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The Adventure of the Wrong Santa Claus

2011-12-04T17:39:00.000-08:00

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This is another one of Edison's propaganda pieces against Tesla, isn't it?

And see images from the film in the current Weekly Prose.

"I thought you said we were getting a Barrymore for this movie!"
"Yeah, abou that..."

"Can this wait? I'm still getting the script from the Pictoral Review..."

"Shoot, I just cut my unemployment check in half!"

"a Christmas pasty?" So all their kids get for the holidays is a pie shell filled with meat and veggies?

"Don't read over my shoulder! You know that makes me nervous!"

"Well, of course I'll help them out! Who better to play Santa Claus than a skinny, greasy-haired dandy?"

"Have fun, I'm sick of slaving away for your 1% ass so I'm joining the Occupy Wall Street community..."

"Welcome to Shelves O' Random Crap, what can I help you find today?"

"S'alright?"
"S'alright."

"Whoops, this is our King Lear costume. Let me go back and get the Santa coat..."

"While I'm here, I'd also like to buy a washbasin and a lynched drum..."

"Ah, this must be Mrs. Randall's home in Oakville. See, it pays to read the title cards."

And he's greeted by the cast of Gosford Park!

Dammit, I HATE it when a movie drags the credits out through the entire opening sequence...

"Say the secret word and the main entree comes down."

"Now remember, Jimmy, what happened behind the tool shed is our little secret, right?"

Edision Pictures presents "A Date With Your Family"

No, that entrance wasn't suspicious enough. Try it with a black cloak and a mustache to twirl...

"Anybody seen my hat?"

"And then we got to go on a field trip to the textile mill to see the poor children get amputated! Yay!"

"Well, I'll just go asex-SIST! Assist your wife..."

"I'm not a burglar, I'm just looking for my hat. It was a nice hat, too..."

"Nice! Is the burglar over in the corner new, too?"

"Don't use the wardrobe, though. One of the kids went in there last week and came out claiming to be king of somewhere-or-another..."

"Now remember, Santa has to tell me I've been a VERY naughty girl..."

That's not Grace Randall, it's Amelia Earhart!

"He's going to be Santa? Well, I've been a VERY--"
"Wait your turn!"

"Look, I paid for the hour, I get first dibsies!"

"Dammit, that hat has to be around here somewhere..."

"I know, I'll hide in the garderobe!"

"Yyyyyyyep, still poncy!"

"Let's see, the g-string and the bit with the tassels should go on first..."

NO ONE will be seated during the thrilling unpacking scene!

"There's the corset, and the wedding veil, that should be everything..."

"Sit down, children, and I'll tell you all about my exciting adventures with Gertrude Stein..."

Dammit, they sold him the Dumbledore costume by mistake!

"Let's see...um, ho-ho-ha! No, that's not right, shoot..."

Why is that one kid wearing an origami swan on her head?

"There, now I can go back to finding my hat in peace!"

"I'll take this basket of goodies to Grandma's while I'm at it..."

"I'm not sure what she proposed is anatomically possible..."

"And this is how I danced with Alice B. Toklas..."

"Hmmm, maybe my hat is in one of these presents..."

The monster! He's stealing their Swiss Colony gift boxes!

Well, when you have cookies at every stop om your route, you've got to expect a sugar crash...

o/...You're a mean one, Mr. Generic Silent Film Villain...o/

"I'll take this fruitcake too, in case I need a weapon in a pinch..."

"Ooooh man, whatever was in that eggnog was good shit!"

"This bites. I can't wait until they invent the 24-hour Christmas Story marathon..."

"I guess the intertitle was right; I AM locked in! Shoot..."

"I've got it! I'll write a sign that says 'Octavius miraculously escapes' and hold it up to the camera!"

Aaaand back to the incestuous dance party.

"Are you okay? We're still on for later, right?"

"God dammit, the dog piddled on the tree again!"
"Um, yeah, the dog did that..."

As a general rule, don't trust people who refer to themselves in the third person...

"Fear not, madam, I shall deploy my powers of dandydom and save the day!"

"I've got to find a bell to ring on a street corner, fast!"

Christmas comes to the set of Gangs of New York.

"Now to hitch a ride to the set of The Great Train Robbery, and I'm in the clear!"

D.W. Griffith's The Polar Express

He's a quick change artist!

Oh, this is the scene where he throws the Nazis off and then turns to the crowd and says "No ticket," right?

Just take our workd for it. There was an attempt, and it failed.

o/...I hear the sleigh a-comin', it's rollin' round the bend...o/

This was before they had lighting in movies...

"You gotta help me! Pitch is after me again and this time he's got a gun!"

This is going to end with one of them screaming "Shoot us both, Rudolph, it's the only way!" isn't it?

"Look, can't I just eat my Jimmy John's in peace?"

"Oh you are SO getting a lump of coal and a switch this year!"

He's trying to figure out a discreet way to ask for the latest issue of Hot Elf Girls...

"Hey, that was my lunch! First my hat, now this!"

"Come on, at least let me keep the bag of Doritos!"

Solomon would have just ordered the gift basket to be cut in two.

"The proper term is breast, thank you very much!"

Oh come on, all he did was ride down to the next train station and filched the guy's basket when he was distracted by the nudie mags. That's not exactly Sherlock Holmes-level detective work there...

"Christmas is saved! I've brought Quizno's for everybody!"

And after all this, that poor guy never found his hat. Well, at least he got a nice Santa costume out of the deal...

The first Bratz dolls were very different.

"And for you, young man, a replica of Leonardo's Horse!

"Okay, who ordered the Classic Italian on wheat?"

"It's toasted and everything! You shouldn't have!"

"Thanks, this is really good for my carpal tunnel..."

"Are you going to sex her up? Can we watch?"

"No, it's okay, go on with what you were doing. It's not anything we haven't seen a million times at the nickelodeon anyway..."

Damn, usually you have to wait to have your own kids to have this problem...

"If Grace won't let you do her up the backdoor, I'd be more than willing..."

"Don't worry, this will be much easier when they invent the Internet."

"Fifty cents says he fists her."

A fine wood varnish!

Helena Bonham-Carter in her private boudoir.

"Now, where were we? Ah yes, I was holding your arm out in a stiff passionless manner, like so...

Well, there was that incident with Psyche, but we'll let that pass.

"God dammit, you little pervs! Go watch Charlie Brown or something!"

These two kids later went on to write the Hays Code.

"There's a dime, it should keep you in candy for a month. Now beat it!"

A child's first extortion racket is such a magical thing...

"Dammit, who didn't put up the fourth wall?"

Hey, you've got the paragraph markings enabled on your credits!

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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic - Episode 1: Friendship is Magic (Part 1) Captioned

2011-11-17T10:15:00.000-08:00

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...in a galaxy far far away.

And considering this meant they had to rotate the planet that's actually pretty impressive.

She decided to make nocturnalism mandatory, anyone not awake at night would be executed.

So now it's Rock-A-Doodle with ponies.

With their powers combined they summoned Equestria's greatest champion, Captain Planet.

"You're not going to start making vampire jokes about me are you?"

"Nerd!"

"Man if only we had the internet in this world, I could easily look it up on Wikipedia."

Well they've got to compensate for the lack of hands somehow.

See also: McGuffin/Plot Device, Chekhov's Gun, contrast 'Deus Ex Machina'.

And now you've just broken her spine, well done Spike.

"What you mean that one episode of Thunderbirds where they get stuck on a mono-rail and..."
"No Spike!"

↑
FORESHADOWING!

And those two words are suddenly cool again.

That must be really unpleasant!

"Try some dusty new books instead."

"In order to subtly ensure the defeat of your first villain."

You haven't read the script for episode two have you Twilight.

"This one is the most popular character in the show, at least make freinds with her."

"I'm a pony in a cowboy hat, what could possibly be more awesome then that?"

"I hope you don't mind if I apply the blur filter to your right foreleg."

"The apple family is almost as large as the cast of Bleach."

And now for the only members of the family that'll actually matter...

Was she always called that, even when she was young?

Mother Nature went "Sod it" a long time ago and left the pony population to deal with the weather themselves.

It wasn't that funny!

"How'd you guess?"

"No, just 'a' Wonderbolts, didn't you hear they come in six-packs."

And thus we have an instant videogame level.

"I am Rainbow Dash, and I am awesome!"

And how does she know it doesn't normally look like that?

You wouldn't want to go to Canterlot, it is a silly place.

.oO And I thought I had trouble socialising!

"And please don't let the first impression fool you, I can be kinda badass when I need to be."

"Well that was the most awkward moment of my life."

Says the talking pony.

"So what were you saying about crazy ponies?"

"This means I have to socialise doesn't it."

And fans are too busy looking at a background pony to pay attention to this scene.

Rapidash?

I know how you feel Twilight.

So do ponies just not know what 'showing up late' is?

"Uh...line."

And after that dramatic cliffhanger here's some happy cheerful music.

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Episode 2: Just a Spider

2011-11-17T10:11:00.001-08:00

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"On day I'll learn not to do that."

"I'm sorry, but if you can't pay the rent you can't stay."

Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of spiders? The Shadow knows.

And you just killed the title character.

I see the kid has turned evil now.

"Hey kid, what do you think of my website?"

"At least you understand me twin brother."

How long was the kid waiting under there to do that, and how did he know the spider was in position for the trap to be sprung?

It's the spiders ghost!

Seriously, the kid's just being a bully now!

And unfortunately they don't make spider sized razors

How did he manage to get over his arachnophobia from the first episode?

(Jaws theme plays)

I never thought I'd see a spider doing puppy dog eyes!

"DIE!"

"I'll get you next time spider... next time."

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Legend of the Titanic, Part 9

2011-11-04T13:17:00.000-07:00

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"Quickly, to the impossibly contrived fairy-tale ending!"

.oO(I don't know why they're following me, I'm just as lost as they are!)

"We're going nowhere, but dammit we'll get there on time!"

Didn't your mom ever tell you that's a good way to lose a limb?

That's nice--what exactly did you do again?

The Green Goblin's going to dangle a bus full of kids from here later...

"Damn rush hour traffic!"

"Well, that was our honeymoon. What did you think?"

The score valiantly keeps up its attempt to convince us this is epic.

A 21-blowhole salute!

"Yeah, that's right, we can fly too. Now who's the dominant species, you glorified monkeys?"

They later migrated south and founded Marineland of Florida.

"You will all now worship at my unholy altar!"

Um...yay?

"Sorry, but the price for saving the ship is that I get to feast on your still-beating hearts. No hard feelings."

"Mmm, needs marinara sauce."

.oO(I'll say whatever it takes to keep this hellbeast from devouring me...)

"I owe it all to Satan."

....What?

It's a dumb kid's movie--nothing is impossible just so long as we don't have to confront children with the unpleasant truth of inevitable mortality!

"Later, later...."

The NES Combo!

It's like the end of Mamma Mia!, only I feel an even stronger urge to poke my eardrums and eyes out.

Amazing how the papers of the day completely glossed over the spontaneous marine show in the New York Harbor...

Tentacles just killed ten people with his random flailing around, but hey, at least he's having a good time!

"How come the cheap bastard never sent us a Christmas card?"

"Plus he forged his visa."

Isn't "famous soccer coach" an oxymoron?

Sure, let's go with that.

"Fortunately we have Captain Planet on our side!"

"Hey, don't interrupt while I'm haranguing!"

"Is it true you wound up in Atlantis in an even dumber movie than this one?"

Wait, you're saying this entire story might have been lies dreamed up by a deranged, aging mind? That...makes sense, actually.

"I still have no idea when, why, or how I supposedly fell in love with you."

Hurry, let's sneak out before the movie thinks of something else to do!

So the last two minutes of the film is a pan out?

Oh, I see, it's like bookends. Pointless, self-indulgent bookends.

"Wait, wait, where are you going? Don't you want to hear what happened next?

No, Kim is NOT.

This movie isn't in Spain, it's in agony!

John's got a nice mezzo-soprano voice here.

Wow, the entire EU pitched in on this abortion...

Their names have been changed to protect their identities.

o/...This movie didn't make sense to me either....o/

Injured in an accident? Call the law offices of Balnarves, Cheetman, and Davidsen...

Spider-Man was involved in this movie? What till Jameson hears of this...

Wait, costume designers on an animated movie?

So after being dragged to Hell, Don Juan was forced to star in this movie? Makes sense.

Be happy, Kander and Ebb. At least nobody's done a goofy animated version of Cabaret...yet.

Whatever you do, do NOT ask Sean about the family recipe for meat pies.

Yes, it's a crappy movie, but it's crappy in surround sound!

So, um, we can go now? Please?

Look, lady, could you wrap it up? We ran out of credits!

Listen, I'm just going to head on out. Turn the lights off when you're done, okay?

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Legend of the Titanic, Part 8

2011-10-27T13:45:00.001-07:00

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The Titanic is sinking, but the rave goes on.

"Let's get out of here before we trigger someone's epilepsy!"

Well, nothing else in this movie has obeyed any realistic or logical expectations, so why should water?

"It's okay, I'm only here to help and to violate your schoolgirls!"

"They want to know if they should send word to your next-of-kin..."

Yes, I'm sure the dolphins have several spare lifeboats and an efficient means of staving off hypothermia handy...

"He's a nice demonic creature from the pits of your nightmares!"

What are they going to do, offer whale-watching tours for the survivors?

"Damn, all those human sacrifices are giving me constipation!"

"We are the souls of men who drowned at sea, after all, and your prospects aren't looking so hot..."

"I just did what any horrible monstrosity with a childlike mind would have done..."

What happened to his voice? Is he going through puberty?

Suuuure, blame the humans, everybody else does...

"Well, THAT was random."

Why did the entirely aquatic creature need to take a breath and hold it before...you know what, it's your universe, you make the rules up as you go along all you like.

Wow, good thing the dog secretes a powerful adhesive from its paws.

There would have been enough room for everybody on the lifeboats, but NOOOOOOO, the band had to hog one all to themselves!

Regretful? Pensive? Bored? WHAT?

"Now the slaughter can begin!"

"Captain Stubing is still on board!"

What about dying because of stupid naval custom? That's still on, right?

"No please, I'm not a pubescent Japanese girl!"

This is the weirdest Sea World show EVER!

...What are they kneeling on?

Rodenta obvious

"At least we shall die together, person I just met yesterday and have spoken less than ten lines of dialogue to..."

"The mice kind of freak me out, though."

"We should have waited until the water was a lot closeeeeeeeeeer...."

"Oh no, I suddenly forgot how to hold my breath!"

Baby Beluga has come to save them!

"We did absolutely nothing useful, but we did it!"

Maybe the mystical moon magic allows their clothes and hair to remain dry, too...

.oO(And I sunk her but good!)

"Mine! Mine! Mine!"

"Well, I guess we'd better decide who we're going to eat first..."

The Castaway Olympics!

And they promptly capsize the lifeboats and drown.

"Kiss me, you fool!"

A moment of silence for the token redshirts.

Well, at least something good came out of this tragedy.

Don't cry, he's in the Dungeon Dimensions now...

Elton John's not going to rewrite "Candle in the Wind" again, is he?

He died the way he always wanted to: wreaking crushing death with his hideous arms.

WHAT? Oh God dammit, I forgot this was a bowdlerized kid's movie!

"Yay, the survivors are here! Now the over-publicized inquest can begin!"

New Yorkers celebrate by throwing more trash into the harbor!

"Animated film of Titanic sinking spits on the memories of the dead! Extra! Extra!"

"Don't ask us what the sister's name is, we're pretty sure the writers never gave her one!"

"Sorry, nameless sister, but you're the least relevant character which makes you first on the menu."

"Okay, maybe there are one or two flaws in this plan..."

Good thing there was a notary public on the ship.

I...guess that counts for irony? I guess?

"Villains get written off in half-assed manner! Read all about it!"

"Also, full color pictures are suddenly commonplace in the early twentieth century!"

Wait, so a Gypsy and a woman who's probably Anglican are getting married in a Roman Catholic church? The ecumenical movement goes back much farther than I realized...

Just because we're on land doesn't mean we still can't use gratuitous CGI!

Whoops, looks like she mixed up the dress with the wedding cake...

The mice were forced to use the leper's window...

Did they sell off the pews to pay for the wedding, or what?

Oh hey, it's...that girl mouse we haven't seen since the first scene!

Father Santa Claus!

Wow, you could store small curios on that decolletage...

"I love you, Sarah."
"Stella."
"Look, you're an extraneous character, you should be thankful they gave you a name."

Seventies light rock of the early 20th century!

They're stoned! That explains everything.

"Hurry, we're almost late for the garter toss!"

"There's a sequel to this movie, and it's even stupider than this one!"

"I'll meet you round the back with the cash in ten minutes."

Cinderella sold that ride after the second kid so she could buy an SUV.

"A dog! We've never seen the like before!"

