'll pay for this!"

"We're hunting wild cameramen."

"We'll give you 50 bucks now, and the rest when we get to Alderan."

having tried everything to cure his hand of evil Ash resorts to using the kitchen sink

"AH, my favourite plate!"

"AH, my other favourite plate!"

"Actually I hated that one so you've done me a favour really!"

"Stop using this joke, stop using this joke!"

what has his hand got against crockery nyway?

"Woops, I killed him."

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Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn 1987 Part 2

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"Grr, I'm a shack, grr!"

"Danm I just realised I'm the only actor left, I've gotta carry this movie all by myself!"

Why does the sun always look huge in movies?

"COME BACK, CAMERAMAN NEED LIFT!"

I hope Raimi doesn't find out what you did to his car

"No, keep away from you creepy cameraman!"

oh it seems the camerman didn't want to play Hide and Seek

♫ CAMERAMAN IS WALKING BACKWARDS FOR CHIRSTMAS ♫

Bruce Campbell re-enacts a scene from Genesis of the Daleks

meanwhile in a different movie entirely...

"Have Babel Fish ready."

"In the Year 2000 every home will have its own self playing piano"

"Oh yeah I had a girlfriend didn't I!"

ah the grave marker must've been from an Ed Wood movie

Oh good, a Dullahan, just what this movie needed!

.oO I shouldn't have taken those drugs!

"You're mother sucks c*cks in hell."

"Well that was weird."

"Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting yourself!"

"OH MY GOD A CHAIR!"

"I'm sitting in something wet!"

"Sometimes you just can't get rid of a head!"

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Sylvia Browne's Predictions for 2009 (Part 1)

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We were. Let's see how you did.

You're not going to change them after the fact like you do on your website, are you?

Book sales down, Syl?

"Ribbit."

Puff puff. Pass. Prophecy. Prevaricate.

That wasn't the first one?

YOU'RE NOT A FRAUD!

Yes yes, my liberal sensibilities are sufficiently buttered up. Can we move on to the predictions?

Everyone expected the December interest rate cut you're referring to, and there was no cut in all of 2009.

Mexican labor?

And many things we don't.

Are we talking about lamp oil? Fish oil?

We sure did expect it though, didn't we?

You fail again, Professor Umbridge.

No, I know about Kermit Roosevelt overthrowing the elected government and installing the Shah in Iran.

All the live-long day.

Don't we see that every year?

All in December?

Strange that you didn't foresee the re-escalation in Afghanistan.

"Lending at the biggest U.S. banks has fallen more sharply than realized, despite government efforts to pump billions of dollars into the financial sector." ~The Wall Street Journal, 2009

"The tally of bank failures easily broke past the No. 100 milestone on Friday night, with regulators announcing the year's 106th closure. That's more than four times the number that were closed in 2008..." ~CNN Money, 2009

"I mean, when the party I predicted gets into the White House..."

In 2009?

With Brooks Garner. Brooks?

(Not really funny. He's just my old roommate.)

You're a psychic. Aren't you supposed to just know?

Yes, I'm sure somewhere "the islands" will have bad weather. Thank you.

"The 2009 Atlantic hurricane season was below average in activity, with a total of nine named storms and three hurricanes. For the first time since 2006, no storm brought hurricane force winds to the United States..." ~Wikipedia

"The 2009 Atlantic hurricane season was below average in activity, with a total of nine named storms and three hurricanes. For the first time since 2006, no storm brought hurricane force winds to the United States..." ~Wikipedia

"...she telephoned a psychic."

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Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn 1987 Part 1

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oh come on, that'll just make the kid want to watch it even more. If you want the kids to not watch it you'd better say THIS FILM IS OLD, BORING AND REALLY REALLY LONG

they decided not to use the sled for their vanity plate since they didn't want to give out spoilers

wait isn't that a copy of The Monster Book of Monsters?