"The honeymoon just took a VERY interesting turn..."

"No, Smiley, no!....Well, there goes the security deposit on this thing."

"I fart in your general direction!"

"I should have warned you, we'll have an 'open' marriage..."

Why is he dressed like an alternative lifestyle gendarme?

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Start & End Of The Greatest BBC Children's Video Ever! VHS

2011-10-20T13:08:00.001-07:00

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That is until we release the NEXT greatest children's video ever.

Ah, VHS, how I have missed thee.

Hello. Anyone home?

And several YouTube users wonder what 'Video Recorder's Tracking control' means.

But since this is on YouTube, you've clearly ignored this.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

.oO I really should stop doing this, it's not good for my groin.

His house used to belong to Wallace and Grommit.

"I meant to do that."

"Here's your daily cocaine supply Fireman Sam."

Man that title screen is tacky!

Sorry folks, you'll have to buy the video if you want tos see the whole episode.

This music is actually being sung in Pingu's native language.

How many of these 5 minute episode stop motion TV shows where there back then?

"You talk funny."

Hello again old friend.

"Somehow I survived that."

Impressive, but how does he get out again?

Remember this epiosde folks? It was on YouTube but not anymore.

Wait...that wasn't the song for this episode.

A title that's almost has hard to make a theme song around as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

So, is this the whole title sequence? Just kid wandering around and pointing out his wellies?

"I wish for some backgrounds for this title sequence."

Hey I remember this episode!

Including the teachers?

Yes William, we get it, you have wellies.

And now for the Master's favourite program.

Justin Bieber will be launched next week.

Finally, something on this tape I didn't watch as a kid.

Your singing is terrible, please stop.

When visiting Toyland be sure to indulge in a spot of fishing by Creator Credit Bridge.

And according to Alan Moore, Frankenstein's monster.

Thank you Noddy, your theme song is now stuck in my head.

Of course now this means we're going to have to listen to the song again as the end credits roll.

"Traitor!"

Noddy's car originated in the Herbie universe.

"...Jack the Ripper was waiting for his next victim."

"...there were the bodies of Health and Safety inspectors who had fallen down the dark dark stairs and broken their necks."

"I wonder if some space travellers will shoot their ship into my eye again."

I think I only ever saw one episode of this show.

So the entire premise of this show is based on the fact that this guy lived in a time before shaving was invented.

And I think this might be the episode I saw!

Why are nearly all of these episode I remember watching? Can't we have more then one that I havne't seen, please!

Sorry about the illegible credits folks, please enjoy the cute baby polar bear in the background.

Wait...you're NOT going to show us the title sequence. What a rip off!

And now to sit back and enjoy this wonderful music.

And why isn't this show on DVD yet (and the German one doesn't count!)?

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Turbo Charged Thunderbirds - Martian Invasion (Part 2 of 2)

2011-10-20T12:30:00.000-07:00

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And we're back...but why are you still watching?

Camera courtesy of Compensating for Something Enterprises

"Instead he'll be mad at me for not reporting it."

Well congratulations background music. You have somehow managed to make the arrival of a Thunderbird boring.

"Only really bland background music."

"And I'm talking about Turbocharged Thunderbirds here."

He's reading the viewing figures for this show.

"Drat, they drowned anyway."

"You don't need to use the radio Hood, I'm up here."

"Look folks, I know this show is terrible. Just please bear with us, it'll be over soon."

And why did we just have an establishing shot of Thunderbird 2 before cutting to inside Thunderbird 1?

"We must destroy any copy of Turbocharged Thunderbirds."

And I can't stand you.

Thunderbird 1 can travel at Mach 22.6, face it the Hood doesn't have a chance of getting away.

"SUCKERS!"

Please stop randomly cutting back to the tiresome twosome.

Well now that's over, here's a random explosion for your enjoyment.

Our heroes ladies and gentlemen.

Guy wise enough to have his name removed from the credits:
GERRY ANDERSON

Right there you can see where Gerry's name was.

But screw that music, what we've got is much better.

Pay attention folks, these are the people we have to blame for this.

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PART 1

Legend of the Titanic, Part 7

2011-10-18T13:40:00.001-07:00

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"It is soaked in the blood of my enemies!"

No, please, no close-ups of it...

Look, YOU were on the sidelines cheering him, why didn't you say something before now?

"I get to slaughter innocents too? This day just keeps getting better and better!"

"Now go to your room and no more ice-throwing for a month!"

"Careful, lads, these waters are rumored to be the home of evil dog-octopus demons..."

So, that's your plan. Sink an entire cruise ship just to kill one guy, then make your escape on a minimally provisioned life raft while you hope none of the several people who can connect you to the crime make it out alive. I don't think you thought this out very well....

"Eh, it's not like we had sufficient lifeboats anyway. What's one more or less?"

"And try to get some video of it. We can go viral on YouTube with these morons!"

What exactly ARE those things, anyway? Every cartoon ship has them but I never quite knew what they were...

"Look, I can see into the dining room!...Ah shoot, they WOULD be serving the lobster tail tonight, wouldn't ya know?"

Special appearance by the opening credit music from The Final Sacrifice.

Now see, this is why you want to do routine maintenance on your cruise ship before a trans-continental voyage.

Of course, if they hadn't been aiming at the ONE ICEBERG IN THE OCEAN for the past ten minutes, this wouldn't have happened...

Ew, he's starting to melt!

They shouldn't have christened the rudder with a blood offering...

"The suspense is constipating me!"

Well, good job dolphins. Now instead of hitting the iceberg dead-on and minimizing the damage, the ship has taken a fatal blow along the side which will send most of its passengers to their icy deaths.

o/...Dear Liza, dear Liza...o/

Well, free snow cones for the passengers!

Oh no, not...um, that guy...

"Named characters and animals first!"

"Good thing we packed several days early and had our life vests already on!"

"Don't panic, there's room for you...oh, you all know that's a big lie, so go on, push and shove to survive!"

"Never mind, we don't want to be saved!"

Now is no time to do the Monty Python "Battle of Pearl Harbor" sketch!

And they get stepped on, the end.

"That earring makes you look like a pansy!"

"Gee, thanks, I wouldn't have been able to figure that out without your help..."

Oh, just have everybody stand on the other side of the ship to balance it out; it'll be fine...

o/...Walk like a ship captain...o/

"Except the men and most of the steerage passengers, there's room for everyone!"

"And I'm REALLY fucking stoned right now!"

"Very well, sir, I'll send an SOS to the world."

"Not even my impenetrable brogue can help!"

"Only Aquaman can save us!"

"Who knew that destroying our only means of communication would be the doom of us?"

"It's not our fault! The talking dolphins made us do it!"

Anyone catch any of that? I think his brogue just broke.

Isn't drowning in the middle of the north Atlantic punishment enough? It's not like a good flogging will make their situation much worse...

"And the plot of Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End is convoluted enough as it is!"

"I give up, all these backgrounds look the same. It's like an old Doctor Who episode down here..."

"Everyone knows when there's a maritime emergency, you turn to the ship's cook!"

Just because it's a disaster doesn't mean it can't be fun!

"I threw up in my mouth a little!"

Next on Wipeout...

"No, I'm going to die on an hors d'oeuvres platter, the way I always wanted!"

They don't have a very good IT team on this ship...

Yeah, there's a lot of people with that problem these days...

"You mean a CQD?"
"Don't confuse the audience, Jones; anyone watching the talking dolphin movie isn't going to know jack about distress code history..."

The wires are getting shorter just to spite them now...

"I know we're in a hurry, but I can't work the telegraph without listening to some Lady Gaga..."

Mice conduct electricity? I suppose after you've sold people on magic tear-talking dolphins, evil ex-convict sharks, and horrible dog-octopus demons, anything is possible...

"Hmm, the telegraph seems extra squeaky today..."

"Don't worry, Camembert, we'll have a full buffet at your service just like you would have wanted..."

"Wherefore are thou Camembert?"

Hey, West Side Story!

...Cause, they're sharks, you see, and...oh, come on, you try coming up with better jokes after this movie broke your brain!

Tentacles was kind of a bust, why don't you try calling on Shub-Niggurath instead?

No, you can stay there in the all-concealing shadows for the rest of the movie; don't move on our account, please...

Even sharks know not to antagonize a cephalopod with 'roid rage.

Maybe if his head wasn't so freakishly malformed, he could swim instead of running on the ocean floor...

"And believe me, the view of you from this angle is NOT pretty!"

"Thanks, buddy. I'll make your favorite sacrifice when this is over!"

"Fine, we'll just swim back in ten minutes!"

"My hat doubles as a distress flare!"

Oh, NOW we're worried about exposing the secret society of mice to the world, are we?

Oh yeah, like the men in this movie have been any better. This is the first film I've seen where the entire cast is The Load.

"Don't worry, people, we have some deck chairs you can rearrange while you're waiting!"

Okay, the water's deliberately chasing them now...

"But I'm far to British to ever show it, pip-pip and wot!"

"Good thing the water isn't actually soaking into our clothing..."

[Ahnuld voice] GET TO DAH LIFEBOATS! [/Ahnuld voice]

So wait, the Duke can understand the mice, too?...You know what, any explanation would just make the movie longer so I'm going to let it slide.

"If you'd told me we were going to be drowning people I'd never have agreed to sink a ship!"

"There should be a light rail station somewhere around here..."

"Screw this women and children crap, I'm outta here!"

"Help me, I'm looking for the Mad Men set!"

"Summon the Dark One!"

He looks like an ottoman with a tumor on top.

Gaaah, cutsey angry face!

*screams, ducks*

Capped by TheDiva
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Legend of the Titanic, Part 6

2011-09-30T13:56:00.001-07:00

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This week on Shark Tank...

Overly Literal Theater presents Ocean's Eleven

Why are they all wearing name tags?

"And I said we're sinking the Titanic, not the Poseidon!"

Sorry, what? I was distracted by your, um...pelvic fin...

"Unless they're going too fast to correct course in time, but what are the odds of that?"

"Because as we all know, large cruise ships can be easily redirected by the efforts of mid-size marine creatures!"

Seriously, wrap a towel around that thing! It's freaking me out...

Tentacles? Great, just when I think it can't get any worse it's turning into a hentai...

"Of course you do, but the audience doesn't!"
"Point taken."

"Dupe the Dope," the hit new reality series from FOX!

Did they think they were filming this for IMAX?

Well, enough of that scene...

"I'm sure if every stops brandishing their steak knives at each other, we can come to terms..."

The fiend! He's stealing all the Gideon Bibles from the staterooms!

"Phew! There's my exercise for the day!"

When you find a scene you like, movie, let us know...

Sebastian was wrong--life under the sea is pretty damn boring...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHWHATTHEFUCKISTHAT?!?!?!

I would be too if I were talking to a genetic abomination.

"What? There are some good restaurants out here!"

"Well, mostly we want to know why he looks like a cross between Cthulhu and a Goof Troop extra on steroids..."

The cutesy kid voice just makes it worse, somehow.

Those arms...I may never eat calamari again...

This IS Hell, right? I mean, something like this couldn't exist except in the deepest pits of damnation...

Nice try, but the Octo-Dog has a creepier laugh.

*sobs* I want my mommy....

Really? You're talking to an overinflated balloon from the Hell Thanksgiving Day Parade, and you're worried about the sharks?

Hey hey, they prefer the term Orcinus-Americans, thankyouverymuch...

Of course, we all know how much ice is lying around on the bottom of the ocean...

Okay, you've proven you can toss giant rock crystals around, now let's try some actual ice...

Did he break it first?

Really isn't a whole lot going on in the mid-Atlantic trench today, is there?

"Must be my unholy pact with the Dark One."

Most movies can't sustain ice throwing as a central plot point for long. This movie, for example, can't do it at all.

"No, I'm too pretty for shark prison!"

"What's that, girl? Timmy's trapped in the old smokestack?"

"I have some doggie biscuits here...um, I wasn't eating them myself or anything; I was, uh, saving them for a friend..."

Wow, that dog sure loves his hardtack.

"Aww, isn't that cute, he's walking away with private correspondence!"

It's an ocean voyage and he STILL has to take the cat to the vet. Bummer.

So, does the cat actually do anything, or is it just there because evil people need to have a cat around for some reason?

Funny, that's also what the voice actors said on getting cast.

"Ha ha ha...take me now, you fierce beast!"

"Now leave me alone, I gotta smoke these Cubans before we make port..."

"Specifically this 'rape the manatees' clause..."

"I'm sure we can come to a betray--ah, I mean agreement there..."

"Gotta hurry, I don't want to miss Fallon..."

Too bad he drooled all over it...

"It says here that plastic water bottles cause breast cancer!"

"Now Your Grace, if you would kindly sit in the chair that's been pre-shackled for your convenience..."

"Wow, that was fast, you moved right with the cut there, I'm impressed..."

"All the random scribbles are in order, as you can plainly see..."

"You know, I'm starting to think you're not a very nice person..."

"No!"
"...Okay, that's all I got. You win."

"Fine, I'll sign them, just stop chewing the scenery like that!"

Wow, better hope it's not the turn-down service...

Come on, now is NOT the time for your kinky sex games!

"You too? I knew going on Evilmatch.com was a bad idea from the start..."

"We're already millionaires."
"Shut up, I'm gloating here!"

...."Yestament"?

"Let's see...'Mike Rotch.' HEY!"

"Well, it would have, just a few months down the road. More efficient this way, actually."

"We don't want to miss the Legends in Concert show..."

"Which I was already, come to think of it...eh, I just wanted one last chance to screw with you."

"If I could understand English, I'd know what's going on..."

It's a little known fact that the Titanic disaster also resulted in stronger leash laws.

"We won't be hanging with the nightmare creature too much longer, don't worry..."

Great, it's got the mumps now.

"We don't have hands."
"It's a figure of speech, all right?"
"But why would we have a figure of speech like that if we don't have hands?"
"SHUT UP!"

"Turns out nobody likes the new Facebook format."

Well, that would be a first in this movie.

Wow, my mistake, they do have hands. Must be some serious radioactive chemicals lying around this part of the ocean.

Well, having an eldrich abomination on your bodyguard staff would cut down on the number of attacks against you...

"Can I have rabbits too, George?"

That's not an iceberg, that's Caradhras!

"Hee hee, I'm going to crush your head like a grape!"

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

"This is the biggest piece of rock candy I've EVER seen!"

So, ice only floats when you want it to....

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Hello! Project Egg Interview

2011-09-29T12:37:00.000-07:00

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Auditions

When I was young I got a corpse sniffing dog.

Mom said I could earn extra money, but we never really found much. Except for that Philippino mob hit one time.

You f****** don't know what the f*** you're straight f****** dealing with.

I will straight f*** you up until you don't know your taint from the Pillsbury f****** doughboy.

You b****-a** c*** mongling ball-snorting p***-holes better step off before you're yelling, "Don't pop my a**!"

However, if my demands are not met, the consequences for you, your economy, and your very way of life will be incalculable.

I am not mad, but have been driven to this mad act by your myopic refusal to see reason. Join me in this bright future, or oppose me and meet your destruction!

But people don't realize that Alan Thicke is also a composer. How talented is he, right!?

Still Not Quite Human was really the apex of the trilogy. (Jay Underwood was so cute!) Who but Alan could have pulled off Dr. Jonas Carson a THIRD TIME?

My friend's turtle got gas, so we took it to the vet.

And he said it wasn't a turtle, it was a weasel. And we're like, if it's a weasel then why doesn't it have a shell?

Punch and kick are all in the mind. But they're also in the fist and the foot. Fortunately.

Head butt is in neither. Elbow -- that one's what you think.

When I'm ready, sensei will explain how that will stop an attacker from hitting me.

Charlie was deep in the wire, and we knew we'd only get one chance to break out of that sh**.

Ffolkes was holding his entrails in with a mess tin. A f****** mess tin. Whoever patched that bastard up should've got drinks and dinner first.

The kids at school always tease me because my mom is a giraffe.

Mom says being different is okay. As long as you're tall, and can eat leaves high up. She says she's disappointed in me too.

Hello? Who are all of you? I'm very frightened right now.

I was walking past a van. And now I'm here. I don't know where my family is. I'm not even sure what country I'm in. Please send help.

Salmon can have sex anywhere they want.

I mean think about that for a minute. I don't mean I want to have sex with a salmon, but...

Have you heard the Good News about Amway yet? F***!

Amway is not a multi-level marketing scam. It's a multi-layered investment sales organization! And that's way different!

Holy f***, are any of you as stoned as I am right now?

You ever look at your mouth? I mean like really look at your mouth, while you're talking? Look down at your mouth, right now. I'm serious. Say, "Blah blah blah."

No one happens to know a good lawyer, do they? It's important.

I don't want you to get the impression that I've done anything. But if you do know a good lawyer...