OOO WAH WAH

and by "Evil worlds beyond" we mean Halloween Town

so after the last episode of Excel Saga then

because they couldn't find a pen or a pencil

some say it was sold on E-Bay

A MICHELANGELO FILM

ELECTRIC BOOGALOO

"Say, weren't there some people with us?"
"What do you mean?"
"You know, some freinds, your sister."
"Nope, no idea what you're talking about."

"It's only a model."
"Shh!"

"A magnifying glass necklace, just what I always wanted."

"Though I'd be much happier if you gave me your Pikachu!"

Raimi: "What did you say about my car?"

"No I'm not."

"Your mission, should you chose to accept it..."

meanwhile, in an Indiana Jones film...

Wait, at the start you said it was called Necronomicon Ex- Mortis

The sky will be darkened by the wings of many bats. The fallen people will invoke the name of the undead king. When the clock strikes the hour of the beast, it will reveal its true form as the beast. Angels will shoot arrows of Hope and Light at the loved ones of those they had been sent to protect. And a miracle will happen. Please always recycle.

Ugliest. Book cover. Ever.

"I'm only reciting the passages from some evil book, what's the worst that could happen?"

"HERE'S CAMERAMAN!"

"HELP, I'M BEING ATTACKED BY A CAMERAMAN!"

"Oh no, someone broke my favourite window!"

"Boo!"

If you can keep you're head while all around you are losing they's, then why not treat yourself ot one of my exceedingly good cakes!

"I'm gonna have a hard time explaning this to her parents, 'Hey Mr and Mrs Linda's Parents, sorry you're duaghter hasn't come home, she got possessed by an evil book so I had to decapitate her and bury her in the woods!"

"Take that ground!"

the cameraman seems to have gotten lost

"I hated that door anyway!"

"HELP, THIS CAMERAMAN IS DOING STRANGE THINGS TO ME!"

"Ow my tree!"

"Ow my puddle!"

Wow, that must be one really polluted puddle!

The fog is called home by its parents

"KAHN!"

"AHHH, I just dreamt I was in Kansas!"

you know what, these wood are quite pretty in daylight

wow what a big sun!

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Stoppit And Tidyup - Episode 1 - Beequiet And Beehave

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This music was made by simply recording a fight the composer had with the producer

"Beer"

"No thanks."

"Hell no!"

"Why? Where are we going?"

of course if this show had been made these days he'd probably be holding a DS

Not now is a nickname, his real name is Bernard

is there a character called DontMakeBadJokes?

the cousin Mr Tickle doesn't talk about

AHHH!! IT'S THE BIG RED THING FROM TRAP DOOR, RUN!

Which borders with Telletuby Land and Fimble Valley

"Frogs!"

"Cat"

"Fudge"

"PANTS!"

"F*CK!!!"

well that's what you get for having a thatched roof

"Burp."

"Hello butterfly."

"Hair"

"Ow"

"What the hell's going on here then?"

"Oooo, free beer!"

"OW, WHO THE F***ING HELL THREW THAT?"

"SUCCESS!"

"YAY!"

So now that he's found the giant wig he can get on with finding his roof!

"Pink"

"Revenge motherf****er, REVENGE!"

"Cr*p!"

"NO NOT THE BEES, NOT THE BEES!"

he also get STDs but we won't talk about that

"Fun"

it was at this point that Tidyup realised that he suffered from vertigo

"Curses, foiled again!"

"Happy."

"Pies"

"Two can play at that game you b*stard!"

"DOOOOOOOOOM!"

"Victory is mine."

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

ck"

"Tuesday"

"You'll pay for this you ar*ehole."

"Jam"

"Well, it at least it can't get any worse."

"NERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRD!"

Imagine if Terry had taken the same approach to this show as he did to his Eurovision commentary

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The original Lloyd Thaxton was a retired Grand Rapids machinist who would stand in a long raincoat and leer at the camera for an hour a day. His program ran from 1952-1960.