Last week my class voted me Most Likely to Be Mistakened for a Charlie Brown Character.

I guess it's funny, but I still feel like a ticking bomb of rage, ready to explode. Which must be what happened to Charlie Brown eventually, right?

And who could forget the climactic Russian Roulette scene from The Deer Hunter? Four bullets!

I can't even get through a movie unless it has at least one Russian Roulette scene. Hi Mom!

I'm sure you'll have some cosmic rationale.

But here you are in the ninth... two men out and three men on. Nowhere to look but inside... where we all respond to pressure. Pressure!

The thing that's really destroying this country? All the sex perverts!

What should the penalty for autoerotic asphyxiation be? Hang em! Deep throating? Weird stuff? What do you think? Hang the bastards!

As an earthling, I am very interested in this concept of "waffles."

Please convey me to some ordinary Earth form of waffle. I will gladly exchange up to five pieces of paper for them.

I don't understand -- why do they call it horse racing? The horses always win.

It's smart of those people to sit on the horse's back. Horses are a lot faster than men. But what they should do, is at the end they should lean out front and jump right off. You know, right before the finish line. Photo finish! Men win! Yay! You know?

I believe that you should speak. With. Punctuation.

Nothing. Contributes. More to verbal. Misunderstanding. Than missing verbal. Punctuation episodes.

I'm not wearing blush. I'm having a strong allergic reaction right now.

It might be the air up here. Let me check.

F*** . . .

That didn't seem to help either. It might be this fabric. I'm kind of allergic to everything. Listen, I'd better go find my rescue inhaler. You guys all just chill. I'll be right back, and we can start over. Okay? Okay!

Urban Segway tours. Have you seen these? I have a tip.

Loosen the couplings with a #5 torx screwdriver. The second that thing gets up a good head of steam, the wheels come right off. Welcome to my crib, a**holes.

If you experience an erection lasting more than eighteen hours, it may be necessary to consult with a pharmacist -- even a recreational pharmacist -- like me.

Allow me now to demonstrate the pain of an overlong erection... Interpretively.

While it may seem like fun to sport a multi-hour erection on a bus, plane, or the civic club of your choice, please use caution and remember this: The penis is not a sundial.

There are many popular bands in the world today now.

Manifold, as one of these current bands, distinguishes itself with the use of a snare drum. They play the snare drum with sticks like this.

Despite all this, Manifold remains popular only among a circle of fans. I may have even made it up!

Okay, and then -- you're seriously not going to believe this -- but, like, I'm totally serious, okay...

She's being all, you know, and I'm like -- obviously, I'm like, whatever. So she and this other girl are all like, eh? And here I am, like, didn't she totally start this in the first place? But that wasn't even the really important part...

Can you believe her? So then I'm like, whatever, and she's all like, whatever! And I'm like, "As if!" -- and she's all, "As if?" -- and we're just like "As if nothing..." And she's like, "As if nothing nothing." Can you believe it!? Totally bullsh*t, right? Then we put on the wigs and crossed into Finland.

We appreciate you coming in for this interview at Retail Sports.

Unfortunately, the management is not able to offer you a position at this point in time.

Please do not worry whether our decision hinged in any part on your gross lack of physical fitness, or on your poor choice of clothing. But due to both of these limitations, I fully expect the door to hit your a** on the way out.

The Rest -

Actually, it's not me. It's entirely you. I just thought you should know that.

It's kind of funny, actually, because you're probably thinking, "Oh, I must have done something..." And you did. Practically everything wrong, in fact. And maybe you're wondering if you were lame in bed, and guess what? Hole in one! You should really stop doing that ear thing for STARTERS...

Hey there! Japanese Velma here to share with y'all.

We almost had the case solved. Obviously it wasn't "the man" in some form or other, because that would be against Japanese conformity. Clearly it was either a disgruntled maid, a disgruntled watress, a disgruntled waitress at a maid cafe, or an American.

Maybe a disgruntled American working in a maid cafe? Nah, that only happens in anime. So Shuki and Skoubi got high as balls on blowfish treats, we set a trap, and it turned out to be a pedophile. Again.

I WILL POUND YOUR BALLS INTO THE GROUND! I WILL TEACH YOU THE MEANING OF PAIN!

You slimebag maggots don't deserve to be 4-F'ed under the letterhead of my beloved Corp! I will destroy and rebuild you! The first and last words out of your holes will be "cutie pie," do you understand me? Bunny hop drills -- 15 -- now! Move it, worms, or there will be no shortcake!

Greetings from the 2011 Miss Soybean Tokaido (North)!

Most people don't know that soybeans are a major source of many things. Hey, watch what I can do...

Soy...

Soy... bean!

I should probably explain that my father cornered the market on soybeans in northern Tokaido over the past six years. Cross him, and you will be CRUSHED.

Hi! I'm auditioning to be the Fat One.

Even though I'm trim and in good shape, I have a slightly wide face on camera. I could be an icon to the faux-open-minded!

Hi! Batsh*t F***ing Crazy One, reporting for duty!

You ever start stabbing your life-sized character pillow, and you realize it's not a pillow? Awkward. But what are you gonna do, stop?! Cosplayers should know better anyway. Stabby stab! ...Hi, Mr. Agnew!

Assaulted by
Cute

They already packed up the boom mic, but I still want to audition for a Hello! Project girl group.

My dream is to be famous for four years, then struggle with a solo career for another six or so.

Check out this pout.

Eventually, I'll abandon my suffocating dreams and become a history teacher or something. I might have a chance of achieving some happiness by, oh, 2025? Coolies!

Capped by Space Toast
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Legend of the Titanic, Part 5

2011-09-02T13:35:00.001-07:00

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The NIMH Philharmonic!

Eh, beats Lawrence Welk, I suppose.

"And my I explain why I'm suddenly speaking with a Latin accent for no apparent reason?"

"So, um, do you want to talk, or ask for my name, or..."

Disney called; they want the ending to Sleeping Beauty back...

"You are now carrying my child."
"How?"
"That is the mystery of the dance."

And the homoerotic subtext ceases to be subtext.

"Hey, what about us? We were promised ten cuttlebones for this gig!"

"Damn, I thought he was into me!"

It'll never work out; eventually they'll have to talk to one another...

"On my signal, poop! Ready..."

Vaguely David Hasselhoff and Vaguely Kate Winslet: A Vague Love Story

"Surrounded by vermin! This is the most romantic date EVER!"

"Beggin' Strips are on me tonight!"

Well, it's going to be awkward explaining the wedding guest list to her father...

"No, I said party music, not 80's video game music!"

Whoa, conductor got back!

Even back then, white people just could not dance.

Okay, that's how you shake dog poo off your shoes, now let's try dancing...

They're not even married yet, and they already have a reception with embarrassing dancing...

This from the country that invented the tarantella?

Well, um, mucho gusto, I guess.

Do you really want to be dancing that close to Ascot Boy's feet? I'm just sayin'...

The dog's having a seizure! No wait, that's more dancing, my bad...

"You will always be my first love..."

Tone it down, woman! They can see your calves!

"I either need to quit drinking or start drinking."

.oO(Mmmm, cake sounds good. I wonder if the buffet's still open...)

Don't worry, Ice is watching his cholesterol.

Wow, the effects look even cheaper by twilight.

So you just took someone's 3D concept of an ocean liner and made a movie with it. Big deal.

"And he's a Gypsy, and he has no job or money, and his dog loves to pee on people for kicks, and..."

"I understand, darling. Now you just sit quietly while Daddy writes a letter to the convent..."

"What, you don't like my Church Lady impression? Okay, get bent."

"Don't make me rasp at you some more!"

"Or at least settle this in a wading pool filled with chocolate pudding!"

"He won't even have me until after your father's life insurance cashes out--wait, did I say that out loud?"

"Don't mind your stepmother; it's her job to be evil..."

"And by 'blessing,' I mean 'you're out of the will'."

Oh, you two are busy plotting; we'll just wait over here.

"First, we'll eat that lovely merengue on your head..."

"Shut up or you'll miss the next plot point!"

"Um, shouldn't we wait until we hear the evil plan first? Ah, never mind..."

KOMEDY!

A shut ventilation grate? What are the odds?

Ewww, kibble breath!

Yeah, nobody wakes up sleeping dogs like Beckham.

Wow, steerage has some nice suites...

"We didn't mean to turn you on!"

That must be his sleeping puffy shirt and tight pants.

"Did we skip a page again?"

"Hiring rentboys, now that I'll believe!"

You sure? I mean, it could be the Edmund Fitzgerald, the Lusitania...

"Well, if there's a whaling concession involved, you MUST be telling the truth!"

"Hmmm...you're starting to make sense and that scares me."

Oh, that is SO catist.

Wait, who's talking?

And that's the FIRST sane thing anyone's said in this movie!

"Where we don't know where the next penny's coming from!"

Do soccer playing mice count?

"--It's spanking time!"

"And by stateroom, I mean hallway outside the staterooms."

"I ran out of Just for Men halfway through, all right?"

"Well, that's it for my random and pointless character development, off to the next bizarre plot point..."

"Stupid bangs! I should just let them grow out..."

"This isn't a wire, it's a piece of paper!"

"Quick, get some catgut!"

"Must be a pixie jazz combo..."

Brazilian mice celebrate the World Cup!

"Shoot, we've got anthropomorphic rodents. Time to call the exterminator."

Could you sneak a little more conspicuously, please?

Actually, Maltravers is just wiring some cute cat pictures to his aunt in Jersey.

"Please read this aloud before sending so anyone can overhear my evil plans. Thank you."

THRILL as the brave mouse paces back and forth a few steps!

"That's a brilliant idea that will absolutely have no disastrous consequences later on!"

So the Californian never received the distress call because of a pack of overzealous mice?

"Let's see...The guy sending this is a weiner. HEY!"

Funny, I thought the iceberg would have been bigger.

"Good, it's quiet. Nobody can see me reuse this animation..."

"You mean besides your crippling lockjaw?"

"Give or take about two and half hours."

And why midnight exactly, anyway? Is that what Maltravers has in the death pool:?

"Well, except for that one time Jeeves went surfing..."

"Except for Roy Scheider."

"Maybe I should just save a seat in the lifeboats now, beat the rush..."

Capped by TheDiva
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Legend of the Titanic, Part 4

2011-08-05T12:42:00.000-07:00

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Do cartoon heroines just not know how unsanitary this is?

What is that? Cheese? Bread? Packing material?

Yeah, one chunk of Styrofoam; he's a real glutton...

"That was so cute. I'm going to disinfect this dress now."

"A striptease!"

"-you'll have to get by me and my head Tribbles first!"

"Figures we'd get the one girl who doesn't go for the bad boy..."

Wait, did we just skip a few lines? Or a whole scene?

Why does he need to be quiet? The bad guys didn't do the tear thing so they can't understand what...

...You know what, forget it. If I try to introduce logic into this plot, my brain will explode before the next segment's over.

"Whoa, I didn't know humans could bend like that!"

"That's the stupidest plan I've heard in my life."

"We'll buy a lovely house in the south of France and invest all our money in the stock market!"

"The great taste of bacon with only half the fat?"

Could someone give the mice some Ritalin, please?

"Stop copying me!"
"Stop copying me!"

The gravity of the revelation made her instantly change clothes!

Sounds like Count Orlock should be sneaking around the corner...

"Come in. Pull up a chair from the 1960s."

"I'm dating a Negro!"

.oO(Dammit, who told her she had a choice in the matter?)

"And as the primary male influence in your life, I'm the best judge of what will make you happy. Now get out there and marry eyepatch boy!"

Awww, isn't that just...well, a complete and utterly pointless scene, really.

"I'm bored. Wanna go catch the magic show in the Promenade lounge?"

Oh God, he's going to start sniffing it again...

You know, at least Evil Eyepatch Dude is honest about how creepy he is...

.oO(Ah, THERE'S someone I haven't piddled on yet!)

"What's that, old girl? Timmy's fallen down the smokestack?"

Where's the big-boobed lounge singer?

Maggie Smith!

Tracy Ullman!

An even more bored than usual Kristen Stweart!

And Carol Burnett, this season on Dancing With the Stars!

"That bitch was wearing the same fur as me!"

Where's a homicidal composer when you need one?

Which one's Anna Leonowens?

*whistle* Illegal pun, anachronistic reference, fifteen yard penalty!

"Without a black tie!"

Jim Dale?

"Just blindingly stupid."

"If you MUST know, I got lost on the way to the fire hydrant."

"Did you just turn into a mopey Gypsy and then back real fast?"

What? He's just looking for a girl, it's not like he solved world hunger...

Okay everybody, just stop for a second, I think a couple pages of script got stuck together again...

"Well, you'll have to buy me a couple drinks first..."

Well, it still beats being in love with someone you hate...

"Danny Torrance, what have I told you about riding your Big Wheel in the halls?"

What the--did he just materialize off-camera?

"Shoot, I'm lost again. The steward must think I'm an idiot..."

"Let's see, there's something I'm supposed to do with this..."

"Yes, we ARE officially more annoying than the rapping dog."

"Careful, the backdrop is slippery..."

"Oh no, I didn't account for the forced perspective!"

Wow, that is either the world's strongest mouse or the world's most easily imbalanced man...

Look out, runaway changing table!

*Angelica Huston falls in next to him*

The washtub contains a wormhole to Victoria's Secret!

That's nice; those Magdalene laundry girls could use a good laugh...

A Freelance Shame Squad! The Titanic really did have every luxury!

"Maybe we can convince her to take up with that nice Buster Keaton..."

There seems to be a lot of random milling around on this ship...

"Ew, no I won't sniff your butt for five dollars!"

"Baron, you can Twilight Bark later!"

"Sorry, we're planning on having him fixed once we reach New York..."

We're in hour ten of the waltz-off...

...But enough of that, let's go to the cigar bar on the casino deck!

Hey, time for Wheel of Fortune!

"We know a great jazz combo!"

Whoa, and he's pitching a MAJOR tent! Must be dreaming about Mrs. Astor again...

"Oh Michael Jackson, one day you WILL be mine!"

"It IS too sexy to open my shirt!"

The future founder of Boulder, Colorado.

"Shoot, forgot why I ran all the way up here!"

That's not cleavage, it's an open heart surgery scar!

o/...Neeeeear, faaaaar, whereeeeeeee--
WHAP!
Okay, I'll stop.

"Whee, random frolicking is fun!"

There is officially too much "cute" in this Meet Cute.

They're twenty feet apart with nobody else on deck, shouldn't they have noticed each other by now?

The camera is walleyed!

Are you sure? I mean, if they're not smart enough to have seen each other by now I don't think we want them breeding...

And they walk right past each other, the end.

"Take me now, you big strong man!"

Quite a coup getting Kitaro to play for their first date.

"Oh, hi. Didn't see you there."

His cravat's trying to grope her!

Somebody SAY SOMETHING!

Dog's eyes...staring into my soul....

Okay, time out, movie. We're not going anywhere until you decide on what criteria you're going to use for your magical animal communication and then stick with it, okay?

"'Nearer My God to Thee!" And-a one, and-a two..."

"And my feet somehow mysteriously vanished mid-shot!"

The Rescue Aid Society has definitely seen prouder days.

The conductor's a shapeshifter!

"You hear that? It sounds like the world's tiniest violins playing a song for us!"

Capped by TheDiva
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Legend of the Titanic, Part 3

2011-07-12T13:04:00.000-07:00

WuILSi1l1d0

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"I'm not wearing any pants!"

"To Prince William and Duchess Catherine!"

Wow, those are some huge mutant cherries...

"Yes dear, now excuse me I'm trying to purge my dinner..."

Well, considering the whole "marriage at sea" thing is a popular myth, it would be pretty unusual...

Oh cripes, she's even wearing a cheap knock-off of the Coeur de la Mer...

"Next thing you know she'll be demanding the vote."

"Actually, that would be the norovirus. Chef wasn't too careful with the shrimp cocktail, I'm afraid..."

"Mmm, cherry Kool-Aid! Excellent vintage!"

"She's just hysterical. We're actually sending her to an asylum when we reach New York..."

"Shut up, bitch, or I'm having you committed right along with her."

Come on, just because she has "EVIL STEPMOTHER FIGURE" tattooed across her forehead...

Sirius? No, he's in another story entirely...

It's not a kid's movie without a little bestiality!

"Who do you think you are, Despereaux?"

Thinking humans and animals shouldn't boink doesn't mean you're a racist; it means you live anywhere except Alabama.

Uh-oh, time for the pseudo-Celtic One Woman Wail to kick in...

She has Everlasting Gobstopper earrings!

Tears. Now with Retsyn.

The Official "Standing on the Prow Gazing Longingly Out to Sea" Shot, ladies and gentlemen.

Uh-oh, the Sirens are after them now...

"You gonna jump or what? We're hungry!"

"Who's your daddy?"

Wow, they're like the Javier Sotomayers of dolphins...

"That must've been some good brandy..."

You know, I cried into the ocean once, and all that talked to me were a couple of clownfish and a sea anemone...

"Right after you give me a sardine!"

Um...yeah.

You know, sometimes something is so perfectly stupid on its own no snarking is needed...

I thought dolphins were supposed to be one of the smarter species...

Never mind the jump, check out the hang time! That thing must be part hummingbird...

Wait, I thought Ronnie was the one who had the hots for her and wanted to help her? Oh who cares, there's a flying dolphin who can talk through the magic of moonbeams, why am I focusing on this?

Whoa, epilepsy!

Okay, it's my turn: what ARE you talking about?

"Until I wound up caught in a tuna net, that is."

"Life is the bubbles under the sea! Disney told me so!"

"I'm a welder by day and a dancer by night!"

How do the dolphins know about all this? Do they get an AP feed in the ocean?

"Which come to think of it is nowhere, since serious conservation efforts won't begin until much later this century...you know what, forget it, the whales are screwed."

Look, you already got the magic-moonbeam-tear-communication thing; how many miracles do you need?

"Veeeery interestink..."

Wow, quiet night at the Overlook.

"Here you go, two Roy Rogers..."

"Do you mind if I poke your eye out with my cigar? It's an evil thing."

"Come on, the whales aren't going to extinct themselves!"

"I wasn't aware evil had so much overhead."

"Sorry, but we already bought that Bed in a Bag set you registered for..."

"Why don't we wait until Elizabeth hates you a little less?"

"Can't transport these things through customs; what a waste!"

Whoa, personal space please!

"Which would defeat the purpose, but...oh, never mind..."

You know, I'm starting to think Maltravers may not be a nice guy...

Special friend? Fred Rogers is involved in this?

"Okay, but I'll have to lose a lot of weight for that..."

Wait...is he going to finish the crossing, or swim with the sharks? Cause it sounds like the two would cancel each other out...

Midshipman Randomguy Nobody

"Oh boy oh boy, my turn to do 'King of the World'!"

"Heh heh, I'm going to hock loogies over the edge ALL night!"

He's calling the Enterprise!

"Oh good. For a second there I thought you were that Aquaman creep."

.oO(Crap, I'm stuck.)

Why the prison hat? Is there a correctional facility in the Mid-Atlantic Ridge?

Okay, how exactly is he talking to animals? Did he spit on a shark during a solar eclipse or something?

I see they've decided to start with historic accuracy.

"Say, mind helping me rearrange these deck chairs?"

"It's such a lovely morning, but there isn't enough budget to animate me without my coat..."

"I'll go see if there's a party in steerage where I can be free of the restrictions of my social position..."

Oh yeah, real subtle.

"Let us out! Attica! Attica!"

Can't lonely girls with evil stepmothers ever find any non-plague-ridden animals to sympathize with them?

"Come one step closer and I'm calling the Orkin Man."

"Wow, good thing she has no peripheral vision whatsoever!"

"Because it's not a meal time?"

Well, you should have asked the maitre d' about changing tables your first night out...

Because that's worked SO well for her thus far.

Whoa, wait, now there's a witch involved? Why not just throw in some elves and a unicorn or two while you're at it?

"Janet Jackson hasn't even flashed a tit!"

Yeah, don't worry about the big massive patriarchy standing in her way, she's got talking mice!

Ashamed of the film, the Titanic speeds ever faster to its fate.

The sunset over the Orange Crush is always an inspiring sight...

Great idea, Senor Momento de Cocodrilo con Labios Grandes!

When do Harpo and Chico play?

Next on Dancing With the Random Extras...

"I want to go piddle on our steward."

Well, I guess we know who wears the pants in their relationship.

"Pretending he's beside me, you know."

"The plot demands it!"

"I'm not a Popple!"

"She's missing out on the chef's delectable braised calla lilies!"

Whoa, WHAT did you just call her?

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Turbo Charged Thunderbirds - Martian Invasion (Part 1 of 2)

2011-07-08T09:09:00.000-07:00

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Well in the first 3 seconds have convinced me that this is not worth watching.

"S.A.L. demands that you stop gurning at the camera."

Because that's all a Gerry Anderson show is, a bunch of explosions.

Not badly photoshopped, honest.

And this guy must be the alien on board

"It's only a model."
"Shh."

"The Bunsun Burner isn't very good at cooking them though."

"Dammit, that was a rental."

"Hard to belive this was made in the 1960s."

"TO WIKIPEDIA!"

"The internet hasn't heard of it."

Our heroes ladies and gentlemen.

"Hey, I'll have you know I'm the most handsome man on Mars."

"Even though she wasn't in this episode."

"I want you to shut up and go away."

"This show will only last 13 episodes and then everyone will forget about it."

"What an awful catchphrase!"

Evil Zordon

"I'll bet my horrible accent on it."

"Not after being in this you won't."

"They did that last Tuesday."

"That explosion was from a completely different scene!"

"And so was that one!"

"And I'm talking about us."

"If Gerry Anderson wasn't still alive he'd be spinning in his grave right now!"

Why did you do that?

I don't know who's stupider, Trip, or the computer.

And why did you put in that clip from a different episode?

Are we doing the Turbocharged Thunderbirds version of Cry Wolf as well?

"...line?"

"And I still stand by that remark."

"Since I won't have another job after this show."

OH DEAR GOD!

"By the way, when did you become live action?"

"As do those two idiots you've got up on Thunderbird 5."

That phrase was cool until you said it.

Even the awesome launch scene sucks in this version.

We don't need International Rescue, we need Barry Gray to rescue us.

Gee, I knew Thunderbird 1 was fast but I didn't think it was THAT fast!

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PART 2

Legend of the Titanic, Part 2

2011-06-24T13:44:00.000-07:00

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"Come and get it, boys!"

SOMEONE skipped elocution class in finishing school...

Still, it can't be easy to carry on a conversation when your forearms are getting lacerated like that...

Did he just speak in tongues?

Back in those days that was the equivalent of grabbing a woman's boobs.

"Your mild buffonery is amusing!"

"You moron, you KNOW this thing throws off my depth perception!"

"Who's a cute little public menace? Yes you is!"

"And you REALLY like my leg, for some reason!"

"If you want to injure someone, go play with the bumbling henchman again!"

NO ONE will be seated during the thrilling glove removal!

"And you have hardly any fleas at all!"

"They call me MISTER Tibbs!"

"Bad dog! Who told you to initiate a Meet Cute?"

Somewhere a production of Les Mis is missing its Enjolras.

He's got it! TOUCHDOWN!!!

Is he the romantic lead or a serial killer?

"What's that, boy? The lack of sufficient lifeboats could spell death for us all?"

"Oh hey, the girl I told you to run off and harass! What are the odds?"

Wow, it's like the dance scene in West Side Story, only I want to poke my eyes out with a fork.

"You can fall in love with mysterious rogues later!"

"Or he might just be looking for a quick lay, it's hard to tell right now."

"If you were a TI calculator, maybe..."

"And your neck tablecloth must be stowed in your cabin."

"But we call him Steve."

The Titanic was on the Royal Caribbean line?

"THAT will teach you to do your job and enforce regulations!"

The Ugly American...uh, Gypsies, I guess.

The good guys, ladies and gentlemen.

"Two more months until retirement, two more months..."

What the--when did this become a Farrelly Brothers movie?

So, let's see: so far the male lead and his buddies have stolen a lady's glove, sniffed in a creepily fetishistic manner, pushed around a steward, and urinated on the same steward's boot. Nice crowd.

"But only after you defecate in it!"

Awww, what did the poor hat do?

Is this foreshadowing, or just padding?

"Bye-bye! Enjoy our soon-to-be-ironic joy as the ship pulls out of port!"

There's a hat jumping on a trampoline back there!

Steve Guttenberg and Bob Villa see them off!

They're all shouting, "Can I have your room?"

A crowd scene that says "We only had enough money to animate about 2/3rds of the arms."

Oh great, Newsies is starting.

Star Magazine: The Early Years

"There you are, Mister Frakes sir!"

"Little bastard marked out all the articles with a Sharpie!"

"Evil evil dark plot evil machinations evil evil..."

"Because evil opportunity only knocks once!"

"Hey hey, I'll be doing the evil laughing around here, thank you very much!"

"Well, okay. These three couples die and go to Heaven..."

"I thought I made myself clear at the captain's party, Jeffries..."

You mean apart from the fact he doesn't actually have the authority to do something like that?

"And by 'his money' I mean 'her sweet boobs'."

"You amuse me. I'll kill you last."

Geez, Voldemort thinks he should dial it back a little.

I think this is an alternate scene from The Social Network.

"Don't make me pose dramatically at you again!"

"Look boss, you can't expect me to keep both my plot points straight!"

"We'll need to do some work in your tubes later on."

There's the problem: they've got steel wool coming out of the smokestacks!

Are they sailing on asphalt?

Maybe they shouldn't have made the ship out of balsa wood.

Hey, I think the guy from the "Money For Nothing" video was down there...

Okay, who replaced the crew with cardboard cut-outs?

"I'll go obey your orders, even though you are quite obviously not Captain Edward J. Smith..."

"But what happened to your beard?"

"Oh shut the fuck up. I've been eating hardtack for three weeks straight."

"The comic relief section of the movie is about to start!"

Okay, no more caffeine for the cutesy animal characters.

"Lend me your ears!"

Tone it down! You could cut haggis with that accent!

"A birrrrrd in the had is worth two in the bush, and visitorrrs and fish stink after thrrrree days!"

So there's a subplot about mouse OSHA regulations?

The Titanic was done by cheap immigrant labor? Explains a lot, really.

Another cheese name? What do you want to bet there's a Jack Gruyere-Swiss on board?

"His dishes have very little plague in them!"

"Hold still, I haven't finished with the boring part yet!"

Fun fact: there were, in fact, no cats on the actual Titanic voyage. This was unfortunate because cats are considered to be good luck on ships, as well as useful for keeping the annoying talking rodent population down.

Ronnie has a death wish? He's REALLY going to enjoy this crossing...

"Or the kind that are so pampered and well-fed that they won't bother to chase us and will play no part in the movie at all."

Stella is voiced by Brittney of the Chipettes!

"I just wanted to ask you to never speak to me again. Bye!"

"Heh heh...say, isn't that Ronnie dangling over the ship's boiler right now?"

"Evil, party of two, right this way sir..."

Well, on the plus side the ship has an abundance of apple cider.

It's not easy to talk while kissing someone's hand. Try it sometime!

When's Leo going to come in to teach these stiffs a good time, huh?

"I understand you're evil, Mr. Maltravers. How's that working out for you?"

Does anyone else hear Katherine Jenkins warming up in the background?

"It's the finest of the leftovers thrown into the trash from here on out!"

"What about wacky schemes? Or zany hijinks? Can I do those?"

"And by that, I mean I don't want to lose out on sleeping with your sister."

"You'll have to take my word for it because we don't have the artistic skill to portray it."

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The BFG (10/10)

2011-06-23T11:55:00.000-07:00

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"Even though you two didn't really do anything."

"And if this film hadn't changed things so that giant country was in another dimension I might be able to do that and live in Britain at the same time, but now I can't."

"Actually... I'm gonna have to carry on eating those aren't I. Screw this I'm staying in Britain!"

"We can share the suffering of eating snozzcumbers."

You guys do know that the Queen has a name right?

My, what a seamless transition.

...come's a change in the music

"So what work have you done in the past Mr Rowe?"
"Well, I once wrote a song about farts."

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PART 9

The BFG (9/10)

2011-06-23T11:37:00.000-07:00

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Of course what they don't know is that giants are really into bondage!

Well, at least it's not as embarasing as hitting your head on a wall mounted cupboard!

How on Earth did the helicoptor survive that?

"And one helicoptor with a small dent in it's undercarriage."

"Okay, maybe we should've brought a tank or 2."

The insurance company isn't gonna believe this story.

So he's not gonna release his mates first then?

And when the BFG is correcting your English you know you suck at it.

"Okay, before I kill you I'll have a little snack."

"Hello, remember me?"

If she wasn't in mortal danger right now this might actually be fun.

"Eat bubbles you b*stard!"

"That's twice in the last few days that I've nearly died now."

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PART 8 PART 10

The BFG (8/10)

2011-06-12T09:36:00.000-07:00

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"Besides, there's not enough room for you to send yourself flying."

Evil Laugh No. #113

And everyone in the building suffocates.

What? No lone wheel rolling across the screen? You disapoint me movie.

Wait, what do you mean by 'anymore'? Are there historical records of giants existing?

"Hi."

"Because you'll have to work out what he's saying since his English isn't that great."

"I don't know how anyone can like this Twilight cr*p!"

The giants have access to a 'Random Nasty Name Generator'.

Our military leaders ladies and gentlemen.

Three rights on the other hand...

I think I've already used up my quota of Doctor Who jokes.

"Bloodbottler you magnificient b*stard, I read your book!"

"Now I know how the Green Army Men from Toy Story feel!"

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PART 7 PART 9

Legend of the Titanic, Part 1

2011-06-02T14:33:00.001-07:00

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Scarlet Letter Productions presents....

That's Orlando Bloom's mobbed-up cousin, right?

Ewww, the dog's peeing on Russia!

Is this the same legend that "Goes On" in the other movie? Cause I don't think I could take any more rapping dogs....

Hey, if we hurry we can still catch the second-act injuries of Spider-Man: Turn of the Dark!

Is this the opening to a Titanic movie or the Macy's Parade?

Fay Wray's not ready for her date yet...

"Or did your crippling PTSD leave you a shaking wreck for years to come?"

"You can find pleasure, search the world for treasure, learn science technology!"

"Apart from its outdated rudder, brittle hull, and insufficient lifeboats, anyway..."

Why is the paper written in Morse Code?

"Shhhh, ixnay on the eathday!"

...

Yes, you heard him right. The deaths of fifteen hundred people, including some of the richest and most influential figures of the early 20th century, is all a misunderstanding. I'm sure he has some interesting theories on 9/11 as well.

"Summoning the ship's call girl."

"That's your grandmother's first pregnancy test; it's a priceless family heirloom!"

It summons Vanilla Ice? I can see why you wouldn't want to blow on it then...

"The year was nineteen-ought-six. The President is the divine Miss Sarah Bernhardt and all over America people were doing a dance called the Funky Grandpa..."

"Quick, find something bad to do before he starts talking!"

Grandpa, they can't hear your inner monologue...

o/...Finland Finland Finland, that's the country for me!...o/
"I said England!"
Oh...

Particularly for a young girl such as myself...

Abraham Lincoln sailed on the Titanic?

"Mustaches only this line; non-mustaches take the next ramp over..."

"Let's see...Hugh Jass, now boarding a Hugh Jass..."

No please, just drive to the front of the line; I'm sure the other passengers won't mind at all...

The 1912 Honda Element

Lord Cottonchops has arrived!

"Come on out; it's a beautiful day to be rich and white!"

Whoa, deja Winslet...

The cast of A Chorus Line is ready to sail!

"He'd also like to know what manner of towel animal you'd like in your cabin..."

"Such a big, strong, forceful ship...um, what are you doing later?"

"See? We can do the Kate Winslet establishing shot too!"

Still, there's been no seagull ass so far, so props for that...

Some random kids from Oliver! wander through the shot...

DUN DUN DUN!

Sylvester?

Bilbo and his friends make their escape.

"This bites. I'm going to go model for the Bad Kitty books."

Idiot, don't you know that every time you thought it was a goner the cat comes back?

He's dressed like the black chick from Saved by the Bell...

It's an open call for the next American Tail sequel!

"Heil Mousler!"

Annette! Tommy! Cubby!

"Mr. and Mrs. Crude Ethnic Stereotype..."

...Tell me I did not just hear that.

Really? They named their offspring after their favorite food? Imagine if humans did that:
"Hi, have you met our kids, Bacon and Eggs, Cheeseburger With Fries, and Chicken Parmigiana?"

*rimshot*

"Okay, nobody move back there, we don't have the budget to animate it!"

Hey, the mouse in the blue turban cloned himself!

"What, cheese names aren't good enough for you?"

Oh, she's so...exactly like the other mice...

"Cool, Diary of a Wimpy Kid! Can I read it when you're done?"

Tom Collins? Good, I could use a drink...

"You'll have plenty of time to stalk the passengers onboard!"

You got a megaphone or something? We can't hear you back here!

Did we really need a detailed explanation about how small vermin got onto the Titanic?

"Who cares? We're going on a cruise, not being press-ganged into the Navy."

You know, at this point I'd almost welcome the mariachi mice. Heck, I think I even see one of them back there.

"Ha-ha, your fear of hypothermia amuses us!"

"Step lively, wind in yer sails, and other generic sailor talk!"

Doogie Hawser?

"Just say the word and she sleeps with the fishes."