Back when you had to be drunk to work as a television announcer.

"With a sound as gay as their sportcoats!"

*crowd cheers*

The escalation in Vietnam?

"And other pop culture cliche crap! DAMMIT, JACK, WHERE'D YOU-? Oh, it's in my hand..."

Thank god we invented teen sex.

What's Dorothy doing back there? The Funky Mashed Chicken Potato?

This is what the hep crowd would be doing on a Friday night if Strom Thurmond had won the Presidency.

Where?

That's Lake Michigan.

Well, there are a few.

I thought you said there wasn't a cloud in the sky.

.
o
O
(Two more verses! I can make it!)
*puff puff*

The abandoned mortuary?

Maybe the old vomit factory?

Oh! The weird church on the dump road, in that trailer.

Over... over here now, dude.

Hello?

.
o
O
(It can't be my healthy 3-pack-a-day habit, why am I so beat?)

Gomez Adams: Bandleader

The grand tradition of American songs that use up their material in 90 seconds but just keep f*cking going.

↑

Thinking about Rayon dress pants on a bicycle seat, I hope this guy didn't have balls when he started doing this.

Dorothy, what are you doing?

Wait, he's not really singing!

"WE'RE EASILY ENTERTAINED!"

"Anyone got some Gold Bond?"

"...he'll never work in this business again."

That's the choke.

Christian Bale, Nixon Youth↑

"Ixnay on your ex-life-say."

"David, I understand you're warehoused at the vocational school..."

"Michelle, you're not any part negro are you? It doesn't work on negros."

"The same."

*jing jing!*

Do the faggoty little ribbons come with it?

"--and fight."

Wait, what?

Is this Britain during the rationing?

"But none for you, Dorothy -- I said 'dancers.'"

"CANNED GOODS!"

And the teenagers rebel by going away.

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The New Lloyd Thaxton Show

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The original Lloyd Thaxton was a retired Grand Rapids machinist who would stand in a long raincoat and leer at the camera for an hour a day. His program ran from 1952-1960.

Back when you had to be drunk to work as a television announcer.

"With a sound as gay as their sportcoats!"

*crowd cheers*

The escalation in Vietnam?

"And other pop culture cliché crap! DAMMIT, JACK, WHERE'D YOU-? Oh, it's in my hand..."

Thank god we invented teen sex.

What's Dorothy doing back there? The Funky Mashed Chicken Potato?

This is what the hep crowd would be doing on a Friday night if Strom Thurmond had won the Presidency.

Where?

That's Lake Michigan.

Well, there are a few.

I thought you said there wasn't a cloud in the sky.

*puff puff*
.oO(Two more verses! I can make it!)

The abandoned mortuary?

Maybe the old vomit factory?

Oh! The weird church on the dump road, in that trailer.

Over... over here now, dude.

Over... over here now, dude.

Hello?

.oO(It can't be my 3-pack-a-day habit, why am I so beat?)

Gomez Adams: Bandleader

The grand tradition of American songs that use up their material in 90 seconds but just keep f*cking going...

  ↑

Thinking about Rayon dress pants on a bicycle seat, I hope this guy didn't have balls when he started doing this.

Dorothy, what are you doing?

Wait, he's not really singing!

"WE'RE EASILY ENTERTAINED!"

"Anyone got some Gold Bond?"

"...he'll never work in this business again."

That's the choke.

↑ 
Christian Bale,
Nixon Youth

"Ixnay on your ex-life-say."

"David, I understand you're warehoused at the vocational school..."

"Michelle, you're not any part negro are you? It doesn't work on negros."

"The same."

*jing jing!*

Do the faggoty little ribbons come with it?

"--and fight."

Wait, what?

Is this Britain during the rationing?

"But none for you, Dorothy -- I said 'dancers.'"

"CANNED GOODS!"

And the teenagers rebel by going away.

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