A PT Barnum mouse!

"Political upheaval."

"Though if I'd actually learned anything about it I'd know you call it 'football,' like nearly every other country apart from the United States..."

"But what the game really needs is hyperactive announcers who talk faster than cattle auctioneers and scream 'GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!' every time someone scores..."

*ball lands in water, floats away*

Okay, fine...now what are you going to do about the fact the game is boring as all get-out?

Don Bluth's Bend It Like Beckham

"Only not as lame."

Watch it, you almost hit Tevye Gigio back there!

"Just don't ask what we can do with tiny Speedos!"

I suppose it's too much to hope for that strychnine will play a major part in the plot?

"Not yet, there's still some exposition to get out of the way."

Ernst Blofeld's ancestors.

He's a pirate!

Maltravers? Too subtle. They should have named him Baron Evil von Evilton.

"No you don't, Daddy, but thank you for mentioning it to the audience."

"Well all right, death it is then."

Oh come now. Forty is the new thirty for disgusting evil serpents, I'm told!

"You kids these days, with your motorcars and your women's suffrage..."

"Now if you'll excuse me, I think I hear my tragically star-crossed love calling..."

"Tramps and thieves, too! Just like we heard from the people in the town!"

"I'm evil, by the way, have you picked up on that yet?"

Do Gypsies really dress like Victorian stage magicians?

They hope to go to America, where they will be free to love as they choose!

The cast of Les Miserables approves!

That's not a cravat; it's a tablecloth!

"You bitch, you said I was the only one in your life!"

"Or just leap spastically around, that works too!"

.oO(What was I supposed to do again?...Oh who cares? There's a fire hydrant I haven't sniffed yet!)

We never did discover who let them out, did we?

They have to make a Twilight Bark about some Dalmatians.

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The BFG (7/10)

2011-05-14T15:52:00.000-07:00

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"It is I, Little Miss RubberFace."

.oO Oh sh*t, she's on to me!

So the 'MORE ROYAL SECRETS' bit reports on the Queen's nightmares

"But the giants aren't mentioned so not quite like my nightmare."

"Surely you can see that from where you're sitting."

"Ah yes, through the front door."

Well, by definition, all giants are 'very tall'

"Please don't say we missed something out when brewing the Trogglehumper."

The Queen is very good at remembering dreams isn't she...I always forget mind within minutes.

"I guess we did miss something out after all."

He stole the cloak from The Death of Giants

"Even though there's only one of me."

"Well, Beryl can be pretty aweful at times."

"For instance, did you know that Prince Charles still wets the bed?"

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PART 6 PART 7

Rebecca Black--Friday

2011-05-10T13:23:00.001-07:00

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Great, High School Musical font. This does not bode well.

Quoting better songs isn't going to improve your crappy song any, honey.

Oh no, we've hit a time warp!

o/...Did my hair and makeup in my sleep last night...o/

Is she possessed by one of those creepy J-horror ghosts?

Starring Marilyn Monroe!

Amy Adams?

"Come on, we're going to get thrown from the car and into the side of a semi, it'll be fun!"

The existential dilemmas our young people are faced with these days...

I didn't think it was possible, but she's so Auto-Tuned it's wrapped all the way back around to tone deaf.

They pass a car full of Alanis Morrisettes going the other way...

That's great, kids, just keep pretending the car's actually moving!

o/...Till her daddy takes the T-bird awaaaaaaay!...o/

Highway? You're sitting in front of a Target Photo backdrop in a car none of you are old enough to drive; just accept it...

This is what ten-year-olds think being sixteen is like...

*girl on left* "Thanks Becca, what am I, chopped liver?"

Yes, if I've learned nothing else, it's that she's got this and I've got this.

What I wouldn't give for this to turn into a cautionary driver's ed film right about now...

You got into Mommy's makeup again, didn't you Rebecca?

Call me old-fashioned, but I prefer the classic Dragnet theme.

I'm looking forward to the end of the song.

Her youth group throws the BEST parties!

People prone to seizures should not watch Rebecca Black.

....Come to think of it, that's good advice for people who aren't prone to seizures, too.

"We pass remedial English!"

Maybe this is just a failed Sesame Street segment.

Oh no, another video is trying to muscle in on her territory!

Break it down, MC Lamer!

It was nice of them to give the pedophile hanging around outside the school a cameo in their video.

So, their junior high production of Bye Bye Birdie was having a cast party and just decided to make a music video, huh?

Wave your hands in the air like you just kind of vaguely don't care!

Parents, don't let this happen to you! Don't let your children watch Glee!

And there was much partying.
"Yeah."

Is she in the Netherworld?

Even the extras are having a hard time looking excited at this point.

"Yeah, kick it girl. We're going to ride the bile of YouTube commentators all the way to stardom!"

*Weekend not available in all areas. Partying partying and fun fun fun fun results may vary. Offer not valid in VT.

*checks watch* And her fifteen minutes will be up just about...

...now.

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Sesame Street - U Really Got A Hold On Me

2011-05-06T23:30:00.001-07:00

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Did we just see a blipvert?

Hey, Smokey Robinson before he changed his name to Crispy!

Always keeping an eye out for Berry Gordy.

Why the French flag pocket protector?

GAH!

Later used as a jingle for Polident.

"I'm not that kind of singer!"

"-and other Stevie Wonder songs..."

MOTOWN STAR MOLESTED BY MAGNET, FILM AT 11

"Hey, this show brought to you by the letters N and O!"

Smokey's recurring nightmare: A touchy-feely toilet seat.

Jim Henson's a sick, sick man.

This is by the CHILDREN'S Television Workshop?

No, don't encourage it!

I'm Crazy Vice-Head, now give me some candy!

Tammy Faye's reincarnation.

This is what convinced the Japanese to syndicate the show.

Smokey had a nice long talk with his manager following this.

Thankfully, the Coast Guard airlifted him out of the performance.

You're clearly not trying, Smokey.

So if "U" is feminine, is "R" masculine, thanks to its serif?

CGI later proved to be the demise of the black-garbed stagehand.

They married, and had three lovely vowels.

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Taco Bell's Pizza Pizzazz

2011-05-06T22:17:00.000-07:00

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By criminally underpaid workers!

Judge Reinhold is derisive.

How many drugs were we ON in the Eighties?

Oh no, a Culkin!

Aigh, evil Culkin!

Taco Bell: Bastardizing a grand cuisine since 1962!

Someone wants their taco stuffed.

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The Ancient Church (1of3)

2011-05-06T20:56:00.000-07:00

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Hello folks! Thank you for joining us. I'd like to welcome you all to another fun riff with the YouTube Captioning-

DAH!

If a synth hit that heavy doesn't save you, the '80s hold no salvation for you!

In the Beginning, there was an awkward silence...

WITH '80s LOVE FROM

WILSON PHILLIPS

We are just working Adobe Premier 3.1 here.

The Thomas Haden Story

Ahh. The born-again Baldwin.

"Verily, as ye have done unto the least of these Baldwins, so have ye done unto me" --Celebs 3:41

Yeah? Tea?

Waa hoo raa!

And now ended. Nice going, Sister Celibacy.

"To dissipate. Perhaps nucleate a raindrop."

(By men obviously. We never finish anything.)

Gentrification?

Wherever quality churches are sold!

Before the invention of science, a candle had to be a candle in the darkness. Functional, but lacking in poetry.

"...Voltron style..."

"...and potlatch..."

"...right across from the laundromat."

Among other things.

The ax can't wait until noon?

♬ "...Jesus don't want none/ 'Less you got buns hon..." ♫

And one that claims to be a cheap knockoff. They're weird.

Human nature?

Oh, this is a terrible art gallery.

We're going in, we're going in FULL THROTTLE! That aught to keep those Papists off our tail!

Geez, get a plant 325 A.D.

And coming soon to Copley Square, Cleveland Circle and The Shops of the Prudential!

Is anyone else seeing an upside down cock & balls?

"...loser James..."

*cough* Nepotism! *cough!*

Kinky!

Even the parts that aren't cruel or nonsensical?

God's all wise, he's just not a very clear communicator.

"...It ended in a pie fight."

15 axes? Are we sure none of them were splitting mauls?

#1. Point cannon away from face.

Faith in Santa.

Legionaries wore Birkenstocks?

The mothers didn't trouble their pretty little heads over it.

"...and sculpt ever more elaborate brass dandelions."

"It's still wet."

Count Dooku?

(90 years. Men. Gotta love us.)

↑
Bored sick

"Look, a penny."
"Look, a penny."
"Look, a penny."
"Look, a penny."

Meanwhile, Islam.

"They are as exciting as they sound."

What about the Coptics?

"Jesus! Shut your head off! We're trying to sleep down here."

Just like "Joey" on NBC.

You'd think God would have seen this coming.

1. The unification or trinary nature of the Trinity
2. Godzilla

"...bowl cuts."

Baldwin's voice has a comforting "what the sh*t-ness" to it.

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The BFG (6/10)

2011-04-30T14:40:00.001-07:00

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"We can't be lost, we have GPS."

Why does everyone in this universe leave their windows open?

"I'm past my sell by date."

Like in Spaceballs the dream of the movie has already been released before they'd finished shooting it

"DON'T LET THEM MAKE A FILM OF THE WITCHES!"

Sophie was never very good at hide and seek

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PART 5 PART 7

Thumbelina, Part 9

2011-04-30T13:11:00.001-07:00

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"That's your mom? Bitch stepped on my favorite cousin!"

William and Kate did it better.

Isn't this where pets are supposed to go when they die?

Half an hour into the honeymoon, he gets lost in a swamp and she's engaged to a possum...

*CRASH!*

"Buh-bye, stay shallow, pretty, and annoying!"

"We did it! Now off to haunt more nightmares!"

Unfortunately, he still can't get married in most states.

Why is she wearing a candy wrapper on her head?

Poor dopes think "honeymoon" means they actually have to visit the moon.

"--they ripped off Beauty and the Beast ever after!"

No, Thumbelina's still reading tha-
*squish*

So, whatever happened to that hootchie-mama toad, anyway? Did she ever get that gig in Branson?

The film looked in the Ark!

In order to help you leave the theater faster, here's the most annoying song in the show!

I'm not sure if this is just a blurry copy, or of the crew is just trying to protect its identity.

Eggman! He came out of the chicken coop to do battle with THE AMAZING RANDO!

Character aviators? What?

So, what was up with Hans Christian Andersen's characters not doing anything, anyway? The Ugly Duckling, The Steadfast Tin Soldier, the Little Match Girl, this chick...it's like a buffet of passivity!

Then again, we are talking about a guy who spent most of his life in a state of severe sexual repression...

Doesn't the guy on the bottom left need to get back to The Secret of NIMH?

Coat Check Co-Ordinator?

Awesome Carpet Questions?

Ink & Pants Chairoscuro Contacts...oh, I give up.

Where are the underpaid Koreans? It seems to me you can't make an animated movie of this, ah, caliber without underpaid Koreans...

Oh yeah, there was a bear in this movie for like, thirty seconds, wasn't there?

Yuk Yum? There's a confusing name for you.

And now, please welcome the End Credits Pop Ballad, complete with Mid-Ninties Electric Keyboard Opening!

"This is another fine mess you've gotten us into, Stanley."

Kangaroo Checkers? That sounds like a fun game!

*sigh* You're going to give every damn character with a speaking role a cameo in the credits, aren't you?

I'm dreaming of the ending of this movie...

Hey, the underpaid Koreans! And fittingly, a couple of them are named "Dang"!

Wait...you already did the cast! No fair, you can't repeat credits!

Taco was involved in this movie? I suppose we should be thankful we didn't hear Gilbert Gottfried singing "Puttin' on the Ritz."

Irish Film Orchestrations: Because you'll need a lot of whiskey to get through this score.

Let's see, there's the Electric Guitar Riff, we already had the Slow Cymbal Roll, the Soulful Duet, and the Soothing Synthesizer Chords...Hey, I got End Credit Song Bingo!

Skywalker Sound? Come to think of it, this movie could have benefited from a few lightsaber noises...

Sounds like someone put Aretha Franklin and Tina Turner in a gene splicing machine.

I can't read what that says, but I'm going to be charitable and assume it's an apology.

"Hi everyone, Hero the Dog here. I just wanted to say that I'm aware this entire movie could have been avoided if I hadn't been such a useless guard dog, and I humbly apologize for the pain you had to go through."

Did they do the part about not being able to rebroadcast without permission of the Major League Baseball Association?

She's shitting credits!

What, is Ferris going to come out now?

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The BFG (5/10)

2011-04-23T08:43:00.000-07:00

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And suddenly they're both burnt to death

"That tinkling sound means that this dream is about going to the toilet."

"You don't even understand endings, though that would explain Evangelion and the Prisoner."

Good thing the kid left his wondow open

"Woops, accidentaly blew in the 'Go to school naked' dream."

"Oh great, now I'm dead."

How are they able to see this kid's dream?

I think the kid just bonked his head and the circle of birds wasn't available

"Oh no, I's is terrified of clowns."

Giant Kilroy was 'ere

"Wanna watch another child die Sophie?"

Of course we were clearly in England just now as well

"Because if you do she'll have you executed."

"Can I call her a b*tch?"

Well I think introducing her to the BFG would convince her.

The BFG: mad scientist

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PART 4 PART 6

The King and I, Part 9

2011-04-19T13:09:00.001-07:00

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"Um, my eyes are up HERE..."

Wait, when did he convert to Christianity?

"Not to you, though, since you're a stinking heathen polygamist..."

Well, that's par for the course for this movie.

Lemme check....yep, there in the corner, you can see the last little bit of her self-respect flying out the window.

"In my pants!"

"Shoo, you bother me."

"Like it? I had to evict the Banks family and their prissy nanny, but it was worth it..."

"You have adequately fulfilled my minimum expectations, you wonderful man!"

"What with the whole whipping servants to death and all..."

"Plus we still need to reference the iconic image of this musical."

"A queen, on the other hand..."

"Which reminds me, do you know where Sir Edward is?"

"Come on, we've got nothing left to do for the rest of the movie!"

"Do you have any beer barrels?"

Cover yourself, woman! Have you no shame?

No, no, not like that, you look like you're marking territory!

"That's right, pretend you're crushing the spirits of the oppressed masses!"

Please, please say goodnight and mean goodbye right now.

Is she hallucinating again?

o/...And wearing each other's underweeeear...o/

"I was thinking more unresolved sexual tension, but that doesn't scan with the lyrics."

Yes, you shall. Get on with it!

He dances like a six-year-old at a wedding.

Dancing With the Pacific Rim Monarchs

"To the dungeon!"

"We should have done this earlier in the movie!"

Okay, it's WAY too late to be building up romantic tension for these two...

"Ooooh, your scepter is so big..."

Okay, you just rotoscoped Yul Brynner and Deborah Kerr, admit it!

"Careful, don't slip on the Dutch tilt!"

Do you suppose they rent out this room for bar mitzvahs?

The camera's hoping to sneak away while they're distracted.

The King loved dancing so much, he had a disco ball installed in the royal pavilion!

And they all lived inaccurately ever after.

What are you waiting for, an invitation? Cut to black, already!

Couldn't you have got them a nice park bench, or one of those bricks at DisneyWorld?

I always wonder what these "special thanks" people did that was so special. Late night beer runs? Pet sitting? Sexual favors?

Oooh, bad use of the family fortune, Richie.

Bakalian? Isn't that that Middle Eastern dessert with the flaky layers?

The one part of this movie that did not completely suck balls, ladies and gentlemen.

Gary Barber of Fleet Street

Wait...is this Streisand? Haven't we suffered enough?

Completely Ripped Apart and Desecrated by
ARTHUR RANKIN

Oh great, TWO Babses. That's an extra level of Hell right there.

Guy Who Watched Everyone Else Do the Hard Work
JAMES D. KOFORD

Please, please, please don't put out a contract on us.

Well, at least they gave Richardson a voice double, which makes them smarter than Joel Schumacher.

Darrell Hammond now tops the Asian American Association's most wanted list.

o/...This is the Armi Arabe...o/

Mark's brother Mike got teased a lot in school.

At least half of the "Is forbidden!" lines were pure Brian Nissen.

Wow, a LOT of hard work went into dragging the score through the mud.

OR YOU COULD JUST GET THE ORIGINAL CAST RECORDING. THAT WOULD BE A BETTER PURCHASE. I MEAN BE FAIR, GERTRUDE LAWRENCE...

What's the point of putting pop single recordings at the end of kids' movies, anyway? Nobody ever listens to them; they're too busy hauling the little rugrats to the theater bathroom...

And whose idea was it to list every single friggin' song in the credits, anyway? You've already told us who wrote the music and the names of the people who sang it...

Oh, she's singing about John Madden.

"Character Design"? Don't you mean "Characters Copied from the 1956 Movie By"?

Heh heh, these guys, what a bunch of characters, the life of the party...

"Canuck Creations"? South Park was right, we should blame Canada!

Studio Clean-Up: SCRUFFY THE JANITOR

Now these guys, they don't put themselves forward much, they just kind of hang around...

Oddly enough. Young Kyu Rhim is the oldest member of his family.

I tried to call Hanho, but they kept disconnecting me.

And now, the Underpaid Korean Animators! Give them all a big round of applause!

And these are the guys who are kind of transitioning from job to job right now....

Let's see, I'll have the Yee Hyun Suk with Seo You Mi sauce...

o/...Sung Song blue, everybody knows one...o/

It's a nice day, why not take the kids to Mi Hee Park?

When in Kowloon, visit COLORLAND!

Mi Jung, Nam Hee, and...Susanna?

Poor Bijay couldn't understand why his new American friends kept teasing him...

Hey, underpaid Indian artists! Good to know all the outsourcing bases were covered on this film.

If they gave the last names of the Indian artists, the credits would be twice as long.

And now China? How many countries donated man-hours to this turkey turd?

Elektra Shock: "Surprise Dad, your daughter has the hots for you!"

Ajish and Kumar Went to Animation School

These are the Hindi equivalents of "Alan Smithee."

Finally, the crescendo of the music, that means the credits are almost over!

It's too costly to buy my film every day, I just bring mine from home.

Dancers? You're telling me the strippers for the wrap party get a production credit too?

Ah, Chris. I'm familiar with his airport.

Visit our website! Of course now, the address will just re-route you back to the Warner Brothers main page, but hey, you'll see the trailer for the new Harry Potter DVD, which si bound to be more entertaining than what you just witnessed...

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The King and I, Part 8

2011-04-15T13:12:00.001-07:00

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Chekhov's Gun engaged!

Oh, that must be from one of Siam's many volcanoes...

Yeah, unless Joe Don Baker goes after you.

"I LOVE the old suspension bridge cliche!"

"If the bridge is stable enough for me, surely it will hold an elephant!"

Movie OSHA demanded those ropes be frayed and about to snap.

One of the King's lesser known innovations--the themed water park!

The famous Orange Crush River of Siam.

Wait, so they just put up a death trap in the middle of nowhere? What, were they expecting Indiana Jones to drop by one day?

"It's only a bunch of rotten planks and decayed rope held up by a couple elephants, what could go wrong?"

Heh, the old holographic plank trick. Gets 'em every time.

"Somehow I always knew this was how I'd die--drowning in Tang."

Okay, who is he talking to?

"We're coming! Try to tread lava!"

"I knew putting in the random elephant thingie would come in handy one day!"

Somehow, I doubt cat power is the wave of the future...

"Hey, this is actually kind of fun!"

How can he see all that through a telescope? Is it a mini version of Evil Dude's gong?

Next on Jackass...

Roger Ebert was right: good movies rarely contain a hot air balloon.

"Your shirtlessness is not yet awesome enough for this task, my son."

"I've got it! Stare at a gong, rub my temples and overact embarrassingly!"

"I am SO leaving a hairball next to his bed tomorrow..."

"Oh yeah, you Siamese minx, take it all...um, I mean, no sign of them!"

I think the ink and paint guy was a Broncos fan.

"Wow, look at all that Gatorade..."

The Shrine of the Vomiting Elephant!

Why didn't they get the monkey to do this?

"Damn your breasts are firm, girl, no wonder my son's into you..."

"Good. Now Rama will prepare for us a pleasant brunch..."

"Why didn't someone tell me he had one of those..those...things?"

Hey, that voids the warranty, you know!

Unfortunately.

"God dammit, the monkey survived!"

"Gotta go, gotta go, please don't let there be a line..."

"I'm pretending I'm still actively involved in this plot!"

"Wait, this isn't right! Let me check the map by the food court..."

Eh, not like you could get through it with those hoopskirts anyway.

"Oh, I love the Fourth of July! Makes me feel like a little kid again!"

"I can't stop, I've forgotten how itAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!"

Oh, the inanity!

"The impact will still shatter every bone in your body, but there you go..."

"Crap, I forgot the Prince used to be a cliff diver at Casa Bonita!"

"Eh, I hate getting wet anyway."

Shouldn't have tried to fly through "Fantasmic!"

"Now to write naughty words with my sparkler!"

Well, so much for the sinister, dignified villain.

"See, he was already on fire when I shot him..."

Tragedy strikes the Albuquerque International Balloon Fiesta.

"Is he okay? Is there any way I can be totally useless?"

THIS is why we're not allowed to have the parachute in gym class anymore.

*snort* "Five more minutes, mom..."

Simba he ain't.

"Well, on the plus side he won't make me pedal the balloon anymore..."

Can we just skip to the point where he wakes up? Cause come on, if you didn't keep the sex slaves or the drowned lover you sure as hell aren't keeping the original ending...

"Don't worry, dear, I'm sure Angelina Jolie would love to adopt you..."

Aaaaand...his eyes open....nnnnow!

Oh get on with it!

"Damn, I thought I was done with this movie!"

If you're the Rodgers and Hammerstein Organization, the time was seventy-five minutes ago.

"Thank goodness for the G rating!"

Unfortunately, the balloon had been taken over by Armus...

"What a stupid name. I should have never let your mother insist on it."

"First, order me a better pillow--this thing's KILLING my lower back!"

What, they didn't know he was heir to the throne?

"Oh, are we still doing that running gag? Sorry."

"Well, my regal robes would be made of satin, not cotton, not chintz."

"I will distribute e-readers to the community!"

"The press will still be strictly controlled by the government, of course...we don't want people getting too many ideas."

"Instead, everyone will hop on one leg while saying, 'Boingy-boingy, your majesty!"

Great, it's spreading.

"Good. You will be my army of the night."

"And I choose Neil Patrick Harris!"

"Hey, that's MY scarf!"

"Of course I'm angry! Get the belt."

"Someday you too will have a giant egg roll for a headrest."

"You fuckin' dropped me in the water! I still can't believe you did that! I could have drowned!"

"Oh, who cares, as long as I get my Fancy Feast."

Dancing With the Royal Family

"Preferably hot crab artichoke dip--it's my favorite!"

Well, what do you expect after generations of inbreeding, anyway?

"Okay, forget it, we're going back to the kowtowing. AND you have to kiss my feet when you do it."

Wait, wait...so if you play kissyface with the prince, you get whipped to death, but treason and attempted regicide just gets you assigned to elephant dung detail? That's not barbaric, that's just bad priorities.

"Lots of free fertilizer!"

Well, at least THIS gag's almost over...

And he dies a slow painful death of malnutrition and starvation. So there's an upside to all this.

Oh that's nice--kid's movies need more poop jokes.

"Dammit, why is the movie still running? We've run out of things to do!"

o/....And it isn't mine at all!...o/

"Seriously, what do I gotta DO to get under those voluminous skirts of yours, anyway?"

"Actually, it's a very common name where I come from."

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The King and I, Part 7

2011-03-29T14:02:00.001-07:00

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Okay, you just stole Belle's dress and dyed it pink, didn't you?

"Shake what there mommas gave them?"

"Doing body shots, waking up in strange hotel rooms with three men, five women and a goat..."

"I hate that 'One Headlight' song!"

The ghost of David Tennant is asking her to dance!

None of the cute apparitions would ever dance with me...

Does the King see her hallucination, or does he just think she's lost it?

"Or shall we say 'goodbye' and mean 'I'll be back later to pick up my underwear'?"

Tommy Tune projects himself onto the astral plane.

So, You Think You Can Have Psychotic Episodes?: This fall on FOX!

Whoa, that's porn for Victorians!

Not since Mr. B Natural has there been a more tuneful mental breakdown!

"You're cute when you're crazy, you know that?"

"Not without a pole and some singles, anyway."

"The spare girls have to pair up."

Expecting a flood, Evil Dude?

"Oh, your shoulders are so strong...you work out, don't you?"

"Louis? Oh, right, the kid. I sold him to a sweatshop..."

"All these men running around, baring their calves so brazenly..."

"Really, Edward, you shouldn't believe everything Glenn Beck says..."

"Please ignore my badly synched lips."

"Then, the oral sex!"

A public official being bribed for his opinion? Well, I never!

"Oh, if only I weren't so British I'd assert my masculinity right now!"

"I mean it, if I see you leaping up on the buffet table it's the squirt bottle!"

o/...Aaaaaaaave Mariiiiiiaaaa...o/

Ah, Anna has introduced the Siamese court to the wonders of furniture.

Mrs. White and Mr. Green are slurping their soup further down the table.

"Mmm, dog brain stew..."

Oh, it's an improv banquet!

Heh, it's like the porridge scene in Beauty and the Beast, only offensive and reprehensible.

"Do you know what the largest land animal is?"

Yeah, so is Dracula, your point?

"It's nothing compared to my Kirk/Spock slash!"

"Also, my genitals longer and more fruitful than yours, so there."

"Kicking puppies, for example..."

Hey, don't knock it! You can bet an elephant cavalry storming through Richmond would have gotten Johnny Reb's attention but good.

I see Anna hasn't gotten around to the natural sciences part of her curriculum...

So the kings chose the animal with the largest, longest nose to represent them. Nothing Freudian about that at all...

"Except when the animator forgets to draw it in."

"Auntie Lawan made you that pendant, the least you could do is wear it when she comes over!"

"It was tax deductible!"

So, I guess this means no dessert?

"Please, I don't want to be in the movie anymore!"

"See how easily this chain broke? Cheap-ass jeweler stiffed me!"

"Everyone know I get first dibsies on the servants!"

"Fetch Devo at once!"

"I am horrified in my stuffy British way!"

"You were making such good progress with the spoon..."

"Um...line?"

IS GOLDEN!

o/...I ruled it myyyyyyyy waaaaaaaaay!...o/

His larynx must resemble ground chuck by now...

"I never said I didn't find the idea intriguing..."

And thus voyeurism was born.

o/...Down doobie-doo down down...o/

.oO(What was I thinking? Pink looks terrible with my complexion!)

Professor Xavier loses it.

"And we didn't keep the receipt!"

"Next time could you just give me chocolates?"

"I don't want them to miss the fireworks!"

"They'll never find us behind here!"

So nobody in this movie has any peripheral vision or basic spacial intelligence whatsoever...

"Sure! How hard can it be for a pampered teenager with no real world experience to make a living, anyway?"

"If we go to Cambodia, death with a fifty percent chance of pestilence coming out of the northwest at fifteen miles an hour..."

Three days later, they were eaten by tigers.

"Hey, kids. How's the hiding going?"

"I'm an annoying cute kid, I must be good for SOMETHING!"

"Yeah, do you want me to show you how that felt?"

Oh, they totally ripped that move off of Quasimodo.

"This way men, towards the John Williams trumpets!"

"Well, the velocity still snapped our necks, but thanks anyway..."

Please tell me Baloo and Bagheera will maul them.

A Mammy scarf? You were just trying to make him as offensive as possible, weren't you?

"And afterwords if they're good, I'll drive them to Dairy Queen for some Dilly Bars!"

"But I'm wearing my big boy pants!"

"Well, I'm going to be a figurehead ruler set up by the colonial oppressors, but it's a start..."

That's right, that's right, just keep walking over the horizon and out of the movie. Good.

Ah, they're escaping at a nice, leisurely pace...

Wow, REALLY good job on educating him, Anna.

"Come on, whistle harder, damn you!"

"We can't stop here, this is snake country!"

"This is great! I'm so glad I'm TiVo-ing this!"

"I don't know, the GPS is busted!"

This was before Aragog got his big break.

God, I hate it when people shout advice to the characters during a movie...

They need to make a little side trip to Kroger's, okay?

"Sorry, I'm a little difficult before my morning coffee..."

"I'll throw in some business about weapons of mass destruction just to be on the safe side..."

"It'll make a great story to sell to the broadsheets!"

"You know what I mean--not British."

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The BFG (4/10)

2011-03-20T08:24:00.001-07:00

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The giants are all horrendously ugly, why? Because they're evil.

"I's is scared of the dark."

Well other animals kill each other to you know

Take only photographs, leave only footprints

"Though mainly because there aren't any humans to eat."

"Thanks for not opening the jar Sophie!"

"Except maybe air."

Roald Dahl: master of the macabre and nonsensical made up words

"Just let off a great big whizzpopper, that should do it."

so catching dreams is like catching a really big fish that will later be refered to as "the one that got away"

"More importantly, why are we keeping it in The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch?"

"My god...it's full of dreams."

There really isn't much else to do in Giant Country is there.

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PART 3 PART 5

The King and I, Part 6

2011-03-17T13:07:00.000-07:00

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"No really, I MEAN it this time, I'm really leaving, watch me go..."

"I don't think your 'extra credit' program is entirely orthodox..."

"Especially if you wear that thing with the tassels..."

"Everyone knows he prefers to play the necromancer class!"

Wait, wait...so Evil Dude's plan is to go from being a subordinate of the king of Siam to being a subordinate of the queen of England? Sounds like kind of a lateral move to me...

"Just an asshole."

"Except from Dr. Laura."

He's not going to start singing "Something Wonderful," is he? Cause I think that would finally break me...

"Princess Ying, we really need to work on your hide and seek skills."

"Be not alarmed, madam, on receiving this letter, by the apprehension of its containing any repetition of those sentiments..."

Oh, it's the Siamese version of The Miracle Worker.

"And give us some Rocky Road ice cream!"

Wow, the entire family needs remedial hide-and-seek...

Oh come on, she's not stupid enough to fall for the cutesy-wootsy act a second time, is she?

The closest thing in this movie to canon.

Well, I guess she really is that stupid. Color me surprised.

"Now go away, I'm teaching myself to read scribbles."

Wow, I can see why she's such a good educator.

That was just his great-grandfather's way of getting a blow job.

"Heh heh...humor him, he's crazy!"

"That's right, suck it bitch."

Groucho and Harpo did this routine much better.

Oh what next, are they going to install one of those police lineup backdrops?

"Fine, I'll take this hot stuff elsewhere."

THE END

...Or not.

It's always hard asking about someone's herpes testing.

"And Charlie Sheen got fired! Is so unfair!"

"Which is why I've invested in LoJack!"

"Well, that depends. Is it verified by Snopes?"

Hey Polonius, they can totally see you....

"Damn, my hands are cold!"

Villanova by 6?

"Did you hear that? It sounded like a laryngitic cat hiding behind the arras..."

"You will lose your head over your concubine's infidelity, then die for vaguely specified reasons!"

Good to know this whole learning about new cultures thing hasn't stopped her from being condescending towards people who don't speak her language.

"You're not going to make me wear a shirt, are you?"

"Excellent idea! Do you know if the British would prefer live scorpions or fried dog?"

"We're a patrol. It's what we do. Shirt-wearing freak..."

"Convert to Christianity and eradicate your rich and bountiful native culture!"

"They'll LOVE my baking soda volcano!"

As opposed to all those balls WITHOUT music and dancing, I guess.

"Thank you, your Royal Obviousness."

"After that my formal open-front vest has to go back to the rental place."

Is Tinkerbell flying by?

Bow-chicka bow-bow...

Hey, this is the opening to that Enigma song, right?

Beautiful prayer. Very heartfelt.

"Am I ripped or what?"

.oO(Well, at least they're not singing "Awesome God"...)

"Hey, this floor is a mess! When's the last time they cleaned in here, anyway?"

o/...And a frigid-ass bitch who won't let me tap that...o/

"Don't make me almost leave again!"

That tile's gotta be murder on his knees.

"--a new car!"

"Besides, I need my space. Bitch is cramping my style."

This would be a lot more meaningful if he didn't act so pissed off about it.

"I forgot to put on blush today!"

When does the liturgical dance start?

Daaaaamn, Anna got back!

"Look buddy, do you KNOW how hard it is to do this in a crinoline?"

Is this flirting, or abuse of power?

The supporting characters are quietly abandoning the film.

"Owww, Mastah Little have splinters in embarrassing place now..."

Even the foliage hates him!

Uh-oh, he pissed off Audrey II...

So first he lost a fight with a monkey, then a baby elephant, and now a plant. I'm guessing his next opponent will be pocket lint.

How did someone this low on the food chain get so fat?

"Help me, Santa Hanuman!"

Still, if there's one thing this movie does well, it's abuse fat Asian stereotypes.

Remember kids, it's okay to bully overweight ugly people, because they deserve it!

"Do you mind? I'm trying to make my look more obviously evil."

Okay, two words, sounds like...

"Can't you see what I'm trying to tell you, I love you!"

On the plus side, he's not talking.

Whoa, sudden ham attack!

He gave the pendant to Rose Tyler?

Ha-ha-ha...Hey, I know a fun game, it's called DIE IN A FIRE, YOU STUPID OFFENSIVE UNFUNNY SCRAPPY.

"I'll make my pad thai! They'll LOVE it!"

Oh please, like she's going to be so stupid as to wear the royal friggin' pendant while serving at a banquet where the King himself...

...What am I saying, of COURSE she's going to be that stupid.

"Midshipman, do you HAVE to play that song every time we pull into port?"

"Okay everybody, don't forget your boarding pass!"

"Like my jacket? I borrowed it from Harlequin."

"Thank you, your majesty, but I don't believe I can sustain a conversation on your virility for a significant amount of time..."

"Every animated heroine these days needs a cotton candy pink dress!"

"Oh shut up. This is the first time the entire movie you've had your shirt buttoned, you hypocrite!"

"If it weren't for the G rating, I'd do a motorboat!"

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The King and I, Part 5

2011-03-05T20:53:00.000-08:00

pzZgboJx7uU

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"Who am I kidding, I got this thing in a Cracker Jack box!"

"I thought we weren't into the whole killing elephants for ivory thing..."
"Shhhhut uuuuuuuup!"

"Just take it; if I keep it the animators will just forget to draw it in again."

"And I choose Kate Middleton!"

Okay, are you sure a few pages from Fiddler on the Roof didn't get mixed in with the script?

"When you're eighteen, you're out the door"?

"And for my animation to get back on model."

THANK YOU!

Oh, you mean your Excedrin headache?

Why does he have a tether-ball on a stick?

My thoughts exactly, Evil Dude.

Set up pratfall, and...

Pratfall AWAY!

"Yes, yes, it's coming to me...I'm getting October 8th, someone here lost someone or had something important happen on October 8th..."

Oh, here we go, the whole "we respected our elders and nobody locked their doors and politicians were HONEST, dammit!" speech.

"And I have the batch to prove it!"

o/...I'm actiiiiiing!...o/

"My sister banged Kirk, you know."

"Hand me my top hat, Rama!"

"Um, sir, do you need me to call a doctor, or..."

"Oh my God, it's the worst CGI I've ever seen!"

Just for comparison, this movie came out in the same year as Toy Story 2.

Yeah.

o/...Ah ah ah ah, stayin' alive, stayin' alive!...o/

Red light!

Green light!

Seriously, did he just not see that the statues were in a completely different place all of the sudden?

I think this is the CGI equivalent of Ralph Bakshi rotoscoping...

"Dude, what the fuck? Do you apes have NO peripheral vision whatsoever?"

I guess the stairs are just painted into the floor, then.

The Horror of Party Beach and I

o/-klahooma, where the wind comes sweeping down the plain!...o/

"Now is NOT the time for vocal warm-ups! I need help back here!"

They chose the finest animators DeVry Institute could provide!

And now he's doing tai chi? The HELL?

"You know what? You're on your own here, I'm out..."

SAFE!

.oO(Maybe if we give the statues a computer virus...)

Whoops, shouldn't have had the volume turned up so high.

I agree. What the FUCK was up with that scene?

.oO(That's it, first chance I get, I'm dropping a big smelly present into his favorite sandals.)

Really? Then why do you keep Dorky Buddha around?

"Moonshee, you're supposed to be sparring with the comic minion, now get back here!"

Okay, even allowing for the G rating, doesn't she have better things to do around the palace besides picking flowers?

"You know, your brain is considered a delicacy in this country, you disease-ridden pest..."

Is Louis going to fall in love with Prince Chumbawumba now?

"What, you're saying my threat to have anyone who defeats me executed is making them hold back?"

"Besides, you're wearing a shirt!"

"Come on, I want you to kick me and beat me and spank me like a naughty boy..."

*sigh* "I know, I know, to the chopping block."

"Oh all right, then I'll get my lucky hook to rip out your lucky entrails and hang them on the lucky gate posts!"

Hey, self-cleaning blood!

Is that really a good place to be leaving your plot device?

"Yeah, it was like, fifty big men, all at the same time. There was nothing I could do."

"Please, call me Chattanooga."

Good, now say it together, naturally.

"I can't, your lack of nipples disturbs me."

"Well, you lied to me, so I REALLY hate you now."

Yeah, I think you've mentioned that already.

"Look, there's nothing in the law that says we can't be fuckbuddies..."

o/...I have dreamed that your boobs are fiiiiiiirm...o/

"Prince singing to servant girl is forbidden too, you know."

"Nice try, but I can tell it's a vocal double."

"I just remembered, I have flowers to arrange. Buh-bye!"

"Come on, you can't possibly be saying no to THIS!"

"Okay, if I let you sex me, will you stop singing?"

Random over-dramatic gesticulating must run in his family.

.oO(I like vanilla.)

"Yeah, that's nice. SECURITY!!"

"Sorry, I just had to sing over here for some reason."

Singing Starlet Pose #5: Leaning Against A Rail

.oO(You know, I like vanilla too.)

o/...I have dreamed an incongruously Western wedding...o/

I heard a disgruntled animator drew a phallus in here somewhere...

I have dreamed about going to work naked and not being prepared for a test I'm supposed to take, but you don't here me waxing melodic about it.

So, is this that castle on a cloud Cosette was singing about?

Damn, the fairies from Thumbelina didn't throw this fruity of a wedding!

Huge clouds of smoke, and a giant poppy. You do the math.

Frankly, I think weddings are too ostentatious these days. It should be about the love, not the sparkle-throwing children flying on storks and the boats that metamorphose out of giant flowers!

Hey, she's a ventriloquist!

DUN DUN DUN!!!

--sharing hallucinatory romance with yoooooou...o/

I notice the whole "forbidden love" thing didn't keep them from singing a huge duet on top of a bridge in plain sight on the palace grounds...

Don't walk around a bush again; she could get lost for weeks...

"Um, thanks, but do you have something, you know, a little smaller, and less likely to get me strung up in a dungeon by my toenails?"

"It's only the most distinctive necklace in the entire kingdom; who's going to know?"

"Did you hear that? Sounded like an evil plot being hatched..."

"Also I saw the fat guy with the tooth fetish crashing through the bushes. He's kind of hard to miss."

"Two and a Half Men is canceled for the rest of the season."

"I knew I shoulda taken that left turn at Albuquerque..."

On the whole, not one of Danny deVito's more distinguished roles.

Oh sure, PETA protests the circus, but THIS is okay?

"Sorry, hemorrhoid--what were you saying?"

Subliminal Nikelodeon ad!

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Father Knows Best: Margaret Goes Dancing

2011-03-03T09:20:00.000-08:00

sZLBpoEBijo

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"On a quiet little street, in a town not unlike this one..."

As the Old Guy

As His Daughter

As the "Help"

The Sun Myung Moon Story

Drop it like it's hot.

Ball-less?

         .
        o
       O
(My god, how many of these things are going to fit in her ear?!)

"We haven't wife-swapped in YEARS..."

Someone skipped a line.

"...because you're wanted felons..."

Female character acting has come a long way.

Female character acting has come a long way.
Actually, no. Judging by the current crop of sitcoms. No. No it hasn't.

"...I just don't care."

"The drag club he liked, but that was his idea."

The classic nervous, When-is-this-going-to-get-funny? laugh.

"Or at least being chased by it."

Piglet. Tigger. Eeyore, even!

"...a letter of marque for the Jim Hutchens Gang."

"...the wacky music suggests something stupid is about to happen."

"This really isn't our class of people."

"It might go off!"

"...visiting Grandma."

It's a BANJO. That's reason enough.

A .30 calibur M1 rifle -- WHAT DO YOU THINK IT IS!?

Well, he was your homeroom teacher.

BURN!

"Psst! Zuul? I got your money."

A waffle cone and a pack of ham?

"You were a mistake with the milkman. What's the matter -- did I say something wrong!?"

MERKLE! MERKLE! MERKLE!

"...as long as they don't sleep in the same bed."

"I mean, he'll hit you and stuff..."

"It's a metaphor. Christ, how much thalidomide was I taking when I squirted you out?

"He's swinging his belt. Is that bad?"

"But I thought I was your sister."

"NOT THAT ONE!"

"...he does get violent when he's drunk."

Back then, feminism consisted of gently suggesting a salad dressing.

"Oh Mum! I've never ridden in an ambulance before."

YOU CALLED HIM BY THE WRONG NAME! RUN!

*hyperventilates*

"The Indochina thing will be handled shortly, Cuba and the Suez Canal are quiet, and that b-actor on 'General Electric Theater' has finally stopped making movies. What could possibly go wrong?"

"No hit, Jim!"
"I TOLD YOU TO CALL ME DADDY!"

"Those squirrels can be drowned in the morning."

"Maybe after his fourth bourbon."

And comedy is narrowly averted.

"My son's an imbecile."

"It means one drunken U.S.O. afterparty and she's got you for 18 f***ing years, kid."

"Mind, son. Not naughty bits."

"Is that different?"

"For them, yes."

"Like any hint of inner life or personality. Don't worry, I'll crush them."

(Blowjob)

Look, the return in and of itself is not comedy.

Look, we know it's Beefeater.

"Well, Bud said his music teacher was over all afternoon..."

Something tells me that "old one of his" is long past rescuing.

↑
WARMING UP HER WRIST

"Who told the imbecile he could speak?"

More than we can say for your acting.

"...b*tch."

ZIPPER
↓

"If we could publicly acknowledge homosexuality yet, I'd call him all sorts of things."

Mr. Ed has horse sense, after all.

Get what?

HANDJOB
↓

WHAT IS?

"You should see the tracks on Mertyl's duvet!"

"Shnookums, I told you never to call me here."

IMDB Goofs for
"Father Knows Best" (1954)
• Anachronisms: Ed drives a 2010 Nissan Leaf EV.

"Time for the belt."

"How do you arrange a wife-swap?"

"I mean, how bad can modern dance be?"

You'd better fiddle with more buttons than that, dear.

Phylicia Rashad would've bitchslapped him and dragged his ass to the car.

"All the kids are getting tattoos."

"Kids! Call Dr. Werther. Your mom's about to fall down the stairs."

"Right about you, anyway."

(White Male White Lie #1)

(White Male White Lie #1)
(White Male White Lie #2)

"To 'step up to the streets.' WHAT streets?"

(We don't even lie about that anymore.)

"Or the Achy Breaky?"

"Everyone who's having sex tonight."

OH! SNAP!

"Do it like they do on the Discovery Channel."

"Annoy the f*** out of me, like the children?"

The neighbors have seen "Boys Beware."

"Like bring me to orgasm."

Was that funny, or darkly Arthur Miller-ish?

Scientology?

"Get myself a hooker..."

(Ladyboys)

"Do you even still have a Stepford Card?"

You really shouldn't read the Wall Street Journal past the financial pages.

"...during the War."

"Tit jokes..."

Watch America's favorite nearly-divorced couple, Friday nights on CBS Television!

"From getting married?"

Old age penis?

Looks, it's just called a "club" to get around Salt Lake City's alcohol laws. Stop overselling it.

I thought you were tired.

"...with the devil."

"Bland and limp as our soulless decade!"

I am...

He's clearly the child deepest in denial.

Jane Wyatt in Father Knows Breast!

"Change in front of me again!"

"Piss off."

The Dance of Divorce

"YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER TALK ABOUT MY HEAD!"

"...And tell her she's a whore."

"...Oh no wait. I do. I was thinking of something else."

"10 minutes. Eight dollars and fourty two-"

I'd get to third base with 1954 Ann B. Davis.

"...with those ladyby, jubblie things..."

"Yeah, she'll probably do a better job for less pay, but still."

A KNOCK at the door. Henpecked Ed enters,
looking henpecked.
ED
(henpecked)
May I come in?

"I'm not speaking to the c*nt."

A decade so bland clubs didn't even have names.

"Much like those hard-working Koch brothers."

It's so awkward talking to someone you met in A.A.

.
o
O
( Look at that sweet ass go. )

"In a Margaret Thatcher kind of way."

"There might be new ideas to confuse me there."

"Now, I'm not saying I've invited several men over tonight..."

No, the timing conversation was about birth control.

"...A titty bar is no place for a teenage girl to be calling."

"What the f***, mom?"

W I F E
H A T E

"You been talking to the Feds?"

Prison. Prison...

"Started asking questions, ya know what I mean?"

Charlie from Vietnam?

Polygamy AND child marriage?!

"Anyway, Blue 4."
"Reverse Direction."
"Skip."

"I'm vaguely ethnic, so zhat will be vonderfully creepy!"

He's HUGE!

Never any professional love for the Robot.

"This is called the Korean War."

"Clancy the Clown."

COMMIE!

"I'm sorry. I was trying to make you die with my thoughts."

"If you think you're man enough."

♪ With your feet in the air and your head on the ground/
Try this trick and spin it... ♪

"No you idiot. We were arguing over Liza's mammaries."

(And subsequent cryogenic freezing.)

"Yeah, your wife usually wants seconds."

When did you retire from teaching?

Contacting joke

Contacting joke.

Contacting joke..

Contacting joke...

Contacting joke....

Contacting joke.....

Contacting joke......

Contacting joke........

Contacting joke.........

Contacting joke..........

Contacting joke..........
Establishing Connection

Contacting joke..........
Establishing Connection
Negotiating joke

Do the Warsaw Pact!

"DID I MENTION I'M VAGUELY ETHNIC, MIZZ LADY!?"

"That's what the milkman always says."

That would make one of us.

"That's what the milkman always says too."

"I never want to see any of you AGAIN..."

*squeeka squeeka squeeka*

They say he improvised that line.

It was night. I felt the urge to kill rising in me...

Drops it on the Craft Services table, and...

"Heh. Heh. Heh. (Quiet up there!)"

Whose hand is that!? ↑

"That's okay. We've gassed most of the wildlife."

.
o
O
(Don't look in my room, don't look in my room, don't look in my room...)

Clearly they've missed the point of the Ouija Board.

Old Blue? It's two words.

How can you not use foreign words in American English?

No manual stimulation! No foreplay!

I believe her.

"Don't sass me, ho bag."

*smack!*

"I'm in deep to this bookie."

"Nothing new there."

"I sent bombers over the Dew Line -- it's your turn."

C A S T R A T I O N

"I was in the basement laboratory, and..."

HE'S BEHIND THE DOOR!

Maybe he went to that Bluegrass concert next door.

Black people, but you'll do just fine stealing it.

"SHUT UP!"

Away to the window I flew like a ditz
Tore open the shutter, and threw up in fits

♫ You want this money then you've gotta be a bad b*tch... ♪

Let this be an object lesson in nostalgia.

"God you suck."

*closes the window, locks the door*

"That you stop hitting the children."

I don't believe this really is Spanish.

That's a klieg light with a gobo.

Booger check.

DDT.

"F*** ME NOW!"

"Oh sh*t. We have kids."

And it's ending, one day at a time...

Par for the course, if you like P.G. Wodehouse.

Oh god, they're going to be devouring milk and olives off each other.

"Then I settled for you."

*takes the olives, leaves*

CRACK!

Talk... about... foreshadowing.

How did he ever get around to directing Clooney in Three Kings?

Roswell Rogers sounds like a guy who should be in New Mexico selling alien bobbleheads out of a pop-top camper.

The credits are encountering turbulence...

♬ Hand jobs, come get your hand jobs... ♫

(More famous for "Partridge Family 2200 A.D.")

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The King and I, Part 4

2011-02-24T14:14:00.001-08:00

KpXIxsAXdOs

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"Sorry ma'am, we only understand pidgin English..."

What are they, the Synchronized Reaction Squad?

"I'm just going to take the entire royal family on an outing with no guards without his permission. He couldn't possibly object to that!"

That sounds like an awkward song cue to me...

Told you.

"Watch out where the Huskies go, and don't you eat that yellow snow."

"Um, ma'am, I can't...you're not supposed to...the King said...ah, the Hell with it."

"--Fan dancing!"

"Now this, children, is what's known as a slum..."

"It's the royal family! Everybody look busy!"

"They must be the King's kids, they haven't got shit all over them."

Oh really, isn't tainting the memory of one classic film enough?

"Cool, there's pirates in there! And they're cutting a guy's ear off!"

Hey, a Petch and Jaidee show!

Ah, the drugs just kicked in.

Because no matter where you go in Asia, it's always Chinese New Year!

"Missus Anna, what is a 'full body massage'?"
"Can we get one?"

"Good thing I wore my hand tape today."

"Ha ha ha, good one!...No seriously, I'm going to have you beheaded now."

Who invited Dorky Buddha on this trip, anyway? I don't recall seeing a permission slip...

"Here you go, fugu for everyone!"

o/...Murder, murder, in the night air! Murder, murder, it's a right scare!...o/

Princess Apsara is severely myopic...

They're like Tom and Jerry...except I want them both to die in a thermonuclear explosion.

"Small House of Uncle Thomas" will not be seen in this adaptation. In its place, we give you "The Big Lipped Alligator Moment Dream Ballet!"

I didn't know they had rhythm gymnastics back then.

Look out, those W's are sharp!

Attack of the Crepe Paper, a SyFy Original Movie!

"Everybody wave to the oppressed masses!"

Do they just not see him, or are they just doing the smart thing and ignoring his presence entirely?

Meanwhile the King's got the entire guard looking for them, he's put a death warrant out on Missus Anna...

"Don't worry, children, the middle of a field full of water is the safest place to be in a thunderstorm..."

"But it's my only toy..."
"Who cares, gimme!"

"So long! Hope that destitution thing works out for you!"

"Gee, thanks. By the way, I got the blame for your little excursion and am being executed tomorrow. Just FYI."

Just push them open! They're just muslin flats...

Where's a bowl of poisoned dates when you need one?

Well, no wonder they need Anna's help, they're still trying to figure out this fire thing...

Baghera's less successful cousin.

"You were supposed to clean my litterbox three days ago!"

"Now go away, I'm fiddling with the Chekhov's Gun here..."

Ewww, it's turning into a slashfic!

"I mean I want to lick your gorgeously sculpted pecs! Oh, that came out wrong..."

"--to a meido cafe!"

"And how did my amulet suddenly get here, anyway?"

Oh come on, if you're going to be that obviously evil at least do us the favor of growing a mustache to twirl...

Next she's going to make play-suits for them from the curtains in her room...

"Who-where-when?"

"See, hairy palms! Didn't I warn you?"

So what, there's no mustard inside the palace walls?

"The last thing the royal family needs to know about are its subjects!"

"And there are open sewers and malnutrition and forced prostitution too! It's really neat!"

So he promised her a tool shed. Big deal.

Like that makes him any worse than most democratically elected leaders.

"I'm the lower class woman you hired to live in your home and take care of your children...wait, I guess that does make me your servant. My bad."

"You will obey my pectorals!"

"This is awesome! Somebody grab some popcorn!"

"Which is why I'm going back home, to one of the oldest monarchies in existence!"

"--Because I've completely forgotten my line!"

"Do you mind, Evil Dude? I'm trying to fume right now..."

"Did I mention he's barbaric? Because he is. Barbaric, you know. There's just no other word for it. Barbaric, barbaric, barbaric."

Jesus, this woman quits more often than Brett Farve!

"And I'll wager there's at least eight inches of king down there..."

"Oh, I'm sure I could take it no matter how large it is, Your Majesty..."

"That's not what I heard, sunshine."

"I THOUGHT I made myself clear in the throne room!"

"Thank you sir, may I have another?"

Well, no wonder she's mad. He's making her stay in the palace lobby!

"Though I would be open to experimenting on those lines..."

"What am I saying? I'm a Victorian woman, I'm about as free and independent as a lap dog..."

No, no, it's a red hat with a purple dress; they'll never let you into the society with that outfit...

"You hear that, light wrap?"

Hey, that's no way to treat your clothes!

"Like the fact that you never wear a shirt..."

Well, if your clothes can fold themselves it's no wonder you just toss them anywhere...

So...she wants to flash the King? I don't get it!

Yeah, if there's one thing the British hate, it's royalty.

That's because the cat would give you that "bitch, please" look they do and go back to licking its genitalia.

Why, are you planning a production of The Wind in the Willows?

That's not easy to do in petticoats. Try it sometime!

Maybe she's trying to get a Section 8 out of her job...

Rodgers and Hammerstein's Secretary

You know, she could do this sort of thing on the Internet and make a bundle...

"Do you have a cigarette?"

"Are you aware the schoolteacher is indulging in bizarre humiliation fantasies in the front lobby?"

Do the men in this family have a genetic predisposition against shirts?

"Sorry, I meant, 'what-what-what?'"

"--prevent your son from dressing in feathered gowns and taking the name of Lady Coco Carriba?"

"Um, okay. But the other thirty-eight wives I can choose myself, right?"
"Of course! I'm a liberal man."

"Father, can we please speak Siamese when we're alone instead of this broken English?"

"I know you're not too old for a spanking, now git!"

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The King and I, Part 3

2011-02-18T21:24:00.000-08:00

lOMCReWUtLU

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You can tell they're meant to be; they look so awkward together...

.oO(Please Buddha let her stop singing...)

Hey, some things to throw at the producers!

Ewww, I need an adult!

Yeah, yeah, Dorky Buddha tries to hurt the kid but in backfires, he knocks more of his teeth out, blah blah blah, can't we just skip this part and say we did it?

*neck snaps*

Language!

Well, normally they wouldn't keep them loaded and unused for long periods of...oh, who cares, as long as you shoot the Ethnic Scrappy.

Um, you have a Scrabble tile stuck on your lip...

Oh, it's a copy of this movie.

What's the Siamese equivalent of the "wah-wah-waaaaah" trombone?

Suddenly I long for the quiet dignity of Adam Sandler.

"Get out of this movie now while you still can!"

Not the most well-known or beloved Sesame Street segment, to be sure...

"Well, there was that one time in Whitechapel..."

I KNEW he was evil!

The movie's just flailing at this point.

I don't suppose there's any chance all three of these characters will die in firey explosion, is there?

I C WHUT U DID THAR

Finally, they gave the slapstick act the gong!

"Good, now fetch my slippers."
"Don't fuckin' push it."

He's holding court in the Rockefeller Center lobby!

"Right next to my throw pillow!"

"It's not like I'm going to be won over by your unspeakably adorable brood..."

"Cue the soundtrack!"

*bites hand off*

.oO(Laughing? He's never done THAT before!)

"Observe my head pincushion!"

Do the Siamese just not turn around, ever?

.oO(The bastard just flipped me off!)

No. I'm not saying it. Too obvious.

Okay, time out--this movie has too many cute animal companions. You have to get rid of the monkey, the elephant, or Dorky Buddha.

A nervous cat and bare arms. Bad combination.

Let's see, King Mongkut had 82 children, so this scene will be over in, oh, another ten years or so...

I CAN HAZ BETTUR MOOVEE?

What? Chew-a-longhorn?

Dude, just walk! This number is long enough as it is.

"Ow, my knees!"

.oO(Oh, I can think of things I'd like to teach him...)

Mary Kay Letourneau and the King of Siam

"Big deal, he can't even wear a shirt properly..."

A young Oscar Wilde at a formative moment in his life.

"Lick my shoes!"

"Sorry, but Dad said if I appeared starved for attention and love it you would empathize with me..."

"Is this going to take much longer? I was going to hit the go-go bars tonight..."

Does anyone know what gender these kids are? Anyone?

"But Daddy...."
"You know the rules! I get first dibsies!"

Now is not the time for Heads-Up Seven-Up!

Ooh, excellent delivery, the sweepers should have no trouble getting her into a good position for the hammer...

"Too much cute...brain shutting down..."

"Well, you're all very sweet, but your dad's still a bald bastard. G'bye now!"

THE END

"You're lucky the inbreeding doesn't show..."

"You will all receive cookies, as promised."

"Sweet, fresh blood! Get the initiation paddle!"

"The king has so many, he won't mind if I eat a little one..."

"Ew, she got snot on my skirt!"

"Address it to my wife. Say I won't be coming home..."

"Of course I can't, I'm the goofy comic minion!"

He must have had that concealed in his back fat.

"Do you have Prince Albert in a can?"

Oh, don't you two start!

Okay, stop me if you've heard this one: why is an elephant like a writing desk?

Ah, so his secret ambition is to go into the piano industry!

"Little bastard can't even fly."

Whoa, sudden onset laryngitis!

What, were there no puppies for these guys to drown? Fresh out of kitten stew?

Nope, not convinced. Maybe you should have him drop kick a baby, that might make him look evil enough...

"And don't eat the envelope this time!"

"I'm going to tap dance!"

"RICKYYYYYYYY!!"

o/...Here's the only British song we knooow...o/

"So, did I tell you all about being a modern major-general yet?"

"I say, but we are very British, aren't we? Cherioo, pip-pip, and wot!"

"Don't ask me how it was delivered to a boat out on the ocean..."

No really, movie, I don't mind if you take your time with the plot. You just go right on ahead with your random comic bit.

These guys helped establish a globe-spanning empire?

"Dear Sir Edward, your hair looks ridiculous..."

"I want a rentboy and I want one now!"

"Well, it's a military ship under orders from Queen Victoria herself, but I'm sure she won't mind us starting a little bitty war without her go-ahead..."

Hey, and FTD Pick-Me-Up!

"So dish--is Prince Chunky-Monkey a good kisser?"

"It's not a ground-breaking denouncement of the evils of slavery penned by a woman, but it'll do..."

"I'm free to ignore local laws and customs any time I like!"

o/...Bangkok bridge is falling down...o/

"Ow, my appendix just ruptured!"

"We're going to visit the box factory!"

Ooooh, geography envy.

"Of course, we do control huge chunks of land on this and several other continents, so yeah, we pretty much pwn your asses."

"Sit down, Chewy Louie, before I smack you with a ruler. Unless, you know, you're into that sort of thing..."

Dude, the king was a Buddhist monk; wouldn't he know keeping his kids in the dark like this would backfire in the long run?

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The BFG (3/10)

2011-02-13T12:08:00.001-08:00

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"Well I've never actually tried bones so I just assumed."

"BLOODBOTTLER SMASH!"

"Great, now I've got to get new shelves."

"But I'll be having nightmares about that for the rest of my life."

"Makes no sense either way though."

umm...should we be seeing this?

You were all set to tell her a moment ago

"Well course I was blowing it, that's what trumpets are for."

"Then what have I just bathed in?"

yes but in an infinite universe there is no up for them to go down from

"Simple, it's against the law of gravity."

For a giant burping is like saying "I seem to be having tremendous difficulty with my lifestyle" to a Vl'hurg

"It's also a sign that you're secretly a Slitheen in disguise."

And now for your viewing pleasure...a musical number about farts!

Remember kids, never light your whizzpoppers

"After the first taste comes the addiction."

"I can't fart on command."

Wait...wasn't Sophie standing there a second ago?

"Do you have any idea what that thing is?"
"Not a clue."

Normally I don't approve of fart jokes...but this song is really catchy!

NASA are currently working on plans for a farting space rocket that uses Frobscottle for fuel

"Drat, he crashed into my dream collection!"

"I really want to give the song an encore."

"Hey listen, hey look."

Disneyworld?

So yes, Disneyworld.

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PART 2 PART 4

The BFG (2/10)

2011-02-12T12:28:00.000-08:00

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"They like to annoy the humans by eating all their beans."

Bonecruncher has never tried actually Turkish Delight, he just assumed that it's what Turks taste like.

Which really is far more obvious than coffee

(rimshot)

"I've never heard of the place!"

Is it...
A: Fish and chips
B: Shepeard's Pie
or C: Marmite

"I'm on a diet."

"What does that stand for?"

"It was the middle of the night when you nabbed me so really it should be breakfast."

also known as 'Dennis the Menace Fruit'

Oh good a funny animal sidekick, I always fought the book could've done with one

"And yes I have tasted those."

I reckon they started eating human's because they had to eat Snozzcumbers

"Can't I eat the weird animal thing instead?"

"But it's still better than what they were feeding us in that orphanage?"

The B.F.G. finds horrible food hilarious for some reason

"Except when I'm playing Derek Trotter."

"What was my line again?"

"At least I think there are, never saw one, but then it is dark down there."

"And I live with giants who eat children."

I guess the B.F.G. is unaware of the concept of 'not being believed'

"In a place where 82% of the population want to eat you."

"Now, who wants to act out the opening song from Thumbelina?"

You kidnapped her because you thought she'd blab about seeing a giant and NOW you're asking her if she can keep something secret?

"Do you have to do that every time you make an entrance?"
"Yes."

"Don't you remember why we started eating humans?"

"Well f***."

That's not how you do a proper facepalm

THE END

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PART 1 PART 3

The King and I, Part 2

2011-02-11T14:14:00.001-08:00

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The Official Asian Stereotype Parade, ladies and gentlemen!

Another victim of the subprime loan market.

"And be honest--do you think I'm coming off a bit creepy?"

"I have no intention of being pampered in royal luxury when I can go home to a nice dingy flat above a fish shop!"

So, will she tell the king this?

"I'm still waiting for the moving truck to come with my furniture, okay?"

Why are the guards wearing adult diapers?

"The fruit basket that guy's wearing on his head."

"Where do they think we are, America?"

Carmen Miranda's less successful brother, Larry.

"Go on, tell him about the ping pong ball trick..."

"Sweet! Have her read King Bidgood's in the Bathtub!"

He's not a Sunni Muslim, more of a Still-Life Muslim...

"Thanks, that's just what I wanted, my own young, nubile florist. Fuckin' Bowdlerized script..."

Can we have ONE scene without the monkey or Dorky Buddha doing something stupid, please?

Lunch at the palace cafeteria will be fruit cocktail and monkey's brains...

He's your pet, you discipline him! Come on kid, I want to see you spank your monkey!

Me too. That monkey line came out wrong.

Oh, you got that out of a fortune cookie!

"Why don't I have a cute animal companion? My kid gets a monkey, you get a panther...even oily Mohawk guy gets an iguana!"

"You will show me all about these things you English call Monty Python and the Beatles!"

It's a little known fact that Rodgers and Hammerstein started the steampunk craze.

"Oh wait, this is a waffle iron, never mind."

"I also have this great Zutara fanfic you should read..."

"Are there any other long royal things you can show me?"

"Now I will show you how engine of steam will help Marty get back to future..."

"You mean, you DON'T use your explosives to kill people? What kind of backwater is this?"

Oh, quit bragging. You filched all this stuff from Archimedes' storehouse and you know it.

Stop that monkey! He's going to break the third act plot device!

This can happen with trisomy-21, I understand.

"Good, now that the stupid comic relief characters are out of the way..."

Damn, even Siam is ahead of the Texas Board of Education.

"In about a hundred and fifteen years, that is."

"1712, wait, so that makes this, ummm, carry the one..."

"Look, my son is...well, let's just say I don't have high hopes for grandkids..."

PLEASE tell me I just imagined the king giving a low-five to his panther...

Who are you, Alex Trebek?

"I have the closing papers right here..."

"Lines of coke and rubbing off to tranny porn, why?"

"It's what we Westerners call a 'catch phrase'."

"Look, we're having some troubles with the inspection..."

"Please, be careful with my Precious Moments figurines!"

"Well, you sound British, so I'm sure I can trust you..."

"Just in time for your next tedious comic scene!"

"Look, just go do a slapstick scene with the kid and the monkey, okay?"

To every Asian everywhere, we apologize for this.

The CGI Gardens of Thailand!

Uh-oh, sounds like the characters are already starting to crack from the stress of being in this movie.

"You want flowers? I'll arrange you some stinkin' flowers...here's some foxglove, and some nightshade, and poison oak..."

o/...When will my reflection show who I am insiiiiiiiide?....o/

"I've been here for the past three hours. Actually, I thought you'd have noticed me before now..."

"And even though this is the 19th century and hunting big game is commonplace, I know it's wrong!"

"Gee, thanks. I'll call you Fredomina, how do you like that?"

Bruce Lee: The Animated Series!

Is this kickboxing or a Cirque du Soleil routine?

"Ha, psyche!" *elbow drops him*

"That's not a good place for your trunk..."

"So, I guess this means you can do that thing with your tongue...?"

"They won't allow me at the family picnic next year!"

"Thanks, that narrows it down to the entire damn country..."

"Great, now we can put on our own production of Gone With the Wind!"

"I think I'm Lady Thiang, but they pretty much did away with my character's entire part in the story so it's hard to tell..."

"And I'm a little obsessive-compulsive, so I get nervous when people rearrange my things..."

"They want to, how you say, munch your rug..."

Victorian upskirt!

"I was going to burn that..."

"I'm not sure, I spent the whole time thinking of England like they told us to..."

They live in an Asian Hobbit hole.

o/...Traditioooo--oh wait, wrong musical.

"Yeah right, let me hear you say that when your king abdicates to marry an American divorcee..."

This isn't really the right song for kung fu fighting; they need something more in the Johnathan Larson mold...

Wow, it didn't take tradition-lady long to be won over...

Two three, KICK!

"Yeah, I am pretty macho, aren't I?"

"No, your wedding tackle!"

"A mummy!...Oh wait, that's your hand."

"Are you going to be at this long? Dinner's almost ready..."

"Wait, where am I? I'M GONNA DIIIIIIIE!!!"

I see some stupid, stupid rulers in Siam's future as a result of these two.

"No really, we have to go down now, the curry just doesn't taste the same when it's cold..."

Can do.

Her husband is Bruce Ismay!

They have so much in common. A complete lack of nipples, for example.

*beep, beep, beep*

She looks like she should be ringing a Salvation Army bell.

The King and I now concludes its broadcast day.

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